I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

Gack! It's bloody cold in here! I've two pairs of thick socks on, and my feet still feel like ice cubes! It actually got up to 22 F today, but the inside of my apartment feels like an iceberg. I've actually cranked the themostat up (sorry global warming) to 85 F, and I can't get the heat in here past 62 F. Poor Flame with her naturally thin coat, has been huddled next to various radiators all day. It wasn't this bad last year, so I'm wondering if the building's furnace is functioning properly. I'll have to ask the neighbour acrossthe hall.

Hammering again. Someone was complaining about that, the landlord told me. Someone in the building keeps tapping away, and apparently is driving some other tenant nuts. It's muffled where I'm at, so I hear it but it's not loud enough to drive me bonkers, like the teens do when they get bombed and start running around their apartment at 2am like a bunch of hyper little monkeys. It's not me---I've not seen hide nor hair of my hammer in a couple of months. I've mislaid it somewhere--likely in the bottom of a cuboard or closet. I'm sort of what you'd call DIY challenged.

Took me an extra hour to do my chores today--taxi's being almost impossible to get for some reason...45 min.s waiting for one to go, and 20 min.'s waiting for one to take me home again. Darn, I do miss having a car, times like that--lost a whole hour out of my day, waiting for a cab--for a trip that would take just 10 min. by car!

Anyway, have to leave for work in about 20 min, to go work the night shift. I can just imagine how much fun that's going to be, trying to sell or collect money the day before Christmas eve...Christmas eve will probably suck more...and the day after Christmas...bleh. I have to work two shifts the day after Christmas, and all day Saturday, as well....sucks to be me. Anytime we have a national holiday off, we have to work our normal days off to make up the missed time. How rubbish is that?

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Odds and ends meme: RULES--- google you name, with whatever word is on the list after it, and then post the results.

1. blue

Nancy's blue plate gourmet, please join us for lunch.

2. green

Nancy Green presents iformation about herself and her photography

3. purple

Nancy Puple Butterfly Dress

4. magenta

Nancy receives a firm handshake from a magenta haired boy

4. yellow

Nancy's yellow bathroom retro renovation

5. orange

Nancy, Nancy orange squash, growing beautiful squash

1. taffy

Nancy, Buster and staff, Taffy Menswear.

2. lederhosen

Anything by nancy leiderhosen and the planet manga drowd of fuckwits

3. underwear

Myspace video Aeropostale underwear scandal by Nancy

4. rodent

Discuss "naughty Nancy" on the rodent supples product review

5. screwdriver

Chip, with the bloody screwdriver still in his hand, looked pitifully at his client. “I did it for you, Nancy. I was supposed to protect you, wasn’t I?”

1. cinema

Negative Nancy by cinema psychic

2. farm

Nancy's dream of owning a farm in the country came true. (cool!)

3. mall

Search for Nancy malls on sale

4. cathedral

Nancy Cathedral, exterior view

5. museum

The School of Nancy Museum

1. bus

Nancy's bus and tram system could be useful for moving around Greater Nancy

2. tractor

Old Nancy moved to the Agricultural Engineering Building

3. camel

The milk Nancy is processing...

4. roller coaster
Read more on Migraines and Roller Coasters Nancy Bonk

5. kayak

Nancy is ideally located in the heart of Nancy, opposite the railway station. ...

1. fairy

Popular tales from the Norse: Nancy fairy

2. traffic warden

To the traffic warden's chagrin, there is still time remaining on the parking meter. click for full size. "Don't swear." Nancy admonishes...

3. prostitute

"Don't prostitute yourself," said Nancy.

4. ballerina

Find Fancy Nancy Ballerina dance doll outfit.

5. cowboy

Nancy cowboy hat hair

(yup, that cowboy hat hair of mine, used to drive mum bonkers)

I've been waiting nearly 25 minutes for the cab, and no sign of it yet. Took the rubbish out to the skip out back, came back upstairs, and my chest pains have started again...not my heart, exactly...just feels like it...a tightening of the chest. All the x-rays and heart monitor and all that palaver they've tested me with, all say my heart's fine, so no worries...makes it uncomfortable to do anything though, sometimes. I'm told it's related to my anemia or some such nonsense.

Dang! WHERE is that cab, I want to do my chores and come back home and take it easy before work tonight. Stinking Glens Falls is sooo-hard to do anything in...lousy sidewalks, lousy cab service and the worst bus service in all of New York state..and many other parts of the world.

It's 11 F, out there--which translates to minus 11 C. Brrr! Well, it got down to minus 7 F, last night, so I suppose 11 isn't so bad. I't not even going to make 20 F, this afternoon.

We're to get a short snow or ice storm, Christmas eve morning or afternoon...possibly an ice storm again for the folks below us, but mostly yet more snow they say, for my area...certainly, if it warms up to above freezing--32 F, we'll be seeing ice pellets and freezing rain, but if it's not going to get above 20 where I'm at today, I don't forsee it warming up that much, overnight, but you never know. Christmas day is supposed to be OK though.

We've got around 15 inches of snow on the ground here, and by Christmas morning, if we get all or mostly snow tomorrow, it'll add only another one to three inches to what we already have, so at least it won't exactly be a semi-blizzard, like we had Sunday.

My cab should be here shortly, so I'd better hop it. Have a good day, all!

To me, to be human, to be "me," is to sort of to be a non-conformist. I don't want to take life at face-value. I want to get out there and ask questions. I want to see and hear, feel and do. I want to touch the universe--because the universe isn't merely some mythical dust, gases and stars in far outer space...it's also all around us. The universe is in a blade of grass, a leaf falling, it's the song of a mourning dove at sunrise, and the waves hitting the shore at sunset. It is us, it is our breath and life and hope, it is our disasters and our grief.

Yet, all that said, it can be, as I've written before, very hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, for me to open my internal Pandora's box,--whether that be in conversation, in writing, or in some piece my theater professor asked me to perform--to open a vein, and allow the world to see the raw emotions inside...to see the unfettered "truth" of me.

When I am out in nature, whether it be near wood, water or field, I cannot look away.

When I am outdoors, the chains that confine my naked, unconversant inner-self, fall away. No one is around, it is just me, standing on the stage of unfettered nature, standing in spotlight that is the centre of the universe. I have no need to hide myself. The risk of a petty or mean reaction from one of my own kind is whisked away, and I can bask in the glow of pure freedom. Nature is the sanctuary of my mind, of my heart and spirit and soul. It is my lift to the universe.

For just a bit over 125 dollars US, you can serve roast "turducken", for dinner. Mind you, you may hesitate to serve your family something with the word "turd" in the title!

What is "turducken?" you might well ask?

A 'Turducken' is an old southern recipe for a boneless chicken stuffed into a boneless duck stuffed into a boneless turkey.

Here's what the Hickory Farms (an American business that specializes in smoked meats and cheeses, candy, condiments and most especially, in gift hampers) website has to say:

Turducken

The name Tur-duc-ken may seem strange at first, but this turkey, duck and chicken dish is a flavor sensation! You'll find a deboned turkey except for the wings surrounding a partially deboned duck, surrounding a deboned chicken. In between each layer is a hearty Cajun spiced cornbread and pork rice stuffing! Big enough for a feast, it's a fantastic - and remembered - gift. 15 lbs. Serves 25-30.

GIFT# 64249 PRICE $120.00 SALE $84.00

"sides"--which are optional and cost 10 dollars extra--are your choice of either broccolli, cheese and rice casserole, or cinnamon apples.

I don't really want to blog this, I was just going to do this as a private post--but, perhaps I'm not alone out there, and maybe others might want to know they aren't alone in their feelings.

This is hard to talk about, because no one want to hear this stuff, this time of year. I'm not obtuse, I know that.

But, here goes: I'm really sad today. I am sometimes crying--I just so miss my mum, and I just so find another Christmas alone, quite difficult...and, also, the knowledge that this is alway going to be this way, forever. Basically, Christmas doesn't really exisit for me, any longer. Despite the support and care of my far-away friends, I am still feeling so empty and barren, sitting here, looking at the tree all lit up and knowing that people are out there, shopping and singing carols, making plans with family and friends...and knowing that for me, it really is just another day--well, just another day with a christmas tree thrown in.

I'll hopefully be chatting on Skype with a friend or two, Christmas day for a wee while, which is something I've never done before. But, I have to say, I'm dreading Christmas eve. It used to be so special and magical, and now...it just is...nothing.

I've tried to compensate by helping others. I also treated myself to several presents this year, which is the first year I've been able to do that. In the last several years I've been lucky to get myself one thing, so I am happy about that. I was even able to buy the cats a little packet of toys and a tin of tuna.

Still, as the holiday draws nearer, I find myself getting sadder, lonelier and more discontented--which compounds things, by making me feel worse, 'cos I shouldn't have anything to be discontented about, if I'm better off this year!

Tonight, I'm a bit confused. I'm feeling greif for my parents, empty for being alone, and scared...scared for no reason at all, that I can think of, which really feels strange. I'm just being daft, I suppose.

Anyway, I've been surfing the net for some "self-help," but haven't really found much, except this:

SIGNS OF DEPRESSION:

Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
Restlessness, irritability
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

COPING WITH HOLIDAY DEPRESSION: (

Note that most of these tips don't even apply to me! I have no 'busy' holiday stuff to do, i'm already alone, memories of past Christmses are all I have left to me, I've basically got no family in my life, and I don't drink!) But hey, if it works for you--go for it!

One of the best antidotes for the holiday blues is doing something for someone else.

Delegate. Don't try to do it all by yourself. People often want to help and to be involved. By breaking down tasks and doling them out to friends and family, everything becomes more manageable.

Spend Some Time Alone. Some people love the energy and exuberance of big holiday parties and activities. For others, all of it is very taxing. If you find yourself getting a little anxious, take a breather. Find a quiet spot to relax and recharge your batteries. Other people will be so caught up in what is going on that they probably won't even miss you.

Let Go of the Past. Don't be disappointed if your holidays aren't like they used to be. Life brings changes. Embrace the future, and don't dwell on the fact that the "good old days" are gone.

Don't Drink Too Much. It is easy to overindulge around the holidays, but excessive drinking will only make you feel more depressed.

Give Yourself a Break. Don't think in absolute terms. You aren't the best cook in the world, or the worst. You aren't super mom, or the most horrible mother in the world.

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I just had to interrupt my blogging to go open my front window, and threaten some drunk guy down below with sic'ing the police on him. He was trying to bang in the door downstairs with his foot, and thowing snowballs at my front windows--looking for someone named "T-bone," and ordering me to let me into the building! We keep the downstairs door locked for a reason. I HATE this f'ing building! First the drug dealing woman beater, then the pot-smoking drug addict, then mentally disabled throws her trainer onto the roof in a blizzard girl, now THIS. Jeez--what the hell is God punishing me for, to land me into this hell hole I'm in?