As some of you know, it's been a rough two-plus years.
Essentially, my life stopped. Stopped cold. Less than five years ago, the world was, maybe not my oyster, but at least my clam, ha-ha.
After crapping out of college at 19, and going for two decades of struggling with temping, dead-end office jobs and low-wage hard labour, life on the dole, and a couple of flirtations with genuine poverty--even a month of being literally homeless, at the tender age of 39, I finally realized (albeit a bit naively) that the only one keeping me back, was me.
So, it's a long story, but yeah, I enrolled in the local 2-year college to get my associate's degree--and perhaps go on to a second school for my 4-year BA.
And, in my early 40's, everything suddenly came up roses. I was doing things I'd dreamed of, but never realized that i could actually do (not always well, mind, but i threw myself into it, anyway).
I went out of the country for the fist time, acted for the first time, got my first straight A's ever and became a Phi Theta Kappa (hounour society), won an academic award and a small scholarship, bought my first home (a caravan), my first new car...felt like I could take on the world, I did.
Then, late in 2005, for various reasons--most of them not anything I had much, if any, control over-- it all unraveled. And, eventually, little by little, over the last couple of years, I lost just about everything--including most of my immediate family. There was nothing left, except for three of my seven cats, and about a quarter of my possessions.
By the autumn of 'o6, I was totally alone and overwhelmed and ready to just throw in the towel. Then, I found that I did have friends--lovely friends, who've stayed by me through the horrors and the brief bouts of good news, and the few blessed times when nothing bad was happening/about to happen.
Never met these friends, perhaps never will. But, they keep me honest, they give me an obligation, I suppose to return the favour by not giving up--which sometimes I so desperately want to do. Sometimes, the pain, the hardship, dealing with that on your own, can get so bad, you just want it to stop, to go away and give you some peace.
It's hard to care about yourself, when you no longer have anyone there in your life, whom cares about you. So, these friends who've come into my life in the last year and a half or so, have made a difference for me, let me tell you.
Still, last year I reached the point where I could no longer be in denial: I'd lost more than family, pets and possessions. I'd lost my confidence, my faith, my hope and my dreams. My beliefs were shattered to their very foundations. I'd forever lost my ties to the past, and my chances for a better future. I'd landed in the life I'd tried 30 years to avoid...and I was stuck there, forever.
My life came to a shattering halt, and the more it got harder to supprort myself on the most minimal level, to keep the barest of human basics (needs), the more I questioned whether my life was worth anything, the smaller I felt myself shrinking, down and down, until I felt somedays, like I was becoming totally invisible.
So, my unstable life halted yes, but now that I've a small measure of stability back, I can see that I need to move forward--not into a better future, I really have given up on that...I've given up the notion that I will lead a "normal" life.
No, I am moving forward in baby steps--just trying to take care of myself, a little bit at a time, maybe address some health and other issues, over the course of the next year, that have long been neglected.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to put my life back together. That remains to be seen, but...I'm finally in a place where I can start...sort of.
