I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

...it's not easy, living with a disability people can't see--and as we can see with that MP from Manchester trying to tell we that have them, that our learning disabilities don't exist, and, in the wake of the tragic death of Jett Travolta, the revelation that scientologists don't believe that mental illness is real, either ...it really is hard living with an "invisible" disability.

I imagine its much like a homosexual, being told by some fearful and ignorant homophobe that they're not really gay, I suppose. Sometimes human beings are just plain thick beyond words. Deliberately thick, I mean. Normally intelligent people, showing ignorance and/or verbal cruelty, for no other reason than these people are either too cowardly to face life's facts, or too lazy to take the time to fully grasp the truth...or possibly both.

So, yes, it's quite hard to live with a learning disability or mental illness--but living with three...it's a bit of a challenge, at times...but like most everything else, you get used to it over time.

I first learned that I had bi-polar disorder around 1990. I learned that I had dyscalculia around 2002. I only found out about the mild DCD (dyspraxia) a couple of years ago, because while my dad was alive, it was forbidden of my mum to tell me about it...well, that "clumsy child" diagnosis came when I began cursive writing in my second year class, around 1968, and it apparently--because if its association with mild retardation (even tho' it doesn't mean a child is actually retarded)--embarrassed the hell out of my easily embarrassed dad, and it became a taboo subject and so I was never told about until after the death of my dad, in 2004.

Pretty much I went through my whole life, thinking I was genuinely stupid, or at least mildly retarded...I was slower to develop, both physcially and emotionally, than my sister and my peers...never knew why, and having teachers and family treat me like an imbecile who couldn't tie her own shoelaces properly (well, actually...that bit's true)...it didn't do a whole heck of a lot for my personal self-esteem (as in, 'what self-esteem?').

I've learned coping strategies for all my invisible disabilites over the last few years, and they do help. Still, I have to say there are times when I wish I had some personal guidence, or at least someone around to give me a kick in the ol' bum from time to time, when I "slip up."

Yet, it's still so painful sometimes....and isolating, very isolating. It's hard to put it all into words. I tell myself that someday I will write a short story or play or something, about it...but, can't bring myself to do it. Too depressing I suppose...who the hell would want to read about something so hard to understand?

A rather horrid self-portrait taken a few minutes ago, with my nasty little 1 3/4 inch size digital camera:

Hope you lot aren't eating your dinner. Now you can see why I'm an old maid, ha-ha...but hey, at least my hair is neat.

Yup, this is one of the last weeks where I'll have a tiny bit of extra spending money...about $20...so I took the plunge and got my hair lobbed off..just my "usual" short layered shag...but gosh, it's so liberating not having my hair in my face or any which way but neat...now, no worries. Well, at least for a few months, anyway.

Then I went to the McDonald's across the way, and bought a $4 Big Mac extra value meal...I know, I know, but I can't help it: I had no desire to eat this morning, and therefore, I'd had nothing to eat all day but a little bag of cheeze doodles and a Pepsi...and, I've been eating McDonald's food since they came to my village in '69, and every once in a blue moon, I still get a wee bit of a Big Mac attack...they're rubbish, of course...but they do sort of taste good...the fries suck though, since they started using "healthy" fry oil in the late 80's. Forgive me, but am I the only one who finds the word "McDonald's" combined with the word "healthy," just a tad of an oxymoron?

I was going to go out to the laudromat, but found a clean pair of pants stuck in the back of my sock drawer, and I've got one clean pair of jeans left, so I'm good for work tomorrow, ha-ha.

We're at our daytime high of 12 F, right now, so things are looking up, aren't they?

It looks like a rather busy weekend for me...not a nice busy, just stuff that needs doing...and my job, of course, can't forget that. Haven't had a weekend off since last June, I think.

The sun is shinging, but not a peep from the birds this morning...they're smarter than us humans and are staying put, snug in their nests.

It's warmed up a bit out there...now it's only 18 below zero...minus 27 C.

Well, I've my combination pyajama bottoms/thermal underwear on, under my jeans, and a shirt under my ancient Field and Stream polar fleece top that I bought from the college shop in 2001--has the local 2 year college's initials embroidered on the front...like the name of the college is a local well-kept secret...which is sort of is, I suppose. "You have a college up here????" (tourist asks). Oh yeah, and some of us even have indoor plumbing and grocery stores and everything.

When I was living in a couple of rural towns in the touristy areas of the mountains here, you'd be amazed how many tourists were genuinely surprised to learn that the city-suburb was only 20 minutes away. I mean, it's just a short drive down the road, for bloomin' sakes! Still they see millions of trees and lakes and whatnot, they think they've just gone into the deep wilderness, and that the motorway they just got off the exit of--a few minutes down the road, was taking them to the blinking Alaskan tundra! I was on a horseback ride once, in the town where I lived...it's only a 20 minute drive from the city where I'm sitting right now--just a one hour horseback ride up to the top of a small mountain--really nothing more than a huge hill--and ths guy from New York City turns to our wrangler-guide and asks, "are we still in New York state?" Puh-lease!

I always wince when I see old stuff I'd written, so I wonder does Tennant wince when he sees his early stuff?

Someone e-mailed me a link to this...apparently Tennant's first TV acting job, from 1988? I don't know. I dont' follow his career or personal life all that closely, despite all the postings about him on here. People send me stuff, I read stuff, I pass it on.

Someone asked me yesterday if he was engaged...how the hell would I know that??? That's a barmy question, isn't it? I mean, if he is, that's nice, congrats to him and I hope he and his significant other have a long and happy marriage...but I'm not clairvoyant, so for all I know, he really could be gay and dating some plumber from Alabama.

It's nearly 20 below zero F outside right now...cripes! I shivered half the night, for once, I didn't turn the heat down, and I'm glad I didn't...the thermostat set at 75 F (WHAT global warming???), and my bedroom is a warm and toasty 53 F. Brrr! The radiators are giving off heat, but you'd never know it!

The cats are miserable, especially thin-coated flamey, who keeps alternating her nose and backsides to face the old cast-iron radiator here in the lounge. Poor wee girl. The loo is like the North Pole...and let me tell you people something, an ice-cold toilet seat is not exactly a joy in the morning.

While this isn't the coldest it's gotten in these parts, it's the coldest morning we've had in a good long while. Normally we have a short January thaw...sometimes it will go up to as much as the 60's F for a few days each January...not this year, apparently. We're to warm up Sunday...to the lower 20's F during the day. But at night it's still going to be in the sub-zero's and low single digits.

I had both my quilts on my bed last night, went to bed in my sweater (jumper) and long johns (thermal underwear)...still shivered half the night. Hopefully this won't last much longer

Thirty-five years ago, I would have been whinging, "I don't want to go to school today!"---we had to walk down the street and up the hill, and stand beside the motorway every morning, regardless of the weather, waiting for the school bus. Now, I have to walk down the street and go to work.."I don't want to go outside, I don't want to work today, I want to stay here and burrow under the covers for the rest of the day, wahhhh!"

It's just too cold to stay up any longer...my left foot (the one I just had the leg cramp in) is acting up--think I've just messed up the nerve slightly...nothing serious, but I've lost part of the feeling in a couple of my toes, and the foot is suddenly like a block of ice...I mean, it feels like I've just had it in the freezer for the last ten minutes.

It's supposed to drop to 20 to 30 below zero here, tonight. That's minus 28 to minus 34 celsius.

http://www.wten.com/global/story.asp?S=9436254

It's minus 26 celsius out there at 11pm eastern time--that's 16 below zero to us yanks. The living room even with the heat still up (I turn it down at bedtime), it's only 62 (16 C) in here. I may not turn the heat down quite as much, tonight. In fact, I think I'll leave it set at 74 F, which is extremely rare for me....my apartment isn't insulated and is freezing cold in winter--any time there's a strong breeze, I can feel it wafting through the room, even with the windows tightly shut. My closets--yikes. In winter I have to pull the clothes out the night before, because the closets are practically outdoor temperature...no joke. I have a themometer in one closet--it presently reads 26 F! That's right, my clothes closet as I write this, is a balmy minus 3 C. I've another decorative themometer, one of those little touristy souvenier one's, on the inside windowsill here in the lounge...it reads 29 F. No double glazing here!

thermostat is wonky, if you want the room temp to be 65 F, you have to set the themorstat to 75F...then sometimes, it re-sets itself, and you wake up with the room either being 55 or 80 F, depending on how cranky and unrealiable the stinking electronic themostat wants to be.

Still, I have in fact lived in winter without benefit of heat--or much heat..one little electric fire to heat my whole 72 foot long caravan...and no hot water, either. Not a lot of fun, that. So I really can't complain, honestly. There's folks in parts of europe tonight, without heat, and I truly hurt for them. Being cold all the time isn't much fun.

I was going to stay up a bit and write a bit more of my Dr Who story, but that foot is getting rather uncomfortable...think I'll take a hot shower, put some of my arthritis cream on it, and hit the bed. Long day tomorrow. Cheers.

How can I tell?

The Elvis/ Welsh lorry driver sideburns are back. (Tennant had them trimmed, I'd noticed, for his role in Love's Labour's Lost--it looked great, too.)

I was sitting up on my bed reading, when I apparently had dozed off slightly...was jarred wide awake by an excruciating pain from my bum to my toes in my left leg--the side affected years ago, by the slipped disc/sciatica. My first thought isn't reapeatable here, my second thought was that I'd somehown re-injured my back again...something I dread as much as re-injuring my bad foot.

Thankfully, it was just a really awful leg cramp, which went away after a few minutes. It'll be stiff and sore for a few days, but nothing I can't live with---the thought of being incapacitated in any way, scares the living hell out of me...being on my own, I have to do literally everything myself, so being forced to lie abed...not good. Last time I hurt my back, I had mum around to at least help me get meals and stuff...and her commode to have by my bed ('cos at its worse, I pretty much could barely move). Now...none of that. I'd be up poo creek without a paddle..or a canoe, if I hurt my back again.

I mostly don't think much about being on my own here, except times when I'm sick or hurt myself...then the reality that I could lie here for hours--even days, without anyone knowing...it does give one pause, at times.