Search blog.co.uk

Posts archive for: 22 November, 2008
  • My legs ARE still there, aren't they?

    Note to self: buy thermal underwear pants, ASAP!

    I'm telling you, it's just not my day...if I still believed in Him, I might even childishly mutter that God must really hate me. I get out of the store, wheel my trolley as close to the bus shelter as I can (heavy bags, you see), lift them out of the trolley, get almost to the bus stop---and yes, the bus came barrelling by, without stopping. Damn. And, the temperature was dropping and the wind was blowing harder...this is the bus that has to go all the way downtown, and all the way back up to the suburbs, again--a trip of about 30 to 45 minutes, depending on traffic and how many stops it makes.

    After a 20 minute wait standing in the cold, I finally bit the bullet and rang up a cab--which costs 4 dollars more than the bus--and after paying that (wrong) bill yesterday, and buying the remainder of my week's grocery shopping...plus an extra pair of gloves, a scarf and a bar of Yardley lavender soap from the $1 store, I had only 15 dollars left, until next pay day. That hurt my wallet a wee bit, that cab fare---but my bad foot was aching something terrible, and I only just could feel my legs--I was dressed warm enough from the waist up, but only had a pair of jeans on, and my legs were getting number and number by the second...and I still have this blasted cold, as well.

    Decided that $4 was a small price to pay for being able to feel my legs again, and not getting double pnuemonia, in the bargain.

    I've been home about 20 minutes...and the bus that I would have taken, only now has just gone by...so, those of you that are blessed to have either a car, or good public transport...don't go whinging at me about the price of gas/petrol. You won't have a very sympathetic ear, I'm afraid.

  • A nice end to the afternoon, though.

    After such a crappy day, I trudged home to my late lunch, only to find a nice surprise waiting for me. One of my friends sent me an early Christmas present of a Jack Black DVD set! I love Jack Black films, so I'm so delighted...there's even one I'd never heard of, called "Orange County," so I am doubly delighted to have a totally new film to watch. I'm sure it'll be great.

    Well, grabbed a quick sandwich of deli sliced chicken breast on an onion roll (with Russian salad dressing) and some potato chips (crisps), and now must book out of here to the store, to get things I wasn't able to get, yesterday. Not looking forward to standing around waiting for a bus, though. It's FREEZING out there--and when I say I'm cold, that's says a lot, 'cos I usually don't mind the cold at all, and actually would rather be cold, than hot, generally. But...OMG.

    Even tho' it's not actually cold, by northeastern New York standards--25 F (minus 4 C), there's a stiff arctic wind behind it...and brother, THAT's colder than hell. The windchill is minus 8 C...about 18 degrees...yet I swear it feels more like 8 F, when that wind's blowing in your face!

    I've just realized that I am aging. You know, I've worked outside all day in killer (a literal word here) windchilss of minus 60 F, and didn't think a thing of it...not that I didn't whinge a wee bit about it, mind you. Now, I'm whinging about a bloomin' mere 18 F windchill? Oh yeah, bring on the bath chair and the walker.

    Another thing I just thought of...whover came up with the expression of "cold as hell," anyway? Isn't that just a tad of an oxymoron?

    Well, no doubt in my mind, that, should there actually be such a place, reckon I'll be seeing it some day--matter of fact, I'm planning on building a beach house on the lake of fire.

  • "Ain't Nothin' But A Party"

    DIRTY DOZEN BRASS BAND, FROM NEW ORLEANS, LA:

  • Game over

    This weekend totally blows. I just got my first complaint in two years. Some bitch was upset 'cos we'd called her house twice in the same day--after she'd told us her hubby wasn't home....probably one of these dim snarky broads who are asked when a good time to call is, and say, "I don't know," and THEN get upset when we call back later in the day.

    Unfortunately, Sarah Palin is the poster woman for middle class American women everywhere.

    For instance, I just called some woman in Minnesota, hubby wasn't home, so I asked "Is there a good time when we can reach him?" Response: "No." Oh, that was an well-thought out answer, that, sweetheart. Give that a lot of thought, did you?

    Anyway, Mrs. Pitbull was screaming in my ear and making demands faster than I could answer them, and all I did--after repeatedly trying to tell her that I was attempting to fix the issue--which she ignored. I tried to ask her not to please not be so confrontational (she really was screaming) and stop to let me answer her questions for her--well, my fault, partially I suppose. I should have put the phone on hold, move the phone away from my ear--enough so I can hear the noise, but not so close than I can actually h hear her actual words...and just let the pig with lipstick squeal her head off at will...and waited for her to run out of breath. It's what I sometimes have to do.

    But, I've been getting screamed and yelled at by people for the last 4 hours--half a dozen of them, merely a wrong number--and by the way, morons, if you just say, "Sorry, wrong number," it would save us both a lot of time--I DO NOT need the War and Peace version of WHY it's a wrong number, okay? So button it, and get over yourselves! Anyway, enough is enough. I WANTED to help the woman, but she obviously didn't WANT my help, she just hadn't had any sex lately, and needed to take her sexual frustrations out on someone. At least, that's what I like to think, anyway.

    Human beings totally suck sometimes, you know that (friends excepted)

  • Miserable git? Nah--just your average middle class American

    Gosh, was I right or what, this morning? These people are miserable gits today.

    And, idiots--oh wait, they're always idiots, sorry.

    Nothing brings out those warm, compassionate, considerate feelings in Americans, like a national holiday giving thanks to God, followed a month later, by a national holiday celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace...NOT.

    You'd think, after a childhood of getting continually getting picked on at school...for being fat/ugly, after years of verbal and emotional abuse, I'd get used to total strangers treating me like rubbish...I need a lot thicker skin...or maybe just give in already, and stop thinking of myself as a human being, lol.

    Another reason to become an athiest--if we're made after "His" image...what's that say about God?

  • The Last Place on Earth

    So,

    I'm on the phone, trying to sell stuff, and I get this gal on the phone, and all she will say to me, is, "No talky, no talky."--with the requisite giggling in the background, which makes it blatantly obvious that it's some teenage prat fooling around on the phone...well, it could be the mum, these days it's sometimes getting difficult to tell who is the parent, and who is the child.

    Anyway, the caller would have been suspect, anyway, 'cos I was calling Nebraska.

    I mean, what immigrant would come to America, and say, "I want go to Nebraska!"

    I mean, it's like someone from Beverly Hills, wanting to move to Three Mile Island (the town that's host to nuclear reactor plant that sprung a serious leak years ago).

    Nebraska? Not buying that, thanks.

    That would be like me saying I'm dying to live in Milton Kenyes or something.

  • Okay..just stop. I do NOT know David Tennant!!!

    I don't flippin' believe this. Just got a message that "maybe David can help." That's David Tennant the actor, this person is referring to, not my cousin Dave, whom I've not seen in nearly 30 years.

    I mean, I really don't know the man, he doesn't know me, and WHY would the man care, for pity's sake? He's an actor, not Dr Who. From what I've been told, he drives a Toyota, not a Tardis.

    What's he gonna' do? Send me an autographed post card that says, "Sorry you're a loser, cheers, David Tennant"? Riiight.

    It's nice this young person (God, I hope it's a kid) thought enough of me to write me, but come on. Reality check: The man lives a life that is totally opposite of mine, 3000+ miles away, and has no connection with me, whatsoever. And really, even if we were next door neighbours, why would the gentleman care?

    Geez....thanks for the thought, anyway, I suppose. But, this is my problem, leave the wee man out of it. I just write crap about him on my blog, I really, really really don't know the guy, promise. the David Tennant's of the world wouldn't give someone like me, the time of day, I don't care how nice they are supposed to be.

  • Changing the subject--David Tennant interview

    This is a nice interview with David Tennant, where he discusses the "Einstein and Eddington" film he'd done last year, and, his preperation for his role of Hamlet, which is really interesting.

    In this interview, I must say that Mr. Tennant sounds very relaxed and content with his life, which is nice. I hope that's true. This is part one, of a two-part interview.

  • I wish I were someone else, someplace else...anyone, anywhere

    I'm knackered, I'm sick in body and heart this morning. I've had little sleep, thanks to the partying teens over my head last night, thumping and banging on my celing until half-past two in the morning. Besides the return of my cold, I'm sick inside, with the knowledge that I forgot this important bill, like it never exisited.

    I feel like I should just give up on myself, this morning. I'm not going to make it, in this life, I'm just not. I Probably need to put the cats to sleep, get rid of my stuff, and ask the government to section me, and put me in a home somewhere, since I can't seem to take care of myself--it's my second-worst nightmare, second only to my being homeless, but maybe it's my destiny...because certainly, every time I think I've got a firm grip on living a "normal" life, life turns around and bites me my face off.

    . That's what's been running through my mind since I woke up this morning. I'm sure my parents, were they still alive, would be ashamed of me. I haven't stopped crying.

    I've got another stinking cold, I've less than 4 hours sleep--two nights in a row, I don't get any days off this week, until Thrusday, due to the national holiday, so I can't get a day to chill out. I have to work 4 1/2 hours on the phones today--and it's Saturday, so I KNOW the so-called human beings I'll be ringing up across America, will be nasty little puke heads...I wish I wasn't here. I wish I wasn't me. I wish the earth would just swallow me up and be done with it.

    Still, nothing I can do. I can't even try to fix this--if it is fixible, until MOnday morning--I just have to suffer through the weekend.

    I was looking forward to having--for the first time in years--a fairly worry-free Christmas. Certainly, as per the norm for me of late, it would be another financially tight Christmas--I shake my head when I hear people grousing this year about a "tight" Christmas spending season--it's been that way for me, for the past 3 years, so I just sigh when I hear people complaining about this year. We never stop to realize how lucky we are, do we? I mean, I wasn't always poor--I've had Christmases where I was able to buy everyone at least one or two nice gifts, and have a nicely decorated home and stuff. And I do appreciate that I at least had that, in the past...but some people don't, sadly.

    That's how I am trying to keep my sanity--remembering that it wasn't always like this...and knowing that at some point in my life, I did have good things happen to me...and even tho' times seem dark, there once was light...yes, I don't belive in my ever having light again..but the memory of those shining moments leaves me grateful...because I know, somewhere on earth, someone hasn't had what I'd had, back when.

    So, I don't want to, I'm so depressed that I long to just stay in bed all day...but I have to have breakfast and stumble off to my cubicle at the communication firm where I work, and slog through half a day of calling people to sell them crap they probably neither want or need.

  • Blank

    I can't think of a title for this post.

    How do I feel, right now?

    Angry with myself for being such a scatter-brain, frustrated that I seem to be losing control of my every day daily life--stuff you lot take for granted and probably don't even think much about, I'm having a harder and harder time coping with...don't feel like explaining that, right now, sorry.

    Lost, I feel very lost, as well. And, alone, helpless.

    I feel stupid--I HATE it when I feel stupid. I don't have the highest IQ out there, tho' most of the time I try to ignore that fact...some days it's just too bloomin' obvious.

    I'm a very negative person, these days. No wonder no one here wants to pal around with me. I imagine it would be like being mates with Victor Meldrew or Ebenezer Scrooge (before Christmas morning), or Jack the priest from Father Ted. Or, maybe all three...only I really don't care for the taste of floor polish, so maybe not jack the priest.

    I feel like I'm caught in a deep gooey hole of black muck, and it's pulling me down--but only by milimeters--to a bottomless, very dark place.

    And you know the worst part? I don't think I really care, any longer.

    The only thing that keeps me going, is the caring of a few friends (none of whom I've actually ever met in person), and my 3 cats.

    I've lost so much of what makes me...me--my home, my parents, my cat Red, my education/future, big chunk of my possessions, part of my freedom..and even, in a tiny way, I even genuinely feel the loss of the Dr Who, who sustained me through so many crises these past two or so--though I really don't take it personally, I am taking it more to heart than what's probably good for me.

    Certainly, I've been struggling to move on--but anyone can say, "you have to get on with your life," 'cos--they aren't going through this, are they? What the hell do they know? Most people who tell me this, have money to spare to find other outlets to occupy them--or a good career or SOMETHING. They have friends right there, or family support, or SOME kind of normalcy in their lives...they can get out and go places amd be with other people...I don't have that. I may never have that, again, truth to tell, and well I know it, too.

    At this point, all I can do is put my head down and try to avoid getting so shell-shocked by life, that I begin to see death as a permanant holiday away from a living hell. There really ARE worse things than dying, ya'know. I'm just glad none of you (I hope) will ever have to learn that.

    At this time in my life, all I can do is go to bed at night, wake up in the morning, and pray life doesn't beat me up again. I try not to dwell too much on my past--other than for theraputic reasons or story-telling. I have NO future. My future is dead...even if I could kick-start my will to go for my dreams again..I just no longer have the heart or the spirit or the energy to even try. In fact, some days, even blogging or writing some Who-fic, is a mighty effort.

    Well, who cares...I'm nobody. I'm one person in billions. I've never contributed to society, no one needs me for anything, and never will anyone pound on my door, wanting me to be with them or work for them or whatever. I'm a fallen leaf in a mountain-sized pile, ready to be swept away by the leaf blower of life.

  • oh Fuck!!! I'm screwed!!!

    I'm living a nightmare, tonight. I paid the wrong f'ing bill!!!!

    My utility bills---it's due on Monday, and I just paid the wrong fucking bill!!! now I don't have the $85 dollars for my bill--which is on the budget plan--if I don't pay the budget plan on time--I HAVE to pay the WHOLE thing--OVER $1000!

    OH F-U-C-K.

    Thank God I'm not feeling suicidal...but I'm not far from it. Now I'm going to have my electricity shut off. National Grid are the bigggest bastards on the planet--if you are literally even 1 second late, all bets are off.

    I've been so sick with this damn flu, and so exhausted--the little brats upstairs are drunk and literally running around like a bunch of toddlers on speed--in some cases, literally running, banging the furniture, with their stinking giggly barbie doll girl friends egging them on. I mean it's been thump-thump-bang-thump-giggle-giggle--thump-thump-crash-bang, all f'ing night! It's nearly two am, and the wee yobbos are still at it! I'm exhauted and I'm sick and sleep is out of the question...and I have to pay 625 a month for this shit, next month--plus utilities, mind you.

    I can't move--I don't have the $1500 or so dollars it would cost--someone at work today, asked me why I didn't buy a laptop...right. Why don't I just by a yacht and a rolls royce while I'm at it, as well?

    I can try to go to the social services office on Monday--why does this crap always happen on a weekend. I CAN'T believe I paid the wrong stinking bill--I paid my $50 internet bill, instead of the $85 electric bill--I am such a LOSER.

    I wish I had someone to help me look after myself, sometimes, it's not easy being alone and being bi-polar. I can't get any treatment for it, and I don't have anyone around anymore, to give me gentle reminders--"don't forget to pay the electric/gas bill..."

    Now, with record cold temps forecasted for this winter (so much for global warming), I may not have and lights, heat, or cooking gas.

    I really do--serously--envy my dead mother, sometimes. At least she's free of all this rubbish, and has some peace...I just have to wait to die, already. I hate me, so much, it's not funny.

    Oh, and I'm not writing this to beg for help or anything, honest, I'm really not...I'm just venting...I'll get out of this mess, somehow...or if not, maybe I can buy some camping lanterns and a kerosene heater, and eat non-perishable food.

  • Tagged by Kevin: 7 randm things about me...

    Seven things, ey?

    1. I once was roaming an 80 year old dumping ground, looking for antique bottles, when I lifted up a cast iron boiler--and found a glass egg right underneath it...the milk glass kind they used to use to encourage hens to lay. That, always has amazed me.

    2. I had to lip snyc Handel's Messiah during a school concert once, 'cos I had an ear infection and couldn't hear a bloomin' thing.

    3. My dad told me back in the early 90's, that the boy who grew up next door to us--and whom I had once been quite close to, had died, by casually shoving the newspaper article about it at me, saying, "here, read this."

    4. I once was tied to a tree when I was quite young (in a game of cowboy/outlaw), by a woman who now works as a personal asistant in the Hollywood film industry, and whose name has appeared on the credits of such films as Total Recall, Die Hard with a Vengence, I Spy, Tombstone and Street Kings.

    5. I taught myself to ride a bike, all on my own.

    6. My first acting role in college was in a 10 minute play called, "Watermelon Boats."

    7. My first live concert that I ever went to, was a Cowsill's concert (whom the early 70's television series, "The Partridge Family" was based on), at the Chatham Fair in 1969. They were a family band from Newport, Rhode Island.

    I remember them singing this song:

    I tag seven people who read this, whom actually want to be tagged and do one of these meme things.

  • Man and Nature

    I was reading about environmental issues in my part of the world: PCB's (a likely carcinogen spewed into the upper Hudson River by General Electric, pre-1960's, an oil that has migrated out of the river, through the rock and soil--sometimes for miles, and into lakes, yards, even beneath people's homes. The ENTIRE town of Fort Edward, NY, on the Hudson River in the southern Adriondack mountain region, is polluted with PCB's and other hazardous waste...after 20 years of haggling by GE lawyers with the US Enviornmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC), clean up of the river, from Fort Edward, around 50 miles to the dam at Troy,--just north of the capital city of Albany--is even now as I write this, underway. The dredging of contaminated riverbed will make the river usasble again, for fishing on a limited basis, in about 50 or 60 years..give or take a decade or so.

    Yet, nothing whatsoever is being done, to clean the town. People cannot sell their homes, because of it--in fact, one of my supervisors whom lives there, hasn't paid her mortgage in years, and the bank has made no attempt to foreclose--THAT's how bad things are there. The rate for cancer--most especially leukemia, is said to be much higher than anywhere else in the region. This disease has hit not only adults, but local children as well--even babies. Yet, the state of New York does nothing.

    Is a river more important than a human life? Which is more important, clean water, or a child getting to live a normal, healthy life?

    I suppose the easy answer, is to say "both." But, what if we had to choose? What if we had to decide between a clean, safe water source for thousands--perhaps millions, even...and the life of a single child? How do you do that? I wish I had the answer, but...I'm an idiot, what do I know?

    It used to be, two hundred or so years ago, man lived in concert with his surroundings--far more than we now could ever do so. Man depended on nature to feed him, clothe him, provide shelter and tools. He used wool from sheep, and grew cotton. He brought animals into the world, and slughtered them when their time had come. He cleared fields with stone boats, lifting each stone by hand--and often re-using them as fences..building the boundries of his farm, one stone at a time. There was no rush, those men back then, didn't keep banker's hours, no way. They were up before the sun, and worked sometimes by moonlight. They lived by their heads and their hands and their hearts--putting passion into everything they did...because it made them what they were. A man would look at a fence, a barn, a plowed field, and think, "this is me, this is who I am." The farmer, would see his own progress, and know that it was that way, solely because of his own desire to grow and make his mark on the world.

    He built mills from wood and stone, using wooden pegs, beams and stone wheels, which he himself had fashioned with froe and saw, mallet and chisel...items he may well have made himself, from stuff he got from his own woods. He used those stones and pegs and beams, opened the sluce boxes that fed the water wheel that turned the stones, and made bread, feed and even the ink to write about his accomplishments--heck, even his quill pen came from nature!

    These men set their lives in pace with the seasons--they had to. Yet, there were times, when they fell out of sync with nature. Most people come to these mountains where I live, and they positively marvel, at the countless millions of trees that stretch on for miles and miles. Yet, little do they know, that back in the 19th century, at the height of the industrial age, these mountains--whole mountains, mind you, were completely laid bare. Not a tree left on them. There's actually very few "old growth" trees left in the Adirondacks. They were taken away for use in paper mills, tanneries, making charcoal for iron furnaces...floated down the Hudson river by the tens of millions.

    The men of the mountains, even into the 1930's, would start fires, as well. They would do it for the money, that the rangers paid them for putting out the fires.

    And, in that way, I sometimes think, that things really haven't changed that much. Today, more people than ever are becoming more and more aware of the natural world around them--a world that shrinks more and more every day. We talk about carbon footprints, clean water, clean air, global warming...but, when was the last time, you lay down under a tree, with your head against the trunk, and looked up through the branches, listened to the wind, watched it playing with the leaves and branches?

    When was the last time, you sat quietly, and simply listened to the circling of the life that is all around us: the wind and water and wood, the birds and animals--when was the last time, you were silent, and just let nature come inside you for a while?

  • Word up!

    Verbal IQ Test http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=1120

    The Verbal IQ Test assesses three major elements of verbal ability: your knowledge of vocabulary, your level of reading comprehension and your ability to understand the relationships between words. Verbal intelligence is a major part of one’s intellectual capacity. Although verbal skills make up only a fraction of what is known collectively as intelligence, this kind of ability tends to be quite useful in our society. Reading, writing, and speaking are heavily employed in our academic, social, personal, and professional lives. Verbal intelligence is reflected in the ability to express oneself in words as well as the ability to read, write, and interpret written and spoken language. Verbal skills are also essential tools for gaining knowledge on other subjects that have no direct relationship to verbal disciplines (math, physics, economics, and even raising pigeons).

    Vocabulary I Q Test Results:

    SubFacor IQ score = 137
    Subscale percentile = 99

    137

    You appear to have a very extensive vocabulary. You know the meanings of most of the given terms, some of which are extremely advanced. Your excellent vocabulary can help you communicate and understand the written word.

    Yeah, but it can't seem to lift me out of poverty and a dead-end life, so what the hell good is this?

Footer:

The content of this website belongs to a private person, blog.co.uk is not responsible for the content of this website.