I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

"Come on, you slimy alien, the BBC Caf needs you to tenderize it's meat."

Hi,

Just got off work.

My job as a telemarketer can be boring, it can be frustrating, it can be depressing and also make you feel like dirt. It can also be rewarding, sometimes, and, it can even be funny.

Just the names can be a source for a chuckle. For instance, in the past few weeks I've rung up two men, one named Mr. Braah, and one named Mr. Nipple. Oh, and a Mrs. Shite...I kid you not.

Today, I rang up someone in the deep South--the very deep South..and was told that she was busy home-schooling her grandkids.

I"m sorry, but in my mind, I heard the following conversation:

"Now chilll-dren, the LORD created the Earth in 7 days, and, he created us. His representitives on Earth are Jesus and George W. Bush. And that's all you'all need to know. Now go and eat your grits."

Well, I just used up most of my break, deleting spam in Hebrew or whatever, trying to sell awnings. Mind you, I can't afford to pay my rent, or utility bill, the doctor, the student lenders, etc. I can't even afford curtains, but some stupid schmuck is trying to post adverts for awnings on MY blog...what a maroon.

Anyway, freezing rain and ice pellets, this Monday. But, hey, that's the Adirondacks for you, ey?

Well, I may or may not have heat, gas and electricty on April 4th, and I may or may not have my government check (so I can pay March's rent) on April 3rd. We'll see. Fun week in store for me.

I finished my mini-marathon of fan fiction writing, last night. 7 Chapters of Doctor Who. Hoo-ray. And, I read a used Kathy Reich book that I got a few weeks ago, over the weekend, and, got my flu-cough back...the gift that keeps on giving, ha-ha.

I'm sooo-jealous of my UK friends...Doctor Who premeres on Saturday. How cool is that? Well, not for me. It's going to be shown here on the 18th, but I don't have cable tv--can't even get local stations with my antenna...so, I'll just keep writing Dr Who stories, watch the old DVD's. Watched Impossible Planet, last night. Fantastic story.

Anyway, got woken up at half past one in the morning, but the drunken teens upstairs...they were literally stomping on the floor up there--think they were either dancing or they have roaches....who knows?

Flame woke me at half-past 6 this morning, licking my face.

Well, break's over have a good day, all. Cheers, Nancy G.

Actor and major fan-boy David Tennant, was so taken with Kylie, that he secretly glued her to himself.

I think things are starting to get to me, mentally.

I don't think, after all the continual troubles, these past couple of years, that I'll ever be the same again. But, lately, I am starting to feel just a teensy bit paranoid.

On Wednesday night, I had a passel of vivid dreams--mostly good dreams, I suppose. I dreamed that my mum was stll alive, and had come to visit me--don't remember the details, other than it seemed a long dream. Then, I dreamed I owned a horse--even can remember what it looked like.

No big deal, right? Good dreams are nice. However, I still woke mildly disturbed, after the dream of my mum. It sounds weird, but inside, it almost felt like she really was visiting me (in my dream). I can't explain the sensation, other than to say that it left me somewhat puzzled, for no reason I could fathom.

Then, last night--virtually all night--I had equally vivid nightmares. This time I woke at 5am, in a cold sweat, and was so frightened and upset, that I couldn't get back to sleep. I have these particular dreams--a tornado, if you must know, every once in a while. They began shortly before my parent's messy divorce, back when I was in my early 20's. I am NOT making this up, okay? I've had these dreams for over 20 years, and every single time, the tornado dreams seem to foreshadow some sort of disaster: either finacial, physical or emotional. It has never failed...of course, I'm often on the brink of heartache and ruin, so maybe it's just me.

But, now I'm sweating, mentally looking over my shoulder, wondering when the life's monsters will come for me again.

Some people dream of being famous. Some dream of winning the lottery. Some dream of a career they enjoy, or a home and family, or, I suppose, of love. Me, I just want to be flippin' NORMAL, okay? I just want to spend the rest of my life, not tossing and turning, not crying from fear and depression, not looking over my stinking shoulder, all of the time, worrying over what the hell else is going to happen to me.

Yeah, good luck with that, ey?

Well, it's Friday. Spent most of the day, just trying to get to Aldi's. I hailed a cab, waiting 25 minutes for it. Okay, not too bad, I suppose. Then, I got driven around hither and yon, for over 30 minutes, while the cabbie picked up and dropped off other fares. Then, I FINALLY get to my first stop (I needed to cash my pay check before shopping), and the cab company has the nerve to try and charge me an extra dollar, because I went TWO MINUTES over the 5 minute "free" wait time. The creeps.

I've not shopped at Aldi's since before mum died, in '05. Wow, their prices went way up--but it still was cheaper than Price Chopper, Wal-Marts, K-Marts and Hannaford supermarkets. The only other grocery store cheaper, in this area, is Price-Rite, which is cut rate--but the quality of the food is usually rather poor, so you basically get what you pay for...maybe

So, needed something to occupy me, this weekend, so I started a new Dr Who story. Decided to try writing a whole story, start to finish, over the course of one weekend. Figured if I could do 100 stories in 100 days, I could do this...we'll see. No more month and a half 65+ page Dr Who stories, I think. That got a bit tedious, at times...but, it kept me busy.

It snowed here, today. Six inches of heavy, wet snow. The calendar may say "Spring," but it's very much still winter, here.

I'm a bit tired...something's going on with my health, but it will be a bit longer until I can see a doctor. Doubt if it's serious. Think I simply have some kind of internal infection. My immune system is toast, these days, it seems. Well, went over 40 years without a serious illness, so I can't complain, can I?

We were offered--finally, health insurance here at work--unfortunately, you have to work 28 hours or more, to get it, and, due to my health, I'm no longer doing my 39 1/2 hours a week (that's the max number of hours considered part-time employment, here in the US). So, I'm back to searching for affordable health insurance...ha! good luck nancy. But, even if I were eligible, it's over 100 dollars per month, even with employer contributions, that's taken from your check each week--and then, you STILL have to pay up to half the doctor's fee.

Well, I've some folks to write. Hope you all have a good weekend. Take care, my friends, and thanks for putting up with me, for all these months. Cheers, Nancy.

Gosh, my spelling is horrible, since I left college. Think the combination of telemarketing and never leaving Glens Falls for the last 14 months, is turning my mind into puree of bat guano.

It's amazing how balistic some Americans get, when you dial a wrong number...I grew up here, my mum's family's been here since Jamestown Settlement, and I'm telling you: Americans scare me to death, sometimes.

Had one guy answer the phone, and rapidly rattle off, in a weird, mechanical voice: "Wrong number-hello-hello-hello-hello-goodbye." In the time this weirdo took to be so freaky, we could have finished our call and gone our seperate ways. Now he has to be called back, because I have no idea if I actually had a wrong number, because idiot-boy never actually said WHO he was (nor did I ever get to say who I was, either). This wasn't a teenager, by the way. That's what makes that call so scary--it was a grown man.

Another women practically tore my head off, just for dialing a wrong number. I mean, the way she was moaning and yelling and carrying on, you'd think I was telling her that I was going to rob her of everything she owns, rather than just dial a wrong number! Yesh!!!

Well, I finally finished my latest Dr Who story, Sunday night....after a month and a half of writing it. All of sixteen chapters and some 65+ pages of it. Until I get my internet back, no one's ever going to read it. Now what do I do? I am back to re-reading books and playing euchre and cribbage on the computer, i guess. Too cold these days, to go for any sort of a walk--it's still brown and white and gray here...nothing much to see. Tho' I did glimpse a turkey buzzard, circling in the sky, outside the office windows, today.

It's partly sunny today, and supposed to be about ten or fifteen degrees above freezing, tho' I hear we're slated for yet another snow storm. Ah well, that's life in the Adirondacks, I guess.

Have to go home, try to contact my social worker, to see if I can find a way to keep my heat/electricity/gas on. (big, tired, sigh.)

Flame was a happy little thing, yesterday. She had the equivilent of the cat giggles. Was literally bouncing off the walls, chattering, and racing around the (Owch.) She likes it when I'm home. But, missing work is a drag, as I have to make up the hours. Now I have to work Friday, normally my day off. Ah well.

I went to the pharmacy in the local mall (the one with the moose and the wild ducks running around the car park, at times), and had to wait 45 minutes for my prescription--which cost nearly $50. Anyway, I wandered around, stopped in the record store. I'd heard a lot about this Kylie, since Dr Who, thought I'd see what her CD's were like. Yeah, not in Glens Falls! The clerk had never heard of her, either, and there were no Kylie Minogue CD's to be had. Well, not surprising, they didn't have Kaiser Cheifs, Proclamers, or the La's, either. They did have one Snow Patrol CD, though, but it was $15 dollars, and that was way too much for my pretty much non-existent budget. If British and Aussie celebs are ever looking for a place where they can schlep about unrecognized, it's definately Glens Falls! I'm serious! Former President Clinton came to town, last year, and hardly anyone even noticed.

I got a bus to the mall, but missed the bus back, had to take a cab home, so that was another $6 bucks out of my pocket. My net worth, after yesterday, is now $7.82

Well, must dash. It's well past lunch time and I'm famished. Hope you all had a lovely Easter weekend. Cheers, Nancy G.

Not content to have a Doctorless epidsode, Dr Who producers at BBC Wales, have in store a new surprise: Next series the Tardis will be taken over by the Doctor's evil twin, "Squinty." Squinty will also be played by Tennant. The character will be a cross between a Chicago gangster and a yob from Glasgow. Here we see an exclusive pic of David Tennant in the character of "Squinty."

"Hey look at me! I have hair just like Nancy G!" (playwrite27)

Good evening, all.

It's Saturday, I'm off work. Just activated my new phone (thank you, you-know-who). It's a lovely sunny--if very cold--day, for a change. It snowed Thursday, and is slated to snow again in the next day or two.

I spent my day off watching Dr Who (series 1 & 2), shopping, and getting my hair lobbed off. Oh, I'll get used to it. I requested a short "pageboy" style--well...the ditzy chick that was assigned to me, apparently was too young to know what a pageboy style is, and got it wrong--I wound up with a very (as in VERY) short "boy cut" (the equivilent of a short back and sides), instead. Yikes!

My goodness, now I really do look butch--or, like a lesbian. I can handle that, I suppose. And, I'll get used to it, I know. I've never ever had my hair this short, in 47 years, and it definitely feels...different. I'm told it looks nice. Only thing is, now my cowlick on top of my head, is even more pronounced than ever, and I have David Tennant hair.

But...it is easier to car for, and dries in a hurry, so no complaints, I suppose. The K-mart had travel size hair dryers on sale, for $10, so beig that I've not had a hair dryer in 8 months (mine fell off the shelf and into the toilet, last year and I've not had the extra funds to replace it), so I took the plunge and parted with my 10 dollars.

Well, I'm off home. I have to PM some friends and give them my new phone number. Then, I'll being spending the evening whipping up a batch of Texas chili for dinner.

It's Easter tomorrow, isn't it? I don't really do holidays much, any longer. Well, with only the cats, most holdays/birthday, their just another day for me, for the most part. No ham for me, this year--well, haven't done Easter dinner in about 3 years, now. Not since mum died, at any rate. No point to it, really, is there? So, I'll be doing chores around the apartment tomorrow, watch some more Dr Who, maybe finish my fan fiction story. Easter dinner will likely be chili-cheese dogs and chips, I'm thinking.

I hope you all, who celebrate it, have a lovely Easter, surrounded by your family and friends. And, like me, if not, have a good Sunday, ey?

Take care all, Nancy G.

Hello all,

I'm just off work, on a bad computer keyboard that doesn't want to space...ugh!

Well, got more paperwork from the government to fill out--and, a threatening letter from the local hospital, over the $1000 plus bill from when they INSISTED on hospitalizing me, back in January--even tho' I told them I couldn't afford it...thank God I had checked myself out after a day, instead of staying several days like they wanted me to--can you imagine the bill THAT would have been?

Well, I was told today, but a cabbie, that I'm a "square." Now, there's a term I'd not heard in a while. Truth to tell, though, I am.

He'd asked me what I like to do for fun, and well, my answer...yeah, I confess. I'm dull. Nursing home residents have more fun than I do, ha-ha.

I went to the thrift store today, bought a used pair of ladies jeans, and a blouse for work, for a sum total of around $7. I just broke the zipper on one pair of jeans, and ripped the seat of another--some young people may think it cool to go 'round showing off their pants through their jeans, but..not me. I don't have loads of posh attire, so I thought a new blouse might jazz up a pair of slacks that I have--sort of make it into a new-ish outfit for the office.

Let's face it: I'm an old tomboy/treehugger/cowgirl/country girl/trancendentalist. In other words, I tend to dress, even in my late middle age, very butch. Well, not all that much, maybe, for Glens Falls or the Adirondacks/Vermont--but very butch for, say, Albany or New York City, or London, I suppose. I'm a jeans & flannel shirt/cowboy/shirt/tee shirt sort of person. Which is why no man ever looks at me--well, aside from the fact that I look like my babushka grannie, ha-ha.

I'm going for a haircut, tomorrow--first one in 9 months. I'm thinking layered shag/pageboy/with a trim around the ears. There's a Bo-Rick's--a cheap hair salon chain-- at the local K-Mart, so I thought I'd pop 'round there, in the late afternoon, and start looking less like a Shetland Pony, and more like a person.

Well, I seemed to have stirred something up with my last post, in regards to Dr Who.

I am a person who literally watching Dr Who nearly every day--when I'm not debilitated by my depression--sometimes I even watch it several times a day. So, it's not likely that I'd spend too much time critizeing something that I adore, ey?

I wasn't so much finding fault--tho' I can see where it might've sounded like that--as just expressing my observations and opinions. Truth is, the old series, was just as "British" as the new one--it just didn't stuff the dialog with so many specific cultural references, as it does, now. I DO NOT have a problem with that--in fact, I love learning more about the UK...who knows? Maybe someday I will get the pleasure of visiting or, even living there (in my dreams, ha-ha).

As to understanding what the actors are saying--I do have a problem with that--it's frustrating. It's not something I EVER had a problem with, with the old series...and my hearing is the same now, as it was then.

As to ginger beer...it's not sold here. Ginger ale, does taste gingery. But the difference is vast, yes. Ginger ale is soda pop, and very light and fizzy--and if made well, "dry." Americans are very big on soda pop---I grew up drinking Pepsi--the bottling plant was in our village, for years. (although, in my old age, I prefer Coke). And, we yanks drink our fizzy drinks often with ice, and always cold--soda, water and milk--the colder the better. Just a bit of cultural trivia, for you.

Well, I had to do some math today, in public, and got put down for my difficulty.

I've learned to work with my brain injury (resulting in dyspraxia and dyscalculia and bi-polar disorder), that's the one no one bothered to tell me I had, for some 35 years, until 2002. Still, it's incredibly frustrating. You've no idea.

The worst thing for me, is, the constant battle to learn and to remember. Oh, once I have the stuff down pat, have the confidence...heck, I can take on the world....without the confidence though...oh, I get so flustered and uptight and...ashamed. Very ashamed.

But, there's some things that' I'm incapable of learning...and also, it makes me sad, because it's such a big world out there...there's so much to learn and experience and see...and, the learning disability, is like a prison, that keeps so much of it, totally beyond my reach--I can see it, but, I can't (mentally) touch it. Makes me very sad, sometimes...and, lonely. Very lonely.

Most people don't get what it's like--not here, anyway. I'm afraid that any sort of mental or learning disability is taboo, in this part of the world. Even my own relatives...well, I won't go there. It's not important, any longer, when they thought/think about me...most of them are dead, anyway.

Well, I'm getting a bit maudlin, aren't I? None of that...have had too much of that, of late. Well, it's off home for me, to my leftover stew and my cats...and maybe, yeah, some Dr Who.

My neighbour across the hall, who lives in a tiny studio apartment, just had more relatives move in with him...they got evicted because of some sort of criminal activity. Grrreat. Noisy bunch, but they seem nice enough. (Why do the hillbillies all think that they have to shout constantly, to be understood?) But, the woman brought her black cat--a lovely little cat, mind....but, she keeps it in the hall, and it keeps coming into my apartment, every flipping time I open the door---which is thrilling my cats, as you can guess.

Today, I had a cab waiting, to take me to the laundromat--the meter running---and the blinking cat bolted inside, while I was wrestling my laundry bad through the door...and I spent the next 10 minutes, saying less-than-ladylike things, chasing the cat around my apartment, while trying to prevent a massive cat fight.

Anyway, I'm off until Saturday. Hope you all have a nice weekend, and a happy Easter. Cheers, Nancy.

It's a dreary Wednesday here, cold, raw, and rainy/snowy. We're supposed to get violent weather, in some parts of the region, tonight--thunderstorms, I reckon. I'm still at the point where I can only find out what the wheather is, by sticking my head out the living room window, ha-ha, so I've no idea what's in store, tonight.

Got the flu back, darn it. I've talked to others who've had it, and general agreement is that this blasted thing is very tenacious...goes away, comes back, etc.

Got accused at work today, of being sarcastic--when that was the furthest thing on my mind. I'm tired and sick, and cranky from lack of sleep and minor constant pain (couldn't sleep, and was up 'till 3am), yes, but, I definitely was not mad or anything---must be giving off bad vibes???? Maybe they're just hunting an excuse to fire me, I dunno'. I don't really care, truth to tell.

Well, I watched Dr Who, last night, a Series 1 video. Have been so hooked on Tennant's Doctor, that I've been neglecting Eccleston's--it was rather good, and I'd forgotten.

I hear a lot of grumbling--some of it quite rude, about Catherine Tate, online, sometimes. But, I'm thrilled with her. Finally! A companion I can truly relate to!

Don't get me wrong. Billie Piper was really terrific in her portrayal of Rose, played her perfectly, and I couldn't ever fault a single one of her performances. And, certainly Ms. Agyeman was splendid as well. Thing is, I really couldn't relate at all--on a personal level, with Rose. It's not that I didn't like her character, it's just that "Rose" wasn't like anyone I'd ever have hung out with. Oh, that sounds terrible. I don't mean that I wouldn't have anything to do with a Rose-type person, honest. I just have never been around that many young people, and hardly anyone tht was similar to her character.

Same with Freema--tho', in college, I knew young people similar to Freema, and certainly mingled with them in both classroom and social settings, but, that's all. Now, Donna's character--heck, we have Donna's in the office here. Donna's character is someone that I can readily grasp. Rose seemed a bit immature and uptight (to be fair, her character had many good qualities, also), Freema--I don't know. I thought her character was really interesting...but, too mushy, with the romance stuff. Freema was flawless as Martha, but, while Martha was exciting and a good companion...again, too young for me. Even when I was a teen, I probalby knew more elderly people than folks my own age, so I just don't relate to young and hip, very well, I suppose.

But, I don't have the handicap of knowing Catherine Tate from previous stuff. I've only seen a couple of her Lauren bits, and maybe that's why I don't have this problem with her taking over a companion role, as I'm not blinded by her previous performances---it was the same with that Kylie woman, in Voyage of the Damned. I'd honestly never-ever heard of Kylie (had never heard of Billie Piper before DW, either, for that matter), until Dr. Who came along--never heard of her music, ever. (I have since, heard a few of her songs, and I agree that she's quite good, isn't she?) So, I watched the Christmas eppy, with the naiveity of someone who didn't know the performer, so it didn't skew my perception of her character. It didn't interfere with my suspension of disbelief at all.

And, what is it about the new series and language? I don't mean the mild swearing. I mean the actual language. Sometimes I just plain cannot understand some of the words David Tennant is saying---did they not teach drama students to speak clearly in that school of his, in Scotland? I never had this problem with the "Classic" series. Well, to be fair, I can't always understand the other actor's as well. Maybe BBC Wales should consider investing in new sound equipment? All I know is, that I never had this problem with Perwee, Tom Baker or Peter Davidson. Yup. The New Doctor Who has the mumbles, it seems.

And, I've noticed there's a lot more narrow cultural references, in the New Series. Well, I am learning more about Great Britain. Since the new series, I've had to either ask British friends, or look up on the internet, various strictly British references: W.H. Smith, ASBO's, Chav, Tesco's, etc. Again, never ever had to do that, with the "Classic" series--it was very easy to understand...except for the ginger beer reference. I had to figure out what that was--found out it's a bad version of our American ginger ale. Bleh! Worse than Moxie soda.

Well, on to other things.

My hair looks awful--I have to cut it myself, with a pair of rather dull kitchen shears, and I really, really butchered it, this time. I can handle being thought of as butch, I suppose, but..not my hair, know what I mean?

So, the cleaning lady has been at me to get a hair cut--but I kept telling her that it was financially out of the question--not just the $20 for the cut, there's no cheap hair salons or barber shops on a busline here, so I'd have to do a cab--another 10 to 12 dollars added on to that!

So, I'm sitting at my work station, on the phone, and she comes up behind me and drops a $20 dollar bill in front of my. "For your hair," she smiles, "happy Easter." Whoa. I wish she hadn't of done that. I mean, it was a lovely, kind and totally unexpected gesture, but...a bit embarrassing. I don't know if that makes sense...but, yeah. How low have I sunk that the cleaning lady has to donate money for my hair cut? Part of me is genuinely touched by the gesture, and part of me is deeply ashamed. I will pay her back, though. As soon as I can. I will go tomorrow and get it cut. It has been a bit of a thorn in my side, I will admit, so best to bite the bullet, I suppose. She refuses to take it back, and seemed hurt that I tried, so I guess I have to take it. I thanked her profusely, of course--and meant it. I would never be that churlish.

Well, I'm off home. Pork stew tonight. I didn't eat much, last week and a half, when I was deep into the flu, so I had a lot of meat still in the freezer, and that included some pork loin tips, which I'll cut up for stew meat. I got a package of stew veggies from the store, Friday--3 carrots, 2 small turnips, leek and dill. I'll also toss in some rutabaga (swede), onions and some potatoes. Then, add the water, and the tomato soup, worcestershire sauce and a dash of curry to flavour the gravy. I'll be eating stew for a few days--and soup, thereafter. Yum!

Time to go home. My spirits are marginally better, today, as perhaps you may be able to tell. Have a good night, everyone. Cheers. Nancy.

Hi all,

Still here, never fear.

Well, Social Security..what can I say? I'm still in their computer as suspended, but, on paper I'm not. So, supposedly, I'll be issued with "emergency" checks, until the US Government's computers catch up to reality--which should be in a few decades, knowing them.

Okay, on to the National Grid bill. NY social services says they can indeed help me, but...I have to wait until I get a final notice. She agrees that National Grid are basta*rds, when it comes to loving to cut human beings off from life-giving heat (it's still winter here). I've NEVER been late with a payment for over a year. I'm 2 DAYS late, and wham! They cut me. "National Grid is a corporate terrorist", someone in the office said, one day. Now I belive it. Anyway, that's on hold for a bit.

And, I just got a notice that I must re-pay the $66.50 that I owe Social Security--they are famous for issuing checks, and then telling people weeks or months after the money has been spent, that the person wasn't actually entitled to it (even tho' the govt. initially said the person WAS entitled), and they expect IMMEDIATE repayment. Lovely. My net worth at the mo', is exactly 121.34. Guess I'll be doing my laundry in the kitchen sink, this week.

I'm still sick, and very tired and wrung out--but managing okay. Actually, I probably should be in hospital, but no way am I going to do that. Not on your life. I'm in enough financial hot water--and besides, who would look after my cats? No one, that's who. Was getting a bit hoarse on the phone today, but, I'm a horsey person, so that's okay I guess, ha-ha.

I'm not in a good mood, still very depressed. But...I'm trying. Sorry, that's the best I can say.

A friend sent me a couple of movies on DVD, and that helped to cheer me up, last night. (thank you).

Well, I suppose I should write notes to my friends, and then schlep on home to lunch.

Outside, the sky is gray, the grass is brown, the snow is white and the wind is raw. March in Glens Falls. Yee-haw.

Hi,

Sorry I've been out of touch. I've had a day off, and, quite frankly, haven't felt much like doing anything, I'm just that down and out, right now.

So, here's where I stand:

I am being jerked around my by government, over money they said I would be and should be getting. I can't pay my rent, I can't pay my utilities and have had a shut-off notice, I've been told I'm on the cusp of being fired from my job, I'm getting threats from my student lenders and the hospital, over bills I cannnot ever hope to re-pay. I live in a prison--my apartment--with no access to the outside world: no phone, no internet, no television, radio or newspapers. If I want to know what the weather is, I have to physically open a window. If I want to know the local news, I either have to listen to gossip on the street/office, or sneak a peak at the headlines on the stack of papers for sale at the grocers.

I am just being hounded from all sides. I am sick, I am tired, and I am severely depressed.

There is no help for me. Everywhere I go, I'm treated like rubbish, or I'm pushed around from department to department, or I'm outright lied to (told one thing one time, and then told something entirely different the next.)

I'm making one last ditch effort Monday after work...but if that doesn't happen...I quit. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just done.

I bless my friends--none of you I've ever met, but you are all lovely people, and I cherish knowing you. But, I just can't go on with this. This is literally torture to me. It is simply inhumane to expect me to endure all these up and downs, month after month, year after year. It's just not right.

Nothing in this life is just, that I know. Good things are fleeting, and bad things linger forever. This I know, as well.

Through the long months, Dr Who has helped sustain me, but I am not even enjoying that, anymore. I am just....I don't know. Dr Who just seems so unattainable to me, now. I can't keep up with the show, or talk about it with anyone, or publish my fan fiction.

On top of that, the flu has affected my heart, and there's literally nothing I can do, as I don't have medical insurance, and even if I did, I'm not inclined to care, quite frankly.

Sorry, not a cheery blog entry. I just have totally lost it, this time. I just plain am too worn down to care. I hate sounding like a whiner, and am not someone who likes to quit, but I just don't have the will, anymore. It seems totally pointless. I can't support myself. I'm lost, and there's just no avoiding the end, anymore. Maybe I was born for this, I don't know.

I've not always had a bad life--in fact, at times, I've been blessed to have done some wonderful things, and been to some wonderful places. But, my life as I knew it in the past is over. Permanantly. I can't be in denial over it. There are no superheroes or miracles. There's just me, and me isn't making it. Sorry, but that's where I stand, as of today.

I'm not joking. Right now, if my faulty heart stopped, I would consider it a blessing. I'm not being melodramtic, I honestly mean this.

I'm on the phone, even as I'm typing this, with Social Security--my benefits are STILL suspended! Even tho' they swore everything was okay--TWICE.

I wish the American government would give itself an enema, because it's just so full of poo.

AMERICA SUCKS.

I hate it here, I really do.

Here I am, sick, struggling to survive, and some snarky woman I called (doing my job) today, tore my head off for accidentally mis-pronouncing her husband's name (actually, I didn't, but my sore throat/congestion made it sound like that--but even that explaination didn't soothe her ruffled feathers, she just kept on snarking away at me, miseralbe woman).

It is really, really, really pathetic, I think, that there's women and men out there, whose life is so meaningless, that they get seriously upset by someone mis-pronouncing their names. That's just...sad. There's people out there with REAL problems: homelessness, sickness, unemployment, etc... and all these sad, sad people can find to whigne about, it that. Disgusting.

Anyway, my disability payments are still suspended and everything is all snarled up, and I won't find out what the heck is going on, until tomorrow, because their stinking computers are down!

Also, Because I couldn't make my full utilities (gas/electric) payment, on time--the first time in well over a year---they (National- Grid) are cutting off my service. Didn't take the greedy little creeps long, didn't it?

I can't pay my March rent--and if my SSD doesn't come, I WILL be evicted, because there's no going back now. And I WILL be homeless--as in literally living on the street.

My SSI check from the government--possibly two cheques--one in December as well as the March one, I'm told NOW for the first time, I may have to re-pay.

I don't think I should write anymore. I'm too depressed (and still sick, on top of that.)

I miss having someone in my life. If not to help, at least to let me cry on their shoulder. Well, don't even have that luxury, any more.

If I were ten years younger, I'd just put the cats to sleep and pack it in, I swear...just go...disappear. Vanish utterly. What the hell am I here for?

I'm too depressed. Not even Doctor Who can cheer me.

What the heck is the point of it all? Someone tell me, because I've lost the thread. I don't have any idea what the hell I'm even here for. I useless. I'm not going to anymore doctor's. I'm just going to let whatever happens, happens. Just get it over with, to heck with it. It's not like I'm contributing anything to society, it's not like anyone actually needs me, or wants me around. To heck with it.

Each day, I open my mail box, half dreading what more bad news I'll find there, and half-hoping that it'll be good news, for a change. But hope is lost, Faith is just a word, it means nothing, when life has turned to garbage.

Got 5 min., so here goes:

My weekend consisted of still being sick with the flu (tho' somewhat better, my voice is still taking a beating talking for hours at a stretch), I got a shut-off notice from the basta*ds at National Grid, It poured down buckets of icy rain--with a raw wind behind it, as I walked home Saturday. Spent Sunday partly in bed (trying to breathe), partly writing a Dr Who story, playing with the cats and reading a mystery paperback. Forgot about Daylight Savings Time until 1am Monday morning, had to get up and put the clocks forward an hour. The kids upstairs were having a drunken party until 2am, and, the Bassett hound across the hall decided to audition for the Lake George Opera Festival at 5am this morning. Oh, I had a really lovely weekend.

Have to go, my love to you all. Cheers, Nancy.

"Listen, Martian boy, one more rude sonic screwdriver joke, and I push you off this building, got that?"

Well, we had a nice day yesterday--which I wasn't able to enjoy all that much, as after I got off day shift, I nipped home, bolted down lunch (or tried to, as my appetite isn't all that, at the mo') and trundled off with half my week's dirty's to the laundromat. Another exciting day in Glens Falls. The one commenter on the previous post was right--nothing ever changes in Glens Falls, and nothing much ever happens, either. It's a town Erm--city, forever stuck in time, like the proverbial fly in amber.

I used to balk at the thought of a "local" reading my blog, but I'm a bit more comfy with it, now--as long as the person isn't intrusive, I suppose, which only one has been, and that was a long time ago. I still have to be cautious, of course, as I am using my employer's computer. But, over alll, of late I'm more comfortable getting personal, than I was. I suppose, if I were famous, I might not be able to write half of what I do, but, that's not ever going to happen in my life time, of course...or even after my life time, very probably.

Today started off rather sunny and springlike, despite the large amounts of snow and ice still on the ground. The girl's lacrosse team from the local high school was out running with their...whatever they call those sticks with the nets on the end of them. Considering that a few of the pavements still are covered with snow and ice, not sure that's a smart idea, but, I suppose youthful joints are much more agile and forgiving than some doddering late middle-ager's, like me.

Well, it's normally my day off, today, but I'm trying to make up hours. That will be difficult, as I'm still quite ill--not so much the cold, but my main illness, which, it seems, has been affected somewhat by my little head cold--though, I don't quite have my voice back, as yet, but I can at least make myself understood, at any rate, even if I am talking a bit like some back alley Mafioso. "If you don't pay your bill, you're gonna' wake up at the bottom of the river wearing cement boots." I'm working collections, at the moment, ha-ha.

Actually, my Doris Day approach tends to work better--especially with the tough guys. The meaner they are, the softer and sweeter my voice gets--and, it works! I make these tough-talkers soooo-- gulity by the time I ring off. Sorry, but I'm ashamed to admit I do enjoy that. Petty revenge, best served with sugar. Well, can't do the Doris Day make-you-feel-guilty-as-sin voice, so I have to just muddle through, as best I can. I may suck like a Hoover on stage, but love "playing" with my phone voice--it's fun! Too bad I can't do voice work for a living, but 1. in the US, that sort of work still depends on looks (and I look like my late Polish babuska gran and aunties). 2. American radio doesn't do much voice work, except for DJ's, and they're mostly male in my part of the world, 3. radio pays c*ap in the states--less than I make, telemarketing, and that ain't much, brothers and sisters.

Anyway, despite my bout with anemia--my blood count's way down again, I'm here. Can't pay March rent, so worry still rides my shoulder, but I'm doing my best to hang in there, and keep calm. I couldn't go to the local hospital if I wanted to, right now--they're over capacity right now, due to the massive flu epidemic that's going 'round here.

I'm up to chapter 10 on my one Dr Who story. I don't know why. It's one thing to write for an audience--but as far as I know, no one will ever read this, so sometimes I feel I'm just ticking the minutes away, in my silent apartment, as I count down to my old age. I'll never be a real writer. I still remember one comment I got, from a well-respected English prof. He said, that my (fiction) writing was "shallow, unimaginative and over simplifed." Too right, I suppose. Still, it's something to do, isn't it? To keep me screaming from the boredom.

I wish I had something to DO, though. The 100 stories thing was okay--tho' it proved to be quite taxing, at times. But, until my health and finances turn around--if ever, I'm stuck. So, it's pound the keyboard and watch Dr Who and pet the cats, and moulder away my life, until I turn to dust. Bitter? Nah-- Just...disappointed.

It's going to snow again--all weekend---when it's not pouring down freezing rain, that is. Ugh! March is such-a-draaag! The clouds are rolling in, even as I speak. The snow is still over my knees in many places. Will we ever see the spring again?

With this weather, I might as well be British, ey?

I came home last night, quite upset--you see, social security cheques are NEVER late. I've had one late disability check in the past 12 years, and only the one. I will say this, they don't have a clue, when it comes to what's going on with your benefits, but when a check is due to arrive, arrive it does. My late mum never had a check arrive late at all, and she got them for almost 20 years.

Yes, people do steal social security cheques here. I'm afraid it can be all too easy to cash a cheque that doesn't belong to you, where I live. It's harder than it used to be, but still, some grocery store personell (you can cash social security checks at some grocers, over here) don't pay much attention.

So, I came home after my unsuccessful attempt to contact the local govt. office. Then, I hitched a ride with a neighbour, and went to a local bar/restaurant--something I've not done in nearly 6 months. There's only 2 bars that I'd ever go to here--our bars are rather boring, plebian places in these parts, unless you like sports, drunks and rednecks, that is. I prefer a place where I can just sit and have a quiet drink--Usually juice, Coca-Cola or ginerale, as I don't like the taste of alcoholic drinks. Anyway, I found myself at the Talk of the Town Tavern, (my other favourite watering hole, is the local Mexican resturant/cowboy theme bar). This tavern was popular with my mum, and it's one of those little family-run Italian resturants--best pizza in Glens Falls, by the way, if anyone is from my area.

So, short of it is, that I sat there, sipping Coke, nibbling on pretzels, listening to the conversation around me (and the lady next to me at the bar, noisly scarfing her sandwich), watching the local news on the big screen television and---most importantly, trying desperately to calm down. It worked--until about 10pm, when I went to bed, and began crying again, for three hours, worried out of my mind.

I didn't stay longer than 20 minutes. One, I couldn't afford another soda pop, and two, my neighbour came back from his errend, and I wanted to catch a ride home with him, rather than do the long walk home with this cold (which is in stage 2, by the way, the sneezes and sniffles stage--at this rate, I should be better by next week--I hope.)

Well, after spending most of the night crying in bed--got all of 4 hours sleep, maybe. I got myself together and went to the Social Security office.

Okaaay. After a one hour wait to see someone, I spent 2 hours with a brusque, snobby man (well, most of them are--the fact that the US government thinks that professionism in its employees, doesn't include being friendly and helpful, is testiment to the Bush Administration).

So, here's the thing. I got a letter saying that I was due a check on the 3rd. Their computer says that my benefits are still suspended--but, it also says that they sent the letter about me getting benefits!!!

So, after I humbled myself by giving a sob story--which was rather snarkly and sarcastically received--I finally wrangled a 771 dollar emergency check from them. But...the man told me--totally contrary to what the woman told me in January--that I shouldn't have even gotten an SSI check (the 66.50 check that I got on Friday, and already spent $20 dollars of), and that I will have to, eventually, pay it back. Also, when I will get the April 2007 payment that's due me, is pretty much up in the air. But, he assured me, that I will get my March payment of 771 dollars, on April 3rd. At this rate, I'm still going to be in the hole, financially, until that April payment comes. Dang.

But, the February rent is paid, thankfully. I got the money orders today, and it goes in the post tomorrow. But, I'm still living on the edge, without that April payment coming--you see, if I get 2 months behind, that's automatically grounds for eviction...it's in my lease. And, what I'm making on the job, is barely paying my food and electric/gas bill, at the moment. There's some left, but, instead of saving 200 dollars a week towards the rent, like I was before, when I was earning 250-280 dollars (halve that for conversion to pounds), now, working half my usual hours, I can only manage, at best, to save 40 to 100 dollars--and sometimes, only $20 dollars, if I have an especially short pay check...which won't pay the rent, no matter how much I want to.

It's very difficult coping. But, my hands are tied without proper funds. I don't know what to make of my life. It's very depressing and discouraging, and quite frankly, after the last two horrible years, it won't take much more to send me over the edge. Honestly, the last 24 hours, have been literal torture. I don't need to worry about hell in the afterlife, sometimes my life feeling like a living hell--only without the lake of fire.

I know it can be impossible for anyone who's not been there to understand, but my existence is very fragile. Very. I really am, always worried about what else is going to happen. Always terrified of losing those last few things that still define who I am, as a person, of losing my pets, my only physical comfort and companionship.

By the way, little Flame, my ginger cat, stayed by me all night. She licked my face, and mewed and snuggled up against me. She kept staring at me with a very human look of deep concern, in her eyes. The boys stayed close to me, as well. Flame didn't even want to play, last night. She just curled up beside me and tried her best to comfort me. How could I not love her, for that?

So, while February is paid, the manner and attitude and information I got from the government man, has left me very unsettled and somewhat fearful, still.

If there's nothing else I've learned these past two years, is that you really can't count on anything in this life--except, your friends. Thank you all, for you care and concerns. I am genuinely touched by your continuing kindness.

Well, my friends, I'm at a emotional loss, right now.

My government check didn't arrive, as it was supposed to. It appears it may have been stolen, as the stinking postman put my mail in the open basket under my mail box, which is meant for newspapers and large packages. He left the mail there, in plain sight of my less than honest neighbours, to be lifted at the first opportunity.

I can't reach social security---they go home at 4pm, and stop answering their phones, long before that.

I...I don't know. I'm at a crossroads. If I don't pay this months and last month's rent by the 20th, I WILL be homeless.

I don't know what to do, right now. I'm shaking, I'm so scared. I sick of this! I'm so tired of having the rug pulled out from under me, all the time. I don't think I can do this, anymore. I don't know...

I can't get direct deposit, because I haven't been able to finish paying the overdraft at my other bank--and when you owe money at one bank, you cannot open an account at any other bank, anywhere. And, there's no one to open an account for me. My sister--tho' I love her--is utterly useless. The only time, mostly, that she knows I'm alive, is either when she wants something, or if she just happens to be feeling nostalgic for the family life she's shunned for the past 30 years...which happens about every 8 or 9 months, or so, of late.

My life is just one big series of little ups and big downs with lots of empty space in-between. That's me, in a nutshell.

I feel foolish admiting this, but I wish I had someone to take care of me, because right at this moment, I really don't give much of a damn about myself, any longer.

Hi,

Only have got 7 minutes---what to write?

Well, my cold has gone into my chest, my dears, and talking is still a difficult issue---fortunately, we're training on new call centre software today, so my phone time is at a minimum. I sound like I've been gargling with a combination of pepples and ground glass, though, and some of my calls are having a hard time understanding me.

Well, I simply must get a mobile or something. That was brought home last night, when I woke at 2am, so congested, I had a slightly distressing few minutes when I couldn't barely draw a breath. My next door neighbour, across the hall, had to get rid of his phone and internet service, as well (a lot of working poor in my building) so if I need an ambulance in the night, I'd have to literally go downstairs, outside, and start pounding on doors and hope someone answers--which is only 50% likely, in this part of the globle.

I spent most of Sunday resting. Wrote a few more chapters in the Doctor Who story I'm messing about with. I just had him teleporting into a small plane that was threatening the London Eye--and saving the day, of course. I'll probably never publish this, but it's giving me something to do, at any rate.

Well, 3 feet of snow on the ground here, but temps are getting somewhat more springlike, this week.

Have a great day, all. Cheers, Nancy G.

Wow! It was -19 F (-28 C) here in Glens Falls, last night...and, we're to get another 6 to 12 inches of snow, in the next 24 hours...on top of the 14 inches we just flipping got, earlier this week. Which, with the 5 or so inches that we've had on the ground since early December...will make the total of snow on the ground here, by tomorrow night to about two to three feet...or more, in the higher terrain to our north.

But...

It's suppose to become partly sunny with rain (you folks in the UK should be used to that) and 50 degrees (10 C) by the weekend!

Okaaay, then. You see, Americans are the only one's who are just a wee freaky, 'round these parts.

I made the rounds with the shopping and bill paying today, being payday--and, I got my first SSI (govt) cheque today, $66.50. I was at one grocery store--the sales were so fantastic, that I wound up spending the day, going to three different grocery stores...anyway, at one store, people were getting all upset, because there was this bunch of wild ducks--three mallards and half a dozen lady ducks---following people around the car park at the Price Chopper supercentre.

I'm told there's a swamp behind the store--but with it being nineteen below zero F, the water is totally frozen over and the poor dears are basically starving. So, they've taken to the busy car park to mooch for their supper. Which means, that every time some poor git goes to put his shopping in the trunk/boot of his car, he gets mobbed by a herd of vagrant ducks.

I watched at they actually followed some guy with his shopping trolley, and stood grouped around his feet, holding their little wings out, quacking, "our pond's frozen, help us!. Okay, maybe not quite, but, you know what I mean. Being an animal schumck erm--lover, I felt really bad for the poor wee things. But, I had no bread or food to give them, and the cab was waiting on me. Well, they should be alright, what with the temps going so wonky by the weekend---straight from artic winter to balmy spring. March is weird. Well, at least it wasn't the local moose. Getting chased by a moose--now that's scary. (trust me, I know whereof I speak).

I remember, when I lived in the tourist town up the road, Lake George, I was hanging by the lake, tourist gawking, and this small group of Japanese tourists were approached by about half a dozen wild ducks--and the tourist freaked! I mean they screamed like little girls! Whoa! Well, I suppose maybe they'd never seen a wild duck before? Me, I grew up with close encounters with snakes, rabbits and foxes, so I suppose I'm kind of blasie about it. My sister in Vermont, is even more so--she's got black bear, moose, deer, lynx and fishers regularly coming into her yard, as she borders a national forest. In fact, the bear likes to hang around the end of the drive, teasing her dogs, when they're tied out, and the fishers tend to eat her cats.

So, I have a bit of a dilema to deal with. I am getting a cheque on Monday--the big one from disability...however, I am unsure if it will be the single payment, or if they will lump that payment and the back payment together. If the one payment--which is both good and bad, then I can cash it, no probs--however, it won't cover the March rent, only the Feb. rent I've yet to pay. IF...I get my regular cheque and the back payment for last April together--I cannot cash the cheque..well, sis says to mail it to her, and she'll cash it for me. I hope she'll be able to. Of course, she may have to deposit it, first--although, I was allowed to cash mum's, when she was bedridden. Well, at least the money is coming, and I just have to have the faith that it will all work out in the end--though I'm afraid my faith has taken quite a few hits, of late.

Going to be hit miss though, for another month or two, at least. I'm not out of the woods of poverty yet, that's for sure...in fact, I think these last two plus years have scarred me for life. I think I'll always be looking over my shoulder, for the rest of my life, wondering what (bad thing) is going to happen next. It's a scary way to live, trust me on this.

Anyway, enough of the gloom and doom, ey?

Well, I've been happily hacking away at one of my Dr who fan fic stories, and watching various series 3 DVD's, and yes, Voyage of the Damned for the umpteenth time. You never can have too much Dr Who you know.

Aren't I pathetic, ey? I'm a hopeless Whovian. I may not ever own a David Tennant doll, a Toy Tardis or a plastic sonic screwdriver...but, yeah, I do love it to bits, I do. Okay, truth to tell, I'd love to own a toy sonic.

I gotta' wonder tho'---do the fan girls sleep with a little mini David under their collective pillows? Afraid I'd probably be a bit more irreverent with mine (if I had one). I think he's brilliant--well...he's no Derek Jacobi, but yup, he'll do, I reckon. Well, anyway, reckon, being me, I'd probably end up using poor Tennant's little (toy) self, to prop the window ope, or a cat toy or something--not out of malice mind...I'm just too cheapt to buy a door stop, and the cats go through their toys like crazy.

Speaking of cat toys (note the segway, again), I bought the cats a packet of furry mice, today, on sale: 9 for $2. Usually they're $1 each, so that's a great buy--well, as of now, there's five furry mice in my lounge, two on my bed, one in the kitchen..and heaven knows where the rest are. I just opened the packet and dumped them out...the cats were overjoyed. But...they the thrills generally last a day or so. In fact, Charilie's favourite "toy," is the plastic strip zip top, from a package of deli sliced ham. I found it in my coat tonight, when I got to work--he likes to "hide" it, than find it again. Oh, if we all could be so easily amused, wouldn't the BBC be overjoyed, ey?

Still got my cold, but it's okay--my throat feels like sandpaper's been rubbed against it, after making phone calls, but otherwise, I'm holding my own, against it. Bit anemic I'm told, once again, and must go for some more tests. Oh, hoo-ray.

Been one heck of a busy day--had an hour wait for a cab, in the cold, and got a bit cross, I'm afraid, after 30 minutes. It's warmer tonight, 19 F, but still, in this last year, I've found I'm far less tolerant of the cold, than I used to be--wheter that's the blood problems, the diabetes or something else, I've no clue. Long gone are the days, when I'd go snowshoeing when it was 15 F, with nothing but a flannel shirt, sweater and a pair of jeans, on.

Well, must get on, in a bit. I have to stop at the store across from my building, and get some antacids...had a hurried lunch of Mexican food, and my stomach's not thanking me for it.

Have a lovely weekend, all. And, if anyone from Wales happens to be reading this, happy St David's Day.