I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

Off for an exciting Sunday nite on Dix Avenue...pay a bill and do laundry till 10pm--yippee!

I feel like rubbish still, but a little better. Reckon my blood count's down again, and my heart's playing up a bit, as a result. Ah well...tough getting old. Nearly 3 years shy of fifty, and I feel like I'm seventy...not good, is it?

I'm a bit weary of reading about all these so-called "reality" shows...that honestly have zip to do with reality.

And, a lot of these shows are so incredibly negative--insults and cat fights...that's what the "public' wants? Then the public are bored little unimaginative morons.

Here's some more "positive" reality-show ideas:

"Gimme' A Break." A show where the public writes in about someone (not referring to me, by the way) who's had a tough time, and could use a break--a little lift--and the show is about giving the designated person or person a little treat of some sort.

"Animal Rescue"--follows the success story of a animal rescued from a bad home--from the initial save, to the animal becoming healthy and going to a new home.

"Real People." A programme that shows how low-income individuals, the elderly and families REALLY live--and producers at the end, present the person or family with a positive oppourtunity of some sort.

"Hidden Talent." A show that finds ordinary people with "hidden" talents--art, music, writing, crafts or cooking, and lets the audience judge who's the best. The top three finalists compete for a small monetary prize and a chance to display their work publicly.

"That's My Hobby." A programme about people and their unusual hobbies.

"Job Swap." Celebrities and/or execuitves trading places for a day, with an average worker, such as fast food, janitorial, telemarketing, animal caretaker, dishwasher, traffic warden, dinner lady, store clerk, lorry driver, binman, etc.

"I Have to Do WHAT?" A show where either ordinary people or celebrities, under close supervision for safety, are placed in a new situation (ie. non-cooks in a kitchen, non-riders in a stable, non-actors on a stage, etc) and they have to do the task required, in a set amount of time, with only 10 minutes of personal instruction, and a basic handbook to go by.

"I'll Take it!" People are given a room to decorate, and a limited amount of cash, and are sent to a boot sale or flea market, to buy stuff to decorate the room with--having to stay in budget.

I know, these are stupid ideas--and who knows? May have been done before, but, I'm bored and had nothing better to do. I don't even have television, ha-ha!

YOU WILL BE DELETED, IMMEDIATELY.

NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE. I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S JUST THE TRUTH.

YOU ARE TOTALLY WASTING YOUR TIME, SO BUGGER OFF!

IF YOU BELONG TO BLOG.UK YOUR BLOG WILL BE FLAGGED, AND YOU WILL BE KICKED OUT.

(Note: written because some arse with the handle "greenhorse" just spammed me--didn't read the comment, because I NEVER read obvious spam--just hit the edit/delete button. Why do these totally brainless twits even waste their time like this? Life is short, and they sit there spamming people who won't even read their comments! What a waste of a life.)

Well, considering my illness has taken control of my life today, I'm amazed at myself for actually being able to even write today. Oh, I'll be okay...this sickness just likes to take over once or twice a week--fortunately, I've today off--well, mostly. Still have the chores and laundry to slog through--but, have several hours to myself, yet, to rest...which I'm about to do.

Set up a yet another blog, yesterday--which I'm still working on today, a bit. Just a recipe blog. Not sure why, just felt like it, last night.

So, here's my Accord Hospice blog entry for Sunday--Day 71. Just a reminder, the blog can be found by clicking the "100 STORIES" banner in my blog header.

You can find out more about Accord, its patients and its programmes, by going to their website: www.accord.org.uk

DAY 71

Deciding to go for a walk to clear his head, the writer headed out into the countryside. His stroll took him past a churchyard. Tired, he sat, leaning against a mouldery, tilted, marble headstone--and it moved slightly. A hand reached out from the grave…slowly, towards the unsuspecting writer. There was to be a sequel after all, but it wasn’t a movie.

Actor David Tennant films yet another bed scene--the difference being that this time, he actually has some clothes on--much to the disappointment of his female fans.

Adirondack mountains in the rain.

I remember once, a local artist saying that she was moving to New Mexico (because she found the desert to be more "colourful") to paint her landscapes, because the Adirondacks were "too green" in summer and "too brown" in winter. Well, you can't please everybody, ey?

I laughed to myself when I heard this. She calls herself an artist--and to be sure, she was quite talented--only things I can draw are a barn or a horse head or a pine tree...sort of...well..vaugely..well...they look like those things, if you hold them in the right light, I suppose.

But, you see, I laughed not at her, but at her vanity, her short-sightedness. For, I believe, beauty is everywhere, for those who choose to see it. Colours are there, all year round..but, you have to LOOK for them! In winter, all this woman sees are brown trees, brown grass (when it hasn't snowed)...I see, have seen, grays and silvers, many shades of brown and black, tan, blue skies, blue jays (birds), red berries, red cardinals (birds) and maroon-stemmed brush, green pines...white snow, white clouds...the blue of the distant mountains. You can see things in winter, that the full-leaved trees and brush, keeps hidden, during other parts of the year.

And yes, summers are very green, 'round these parts, what with billions of trees covering 40 million acres of mountain and valley. Grass..corn stalks, even some insects, are green. But..again, there's other colours as well. There's the gold of the dandelions, black-eyed Susans, golden rod, bread and butter flowers. The blues of asters, the orange of jewelweed, the birds--so many colours and sizes, the sky and waters, and..there's more than one shad of green, you know.

But, this artist didn't want to see the tapestry of life, in her own backyard--for the mere fact, that sometimes the colours jump out at you---but equally, sometimes you have to make the effort to find them.

Which brings me to another point. I realize now, that I have to make an effort, to re-discover the colours in my own life...find the good, no matter how small or well-hidden.

Okay, so my writing will never get me publish (got a pile of rejection letters 6 inches thick, that I just binned, not counting the rejection e-mails)...can't even afford to submit stuff, now, until I can manage the post office, printers (I don't have one), discs and envelopes, as well (plumb outta' everything, at the mo').

I've decided that after Accord gets done, on 29th Oct., I'm going to go on Helium and work on my feature writing again...and, yes, work on a play, as well--tho' the play is just for me, and like all the others, will never be meant for the public.

Anyway--that's the plan, barring anything more untoward happening to me. We'll see, I guess. I just know, I hate stagnation almost as bad as I had being alone--and if I can't move forward in my life, my job, if I can't get around very well...I at least can keep my mind active, ey?

I found this bit rather funny...

I hate the weekend, these days--oh, it's nice, getting to sleep a little later in the morning, but still...it's rarely a fun thing, weekends. My weekends, this year, seem to mostly consist of, either, lying in bed, trying to get well enough to get through another work week, or running around doing errands and household chores...not much else (except blogging.) Sometimes it's restful, sometimes stressful, ofttimes hopelessly boring...and always, always lonely. Yeah, I'd say sleeping in, is about the only good thing, about weekends, for me. Otherwise, just another day.

Oh, not feeling sorry for myself, just covering the facts. I didn't get to the laundromat this morning--overslept...alarm went off, but I fell back to sleep--I had to be to the laundromat by no later than ten, to get to work by 1pm. It takes forever to do laundry, without a washing machine--or, without a car. By adding in a cab--there's not only the extra cost of the fare (no bus routes pass by any of the local laundromats, except one bus, enroute to the community college--and that's only twice a day...once in the morning, once early evening. Stupid Glens Falls transport people...)

Anyway, there's the $8 to $10 round-trip cab fare, PLUS, the 30 to 50 minutes it takes, waiting to get a cab to pick you up, coming and going...add to that washing, drying and folding the clothes, packing them into and out of the cab, then, down the hall and up two flights of stairs, putting them away---you're easily looking at a good 3 to 4 hours of your day, thrown away. Gone forever, washing your dirties.

Then, you have it all to do, the next week or two...

Ever wonder how much of our lives are spent, doing things we don't want to do? A lot, in my case.

Ah well. At least I'll have clean knickers, this week, ha-ha.

I was asked, last night, why I don't write more Dr Who stories on my Accord Hospice blog. Well, I'd love to, but I decided that I might have a mixed audience, not all of whom might watch--or even know about--Dr Who. So, I made the decision to vary the stories, stagger they types of stories I write, to keep it from becoming too tedious or repetitive. And also, to appeal to a broader audience. Not that I have an "audience." 1 to 6 readers a day. Tho' I am delighted that my friends are nice enough to want to read the stories, really I am. I will say, I do get more readers when it's Dr Who or David Tennant I write about. Not sure why...must have something to do with the Google search or something?

But, I'm not moaning today. I've decided, my friend is right. I'm not going to sit here today, moaning that I have no life--I am going to go out and make my life....even if it means shutting myself away from the outside world, to save myself, it's what I have to do...just go and hide for a while, until I can get my act together again, or until something positive comes along. Build my own private fall-out shelter--oh, I don't mean hide, in the sense I'm going to stop living my life, or stop interacting with my internet/overseas friends...just that I will bury my sorrows for a while and just...learn to like stagnation.

Mind you, I'm not sure how, just yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something...I need a project--after Accord is done, to bury myself in--maybe a play, or maybe just find some good books to read, online or re-read stuff on my shelf. Maybe write some really bad poetry? Watch more Dr Who? I don't know...Yeah, I miss being out and about. With my scheduling at work, working as a volunteer is totally impractical, as I never know what my hours are--and lately, my health is making just simply things like shopping, quite a massive chore.

I'm tired, so think I'll go have a lie down. I was up late, last night, wracking my brains as to how to get more readers/sponsors for my Accord blog, but...nothing. I've tried all I can think of. I guess it's just not a big enough deal, that people are attracted to it. That's life, I guess. If all I get is one or two or five readers--well, at least someone's reading it, right? It's not like I'm doing this for me, anyway--well, I am, in a tiny way...but I hope, at least some people (besides my sponsors) have visited the site and found out more about Accord's wonderful work.

So, off to bed for a half-hour, than I have to tidy the apartment a bit. Hope you all have a pleasant day--see you tonight.

Got this weird e-mail in my box today:

drjohn01_booma9
CONTACT HIM THROUGH HIS EMAIL (eric_more@excite.com)

Nothing else, just that---oh, wait, there was an attachment--which I refuse to open. I'm willing to bet it's either a virus, a scam artist, or porn--or maybe, all three...but one of the main reasons I stopped using Yahoo so much, is these jerks and their stupid Spam....yahoo does a really crappy job, policing spammers, I've found. I throw people into the "spam" section--and two weeks later, the spammers are back--so Yahoo doesn't really weed them out well at all.

But, sorry---no. Not contacting anyone, I don't personally know, or whom isn't up front with mea about who they are, and what exactly he or she wants. Not gonna' happen in this lifetime, chum.

Did get a job offer--good job...but again, it's in Albany, 50 miles away...it would cost too much in bus fare, to go there each day--about $30 to $40 (15 to 20 pounds) a day, to get there..not to mention, having to lose a day's pay, and pay bus and cab fare, just to get to the interview!

The job is as a call centre rep for a loan company--10 to 12 dollars an hour to start (I'm presently making $7.92 an hour--WAS making $9 an hour, before the pay cut), but still..I'd be nuts to even consider it---bus schedules being what they are, I'd be gone from half-past six in the morning, to 10 pm at night, five or six days a week--and, be shelling out roughly $150 a week in transport cost, for the privledge! Thanks, but no thanks. I'd not mind the hour to hour and a half commute to Albany, but the waiting around bus stations for hours, and the high cost of bus fare--even with a discounted commuter ticket--not worth it.

I read this...and I had a long chuckle. Just wanted to share it with you...

Lord Nelson is on his flagship, HMS Victory, and the lookout shouts "Spanish Armada on the Port bow", Nelson shouts for his cabin boy and says "go to my cabin and bring me my three cornered hat, my telescope and my red coat".

A couple of days later the lookout shouts "Spanish fleet on the Port bow." Nelson looks and thinks 'oh shit' he shouts for his cabin boy and says to him " bring me my three cornered hat, my telescope and my brown corduroy trousers."

Ten more:

1. A day without sunshine--is cloudy.

2. The fastest way to double your money: fold it in half and put it in your wallet.

3. 100,000 sperm, and they got you?

4. I don't want shampoo--I want real poo!

5. Death is hereditary, you know.

6. George Bush stopped to think...and forgot to start again.

7. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

8. If a Smurf is choking to death, what colour does it turn?

9. Join the army: Meet interesting new people--then kill them all.

10. Very funny, Scotty. Now, beam down my clothes.

Not much to say, tonight. Got out of work, went and did my shopping--got up to the service desk to pay my cable/phone bill, electronically, and...forgot the blasted bill! So, now I have to go in tomorrow or Monday.

So, I came home, put the shopping away (mostly), sat down--and immediately got a massive leg cramp in my left leg--I mean, massive: toes to bottom massive..even started to go into my back...then it went away, eventually..then, about 20 minutes on, it came back...and let me tell you...it HURTS!!!

I haven't a clue why this just started in like this. I've been getting foot cramps, at night sometimes--with suggestions by a co-worker that it might be menopause, and by someone else, that the foot cramps might be related to my low blood count...and yet another person suggested that it's lack of certain vitamins and/or minerals, that do it, and sometimes dehydration, as well.

So many opinions--but no suggestions on how to make the damn foot/leg stop! But, it is about troubling--very rare to have this happen, merely sitting up. My left leg and foot are badly swollen, and my left toes are a bit numb, as well. Ironically--it's my right foot/leg, that has the most damage to it, and usually it the one that gives me so much grief, sometimes. I don't know why the swelling---but, I have the rest of the night to rest it, and hope it goes away.

I have a busy Saturday ahead of me--working from 1 to 4, and going to the laundromat (too wet and cool this weekend, to lay out the washing on the balcony rail to dry) on Saturday morning, as well. But, I have all of Sunday off--and your truly plans to spend much of it in bed, getting some badly needed rest, before slogging through my job from 10 to 7 on Monday. At work, I only get (when I'm working 5+ hours, or not working a split shift) a half hour for lunch and two ten-minute breaks, all day.

So, I have a story to write, and another chapter to add to my Dr Who fiction site. I think I might dump my new blog...I don't know...or set up a really private blog somewhere, on an ever more obscure website. I thought Blogger was pretty obscure, but apparently not. It still baffles me--I mean, really, it does perplex me, why I've attracted such a following--especially in light that most visitors don't comment...or even stay long...maybe it's the "Lead?" (Blog title.) Maybe it's the pictures? I don't know.

I miss college English tho'---I miss the critiques (the contructive kind)...I feel like my writing has been lacking, of late. I miss having someone sit down, and go over the fine points with me--both good and bad. It's how I learned to write, really.

Ack! Darn it! The empty-headed teen upstairs is having a party again...and the stereo being positioned, apparently, on the floor right over my bed...well, forget sleep for a while...meh, too hot in here, anyway--85 F in my little bedroom--yukky sleeping weather....strange weather actually, for late September, especially in light of the fact that just over a week and a half ago, I think, it got below freezing one night, and we had snow flurries up in the mountains--now today, it was in the mid-80's F, and bad thunderstorms and rain and very humid. Very odd, that.

But, it will be normal--weatherwise, in a day or so again. I signed up to work some overtime on Saturday--this weekend was SUPPOSED to be my last full weekend off--no chance of that now. Starting Saturday, I'm back to one day off now. But, I messed about with my schedule, and--if approved, I only work, next week, 2 hours friday, and two hours Saturday, with Sunday off....of course, to do that, I have to work four 9 hour days in a row, Monday straight through, and the other three days, the old 10-3, 5-9 split shift. Ah well, at least I won't be selling memberships, but doing collections, which is pretty easy and straight-forward, and I know the script by heart.

I don't mind working weird hours--in my lifetime, I work every sort of schedule imaginable---I've gotten to work at 4am from one type of job(s), and gotten home at 4am from others...worked 1st, 2nd, and 2rd shifts, 9-5, split shifts...last summer and early autumn, I worked 7 days a week, for over a month and a half. I mean, it's not like I have a life, is it? But, I must say, when, health-wise, and emotionally, you're not 100% yourself, it's really a tough, working crazy hours, sometimes, let me tell you. I really feel genuinely old, of late.

Yup, next week it's back to ringing up America, coast-to-coast. Oh what a joy. I'd run away up the road aways (okay, a 150 some-odd miles up the road), to Quebec, or hop one of those frieghters down to the Port of Albany, and take off for parts unknown--but, the cats would miss me--and, truth-to-tell, I'd miss them.

Tomorrow's my last day in the business-to-business department. The company choose to hire outside help, rather than promote people already working within the company, which pretty much speaks volumes about the new chav Indian owners, I think. Anyway, they have all new people, so I'm chucked back to the slums of selling memberships and doing collections, and being a part-time, benefit-less, crap wages, chav shit-worker. I love my job, can't you tell?

I did have something really, really funny, happen today.

For the last 3 weeks, I've been shifted to the business-to-business department, getting leads for salesmen. Well, one of my jobs, is, when a number comes up bad, or I get a fax tone or whatever--is to go into the internet, and check and see if there's another listing for the company.

Well, in this case, the company I was looking up, the number on the webpage, matched the number I had, which was disconnected. So, it was a bad lead--and what advert banner appeared below the contact information for the defunct business?

"Stop chasing bad leads and list with us..."

That was too funny!!!

I mean, what are the chances of that? I just cracked up--and so did my coworkers.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I would love to write my friends overseas--but it costs over $6 in cab fare just to go to the post office for air mail stamps, so I can't afford to go there (too far to walk).

Someone asked why I've never written a fan letter to David Tennant.

Well, for one thing, can't afford it, and for another, I doubt it would even get read--and what would I say, and why would he care what I think? I don't even live in the UK. And, truth to tell, I've not written a fan letter in decades.

But, I thought, well, since I can't write the man privately, why not just blog the letter--oh, I know he'll never read it, but, at least I'll be able to say, what I have to say, and..I save 7 dollars, in the process, ha-ha, which is 5 dollars more than I actually have, at the moment.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Tennant,

I just wanted to thank you for taking on the role of the Doctor. You have given me countless hours of joy, in your portrayal of my favourite TV character of all time.

You are one of the most versatile, deep and energetic young actors I've ever had the pleasure to watch. It's clearly obvious that you have really worked hard to perfect your craft. You seem, in the few interviews I've seen, like a charming and well-spoken gentleman.

I would also like to express my deepest sympathies in regards to your recent loss. Having lost both my parents, I know you've likely had a tough row to hoe this summer, and I am glad to see that you seem to have a lot of caring, supportive people around you.

Best wishes I extend to you as well, for your upcoming role as Hamlet. I've never had the honour of seeing it live, but I'm sure your performances in this great work, will be truly memorable.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, N. (playwrite27)

(PS: I choose this pic especially for my new blog-friend, "Jenna.")

Autumn wasn't always a sad time for me.

So often, I could almost see my reflection, in seasons, in the tapestry of the brilliant leaves, I saw the tapestry of the life around me...the whirling winds were complementary of my urge to fly--- to take wing, and follow the wild cry of the geese wining southward, my spirit soaring with the sound. The restless clouds urging me to grow, to change, to stride towards tomorrow, the next sunrise, the next month, the next year of my life.

Tho' I don't feel that way any longer--still, it's there, I think, the wilding spirit, somewhere buried inside me.

Well folks, I have story #69 to write, and a post to put on my Dusty's Dr Who Fan Fic blog, and then...off to bed I go.

Stormy night, here. Lost power at work, couple of times--and lights flickering here, so wrapping it up, soon. I got soaked coming home--we were staring out the windows of our building, at the storm, early this evening. Everyone in the office jumped at least once--all these big whopping bolts of lightning, cloud-to-ground...quite a show, let me tell you. I'm not a big fan of lightning, mind, having been mildly shocked by a bolt, years ago...not a fun experience, even tho' I was relatively unharmed by it.

So, a few one-liners I found on the internet, to end the night with (if you have others, chime right in, don't be shy)

1. If a number 2 pencil is the top seller at the stationer's, why is it still #2?

DAVID: "I'm NOT an anorak!" Riiight, David, sure matey...

A scene from just across the NY state border, in the Green Mountains of Vermont, less than one hour drive from where I live.

Thanks to all, for your concern--it does indeed mean a great deal to me.

I am going through a very rough patch, emotionally, and physically, at the moment.

First, my illness(es), often leave me weak and light-headed. I don't know what it is...it may be something minor, or it may be cancer--I just don't know--and, truthfully, I honestly don't want to know.

I'm NOT suicidal. Honestly, no. So put your fears to rest. That said, I'm not going to obsess with my health, either. I'm not going to kill myself, but, if old mother nature wants to do it for me, I'm not going to stand in her way. But...I don't think what I've got is serious. As long as I take my iron and vitamins, I should be okay. But yes, physcically, I am very, very worn down, right now, and am really struggling just to do the basics: go to work, do the washing, pay bills, feed myself. Some days, I feel pretty good--almost my old self again, other days...I can barely move at all, without feeling like I'll pass out. It's just the way things go, I guess.

I have to work long days, in order to make enough to squeak by on--my paycheck is all the money I have, and at present, my net worth is quite literally less than $2. The worry over finances--and the discouraging fact that every single blessed time I start to get the barest smigeon ahead--the financial rug is yanked out from beneath me again--time and time again...for more than two blinking years. Well, that is a little upsetting, at times.

And at work, all the talk around me is of parties, and holiday plans and shopping and dining out...and that depresses me, as well.

And, added to all the above, is the fact that the anniversary of my mum's death is approaching, in November, and of course, there's a lot of very bad memories rustling about my sub-conscience.

Most of all, I am tired of being physically alone, nearly every day of my life (excepting the cats.) A human being needs to be needed, wanted. Work doesn't really need me--I'm in a job where I'm highly replaceable. And reality check: I don't attract friends. I just don't. I never have. I have one or two, for a while, then they move on, and I'm alone again.

Oh, I have friends--am blessed, as a matter of fact, with good friends, whom I care a great deal for--but, not one of these friends has ever met me, physically. And, as much as I adore my friends...I am getting so, I crave physical contact...and, I just know that that cannot be. It me, I repel people, I think. I don't know.

Being alone, it sucks. I don't mind being alone a lot--it's the being alone every single day, for the rest of my lifetime, that's unbearable, sometimes.

Without a car or funds, I'm pretty much stuck where I am. I'm stuck in neutral, forever. And knowing that....it's hard. It's depressing the hell out of me.

No one can help me out of this, I don't think. I'm on my own, here. What I need is change--positive change, or someone who actually wants me around, or something...but, there's nothing. I've been looking for a new job for 9 months, and the only offers I get, are either too far away for me to get to, or they want me to invest money in some way.

My foot injury from back in spring, has made standing and/or walking tiring and painful, so that now limits--very much limits, what sort of jobs I can apply for.

So, sorry if I've caused you worry--I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself, that's all. I am not one who likes stagnation. It goes badly with me, to just be a do-nothing all the time...but, I'm stuck. And it is really tough to deal with--the illness, the finances, the stagnation and the being alone...and sometimes I just get so, I wonder how I can bear to life a long life. Again, NOT suicidal...just...pragmatic, about my present and future.

To me, a "normal" life--shopping for clothes or any type of food I want, going out somewhere with someone, dining out, conversations, holiday and birthday celebrations, college, a rewarding job, traveling, driving a car, having a vacation (holiday), going to doctor's--and having someone with me, when I'm ill...I will NEVER have any of this again...and yeah, the realization of this, just plain scares the hell out of me.

Another empty day...personally, I don't care about growing old or looking young, or any of that nonsense that seems to obsess so many people, nowadays. One day is like another, and, from where I'm sitting--still in an uncomfy old chair, as the sofa never materialized ( )--what difference does it make, what I look like, or how old I become...nothing matters. It's all the same, one way or another. Birthdays and holidays and how I look or dress--no matter at all. I might as well not even exist, truthfully. In this city, I am a stranger among strangers--even amid the people I work with every day, I am almost a non-entity. I am an invisible person, so why care about anything much?

I didn't feel much like making breakfast, but was a little hungry, so I just cracked an egg, dumped it on top of a slice of toast, slapped a piece of cheese over it, and nuked it in the microwave--bleh. I hate runny egg...oh well, stuck with it now. It's eat it or go hungry.

Bleh. That's my life. That says it all, I think.

It's been pouring buckets all night--then, out of the blue---FLASH-BANG!

Made me jump, it did. Now there's a fire siren going off, in the western part of town, in the direction of the strike, so I reckon that sucker must've hit something.

Arrrghhh!!!!!!!

I HAVE to write story #68 for my Accord Hospice writing marathon....

and, I can't think of one blinking thing to write about!

I HATE THAT!!!

I've tried so hard to write a story every day--but I fear Day 68 and Day 69 may run together, for once---I am so upset right now--I feel so gosh-darn STUPID!

I hate feeling stupid. It's the #1 worst thing in the world, emotionally, for me, feeling like a moron.

I'm so disappointed in myself. I could just throw this stinking keyboard, I'm so mad at myself. I'm stupid tonight. I just...blank. Blank, blank, blank.

I've tried EVERYTHING! I've used every trick I know and have learned, and, pardon my language, but...shit. I'm poo, tonight. And I just want to go to bed and cry.

This writing thing is the only thing I have to give me something to, basically, live for, and I'm messing it up. It's the only thing that makes me feel human, less invisible. And I am rubbish! I hate myself tonight, can't you tell?

DON'T WORRY. I'll get over this. I just hate feeling stupid, and hate giving up, and hate going to bed, knowing I probably won't think of anything tomorrow either, because I'm just too damn worn down and sick and exahusted.

Two more 9 hour days to slog through tomorrow....no holidays, no sick days, nothing. Just work until I die...who'd ever think I'd look on death as a holiday? Only one I'm gonna' get.

I'm sick of hearing my co-workers planning their vacations and holidays and parties...I am so tired of it. I'm sorry, I'm really, really fed up with living, and am very down tonight--I think I'm just over-tired, and unwell and overwhelmed, and just...I'll get over it. I usually do.

I'll likely delete this post, later on. But gosh, I'm sick and I'm tired. I only have Saturday off, too...as I think I go back to my "hell" schedule--3 1/2 hours on Saturday and 10 hour split shifts, next week.

"What do you mean, I'm 'too ribby and freckled' to be in a James Bond Film?"

I do admit, that I wonder, sometimes, about life, about humanity.

What do we value most, and why? (Write on one side of the paper only.)

Do we most value, the hand that designed and built a magnificent building, the actor on the stage who transforms words into life and magic, the driver of a race car, who defies all odds and wins the race?

Or, do we most admire the person who first dreamed of, and then commissioned the magnificent building? The playwrite's soul from wence the idea and words of the play came, or the man who first envisioned the design of that winning racecar?

Do we stand in awe, of the man who pushes the plunger that brings down a once-grand building? The critic who, with relished venom, pans the play and/or the actor, the losing race driver, who survives--or doesn't survive--a bad wreck?

Maybe, there's a little of all of those, in all of us. I don't know.

Oh...get yer minds outta' the gutter, he-he.

This is just a quick note to say good morning to all my friends.

Gonna' be a tough day--10 hour shift, straight on through...and before I even get ready for work, I have to finish up the laundry here, make breakfast, lunch and...dinner (in the slow cooker), clean the litter box out and feed the cats.

THEN, I can change for work and go slog through another day.

I wrote story #67 last night, for Accord. There's that, I guess, to keep me feeling like a human being, still. My sponsors have helped raise the equivalent of $200 dollars, since I began this story-writing journey back on 22nd July (hoo-ray for my sponsors!)...and tho' I've only been averaging about 3 or 4 readers a day, these last several weeks, weirdly, on Tuesday, I had 16 readers...not sure where they came from, but glad to have them--now if they'd just donate something (hint-hint) so I could reach my 250 pound ($500) goal, by 29th October...

I'm worried sick (as in sick to my stomach with worry) about making the rent in October. I do wish I were someone else, somewhere else, wish it with all my heart. Anywhere but here, now.

It's hard, going through each day, knowing your life will never get better, that this is all there is, all there ever will be. I've been trying for months, to find a better job--but..no takers. I'm rubbish. No one wants me. Even in my own office, I'm nothing, just a bottom in a seat, no shot at ever being anything more than a low-paid chav human donkey. And I wish with all my heart it weren't so--but if wishes were horses, I'd have a saddle on my Friesian and cantering off into the sunrise, right about now.