I'm not joking. Right now, if my faulty heart stopped, I would consider it a blessing. I'm not being melodramtic, I honestly mean this.

I'm on the phone, even as I'm typing this, with Social Security--my benefits are STILL suspended! Even tho' they swore everything was okay--TWICE.

I wish the American government would give itself an enema, because it's just so full of poo.

AMERICA SUCKS.

I hate it here, I really do.

Here I am, sick, struggling to survive, and some snarky woman I called (doing my job) today, tore my head off for accidentally mis-pronouncing her husband's name (actually, I didn't, but my sore throat/congestion made it sound like that--but even that explaination didn't soothe her ruffled feathers, she just kept on snarking away at me, miseralbe woman).

It is really, really, really pathetic, I think, that there's women and men out there, whose life is so meaningless, that they get seriously upset by someone mis-pronouncing their names. That's just...sad. There's people out there with REAL problems: homelessness, sickness, unemployment, etc... and all these sad, sad people can find to whigne about, it that. Disgusting.

Anyway, my disability payments are still suspended and everything is all snarled up, and I won't find out what the heck is going on, until tomorrow, because their stinking computers are down!

Also, Because I couldn't make my full utilities (gas/electric) payment, on time--the first time in well over a year---they (National->:XX Grid) are cutting off my service. Didn't take the greedy little creeps long, didn't it?

I can't pay my March rent--and if my SSD doesn't come, I WILL be evicted, because there's no going back now. And I WILL be homeless--as in literally living on the street.

My SSI check from the government--possibly two cheques--one in December as well as the March one, I'm told NOW for the first time, I may have to re-pay.

>:XX >:XX >:XX >:XX :crazy: :## :??: :**: >:( :'( :no:

I don't think I should write anymore. I'm too depressed (and still sick, on top of that.)

I miss having someone in my life. If not to help, at least to let me cry on their shoulder. Well, don't even have that luxury, any more.

If I were ten years younger, I'd just put the cats to sleep and pack it in, I swear...just go...disappear. Vanish utterly. What the hell am I here for?

I'm too depressed. Not even Doctor Who can cheer me.

What the heck is the point of it all? Someone tell me, because I've lost the thread. I don't have any idea what the hell I'm even here for. I useless. I'm not going to anymore doctor's. I'm just going to let whatever happens, happens. Just get it over with, to heck with it. It's not like I'm contributing anything to society, it's not like anyone actually needs me, or wants me around. To heck with it.

Each day, I open my mail box, half dreading what more bad news I'll find there, and half-hoping that it'll be good news, for a change. But hope is lost, Faith is just a word, it means nothing, when life has turned to garbage.