I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

going out to watch a film, or doing a bit of shopping...then going with someone to a cozy little mom and pop kind of Italian place, for dinner and conversation...what I've got:

My big ol' ginger cat Boots on my lap, two hot dogs and potato chips for dinner, and a long night of nothing much to do.

Ah well. Life has dictated that rather than being someone's dinner companion...I'm stuck being the stay-at-home crazy cat lady.

I just got tagged again...this time a David Tennant quiz...think I'll pass on that one, thanks...I'm not that bored, ha-ha.

Oh geez, now I'll probably have those freaky DT fans yelling at me now, for calling Tennant "boring"--NOT that I'm am! (the freaky fans--the one's who Google "David Tennant:

...naked, nude, penis, boxer shorts, crotch, porn, bulge, man-bulge, David Tennant smoking--(well, after reading that, he probably would need a drag on a ciggie) shoe size, what he eats, where he lives, where he's staying in Stafford, "ten-inch," is he gay? He is gay, he is not gay, what's his hairstyle name, who's he dating, favourite drink, what's his home address, what's his e-mail address, what's his mobile number, where he's filming in Norfolk, David Tenant at stage door, private life, his next personal appearence")...well, you get the idea. Bonkers, every last one of them!

Poor wee man. If he wasn't so desired by women, rich, famous and in a brillant career..hell, I'd really feel sorry for the bloke...but, with all the big perks he has, I reckon he's learned to live with the downside...well, what man (who isn't gay) would seriously object to women throwing themselves at him? Anyone? Well...maybe to the fat, ugly one's...

Anyway...moving on:

Have a new schedule to the end of the year, starts Tuesday. I now have Sunday and Monday off, and half of Tuesday...outside of when I've been ill, I've not had two days off in a row, in a good many months, so that'll be nice. Beginning next week, I'll work Tuesday nights, and day shift Wed. through Saturday. Means I won't get to sleep in, those days, but...getting two and a half days off is pretty good compensation.

Some people are putting up Christmas decorations already. Well, it is gloomy, and I suppose the lights and decorations maybe a bit more cheery to them. Going to be a lean holiday for millions of people, this year, including moi. That's why I put my prezzies on laywawy now, and can save for the rest of the payment, which isn't due until December 6th. I kept my present budget to 20 dollars this year, which is fine. I have to buy a present for my nephew...which is a lot harder at 17, than when he was 7, let me tell you! Especially, since I've not seen him since my late mum's burial day, which will be three years ago, end of next week.

What the hell do you buy a 17 year old nephew, that you barely even know?

Well, I've got loads of time yet, to figure that one out. I was going to buy a trout for my Thanksgiving meal this year--but blimey! Wow, nearly 9 dollars for ONE trout? They can throw it back, I'm not blinking well buying it at that price! Anyway, I got a package of skinless chicken thighs, and thought I'd make my "Cherried chicken" for Thanksgiving..that's just tinned cherry pie filling, put on top of seasoned chicken and slow cooked, then served on top of a bed of couscous. I thought as an extra "treat," that I'd whip up a little hollandaise or other type of sauce, and serve it over some steamed cauliflower, as my veg.

Cherry pie filling is great over baked ham (gammon) as well, by the way.

I suppose, I get frustrated with myself, my life...angry even, because of the static way my life has ended up. It isn't easy knowing that you've landed in the one place you've tried to avoid all your life.

It was a jolt to my sense of self, my very sense of personal freedom, when I became lame last year. Always before, even if I didn't have a car at my disposal, I could still ride a bike, or walk to wherever I had to go, three or four miles, if necessary (not an easy feat for a fat person, let me tell you). Now, just a simple walk to the office--which used to take me no more than 6 or 7 minutes, now takes 10 to 15 minutes...and tires me. Less than 2 years ago, it used to take a brisk walk of several miles to do that...now, I cannot even walk the four streets down to my office building without feeling tiredness and pain. But, I think the tiredness isn't only from physical ailment, I think it's the knowledge that I have had another chain placed around me, as well.

I am weighted down with chains. Whether it's financial, or depression, being stuck here in this place, or simply knowing that all the things I valued in the past have been swept away...and knowing that life has likely not finished with me yet, these things have wrapped themselves--cold, hard, solid realities--around my sense of self, and have dragged me down to a place I don't think I'm ever going to get out of.

Before, I had my own home and car, a parent to care for, college classes to keep my mind engaged and to give me hope for my future, hobbies to keep me interested in life, nature (I was living in the country) to soothe and uplift my spirit. Now...all gone, every bit of it.

I'm like a chair inside an empty house, serving no useful purpose, just..there.

Still, I have my mind. It isn't quite as sharp as it was, a couple of years ago, Yet, that IS, half of what makes us alive, makes us human...our minds...compassion and a sense of respect being the other two parts. At least, that's what I think, anyway. I can still develop ideas, form new thoughts, learn new approaches and lessons to the world around me.

It isn't much, really. I can't do anything with it. I mean, I like working with my voice, but outside of telemarketing (which I suck at), that's really a useless thing. I love writing, but no way is any publisher going to look twice at me, and no one in my lifetime is ever going to actually pay me for something I've written...I've no "Spark" no talent...I'm just...okay. Average. And, that's fine, really. But...what good am I?

My emotional energy level is close to zero, these days. I used to voluteer for things, just to keep active, and because I like helping people and causes and stuff...but, I've stopped wanting to do that. I had become fairly outgoing since going back to college and doing theater and giving presentations and speeches and stuff, now, I just want to hide in a dark corner and stay there. I've changed, and I don't like it, but...I haven't a clue how to get out, how to break away.

Our lives are like a rain shower on a pond--raindrops forming circles, circles touching cirlces...but...it's almost like my part of the water is hidden from the rain of humanity, of living one's life, by the dark and twisted foilages of a stagnant and murky shoreline.

I sort of know that I could just ditch it all, walk away, live somewhere else...but, the dark boding spectre of homelessness, scares the living hell out of me. I need security and rountine, and that sort of life is the last place on earth one would find those things.

So, I sit here and blog, and look out the windows at the november rain...and the maple tree out front, its drooping brown leaves, the dark bark streaked with green moss, seeming to commiserate with me.

Well, here's hoping today will be relatively pleasant, and not a repeat of last night. Yeah, probably not. Let's face reality...I suck at my job.

Anyway, had breakfast, petted the cats...spent ten minutes of my morning deleting spam from my posts in two different blogs--same spammers whom have been plauging me all week, the morons. I would rather be boiled alive in oil, than visit some spammer's website. I wish these stupid people who do this crap for a living, would somehow understand that...but, that's why their spammers and not bank execuitves.

So, I did a Roasting DT post, finished a paragraph on my Dark Holiday Dr Who fan fic post on my Wordpress blog..and began a new paragraph...big deal. But, not much time to write this morning.

I fed the cats, now I have to limp off to work and try to sell crap to...people.

Hope you have a good Thursday all.

In particular, I got some creeps trying to sell me jewelry--which will probably make me break out in hives---IF I bought jewelry...I DON'T. I've not bought jewelry in years.

And, what kind of stupid moron even visits these web sites? DON'T. Not even out of curiousity.

Visit these advert spam websites only if you are ten different kinds of stupid, because it's for sure that they can trace your visit, and probably stick some adware or something on your computer.

Blog.co.uk SAYS they're trying, but I swear, I'm sick of having to delete comments and whole posts, every single flippin' morning. I've rarely had this issue on Blogger, and NEVER on wordpress. it totally takes all the fun out of blogging in the morning.

...I don't want to end the night with a depressing, whingy post.

My favorite and least liked foods.

Favourite: Pizza/Italian-American
Least: Anything with mushrooms in it

The best "classic" work of fiction that I ever read.

Wow, that's a tough call...there's so many! I guess Cannery Row, by John Steinbeck.

The first "Classic" book that I ever read.

Probably Black Beauty, or maybe King Arthur and His Knights.

The worst book I've ever had to read.

An incredibly dull textbook, titled: Television Advertising and Children. ZZZZZ! With extra lashings of on top.

The present that I would like to receive.

Anything to do with Dr Who or Horses, or a ticket to a play, or a good book, or a classic film on DVD, and I'm happy as a racoon in a full rubbish bin.

This is my hobby

Mostly just writing--which I've done little of, in the past several weeks. Sometimes when I can afford it, I buy a new Breyer Stablemates mini model horse. On more rare occasions--only three times in the last 2 years--I might do a silk floral arrangement. If I had a lot more funds, I'd be collecting saddles and other horse-related antiques, or maybe even fooling around with a model railroad...I keep trying, but am too often limited by lack of funds and/or space.

My favorite television show

Dr Who of course, silly!

My favorite film of all time.

Arsenic and Old Lace

Fill in the blank: _____ is my life.

Writing.

Favorite two comedians

Oh, love Dawn French and Catherine Tate on the female side.

Guys...hmm--Graham Norton, always good for a giggle. And, I can relate to Drew Carey.

I had a horrid night on the job. I had to call...crafters...most of whom would never qualify...just going on their sheer absense of ladylike behavoiour on the phone...never qualify as ladies. Bimbos, trash, chavs, broads...yes, lady...never in their pathetic little crafty lives.

The men were just as bad, behaving horridly as well. Yup, had the full white-trash (chav) experience tonight.

If you people (meaning three quarters of the American population) could just hear yourselves and your family members, and how you speak to strangers on the phone--you people would be appalled and ashamed--providing that you are still civilized human beings, and have not already fully declined into two-legged pigs. Then there's no help for you, you're American livestock, and deserve no respect from anyone.

My coworker--who is forever bound to a wheelchair, was calling BIBLE college alumni, and they were screaming foul language at him, and berating him like they just didn't care who they hurt, verbally. All because it's easy to hurt someone you don't know and can't see (that's why Americans like war so much--they never see, and never make the effort to comprehend, the suffering and death and pain it causes innocent human beings).

For a nation that claims bravery, courage and God's personal endorcement, Americans are the biggest cowards in the western world, and if God--if there was a God-- loves them, the way they treat each other...He's one helluva tolerant entity.

I try not to take these crap human beings to heart, but it's hard on me. I have no point anymore. No really. All I want is a REASON to exist...and what the hell is the point, if your job makes you miserable, that I will never be promoted in--they've even stopped training me on new programmes--and is a total dead end. I am no good for anything. I'm just a body in a seat. I have no life outside the job, and you're too sick and tired and depressed to do anything other than just try to fuction at the most basic level...what the hell is the point? Tonight, I just wish I wasn't me, any more. My life has turned into a living purgatory.

I wish this were a Frank Capra film...and someone would come and whisk me away to a different life...but, it isn't. I'm stuck here, until something even more horrible happens, and then I wind up on the street...literally, living on the street or some welfare motel, with even less reason to exist than I have now.

Tonight, I just want to bury myself under the covers and never come out again. Humanity sucks. Human beings (well, 3/4 of them) just...suck.