I'm not giving it up completely, just backing away from it. No more watching Who DVD's every day, no more writing fan-fic, or reading every little article or interview that comes out, no more books...I'll watch the DVD's from time to time, still...may watch the specials next year, may even still pop in on the forums, once in a while, and write my stupid DT captions...but not going to obsess over some TV programme any longer. Not worth feeling like this, no way.

Here's what I wrote on another blog:

"Made a fool of myself last night--and quite literally made myself sicker, over the news of Tennant's alleged regeneration.

I couldn't sleep last night, I couldn't eat this morning. I had to force myself to eat, so I could take my metformin and Atenlol, antibiotics and vitamins. Glad the health center nurse gives me my Procrit shot--my hand was trembling so bad this morning, I wouldn't want to have had to hold a needle, ha-ha.

Then I realized how utterly stupid I was being.

I've a feeling I may not be the only fan thinking of ditching the Doctor. I'm sure that the BBC's getting an earful, today.

Not good for someone suffering from depression and a chronic illness, getting upset like that--over a flippin' television programme! Blimey!

It isn't the regeration that upset me, it wasn't DT leaving that upset me, I'm fine about that. (I love Tennant as the Doctor, and would be enormously sad to see him depart, but it's his life, he can do what he wants--plus I haven't done the sex-crazed fan-girl thing in something like 30 years...he just sort of looks like any other bloke, to me--like some guy I might see in the lift at the office, or standing in the queue at the market till).

No, I was upset over the WAY this was done. It was low.

Not that Davies would give a darn, what I think. I'm nobody...I'm not even British (tho I would like to be). I can't afford to get the Sci-fi channel, or buy the books, DVD's, CD's or toys. I'm no one. So I doubt the man's going to give a rat's bottom what I think.

I highly doubt Tennant would care, either. I'm not anybody...and that's okay. that's just the way the world works. I lost every last one of my illusions about life in the last 2 years, believe me. I live, eat and breathe reality, these days.

But, I would like to tell Davies to his face, how much he hurt me. He snapped my trust in Dr Who and crushed into little pieces.

I don't like cheap shots. I don't like being made a fool of--and I REALLY felt like a fool, this morning, when I realized how upset I'd gotten last night.

He wanted to play it cute--and I understand that the man doesn't have the balls to care who he hurts. He's going to write and produce Who, the way he wants to, and if someone gets hurt or people get upset, the man's not going to care. David Tennant is his pawn and played along with it, and that puts him down a notch in my eyes, as well--again, not that either of them will give a hoot.

Anyway, after 25 years as a serious Who fan, I think it's time to step away.

Doctor Who saw me through some terrible, terrible time, these past 2 years.

Focusing on Dr Who helped me through my grief at the loss of my mum--and some of my beloved pets, it helped me through both a foreclosure and, later, an eviction. It saw me through job losses and a repossession, and huger and cold.

My love of the programme saw me through illness and pain, it saw me through virtual isolation from the outside world--no money no phone, no internet, televsion or radio and no friends in my life, for months and months,

Doctor Who even kept me--albeit, in an off-hand way, from coming painfully close to ending my life.

Yet, last night, I think was a wake-up call.

I have to deal with practical things. I HAVE to live in the real world, I can't wrap myself up in something that is not real.

And Dr Who, at the end of the day, is just a TV show.

I've decided to back off from Doctor Who. I think I need to. I've let it become too important to me.

I've decided to finish my most recent fan-fiction story, called "Dark Holiday" on wordpress, and then quit writing Dr Who-fic forever. Well, it's not like I'm all that great shakes as a writer, and it's certainly not great literature, so it's no big loss to the world, whether I write anymore or not. I just will find other things to write about. I've my "oldmaid" blog on blog.co.uk, to keep my interest in writing going, without having to crank out some naf fan-fic stories.

No, Russell T. David, David Tennant and the BBC won't care how I feel, so why should I care about Doctor Who?

I have no life anymore, and feel that this clinging to a mere televsion programme has rendered me all the more pathetic than I am right now.

I made such a moron of myself last night...still can't believe it.

The BBC. Russell T. Davies, David Tennant and all the rest of the Who team that were in on this, slapped me in the face for no reason, last night, other than for some cheap shock tactic.

I don't like bad surprises Russlell, Haven't I had enough of those, time after time after time, in the past year?

You're a calluous miserable sod, Davies. You don't care who you hurt, just so you can get your little jollies.

I'm too disgusted to continue. My joy is dead. Thanks for nothing Russel and Tennant. You stink".