Hi,

Sorry I've been out of touch. I've had a day off, and, quite frankly, haven't felt much like doing anything, I'm just that down and out, right now.

So, here's where I stand:

I am being jerked around my by government, over money they said I would be and should be getting. I can't pay my rent, I can't pay my utilities and have had a shut-off notice, I've been told I'm on the cusp of being fired from my job, I'm getting threats from my student lenders and the hospital, over bills I cannnot ever hope to re-pay. I live in a prison--my apartment--with no access to the outside world: no phone, no internet, no television, radio or newspapers. If I want to know what the weather is, I have to physically open a window. If I want to know the local news, I either have to listen to gossip on the street/office, or sneak a peak at the headlines on the stack of papers for sale at the grocers.

I am just being hounded from all sides. I am sick, I am tired, and I am severely depressed.

There is no help for me. Everywhere I go, I'm treated like rubbish, or I'm pushed around from department to department, or I'm outright lied to (told one thing one time, and then told something entirely different the next.)

I'm making one last ditch effort Monday after work...but if that doesn't happen...I quit. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just done.

I bless my friends--none of you I've ever met, but you are all lovely people, and I cherish knowing you. But, I just can't go on with this. This is literally torture to me. It is simply inhumane to expect me to endure all these up and downs, month after month, year after year. It's just not right.

Nothing in this life is just, that I know. Good things are fleeting, and bad things linger forever. This I know, as well.

Through the long months, Dr Who has helped sustain me, but I am not even enjoying that, anymore. I am just....I don't know. Dr Who just seems so unattainable to me, now. I can't keep up with the show, or talk about it with anyone, or publish my fan fiction.

On top of that, the flu has affected my heart, and there's literally nothing I can do, as I don't have medical insurance, and even if I did, I'm not inclined to care, quite frankly.

Sorry, not a cheery blog entry. I just have totally lost it, this time. I just plain am too worn down to care. I hate sounding like a whiner, and am not someone who likes to quit, but I just don't have the will, anymore. It seems totally pointless. I can't support myself. I'm lost, and there's just no avoiding the end, anymore. Maybe I was born for this, I don't know.

I've not always had a bad life--in fact, at times, I've been blessed to have done some wonderful things, and been to some wonderful places. But, my life as I knew it in the past is over. Permanantly. I can't be in denial over it. There are no superheroes or miracles. There's just me, and me isn't making it. Sorry, but that's where I stand, as of today.