I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

I've been truly blessed to meet some outstandingly fantastic human beings, through the internet--some have even gone on to be my best friends. Still...more often than not, people are mean to me...why?

Well, I have come to firmly belive that that's what I bring out in people. I SUCK as a human being....some people just haven't seen that side of me yet, I reckon...cos if they did, they'd leave me in a heartbeat.

You know, I pretty much grew up being picked on and teased--and even physically hurt, for no other reason than I was fat, ugly, and sometimes a bit slow.

You'd think I'd get used to people being rude and/or mean to me...but you know what? I'm not. It hurts just as much at 48, as it did at 8 or 18 or 28.

Still, I'm stuck in job, where I have to deal with rude, obnoxious mean Americans, every damned day.

Then, I blog--not here, but on Absolute Radio's website, and it I get nailed with rude comments from walking livestock on there, as well!

And, because I blogged about it, to vent my anger and frustration and pain, rather than hold it in, now I've made people mad--even after I got rid of the offending post!

Life sucks and then you die, and if you're really lucky, you won't grow old.

I know this is a pathetic whinge on my part, but sometimes, I really get so sick of people being mean to me. I never thought I'd hear myself say this--it's my second-worse nightmare, but..I want to be put away. No, really. I want to be institutionalized (sectioned, if you will), cos I just don't really want to be in this place I'm in any more, and for the first time in my life, I just don't have the will to fight my way out of it. I just want to just let go of trying to live a "normal" life on my own, and just blow it off. I don't want to be alone anymore. Three years...that's my limit, I guess....it's only three years...and I have (barring illness or accident) whole decades of this, ahead of me. That's more daunting than ANY of you can even fathom.

Latest news I've garnered from the web:

David Tennant is set to make a second Christmas Day appearance in a More 4 documentary celebrating Shakespeare's greatest heroes.
To Be Or Not To Be… In Shakespeare will interview actors about the challenge of taking on iconic Shakespearean roles. Tennant will join Ian McKellen, Diana Rigg, Anthony Sher and Simon Callow in the 60-minute documentary.

The programme forms part of a More 4 season dedicated to McKellen and will accompany its adaptation of Trevor Nunn's RSC production of King Lear, in which the actor reprises the title role.

Now that sounds very cool--good for the British for keeping up Shakespeare! Long live the old sod!

Well, I've had my lunch, of sorts, but before I do anything else, just wanted to say hello.

Good news, is that a woman from National Grid told my social worker that I'm okay, that I can pay the bill on Friday, and still stay on the budget plan, and they won't send me a disconnect notice. Hoo-ray!!!

For National Grid to do that, is nothing short of a miracle. That's sort of like if George W. Bush invited the Taliban to Thankgiving dinner at the White House. National Grid never makes exceptions! Wow! Cool!

I've always paid the bill on time--so hopefull that's in my favour.

I get a 159 dollar check on Friday, so I can easily swing the 85 dollars out of that, thankfully. It will mean I won't be able to pay any of my smaller medical bills this month, and it will pretty much obliterate any Christmas spending--'cos I usually use the last check of the internet bill, with is smaller than the Natl. Grid bill--which is already paid, thanks to my stupidity. But, at least the lights and gas will be on for the holidays, so who cares about extras? I think I can still manage to buy a couple of tins of tuna and some cat toys for the kitties, but...may not be able to get Christmas cards sent out this year, we'll see.

We got our Thanksgiving bonus today--a ten dollar gift card to Hannaford supermarket. That's where I go to cash my disabliity check, so I can use it when I go, and treat myself to an Indian ready meal of Chicken biryani with basmatti rice, and a packet of peas paneer or punjab eggplant. Yum!!!

I wish we had an Indian resturant around here--nearest one's 15 miles away. Thai, Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, Tex-Mex, Puero Rican, Italian, Polish and Greek, but no curry places.

I'm not really in a Christmasy type of mood--gosh, I used to be such a sap for Christmas! But, I might put up the tree this weekend..meh. If I'm in the mood that is. Awful lot of palaver for just myself and three cats, really. Though, last year several people complemented me on the tree in my window, which is always nice. Really, I used to so take the whole decorating thing so seriously! And prezzies? Gosh, I ADORED Christmas shopping! I used to try so hard to get people the perfect present...which could often be a letdown in my family, 'cos they weren't exactly gracious about presents--if they didn't like it, they let you know about it. Heaven knows where I got that love of Christms from, the way my family was--well, suppose it doesn't matter any more, does it?

So, I'm going to have a short lie down, for a bit. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open, dunno' why. I'm sick again, apparently, but not bad. Nothing to put me in hospital anyway, knock wood.

Have a good evening all, cheers. xx

You’re feeling: Knackered, very knackered

To your left: (describe in detail)

Closed closet door with two hoodies and 2 scarves--and my dorky winter hat with the ear flaps, hanging from the coat pegs. To the left of the door, is my 1920's beat up old green book shelf on one side--contains my mysteries, general and classic fiction, and some poetry...on top of the book case is a photo of me and my nephew on horseback, a tiny fake plant (flowers), a small plastic model horse, a small bone chine collie dog, and a mini-model pinto horse wearing a silver parade saddle, that also doubles as a Christmas ornament. To the immediate right of the door, is a dark polished faux wood stand with a small brass-finish table lamp that belonged to my dad, an old knick-knack--a cereamic colonial soldier in aqua-green and white, (beating a drum), and a emerald green glass vase with a handmade lace doiley under it, containing some silk lilacs.

On your mind: Do I lie down, or have lunch, first?

Last meal included: 2 eggs scrambled, 2 slices of bacon, a hash brown potato patty, some diet pepsi.

You sometimes find it hard to: Cope with mean or rude people--even tho' I know I have to and need to.

The weather: gray and dreary, chilly and damp, but not cold--it's 2.8 C. Looks like snow or rain, though, but it hasn't done anything yet.

Something you have a collection of: Bryer, Peter Stone and Schelich (mostly) mini model horses.

A hobby you'd like to do, but something is holding you back:

Model railroading--just simply can't afford it, it's a moderately expensive hobby, particulary for someone in my inome range.

A smell that cheers you up: saddle leather or horse sweat

A smell that can ruin your mood:

The smell of a particularly nasty poo in the ladies.

How long since you last shaved:

Erm? Okay, well every day, damn hormones.

The current state of your hair:

Un-curried Shetland pony

The largest item on your desk/workspace (not computer):

My cheezy old vintage plastic table lamp from Woolworth's with the Clydesdale mother and foal in harness.

Your skill with chopsticks:

Never tried them, but I imagine if I have problems holding a pen, that chopsticks would be just a tad beyond my ken.

Which section you head for first in a bookstore:

Easy: the sci-fi section! Dr Who here I come!

Something you’re craving:

Pizza, I'd love to be rich enough to order a pizza, right now. I reeeaalllly don't feel like another ham and cheese sandwich again.

Your general thoughts on global warming:

Well, I think we've come a long way about being self-aware. Certainly, communities seem to be becoming more global warming friendly. The new library in my city, has been built specifially to be environmentally friendly and to reduce the carbon footprint--from local debris removal, to local furniture, to the lighting system and use of natural light. At home, we probably still have a way to go...especially us spoiled lazy Americans (incl. myself), I reckon.

How many times have you been hospitalized this year:

Once overnight, with several long-term (all day/night) ER visits

Favorite place to go for a quiet moment:

Anywwhere outdoors...whether a pine forest, riverbank, hillside or park bench.

You’ve always secretly thought you’d be a good:

Radio presenter, voice over artist....never told anyone that before, so it is pretty much a secret, I guess.

Something that freaks you out a little:

Getting notices in the mail about having pay cuts, benefit cuts...any sudden reduction in my income, that might send my life into a tailspin--since I do so teeter on the brink, financially, will freak me out, just as tad.

Something you’ve eaten too much of lately:

Chips and dip--love French onion dip, but I rarely ever buy it, except between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

You have never:

Had a man--not my dad-- say, "I love you."

You never want to:

do drugs...not a judgement, or a statement: I simply never had the desire.

You would like to meet:

Russell T. Davies, he's such an awesome and inspiring writer.

You'd rather be living in:

I thought until this week, I'd love to live in the UK somewhere, but now...not so sure anymore...not that that wll ever be an issue, any way.

You'd rather be doing:

Writing, or something where I help people, something with history...I don't care anymore, truth to tell, I would just like to have a job where I'm acutally contributing and where I'm really valued and wanted. (yeah, like everyone wants to be in a totally dead-end job)

I've had this dream(s) come true:

Visiting foreign country, seeing ancient ruins, own my own home (okay, a caravan), working with horses.

I've had this dream(s) not come true:

Owning a horse, living in the UK, getting professionally published or even getting a reading, living a normal life.

Tonight I will:

Watch a DVD, listen to music, do a few chores, maybe blog or something.

Erm--riiight.
(I'm kidding, of course. Don't faint or get yer knickers in a twist, fan-girls)

hello all,

I'm rather bleary eyed this morning...no really, can barely see my monitor screen. Damn, I'm tired. Thank god tomorrow is a sleep in day. Fever's gone, thankfully. But I'm so incredibly knackered that I cannot keep my eyes open. And, my bad jaw where I had that horrendous abscess that traveled into my face, a year ago, for some reason is stiff and sore this morning. I had a ghost toothache where the bad tooth was, last night, as well. Not sure what that's all about.

Speaking of tomorrow--Thanksgiving day for us yanks, second biggest holiday of the year, and the official lead up to the Christmas season--it looks like I'll be having spagetti for my holiday nosh, 'cos iditot-girl forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer. Yup, my holiday dinner at present looks and feels more like some flesh-coloured icy chunks of rock, than chicken. Meh--maybe it will thaw in the fridge over the next 24 hours, but I do rather have my doubts. I do, however, have some hamburger (mince) thawed, so I could always make spaghetti bolognese in a pinch, I reckon. After all, it's only just me here, so who cares what I eat for Thanksgiving? Just a day off, for me, really.

They're saying that lobster is the new turkey for thanksgiving. Does that mean that the Easter Bunny will be the new Santa, for Christmas?

It's not too bad out there, this morning. 31 F (minus 2 C), so not real cold, like it was last week. The sun's trying to peek through the clouds. We're supposed to get either a light snow fall or snow showers today, later on. We'll see. Today's supposed to be the busiest travel day of the year, as people depart to go be with their families tomorrow. Sis was going to invite me to Thanksgiving this year, at her place in Vermont--but, I've had her turkey, and trust me, it's not worth the three hour drive there and back.

I might try and go for a visit around Christmas time, though my sister isn't real relibable about her invitations. One year, she invited mum and me to Thanksgiving dinner--and fell asleep on the sofa in a stoned stupor, burning the turkey to a crisp, and serving us green been casserole and cranberry sauce, for our meal. I actually am a bit puzzled by my sister--she won't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons, but celebrates Thanksgiving..which in a way is also a religious holiday.

Anyway, my stupid petition online, that I did as a sort of joke, asking David Tennant to stay on as the Doctor now has all of 13 signers. Oooh, Tennant, better pack that sonic screwdriver away, cos, already they're saying, "David....what-was-his-name?"

I wonder how it will be for him, after he's left the show, watching Dr Who without him in it. Will he be fine with it, and just enjoy it? Or, will it be like re-visiting your childhood home that you cared for, after someone else has moved in to it and made it their own?

There's so many rumours flying around about The Next Doctor, that I can't keep up with them. The big one is that Mis H--the baddie, is really the Rani. That's a fun rumour, but I'd rather wait and be surprised.

I don't totally object to the occasional spoiler, but I don't get this obsession some fans have for knowing what's going to happen before it happens. I mean, for pity's sake! Would you read page 187 of a book, when you're only on page 2, just to see what happens? Wouldn't be much point to reading the book then, would there be? Would you go on a treasure hunt--if you already knew where the treasure was?

Ah well, some people just have no sense of adventure or wonder, these days. Pity, that.

Some news commentators are remarking that America suddenly seems to have two presidents. Obama has been seen as almost taking charge of the economic situtation as Bush sort of shrugs and walks away. Some journalist are being hard put to find kudos for the man, instead, iciting his "intellectual laziness" and "creative paralysis" in his grasp of the true meaning of things. Bush went soley with his own gut, his own iron-clad narrow vision, refusing to ever be steered by common sense, expert advice, or practical reasoning. And, in the end, he paid the price. He caused the downfall of his party, the loss of our allies, and made the world a lot less secure and safer place, than when he came into office, 8 years ago. Not a very good legacy, that.

"Nibbles and chicks, nibbles and chicks, gonna' get me some nibbles and chicks..."

(click pic twice to make bigger)

My two best friends: mum and my half-collie, Shamrock, summer 1979.

I miss mum so much. I've never stopped missing Sham, tho' she passed away at the early age of 7 years, in 1983. Shamrock was my shadow throughout my teens and early 20's...we were more than friends, we were partners...no words needed, just a look, and she knew what I wanted. Sham got sick in 83, and we tried all summer to help her, but the disease was incurable, so we put her down. Until the day mum died, that was the hardest day of my life.

Then, in the mid-80's, there was my little ginger cat, Jamie McCrimmon. He adored me, and I him. Sadly, a mean elderly neighbour complained about him peeing on her roses, and the landlord told me I had to get rid of him. I tried placing him in a home, but he missed me so much, he refused to eat--I would be evicted if I kept him, so I had no choice but to put him to sleep--I still remember the trust and love in his eyes, when the vet put the injection in--it haunts me to this day--I should have gone homeless...In hindsight, I think I would have rather lived on the street and kept Jamie.

Three years ago, I literally watched my mum die. I don't want to talk about that, tho'.

Two years ago, almost the same week that mum died, my old Red was put to sleep. I brought red into the world, bottle nursed him, 'cos he was born ill, and couldn't nurse--went out at 2 in the morning to the all-night K-mart store, to get the special kitten formula from the pet department. When Red disappeared for a three days, I never ceased wandering the streets and woodlots, calling his name, and when he cam limping home, crying piteously with a fractured leg--that was one of the best days of my life. Not the leg injury, knowing he was back and not dead or lost forever. I never let Red go outside again. When I moved to a small town in the Adirondack mountains, Red came with me--and immediately got sick, with a UTI. I got him better again--and he lived with me, through thick and thin, for 18 years...Red would just sit there sometimes, just staring lovingly at my face, just so incredibly blissfully happy, just to have me near him. How many humans can say they've had that sort of love?

I miss Red so much tonight. I still have three cats--and they love me---but, they don't love me like Red, or Jamie or Shamrock did. You know, some pet owners only get an animal like this, only once in their lifetimes--some, never at all. I've been blessed three times over.

And mum...God, she stayed by me through thick and thin, as well. Always, always encouraging me to follow my heart and my dreams, no matter what those dreams were. Mum wanted me to enjoy the world around me. She made every effort to get me to be curious about the world around me, to explore history and nature and the printed word. To love horses, antiques, the theater, whatever interests I had, she encouraged me--usually. There were times she drew the line, out of worry for me, and I railed against it. Still, the times she was encouraging far outnumbered when she nay sayed anything.

Mum liked my company (most of the time), and I hers. We laughed at many of the same things, and shared each other's interests--I in turn encouraging her interests in genealogy, doll houses and paper dolls.

I miss her company...talking about stuff, watching films together, going for rides in the car and simply enjoying the scenery, going to flea markets, auctions and garage sales (mum was a garage sale buff), eating out at resturants, playing a board game, or Super Mario Brothers on my NES, cooking for her. I sometimes feel that very empty gap in my life, that she used to fill.

"Everything I own." I had this album when I still had Shamrock. While Shamrock was still alive, I just thought is a beautiful song--After Sham died, it tore my heart open, and made me cry...still does. And, all these years later, it's STILL a beautiful song. (from the album, "Best of Bread.")

Here's a song for everyone who's ever loved and lost: