"Hi, Sophie and I are..umm--busy, right now, doing something we...erm..enjoy doing every night..she likes to do it up and down, and I like it back and forth----we'll get back to you as soon as we're done brushing our teeth..."

"Hi, this is Lucifer, who or what in Hell do you want?"

"Ahoy, this is the skipper, I'm out on the boat, and me wife, my first mate, is out making it with the boys--(Wife) "Hi, boys!"--(together) So, leave us a message and maybe one of our galley slaves will get back to you."

"Hi, I'm not answering the phone because I got laid off of my job last week, my dog died and my husband just ran off and left me, and I'm drunk as a skunk right now..leave a message."

"Hello, nobody's answering the phone because we're having another fight. The winner will call you back."

"Hi! Jesus loves you! But if you're a telemarketer, we hate you, so don't call us anymore. Have a blessed day."

If Jean Paul Sarte had an answering machine:

"I'm not here, you're not here. Don't leave a message. There is no beep."

William Shakespeare:

"To beep or not to beep, that is the question. Leave thy message, and take thy chances with the slings and arrows of misfortune, if I don't like what thou hast said."