A scene from just across the NY state border, in the Green Mountains of Vermont, less than one hour drive from where I live.

Thanks to all, for your concern--it does indeed mean a great deal to me.

I am going through a very rough patch, emotionally, and physically, at the moment.

First, my illness(es), often leave me weak and light-headed. I don't know what it is...it may be something minor, or it may be cancer--I just don't know--and, truthfully, I honestly don't want to know.

I'm NOT suicidal. Honestly, no. So put your fears to rest. That said, I'm not going to obsess with my health, either. I'm not going to kill myself, but, if old mother nature wants to do it for me, I'm not going to stand in her way. But...I don't think what I've got is serious. As long as I take my iron and vitamins, I should be okay. But yes, physcically, I am very, very worn down, right now, and am really struggling just to do the basics: go to work, do the washing, pay bills, feed myself. Some days, I feel pretty good--almost my old self again, other days...I can barely move at all, without feeling like I'll pass out. It's just the way things go, I guess.

I have to work long days, in order to make enough to squeak by on--my paycheck is all the money I have, and at present, my net worth is quite literally less than $2. The worry over finances--and the discouraging fact that every single blessed time I start to get the barest smigeon ahead--the financial rug is yanked out from beneath me again--time and time again...for more than two blinking years. Well, that is a little upsetting, at times.

And at work, all the talk around me is of parties, and holiday plans and shopping and dining out...and that depresses me, as well.

And, added to all the above, is the fact that the anniversary of my mum's death is approaching, in November, and of course, there's a lot of very bad memories rustling about my sub-conscience.

Most of all, I am tired of being physically alone, nearly every day of my life (excepting the cats.) A human being needs to be needed, wanted. Work doesn't really need me--I'm in a job where I'm highly replaceable. And reality check: I don't attract friends. I just don't. I never have. I have one or two, for a while, then they move on, and I'm alone again.

Oh, I have friends--am blessed, as a matter of fact, with good friends, whom I care a great deal for--but, not one of these friends has ever met me, physically. And, as much as I adore my friends...I am getting so, I crave physical contact...and, I just know that that cannot be. It me, I repel people, I think. I don't know.

Being alone, it sucks. I don't mind being alone a lot--it's the being alone every single day, for the rest of my lifetime, that's unbearable, sometimes.

Without a car or funds, I'm pretty much stuck where I am. I'm stuck in neutral, forever. And knowing that....it's hard. It's depressing the hell out of me.

No one can help me out of this, I don't think. I'm on my own, here. What I need is change--positive change, or someone who actually wants me around, or something...but, there's nothing. I've been looking for a new job for 9 months, and the only offers I get, are either too far away for me to get to, or they want me to invest money in some way.

My foot injury from back in spring, has made standing and/or walking tiring and painful, so that now limits--very much limits, what sort of jobs I can apply for.

So, sorry if I've caused you worry--I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself, that's all. I am not one who likes stagnation. It goes badly with me, to just be a do-nothing all the time...but, I'm stuck. And it is really tough to deal with--the illness, the finances, the stagnation and the being alone...and sometimes I just get so, I wonder how I can bear to life a long life. Again, NOT suicidal...just...pragmatic, about my present and future.

To me, a "normal" life--shopping for clothes or any type of food I want, going out somewhere with someone, dining out, conversations, holiday and birthday celebrations, college, a rewarding job, traveling, driving a car, having a vacation (holiday), going to doctor's--and having someone with me, when I'm ill...I will NEVER have any of this again...and yeah, the realization of this, just plain scares the hell out of me.