Adding a Few More Bricks to my Wall

So, still not a peep from the guy I thought was my good friend. I suppose if he truly had been my friend, he would have at said something, he would show a little more respect for me, maybe. But then again, maybe not. I don't know.

This is the third time this has happened in the course of the past year. And I think I'm going to take the hint. First, it was my best local friend. Something happened--I've a vague notion, but am not entirely sure, and she just stopped writing and calling me. Just stopped. Oh, she sent me a Christmas card, but not a peep from her since. She changed her mobile number, so I can't ring her up. She hasn't responded to my e-mails and cards. She's just dropped me like a hot rock. Another friend from a Dr Who forum did the same thing, often writing me, she and I were becoming friends, and then one day--nothing. She still "talks" to me, sometimes, on the site--but just a sentence, maybe a few words, nothing more, and not often.

So, I'm taking the hint. I'm putting another brick in my wall. I will still care about the few friends I have--I'd never shut someone out because of what another person has done, but by God, I'm not going to allow myself to get close to anyone else. NO. It's just not worth it, you know?

Oh, I will still be nice and all, and I won't shut myself off from new people--but, that said, I, from now on in, will have no more new friends. I won't give out my personal info to anyone, not ever. I'm tired of the hate. Of the meanness, the pettiness, the selfishness. People using me. People treating me like I'm invisible. No more. I'm building my own personal version of Hadrian's Wall. I will never date again. I won't allow myself to love. No one's ever going to love me, not in an unselfish way. I can't bring myself to believe that. That kind of love just doesn't happen, only in fairy tales, or to people who are nice-looking or trendy, or have normal, sane lives. People like me--we just get used. That's simply reality. That's the way the world works--always has. We get shoved out of having a normal life, an everyday existence.

I mean, do people all the time, really go for tea or coffee? Do they hang out in bars with their best mates? Have friends and family over for dinner or a night at home? Go shopping together? Meet each other at fetes and festivals and just have a good time? Do women really go to the beauty pallor together? Do people go walking together? Sit around and play games?

I wouldn't know. I've seldom had that pleasure, except with mum. One of the highlights of 2004, was when my friend(?) took me and this other friend of hers to an antique carriage auction in Pennslyvania for the weekend--we had so much fun. It was the only "normal" thing I've done in years. We stayed up half the night giggling over stuff, we had dinner together, talked about stuff, just enjoyed looking around at things--it was a genuine joy. I actually felt like a normal human being, that weekend. But...good things never last long, do they?

Anyway, the wall's up. I will never stop caring about the friends I have. But, that said, I've decided I don't want any more that the one's I've already got. It's just not worth the heartache. The not knowing what I did to push them away. And maybe I don't want to know, might make me feel worse.