I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

I came across this on another website which I used last year. While it doesn't necessarily reflect how I feel today, it does still strike home with me, in some ways yet.

This was written in Spring of 2007, shortly after I badly sprained (grade 3) and fractured my foot, permanently injuring it...and preventing me from working for a few days, which meant, as most of you know, no income coming in...and also making doing basic things like laundry and shopping and merely going to work when I was better, a living hell.

I feel so alone right now--well, I literally am, aren't I?

The late afternoon sun is shining through my front windows...on a day like today, I normally--in my past---would have been out and about, walking around, or going to a country or horse auction, or hiking, or visiting a museum, or...just something.

Now, I'm imprisoned by my own life. I'm in the one place I never ever wanted to be in--and there' no way out. I tried and tried and tried to get out of this vicious circle of poverty, away from the terrible cycle of manic-depression --but there is no escaping. I know that now. I've tried so hard, to make a future for myself, to make things better, to try and live a fairly normal existence...but there's no way. No way, no way, no way.

God! I'm so lonely! I was always sort of a loner--not that I shunned company, it just sort of worked out that way---but I've never known loneliness like this before. Not ever.

It's a lovely sunny day in early spring--and I'm stuck in my chair in front of my computer, my foot all bandaged and bruised black and blue, top to bottom--and even the simplest task is sheer agony--and I've no one to help me, no one to hug me and tell me everything will be okay---not that it will.

I realize, too often lately, that no one will ever hug me, physically, ever again, and tell me that. No one will ever hold me and let me cry on their shoulder.

All I can do, today--and many days--at least as long as I'm able to keep from being homeless--is sit in my front room, look at the sky and the trees and the old Victorian rooftops, and listen to the sounds of cars and trucks, buses and people, going about their business below--and do nothing. Just sit here and vegetate into the non-entity that I am fast becoming.

And there's nothing I can do to prevent it. I've a photo that my ex-boss sent me, of me working in the motel laundry room, this summer...big grin on my face--which is ironic, as when that photo was taken, I was literally contemplating suicide. Had been for many weeks.

I've gotten quite good at hiding my depression from others--no one, I find, wants to be around a depressed person, very much...and I don't blame them at all, naturally. It's when you can see my depression--when I show it--that it's at its worst. At its worst, there's no hiding it, I'm afraid--well, I can fake it for short periods, but there's times when it slips though--at which point I become somewhat tetchy and/or look very sad, I'm sure--but I try really hard, never to let it show. People don't like that, so I try not to let them see.

So here I sit, behind my windows, in front of my computer...and...nothing. I feel lost--cast adrift---a single leaf in an empty, storm-tossed ocean.

Today, the BBC has announced that a new combination cooking and reality programme will be hitting the airwaves soon.

The new programme is called, "Bin Divers."

It will feature celebrity chefs wearing protective gear, diving into householder's bins, to see what they've been eating.

When the celebrity guest-chef finds a bin full of takeaway and ready meal boxes, the BBC film crew will be right there, when he or she confronts the householder. Participating householders will then be chained to their cookers, and forced to cook--under the celebrity chef's direction--proper gourmet meals, using only the finest and freshest ingredients, sloshed down with 50 pound bottles of expensive but rubbish wines.

The first episode will feature chef Jamie Oliver, who will instruct a family of chav's--Mr. and Mrs. Bigbottoms, on how to prepare a dinner of curried eels with pasta, served with leaves and twigs picked fresh from the back garden, which have been marinated in a spicy plum vinegarette dressing.

Nothing against Billie Piper mind you, she's a fine actress...but...not as the Doctor, please. That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Dawn French, maybe...bit Piper? Nah. Too syrupy-teenager for my tastes.

Good heavens, the day they put a teenager in the Tardis, is the day I burn my "I'm hopelessly Whovian" tee shirt.

(I KNOW she's not a teen, but her character sort of still is...though I admit, the character grew up a lot in a couple of years...still a teen though, in my late middle-age eyes)

"Oooh, Billie Piper as the Doctor...who's she gonna' snog, herself? Think I'd pay to see that."

I really do seem to be on some sort of meme hit list, don't I? Why do I do these stupid things? Obssesvie/compulsive? Boredom? No life?

All of the above?

Well, here goes, folks: (if anyone actually reads these things, don't know what they tell you about me...but I imagine it's a shirnk's field day)

This one brings back college memories. It's a multiple choice. I used to love multiple choice quizzes, didn't you? Especially when I didn't have a clue, yet guessed correctly...which is ten times better when you firmly believe you know the answer, and you're completely wrong!

Anyway, onward and upward, with this meme:

Choose one:

things you wish for (just for you)
a) Financial security
b) The respect of my collegues/friends
c) a little more free time, and lots of cool things to do with that time.

Well, the transcendentalist in me wants to say "c," but the poor chav in me is going with "a" yes, I have gotten a bit more shallow and less idealistic, in my old age.

things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts to do it!)
a) go back to school and get a degree, or take a course to learn a new hobby,
b) dance in public
c) move out of the city and live a life of limited means.

Okay, already done both with A. And, did c in reverse--I moved to the city from the country to live my life of "limited means"--tho totally not by choice, ha-ha. So, I guess that leaves me with b..only, I seriously cannot dance...it's the DCD...although, I used to boogie a bit, back when disco was still in.

bad habits you have
a) nail biting
b) procrastinating
c) snacking on junk food between meals

B.

insecurities you feel
a) body image / weight
b) money management
c) physically prowness

B

talents/skills you wish you had
a) entrepreneurial skills
b) Acting, artistic and/or musical talent
c) DIY or mechanical knowlege

B.

things that you would do if you had more time
a) spend more time with family and/or friends
b) travel to interesting and/or exotic places
c) Spend more time on your hobby or sporting interest(s

Oooh, I'd say all three, but if I can only pick one (what? no "all of the above" option?), I'd say...b. I've never met my friends (tho' I'd LOVE to, mind you), and sis and I don't get along face-to-face (I piss her off, 'cos I'm a staunch liberal, and she's a die hard conservative---the ol' Hilary/Sarah "Pit-bull" Palin bit---think of them trying to spend the day together...shudder) So, yeah, b...homebody that I am, I do enjoy a bit of travel, now and again...just for a short while, to get some new perspective, know what I mean?

things that bring you peace/relaxation
a) a long soak in a hot bath with candles and music playing
b) meditation and/or prayer
c) spending time outdoors, in quiet surroundings

C

things that spark your creativity
a) a piece of music you listen to
b) beauty of your surroundings
c) another person's creative work

I've had all three, and I've had none of the above...it all depends really, on what I'm doing at the time. Mostly over the years, it's been b though, I suppose...nature has played a big part in my writing, over the decades.

Time of day when you're typically at your most creative

a) Morning
b) afternoon
c) evening

Well, I suppose a--but, more in the wee hours of the morning, between midnight and 3am, that's when I get my muse most often, if that's what you would call it--I haven't a clue why, truth to tell, 'cos I've NEVER been an up all night kind of person, but...there ya' go.

I was sitting here, minding my own business, when suddenly my chest/thoat started filling with chest congestion, and then, my sinuses/nose got blocked too, and then I began choking!

I mean, choking so bad I literally wet myself soaking. (not something I'd normally admit to, mind.)

I was unable to breathe for about 30 seconds to a full minute, and I was scared. Then, I tried blowing my nose again, and it helped a bit, and then I got sick in the loo, so now I'm okay...but, with my mobile down (still re-charging, as it died earlier), I would have been a cooked goose. Sometimes being alone, and living alone has its drawbacks, yeah?

And you know the other worse part, all I could think was, that the apartment was untidy (at the moment, it looks a bit like a tip) and how embarrassing that would be, having strangers come in and see it. Oh, how conditioned we humans are to image, ey?

I'm pretty much okay now, just a headache and sore a bit...still somewhat congested, but I can breathe now, which is a good thing, ha-ha. Guess another trip to the health centre is in order.

NOTE:

This blog is acting so funky today...IE keeps telling me I have connectivity issues with this website, suggesting it's an FTP issue---whatever the hell FTP stands for...can't these bloomin' computer people figure out that not everyone is into their lingo. I have never heard of a flippin' FTP before....wondering if the "F" stands for firewall??? I have no idea, it's only a completely random and uneducated guess, mind you.

Any thoughts?

Sorry, but I'm having issues with this particular web site.

IE keeps telling me the website is not responding and when I try to save a post or even a comment--9 times out of 10, it's not allowing me to, but giving me that screen telling me the site's not there.

I don't even know if it will post this!!