I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

For the record, NONE of my posts was ever "acting." Everything personal that I write, is from my heart and soul, as honest as I can make it.

Am I overly melodramtic? I don't know. Maybe it's the bi-polar in me. I imagine that toyboat has never lost a loved one, a home, possession, has never hurt so much inside himself, to the point where death seems like a blessed release. Toyboat is shallow and is afriad of something--not sure what, but he's overcompensating by hurting innocent people he doesn't even know--nor, does he have the manliness to even give his real name when he does--like a masked terroist with a verbal bomb...afraid to let people see who he really is.

But, aren't we all afraid of that, in a way? Surely none of us show ourselves completely on our blogs. Toyboy is a small person, terrified of what he is, he feels helpless, and lashes out at me--someone he doesn't even know--because it makes him feel better about himself.

I hope I never get that bad. I still hate toyboat's guts--which makes one wonder, why some person goes around, WANTING people to hate them? Isn't there enough hate and bigotry out there? Guess not, with little wankers like toyboat out there, spreading it around some more.
But, now that I've calmed down--been one hell of a day...I was in A&E for five hours, just waiting for them to x-ray my ankle--just another sprain...going to limp and be in pain more than usual for the next week or so, but thank goodness, nothing broken this time, and the sprain doesn't even require a crutch.

Still, it's been a crap day. I just lost 4 HOURS pay, sitting around the ER. Then, I get in one hour of work--and call American golfers, the most falsely superior and churlish "men" on the planet...then come home to toyboat's bullshite comment about my writing and my blog.

If toyboat had offered CONSTRUCTIVE criticism of my blog/writing, I would have been appreciative of that and thanked him rather than tell him what a piece of human rubbish he is.

Instead, he deliberately choose to go the low--as in the sewers---DESTRUCTIVE route, and be a loser. Don't I have enough in-bred prigs to deal with where I live, without them coming onto my blog?

I've had total strangers go out of their way to hurt me for the last 40 years...from a pedophile to Toyboat--who may be a pedo, for all I know...I'm just a walking target--thankfully, I'm not like that loser Toyboat.

This pig is a blog terrorist. He is a coward and a walking ball sack who likes to go around hurting women. He is just plain scum.

Got this response from some donkey's backsides---wow, that's the way to make a bipolar person in depression feel better, ey?

Toyboat is a stinking yobbo. He hurts women because he's POWERLESS and a LOSER, and this is the ONLY way the poor pathetic WEE man can feel good about himself.

Penis shrinkage? Probably.

I HATE human beings, I have to put up with you assholes on the phones all fucking day long, ABUSING me, like the pieces of shite cowards you are--only because you can't see my face. now I have to get fucking ABUSE on my blog as well.

I HATE YOU TOYBOAT--I ASSUME YOU WANTED ME TO HATE YOU...WHY YOU WANT A TOTAL STRANGER TO HATE YOUR GUTS IS BEYOND ME, BUT IT WORKED. IF YOU WANTED ME TO THINK YOU ARE A TINY LITTLE SACK OF PUSS, AGREE WITH YOU, YOU ARE A VERY TINY LITTLE SACK OF PUSS.

I HOPE YOU HAVE THE WORST FUCKING NEW YEAR OF YOUR ENTIRE DULL TINY HELPLESS LITTLE LIFE.

Author: goturnumber (IP: 75.168.250.160, 75-168-250-160.mpls.qwest.net)Email: toyboat@yahoo.comUrl: Comment: It would seem your blog is an exercise in drama and acting. I think 2 plus 2 starts to equal 5 when you read it and some of the posts begin to lack credibility. There are just too many things wrong. If this is truly your life then I am sorry but it's tough to buy. You have writing talent but use it to manipulate others.

Well, I just tried to put my shoe on this morning...no go. I'd slipped on the ice with my lame foot last night--and, it didn't hurt any more than it usually does, but it did swell up last night, so I did the usual ice pack/elevation thing..thought it was fine...but just realized that it really is badly swollen---it's hard to tell you see, 'cos the foot is forever deformed from the injury last year, so unless it's seriously puffed up, or until I try to put a shoe on, I can't always tell.

It's strange, though. Other than being a bit more achey than usual...which could merely be arthritis, it doesn't hurt too bad...dunno', but I've rung up work and left a message that I'm going to the health centre to have it looked at, as a precation. That's one part of my body I don't mess around with--I was told if I got another bad sprain/tear there, I'd never walk on it again. I generally tended to dismiss any pain or swelling when I was younger, then I paid the price as I got past 30--I pay attention now, you can be sure.

What is your occupation?

Just a lowly telemarketer. I basically get paid for pissing people off.

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>When was the last time you cried?

Christmas eve...missing my mum.

>What are you afraid of?

Homelessness, spiders, fire, lightning, certain reality programmes...very scary stuff

>Do you like banana sandwiches?

Actually no, I'm not overly fond of bananas.

>What are you listening to right now?

Cars swoshing by on Glen Street, and I just put in my proclaimers CD--"Letter from America."
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>What was the last thing you ate?

Haven't had breakfast yet, so I suppose that would be the tuna salad and mayonnaise sandwich last night, which I had with a packet of Goodman's chicken noodle soup that I made on the cooker.

>Do you wish on stars?

No, don't think I ever have, but I suppose I might have when I was a child...I dunno'.
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>If you were a color, what would you be?

Blue, I am blue....I have to work a full shift today, and I'm bloomin' tired as hell.

>What is the weather right now?

Dreary, gray, foggy, with a spot of rain, by the looks of it...we had a blizzard last weekend that dumped 8 inches of new snow on us..now, rain. Wish the weather would make up its mind.

Last person you spoke to on the phone?

The cab company last night.

Last time you had a haircut?

Back in May. I finally sort of have the funds to go, but just haven't gotten 'round to it yet. Suppose I should, I reckon...I am starting to look like an un-curried Shetland pony again.

>How old are you today?

48 going on 110, ha-ha.

Do you have a celebrity crush?

Not since MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) lost his mullet and duct tape, and started jumping through Stargates.

>Do you wear contacts, or glasses?

Well, I've become extremely near-sighted, and am losing my sight in my right eye, sort of, so if I didn't wear my glasses I'd not be able to do much of anything, 'cos I wouldn't be able to flippin' see!

>Favorite month?

I've always been rather fond of October...although May is a really lovely month, as well.

Last DVD you watched?

Primeval, 1st series, which a friend sent me for Christmas, bless her.

>Favorite television programme of all time?

Dr Who, what else?

>What do you do to vent anger and/or frustration?

I blog about it.

>What was your favourite playtime actitivity as a child?

Playing cowboys and indians

What was your favourite outdoor activity as a child?

Well, there was this a small private lake owned partly by our village, just up the hill from us, off the 378 motorway, and we used to go fishing and take out rowboats, and also they had a private beach for village residents, which always smelled of pine trees in the sunshine, and had lots of black ants and snail shells in the sand, as I recall. So I used to go there quite a lot--sometimes with mum, sometimes with my sister and other kids from our street, and I have to say that I always had a great time there.

>Cherry or lemon sweets?

Cherry

Most magnificent artwork you've ever personally seen?

You know, I never paid much mind to Rembrant--I lean more towards Vermeer, but then I stood in front of his Nightwatch painting at the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, and was just standing there in front of it, absolutely struck dumb...swore those guys were going to come to life and just step right out of the painting--amazing!

Besides doing this meme, what else are you doing right now?

trying to type around Flame, who is sitting in my lap, in front of the keyboard.

Last time you ate at a food chain resturant, where did you go, and what did you order?

I ate at Arby's yesterday afternoon, had the $3 special meal deal--little BBQ roastbeef sandwich and some seasoned curly fries.

>What is on the floor of your closet?

Which one? I have two--here in the living room, some empty boxes and my shoes.
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>What is the oldest article of clothing you presently own?

I was wearing it yesterday, a grey and pastel sweater (jumper) that has a floral motif. Getting a hole in one shoulder, but still looks nice on me...had it for over 20 years..so don't dis K-mart, some of their clothes have outlasted the posher brands! (walmart is rubbish though, their clothes don't last 6 months, sometimes)

>Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger?

cheeseburger...with fried onions and ketchup

>Favorite car?

vintage chevy pick up truck

>Favorite dog breed?

long-coated collies! (like Lassie)

>Number of keys on your key ring?

Just the two apartment keys

>How many years at your current job?

2+

>How many states have you lived in?

2

>How many cities have you lived in?

this is the first time I've ever lived in a city--always lived in a small town, the country or the suburbs.

>How are you dressed?

jeans, socks, navy blue sweatshirt with a hunter/jumper horse on it.

>How many countries have you traveled to?

3

>When is your Birthday?

End of October

What did you do last night?

That's rather personal, isn't it? Well, not for me I suppose. Alright, so I worked, went to the mall, paid a bill, came home, had dinner, watched a DVD, tried to blog but couldn't--until late when I wrote a rather more depressing entry than I'd planned on, then tried to access my hotmail account but couldn't, wrote a new paragraph for Chap. 4 of my Dr Who-fic story, posted an entry to Roasting David (Tennant), fed the cats, took a shower, roundly cursed the boys upstairs for playing what suspiciously sounded like a basketball game in their aprtment at half-past midnight, read a bit, went to sleep.

Oh, it was splendid. The acting was simply incredible, the story exceptional. Really worth waiting for, bless. Me happy.

At first, when I lost all, over and over, barely done with one grief or trouble, when another would happen upon me...I was in denial.

For days after mum died, everything seemed unreal...until the day in November, when I stood in the mud and dying grass of the cemetery, and saw the casket lowered into the grave. Then, for weeks after leaving school, I was in denial that I wouldn't find a job right away. I felt sure that a good job was just around the corner...that I'd be able to fix the furnace, pay for the funeral expenses (and a marker for mum), pay the mortgage on our caravan, have a career with a future, doing something I enjoyed--or at least was half-way decent at, and had a self-sustaining pay and benefits....yeah...not quite. Yeah, I went from applying for jobs as librarians and copy editors, radio assistants and assistant historians, to office clerk and sales clerk jobs...to finally, cleaning loos at roadside rest areas, making beds in hotels and flipping burgers at McDonalds. Took me nearly a whole month and hundreds of CV's and job applications, to stop the denial and get over being scared and face reality.

Yeah, everytime something bad happened, I would spend time in naked hope, denying the pain and grief and fear. Then, I'd stare my fear in the face and work like hell to survive yet another crisis.

And so it's gone, ever since...until last winter. Everyone has their limits, and, hell, I'd surpassed mine long ago, truth-to-tell...I was just too thick to realize it...in denial again, I suppose. But, I lost my denial forever..and my hope..got so I hated the "H" word, despaired of the words, "Maybe things will get better." I looked at my less-than-attractive self in the mirror...and knew I couldn't deny anything, any longer. I had become, everything I'd tried all my life to avoid becoming...and what's left to say, when you discover that rather nasty little truth?

Anyway, I upped and decided that I was going to keep my fighting for survival...by keeping my denials, my hopes--in fact, all thoughts of my future, to a minimum. For, I realized that it wouldn't take but one more disaster...or even near-disaster, to push me right over the edge. But, if I kept my head down, if I simply accepted the bad, kept my struggles to survive to a minimum, then I figured I might have a chance of at least exisitng on a reasonably safe place inside of me, that this lowering of my sights and accepting whatever realities crossed my path, I could managed to get by.

But, it's 2009. Thirty years ago, I was in my 4th year of high school, ready to take on my dreams and the world at large...little knowing that my dreams would wobble and that the world would open up for me, one day...beginning with a solo trip to the very literal wilderness of Wyoming, just a little over one year later...for a young person who'd never been more than a few hundred miles from home in her lifetime...like my first trip out of the US, to Europe, 21 years after that, it would indeed change me.

I cannot help but be curious, as to what 2009 will hold in store for me. 1979 was a wonderful year, for the most part. 1989, was also not too bad...tho' I never was terribly fond of the 1980's...for me, it was mostly an incredibly dull decade, beginning with some massive life changes, and ending on a bland note.

Our hearts and our minds are our guides in life. We can bow to outside influences, surely. But...I was always an obstinate sort, and always preferred to make my own paths to follow...didn't make me very popular with my peers, and sometimes...well, oftimes, the object of ridicule...still, somehow I always seemed to be following a different tune, then the rest of the people around me. I mean, I liked listening to the Bee Gee's, Boston and Aerosmith...but I loved listening to John Denver, Bread and Jean Redpath. I enjoyed shopping at the local shopping centre with mum, or horseback riding with a friend, but I adored being out exploring the woods with my dogs, or reading Emerson and Cowper. My peers..and some of the neighbours I suspect, thought I was odd. And, I suppose I was, really.

But, getting back to the subject at hand...I wonder, will I continue to go on as I am, forever in this vein, till the day I die? Is this all there is, and all there ever will be? Have I lost all love of life, and now just am waiting to die? Or, will life find me again, and lift me up enough to get me motivated to carry on again?

I dunno'. The person I was is mostly gone. I'm a shell of myself...yet a part of me still remains..maybe it just needs a really good catalyst, to get me looking--and moving--forward again...bascially, a combination of a good kick in the bottom, a warm hug and someone wanting/needing me for something.

Will that actually happen? I'd personally not place any bets at the local OTB palor on it, but...who knows?