Okay, it sometimes genuinely sickens me, the way some facimile human has totally disregarded those simple basic things that separate us from livestock down on the farm: manners.
The items below, are all things your mum and/or dad should have taught you, so some of what I've listed hopefully most of you already know.
And, if you don't know any of this I'm really sorry, I know it's not a perfect world out there. But, it's never too late to learn to be a civilized member of the human race, ey? 
So, at the risk of sounding like a pompous old prude, here is my basic guide to re-joining the human race:
ESSENTIAL:
Always, always, say "please" and "thank you."
Basic courtesty and respect is what seperates not only the ladies from the sluts and the gentlemen from the scumbags, it's also a reflection on who we are, how we preceiveourselves, and how we want to be seen by society.
They're only three words, but they are three very important words, and if you haven't got the ablitity to say these three little words on a regular basis, don't go any further: you need to go back to the barnyard and stay there. Oh, and please use contraceptives or a condom--we really don't want the likes of you mixing in with our gene pool.
GREETINGS:
On the telephone: "Hello?" "(surname) residence." "This is (first name) speaking, may I help you?"
NEVER ever say: "Who's this!" "Who is this?" "Yes?" "Yeah?" "What d'ya want?" Also, do not grunt...pigs grunt, people say "hello?"
"Who's this!" is about the most low-brow, trashy, piggish and chav way to answer a telephone, by the way...
...I'm talking to you, American mom's and dad's...you know who you are...and, quite frankly, you totally suck as parents if you can't even do a simple thing like teach your wee one's how to answer a telephone properly.
TELEPHONE ETTIQUETE:
The other day, I had some nutjob who was a member of the family--but was not the person I wished to speak to--a guest who was apparently a visitor answering the phone. This woman--who actually said she was the person I was looking to speak to, Mrs. ___, possibly she had the same last name--began the whole conversation in an overly aggressive manner, and kept demanding "Who do you think this is? Who do you think you're talking to?"
Rude doesn't even begin to describe this deranged woman's behaviour. I've quite frankly been around cattle with better manners---IF you are a guest in someone's home, and, you are asked to answer the phone--try not to pick up the phone unless asked, by the way:
At times, someone other than the head of the house will answer the telephone. If that person is asked, "may I speak to Mr. ________ please," the response should be, "one moment please, I will get him for you." If the head of household is not available the response should be, "I am sorry, Mr. _____ is not available at this time, may I take a message?" This is simply a form of good manners, whatever form it may be expressed, thoughtfulness for the feelings of others. This person may be calling to offer a new job with great pay and benefits, who's to know! What would he or she think if the answer to the question, "is Mr. _____ home please," would be an abrupt "no." This response would reflect negatively, on the actual person being called.
If someone has called your nummber incorrectly--even if the call is coming from the same place more than once--DO NOT assume this is the same caller! Families and businesses will call wrong numbers more than once--but with different people doing the dialing, so you MAY have told one person that it's a wrong number--but the next person may be someone different, who is unaware of the situation.
Wrong number response:
"Sorry, wrong number." If the person on the other end, asks to verify that, or to clairfy that--LET THEM.
Whatever you do, do not launch into some insane tirade about them dialing a wrong number--it's just a wrong number, they are not threatening you in anyway, so if you get upset with wrong numbers--either get an unlisted number, take some valum, or get some thereapy.
Other tips:
When someone asks for someone, you say, "May I ask who's calling?" If the person they want is unavailable, do not just say "no!" and hang up.
Simply tell the caller that the person isn't available at present...then wait a few seconds...you may be asked when a good time is to reach that person, or the caller may wish to leave a message.
And above all, unless someone starts off an in-coming call in an agrresive manner--don't be rude, don't shout and don't be agrresssive. LISTEN to what the person has to say, first!
LASTLY, never-ever-ever hang up on someone in mid-conversation, for any reason...other than, of course, if the person calling is being aggressive, rude or threatening.
It is EXTREMELY unlady-like and ungentlmanly, to hang up on ANYONE in mid-conversation, without so much as an APOLOGY. If you have to hang up on someone in mid-conversation---APOLOGIZE first! Otherwise...congratulations...you've just joined the ranks of the farmyard brigade.
IF YOU ARE A GUEST IN SOMEONE'S HOME OR PARTY:
If you are a guest, always bring something...doesn't matter what: candy, a little knick-knack, flowers, snacks or some other food, wine or some other beverage, or even simply a note or greeting card, expressing your friendship and/or thanks.
When standing at an open door, waiting to be let in, do not look inside. And, once inside, do not make too much of a noticable effort of looking around--this is because being nosy is just plain rude. You can look around of course, but only casually, and please do make sure you compliment your host on his or her decor, or at least say something nice about something you notice within the room.
Also, during your time there, or before departing, offer to assist your host with something. Even if your host declines, it still is a way to show that you appreciate the time your host took, to make sure you enjoyed yourself. And, of course, always thank your host when you leave.
Even if you are visiting the home of someone you've never met--say, for professional, soliciting or vounteer purposes--always remember your manners. Even if you don't know the person personally, you STILL are a guest in their home, so behave accordingly!
IF YOU ARE THE HOST;
Greet guests warmly. Offer to take coats, ensure that your guests are comfortable. If more than one guest is involved, always introduce guests to one another as soon as possible. Always offer a guest a beverage or snack, after they've been seated.
And, finally,
BASIC TABLE MANNERS:
1. Sit up straight. Try not to slouch or lean back in your chair
2. Do not speak with your mouth full of food. Trust me, no one likes to see a ball of mashed meat or veg in your mouth. If you feel you must speak immediately, if you have only a relatively small bite, tuck it into your cheek with your tongue and speak briefly...otherwise hold up your hand apologetically, and finish chewing before you speak. Apologize for not answering right away.
3. Chew quietly. Nothing is more off-putting than someone eating their food like they were standing in front of a trough instead of being seated at table. And never suck on your teeth--that is possible one of the most grossest, most disgusting, most annoying sounds there is, quite frankly. If you have food stuck in your teeth, excuse yourself and go get a tooth pick or something.
4. Keep bites small. In order to facilitate the above rules it is smart to keep bite sizes to a moderate forkful. Cut meat and salad so that it doesn't hang from your mouth after you shovel it in. Don't cut all of your meat at one time, this tends to remind people of feeding small children - and the messiness associated with this activity.
5. Eat at a leisurely pace. This rule, besides being good for the digestion, also shows your host that you want to enjoy the food and the company. Eating quickly and running is sign of disrespect for the host, as it shows that your focus is on the food and that you would rather be at home watching the grass grow than passing time with your host.
6. Don't wave utensils in the air, especially knives or if there is food on them. Besides the danger of knocking over glasses, piercing waiters or launching a pea into the eye of your date, this is a sign of over-excitedness that may be unappealing to those present. Earnestness is to be commended, but irrational exuberance goes beyond the limits of good table manners.
7. Keep your elbows off the table. You have also heard this one from your mother, ad infinitum, but in close dining situations it is a vital rule. Elbows take up table space and can be a danger in knocking plates or glasses. Elbows on the table give you something to lean on and tend to lull you into slouching. If you must lean on the table a good tactic is to take a roll or piece of bread into your free hand and rest part of your forearm on the table.
8. Don't Reach. You don't want to get in the way of people either eating or talking. Not only is it as impolite as standing in front of a TV with other people behind you, but there is always the possibility of upsetting glasses or running your sleeve through someone's mashed potatoes.
9. Don't forget please and thank you. These are handy words in most situations but especially vital at the table where common courtesies are noticed by everyone present.
10. Excuse yourself when leaving the table. You don't want people to think that you are tired of their company. If you must leave the table make your excuses somewhat obvious and appear to be pressing. You want to leave people with the impression that you would rather remain at the table talking with them than doing anything else, but the matter at hand is so pressing that it must be attended to at once.
11. Compliment the Cook. Even if the food is perfectly awful say something nice. You don't have to lie, simply find the positive side of the burnt leg of lamb..."Gee, the sauce was sure tasty." It is always pleasant to end a meal on a positive note.
12. Wipe your mouth before drinking. Ever notice that disgusting smudge on the edge of your wine glass? This can be avoided by first wiping your lips with your napkin. Wipe your mouth after eating, as well. Food lip is nothing short of disgusting, and as unpleasant to look at as a booger hanging out of your nose.
13. Napkins: go in your lap, or, alongside your plate--you DO NOT tuck your napkin in like a bib! And, you DO use your napkin, even at a fast food resturant, like McDonalds.
14. Do not slurp or gulp your drink. Sip quietly. If using a straw, you don't make sucking noises. In fact, any loud noise while eating or drinking is totally out of bounds. Farm animals make noise while eating, human beings are supposed be above that.
15. If you have a cold or sinus condition, and cannot excuse yourself to go blow your nose, say, "excuse me," and move your head aside to blow, so no one is actually looking at you while you do it.
16. NEVER EVER belch or fart while at table. If you do accidentally do one of these things, you must ask people to excuse you. Don't make light of it, or a joke about it, unless someone else at table does so, first. If you do belch--and sometimes it can't be helped, always cover your mouth--there is nothing more off-putting than noxious fumes from someone's meal, wafting over the table, trust me.
17. Do not swear or make loud talk while at table. Conversation should be friendly and genial, as the dinner table is not the bar at the Royal Arse Pub, yes?
18. If you need something, ask to have it passed to you, however, it is considered bad ettiqutte to ask to have the wine or other alcoholic beverage passed to you. Be subtle and immaginative in your request for more wine.
