I came home last night, quite upset--you see, social security cheques are NEVER late. I've had one late disability check in the past 12 years, and only the one. I will say this, they don't have a clue, when it comes to what's going on with your benefits, but when a check is due to arrive, arrive it does. My late mum never had a check arrive late at all, and she got them for almost 20 years.

Yes, people do steal social security cheques here. I'm afraid it can be all too easy to cash a cheque that doesn't belong to you, where I live. It's harder than it used to be, but still, some grocery store personell (you can cash social security checks at some grocers, over here) don't pay much attention.

So, I came home after my unsuccessful attempt to contact the local govt. office. Then, I hitched a ride with a neighbour, and went to a local bar/restaurant--something I've not done in nearly 6 months. There's only 2 bars that I'd ever go to here--our bars are rather boring, plebian places in these parts, unless you like sports, drunks and rednecks, that is. I prefer a place where I can just sit and have a quiet drink--Usually juice, Coca-Cola or ginerale, as I don't like the taste of alcoholic drinks. Anyway, I found myself at the Talk of the Town Tavern, (my other favourite watering hole, is the local Mexican resturant/cowboy theme bar). This tavern was popular with my mum, and it's one of those little family-run Italian resturants--best pizza in Glens Falls, by the way, if anyone is from my area.

So, short of it is, that I sat there, sipping Coke, nibbling on pretzels, listening to the conversation around me (and the lady next to me at the bar, noisly scarfing her sandwich), watching the local news on the big screen television and---most importantly, trying desperately to calm down. It worked--until about 10pm, when I went to bed, and began crying again, for three hours, worried out of my mind.

I didn't stay longer than 20 minutes. One, I couldn't afford another soda pop, and two, my neighbour came back from his errend, and I wanted to catch a ride home with him, rather than do the long walk home with this cold (which is in stage 2, by the way, the sneezes and sniffles stage--at this rate, I should be better by next week--I hope.)

Well, after spending most of the night crying in bed--got all of 4 hours sleep, maybe. I got myself together and went to the Social Security office.

Okaaay. After a one hour wait to see someone, I spent 2 hours with a brusque, snobby man (well, most of them are--the fact that the US government thinks that professionism in its employees, doesn't include being friendly and helpful, is testiment to the Bush Administration).

So, here's the thing. I got a letter saying that I was due a check on the 3rd. Their computer says that my benefits are still suspended--but, it also says that they sent the letter about me getting benefits!!! 88|:**:

So, after I humbled myself by giving a sob story--which was rather snarkly and sarcastically received--I finally wrangled a 771 dollar emergency check from them. But...the man told me--totally contrary to what the woman told me in January--that I shouldn't have even gotten an SSI check (the 66.50 check that I got on Friday, and already spent $20 dollars of), and that I will have to, eventually, pay it back. Also, when I will get the April 2007 payment that's due me, is pretty much up in the air. But, he assured me, that I will get my March payment of 771 dollars, on April 3rd. At this rate, I'm still going to be in the hole, financially, until that April payment comes. Dang.

But, the February rent is paid, thankfully. I got the money orders today, and it goes in the post tomorrow. But, I'm still living on the edge, without that April payment coming--you see, if I get 2 months behind, that's automatically grounds for eviction...it's in my lease. And, what I'm making on the job, is barely paying my food and electric/gas bill, at the moment. There's some left, but, instead of saving 200 dollars a week towards the rent, like I was before, when I was earning 250-280 dollars (halve that for conversion to pounds), now, working half my usual hours, I can only manage, at best, to save 40 to 100 dollars--and sometimes, only $20 dollars, if I have an especially short pay check...which won't pay the rent, no matter how much I want to.

It's very difficult coping. But, my hands are tied without proper funds. I don't know what to make of my life. It's very depressing and discouraging, and quite frankly, after the last two horrible years, it won't take much more to send me over the edge. Honestly, the last 24 hours, have been literal torture. I don't need to worry about hell in the afterlife, sometimes my life feeling like a living hell--only without the lake of fire.

I know it can be impossible for anyone who's not been there to understand, but my existence is very fragile. Very. I really am, always worried about what else is going to happen. Always terrified of losing those last few things that still define who I am, as a person, of losing my pets, my only physical comfort and companionship.

By the way, little Flame, my ginger cat, stayed by me all night. She licked my face, and mewed and snuggled up against me. She kept staring at me with a very human look of deep concern, in her eyes. The boys stayed close to me, as well. Flame didn't even want to play, last night. She just curled up beside me and tried her best to comfort me. How could I not love her, for that?

So, while February is paid, the manner and attitude and information I got from the government man, has left me very unsettled and somewhat fearful, still.

If there's nothing else I've learned these past two years, is that you really can't count on anything in this life--except, your friends. Thank you all, for you care and concerns. I am genuinely touched by your continuing kindness.