I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

I just got an e-mail sent to me, with a link to a close up peek at a photo in, I think, the Radio Times, of David Morrissey--he's holding a...fob watch...and, this fob watch is very much like the you-know-what from series 3...hmmm--interesting...is it just a prop, or...is it a gimme hint at what's to come on Christmas Day...stay tuned....

...yeah SPOILER; RTD has said that 10 will be Tardis-less and, companionless for the first special...will he be without his sonic key as well...and, who will kiss him, and scream and run away from the monster? This calls for another "hmmmm--interesting."

Well, was taking out my garbage to the dumpster (skip)out in the back car park, slipped on the snow and fell, hitting my head against the side of our brick apartment house...it hurts, but I don't feel a lump--but when I got up, I almost fell down again, 'cos I was so dizzy--still a bit fuzzy. Going to do the nasty and hit the ER if a few minutes--just as I rung up work to report my absence, my phone began beeping that it needs re-charging. I can't ring up a cab till it's recharged.

I was going to go into work anyway--after I'd changed into some dry clothing...but coming up stairs I almost fell down again, so I think I'm going to err on the side of caution.

Means I'll have to work extra hours to make it up, on Wednesday and Thursday. Damn.

(Lesson: never wear trainers in the snow when your are an uncoordinated fat woman)--

A week ago, someone PM'd me, and suggested I try a website called "bipolar.org" and I wanted to thank that person for turning me on to that website. The people there are very supportive, friendly and above all--they "get" it.

I don't know the person who sent me the link to the website, but I wanted to thank him or her; yes, I do find it very helpful, and it is nice to be able to chill with people who have your illness and are comfortable chatting about it, without that awful stigma that so many people heap on anyone with a mental disorder.

Mental illness is as much--if not more of--a taboo subject on my side of the Atlantic, than homosexuality, pedophila, or abortions. And the thing that makes it worse, is that the person who is the subject of the stigman, is the victim, not the culprit.

Mental illness is mostly either from a chemical imbalance in the brain, a brain injury or other type of tramua, or is hereditary---tho' certainly environment can play a partial role in mental health, as well. I've read news stories where some arrogant git claims that a suicide victim was "in control" of their situation, and are to blame for their own deaths. This is not only a myth--it's a blatantly stupid notion.

A person with depression, bi-polar disorder, or other mental health issue, is NOT in control of their actions/emotions--no more than you are in control of the neurons in your own brains--but, the mentally ill can learn to recognize the signs and symptoms of a mood change, and learn to take proactive measures.

There is no cure for mental illness, tho' certainly a combination of medication, good therapy and the support of peers, family and/or friends, can allow someone with mental health issues to lead a perfectly normal life.

It is known that 1% of the population has bi-polar disorder--however, it is estimated that as much as 4% of the population of the world, also has it, but is undiagnosed or mis-diagnosed (ADD and a couple of other disorders bear very similar resemblance to bi-polar)

For a second night in a row, actor David Tennant will not be able to perform his Hamlet onstage at London's Novello theatre, due to a painful back injury.

Mr. Tennant is said to be "gutted" by his inablity to perform, and is upset that people who came to see him perform, will not be able to do so--tho' I should think any of the theatre-goer's with an ounce of human compassion in them, would certainly rather the actor got himself better, surely!

As I mentioned before, I'd nearly become permanently crippled by a back injury--because, against my doctor's advice, I went back to work cleaning stables 2 days after my injury, instead of the required 2 weeks (partly 'cos I loved my job, but also partly 'cos like this job I have now, I didn't get sick pay)--and almost paid the price for my stupidity, by being told a few months after, that if I didn't take 6 months off work, I'd be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life--that was a difficult decison, both career wise and financially...so, my initial decison to just keep on working came at a cost of being forced later down the road, to lie on my back for six months, and to commit to intensive therapy for several years.

As upset that Tennant is, I know from my own mistake, that he's making the correct decision, and hope that fans will be understanding, and realize that a back injury is excrucatingly painful and can be quite disabling. I deeply feel for Mr. Tennant, not just for his pain, and enforced lack of activity, but for missing out on doing something he so obviously adores doing.

Understudy Edward Bennett has taken over the role of Hamlet--to a standing ovation on preview night, so Tennant's absence, while sorely missed, is certainly not effecting the quality of the overall play--which is really what counts, in the end. I think even Mr. Tennant would agree with that.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7772880.stm

Geez--we had maybe, 2 inches of snow fall this morning--and the blinking snow plows were out!

For pity's sake, you could have swept the stuff up with a blinking broom! And, it's supposed to warm up to nearly 35 F today...and the sun's partly out, so it's melting naturally, anyway. Have you any idea how much these city, town and state snow plow guys make? 15 dollars or more an hours--some state workers get 20 dollars an hour! Blimey! That's enough pay to choke a horse! Especially when you factor in overtime pay!

Now, tomorrow promises to be not so fun--we're expecting a possible sleet/ice pellet storm. Then, the salt trucks come out as well...there's more cash out of the city's and state's till--because my road is not only the city's main street, it's also a major New York state B type road, US and state Route 9.

A LOCAL SNOWPLOW DOING ITS THING IN RURAL NEW YORK STATE:

Thank God! I'd posted the money order accidentally to Freeasthewind! Thank heavens it went to the states and not to one of my overseas friends! Thank you Cheryl for letting me know!

I am still a bit scared though, and my abrupt carelessness of these last couple of months--I find this sudden lack of control and my mental deterioration very frightening indeed. If I had someone here with me, I could manage, but I'm all on my own, and I intensely feel every stupid little--and big--mistake that I make.

Something many people can't grasp, is that I literally live on the edge all the time, teetering between having a home and being homeless, between being "normal" and being totally dysfuctional.

One mistake on my part, and my whole entire exisistance can completely unravel! This is NOT an exaggeration, people. This is the cold, iron-hard truth. So if I freak out over something, I'm not being melodramatic--I'm being genuinely scared to death, okay?

I posted that last post, that I had written last night but didn't publish. But, I really don't feel like blogging anymore.

I can't find that money order--believe it's been thrown out or outright lost forever. I can take up to six weeks to get a refund--and no, my landlady isn't being understanding about it. She's even dragging her feet about mailing me the receipt--why, I don't know. I can't file the claim form without the receipt.

I feel tired. I feel like I'm a million years old. I don't want to go to work tonight, but have no choice. I really just want to lie in bed all day and cry my eyes out--but I have no tears left. I'm just going to let happen whatever happens.

No one understands, and that's okay. I've had bad news after bad news after bad news...and I just...don't give a damn anymore.

If I didn't have the cats, I would just get rid of all my possesions, give up on myself and become homeless. I really don't care any more. I'm garbage. I can't take care of myself, so what's the point? I keep doing stupid thing after stupid thing...I'm just going to "hide" for a while. There's nothing anyone can do to make me feel better. I'm a failure--I'm not even any good at my no-brainer dead-end job. I just don't care anymore...why make the effort?

so, no blogging for at least a day--maybe two, maybe a week. Who cares? It's not like I'm anybody special, I'm nobody.

I said that I had doubts about Obama, I said that I didn't trust him, and that I thought he tended to swing a bit too far to the right for my tastes...I was shouted down by my fellow liberasls, claiming that Obama would be a great guy and that he'd be ten times better than any republican.

HA!

Obama vowed--swore up and down to the people who voted for him--that he would tax windfall profits of the oil companies.

What does the man say now that the election is over? No, he won't do that at all.

He outright promised the voters that he would definately repeal Bush's tax cuts for the rich, and roll them back to cover the middle class. What does mr. President-elect say now? That he'll merely let them expire in 2010. Now he's done a complete about-face, and he seems to be accepting the conservative's viewpoint that tax cuts for the middle class, and more taxes for the rich, is better for the economy.

One of Obama's biggest stances that seperated him from all other candidates, was his opposition to the war in Iraq. He outright promised to begin the withdrawl of troops on his first day of office. So--will he? Not quite, apparently.

Now, he has told the press that he wants to “design a plan for a responsible drawdown,” and, he's filled his war cabinet with pro-Iraq war supporters, and not with a single person who actually wants to see an end to the war.

He won over labour support by saying that he supported an effort to force companies to acknowlege that it's workers had a right to have a union--but having workers sign a card stating they want a union--if enough workers signed, the company would have to let them have their union. Now, workers in the labour movement are worried, because Obmama has suddenly gone mum about the whole idea---"card, what's a card?" seems to be his basic stance now.

And, all these people he made his "promises" and "pledges" to, they're getting seriously pissed off. One major supporter even went so far to ask if the liberals were ever going to get an actual democrat in the White House, their perception being that there is not a single liberal on Obama's cabinet, and that Obama is more and more looking like George W. Bush, and less like the Obama we all elected.

And, they are trying to send the man the message: 'don't bite the hand that feeds you,' but...Obama doesn't appear to be listening.

But, this is nothing new for Obama. Right after he won the Democratic primaries, and became the official nominee, he stated that he was pro warrentless wire tapping by the government (in the "war" are terror).

Basically, as I noticed early on quite frankly, Obama will say whatever it takes to get what he wants--and then reverse himself later when no one can do a thing about it. I bet he was laughing all the way to his acceptance speech, 14th November.

I've looked in my desk, I've looked in my dresser drawer, I've torn the living room apart, I've looked in my address book, my jeans, my jackets, even in the Christmas card pile. I SWEAR I put that money order in the card--I can't believe that I fucked up like this. I've never used this brand of money order before, the money order is really small...I don't think I'm going to find it. I think it's lost forever. Or, at the risk of sounding paranoid, maybe it was in there, and it was stolen from their office, or they are pulling some kind of stunt--of course, I don't really believe that. Tho' I'd like to, so I can feel less of a moron.

Thing is, even if they send back the receipt, and I do--eventually, get my refund...MAYBE, I would still owe the late fee of 20 percent--which, if my math isn't too wonky, was raised last year from 25 dollars, to 20 percent of the 625 dollar rent.

I can't tell anyone how much I hate myself right now, how low I feel. First the screw up with the electric payment last month, now this--what next? What am I going to screw up next?

I hate being alone, but I'm glad mum's dead so she cant' see what a total fuck up I've become.

I'm crying, so foregive any typos...my landlord just e-mailed me that I'd apparently posted the money order receipt instead of the rent--and I can't find the money odrer!

I'm so fucking useless these days, I can't even take care of myself anymore. I wish I was dead, cos what the hell good am i if i can't even pay bills or rent properly any longer

I've not written anything airy-fairy in a while, so reckoned it was time to take the plunge again, and bore someone to tears.

My old "mentor" Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote:

"Nature centers into balls,
And her proud ephemerals,
Fast to surface and outside,
Scan the profile of the sphere;
Knew they what that signified,
A new genesis were here."

When I go out into nature, I stand in the centre of the circle--the circle that is the universe. Every drop of rain, every leaf and blade of grass, every snowflake, every dust mote in the sunlight, every atom in our bodies, is part of the universe.

It's just there, waiting for us to discover it.

I stand in silence, quiet and still. And then, I turn each of my senses loose on the world around me. I hear the wind soughing and sighing and roaring in the trees and grass, or, in winter, I listen to it sifting the snow from the trees and fields like sugar sifting into the mixing bowl. I see sunlight--shadows and patterns dancing, tripping the light into a living taspestry. I see the sunrise or sunset on the barren trees of winter, turning a rolling hillside of gray and brown sentinals, into a rosy still life, an ever-changing artwork, unfolding before my eyes.

I smell pine and soil and leaf, the crispness of a winter morning, or the heady perfume of springtime blooms.

I pick up a leaf, and tear it. It is gone forever from life, but another shall soon grow in it's place--the miracle of life and death in miniature.

I stand and let my senses roam, and soon--my other sense, my feelings, becaome so full of serenity and peace, a joy so glorius, that you are just content to be there in the moment, standing within the circle of the universe.

I've read a news report out of the UK tonight, that David Tennant has had to temporarily withdraw from his role as Hamlet, on the advice of his physician, due to a back injury.

I do wish Mr. Tennant a speedy recovery, from what can be a horribly painful injury.

As someone who once nearly spent the rest of her life in a wheelchair, and was bedridden for around 6 months from a horrendouly painful injury to a nerve in my back--quite frankly because I didn't want to give up working at the stable, 'cos I adored my job, I know that this is one of the most difficult of injuries to recover from, but, David Tennant is an extremely fit young man, who doesn't actually do any heavy labour which would certainly worsen this type injury, so it is my sincere hope that it is only a pulled muscle or something, that and Mr. Tennant's recovery will be a swift one.

So, Mr. Tennant, I know you will never actually read this, but I do very much commiserate with you, I do know how it feels, and like me in my job all those years ago, I know the misery of the pain can be compounded by not being able to do that which you love to do most.

I don't know how Mr. Tennant injured his back, I got actually run over by one of these:

And then, injured by back again--pinched a nerve--four years later, by trying to show how very butch I still was, by lifting one of these by myself:

Congrats, master!

You have correctly answered 9 of 10 questions.

On average, 135 of users who took the quiz gave 6.23 right answers

http://www.allthetests.com/quiz26/quiz/1223131517/Do-you-know-your-Shakespeare-quotes

HAMLET quiz:

(to be fair, I took this one twice, 'cos I wasn't sure of one of the answers--the Yorick scene)

Excellent!

You have correctly answered 9 of 10 questions.

On average, 99 of users who took the quiz gave 6.61 right answers.

http://www.allthetests.com/quiz25/quizpu.php?testid=1218412260&katname=_Other-Books