Living with a Learning Disability

I was always rubbish at math and science--well, certain aspects of science, such as chemistry. My memory is just awful, sometimes, and I had to learn the hard way, in college, that if I wanted to memorize something--texts, scripts, etc., if it involved a test or play or whatever, I would have to do my memorization literally near the last possible minute, to really ace something. That's not to say I didn't pay attention or take notes in class--I always took notes when needed. But my short-term memory is not too bad. So, I've learned to do one of two things---for test study, I'd study lightly in the beginning, then, just before the test, cram like hell--usung highlighter or just take written notes of the most important points--or if a script, in the beginning, memorize the other actor's last line/my first line, first--and then a day or two performance, do the blitz thing and really try hard to learn the stuff...which made me really hopeless as an acting student, but I got A's for effort, which was nice. I mean, it wasn't the profession for me, as it turned out, but I am glad I got talked into putting the bulk of my liberal arts focus on theater, rubbish or not, I did get a lot out of it.

But, my memory is still lousy. I have learned to put my keys in the same spot, wallet where I can see it--'tho sometimes when I come home tired, I still "lose" stuff...being in a zombie-like state when I get home.

I have Dyscalculia. I don't have all the symptoms, but enough. Especially math. I not only can't (I don't mean "can't" like it's hard--I mean CAN'T as in cannot do even simple subtraction without difficulty) just can't, do math. Period. Or chemistry. I want to. I kind of liked algebra, but...it didn't like me.

I can't do reverse real well, either. No, really. I can't do numbers backwards, and have difficulty backing up a car, even. I mean, I CAN back up a car--but, I have to really think about what I'm doing, or I tend to wind up hitting walls and curbs. I've had to learn to adjust my thinking.

Now, some people with dyscalculia, have no sense of direction. I rarely have that problem--as long as I know North, South, East and West, I'm fine. Although, for some odd reason I can't fathom, my sense of direction is ten time more accurate and finely tuned in the country, than in the city. I can get very lost in a city, if I don't keep my head...which I've also had to learn to do. Cities confuse the hell out of me, if I let them. Don't know why, but it is this way. But I'm much better, since traveling more, at learning my way around--and, often, once I've been somewhere, I seldom forget how to get there again. Not always the case, as I get older my memory is getting worse--I have to keep at it, to keep it fine-tuned, so to speak. But, usually, once I learn where something is, I seldom forget it. I think I'm more likely to get "lost" indoors than out, but have learned coping skills, and that doesn't happen as much as it used to, thankfully.

I'm slow. No, honest. I'm very slow off the mark sometimes--albeit, once I truly grasp something, as long as it's kept fresh in my memory from time to time--I've got it. When I have confindence in myself, in what I'm doing, I can do pretty much anything--but the problem is I don't have much confidence in myself any longer, sadly.

These symptoms don't all necessarily apply to me, and they are not all present, all the time. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they are only there once in a while, or, I've learned to counteract them. Some symptoms are mild, some are strong, some don't exist hardly at all, and some things I don't have any problem with--like geography..I'm not great at it, but I'm not too bad, either. I can say where most of the states are, can point out England, Scotland and Ireland (Wales, I only sort of know where it is)..on a map, and a few countries in Eurpoe--well, some. That's more than a lot of my fellow Americans--who don't have disabilities--can do.

It's hell having a learning disability. It's frustrating, and feeling stupid makes me very angry and ashamed with myself--even tho' I know it's usually not my fault. I've had my dad and a teacher call me "stupid." And often people get mad at me, because I don't "get" things right away, or maybe appear mildly retarded, because my brain's not totally registering what someone is saying. Again, I've learned to comepensate, to fake it, to try and work with it and around it--still, it's a lifelong living nightmare, that so very few people understand...and fewer still can relate to.

It's believed that I developed this from infant or young childhood, from brain damage. I was premature, had scarlet fever as an infant, and was also struck on the head at the age of five, and had the top of my head cut open. No one knows for sure which of these events--if any, triggered this.

People with dyscalculia have (taken from a website): Normal or accelerated language acquisition: verbal, reading, writing. Poetic ability. Good visual memory for the printed word. Good in the areas of science (until a level requiring higher math skills is reached), geometry (figures with logic not formulas), and creative arts.

Difficulty keeping score during games, or difficulty remembering how to keep score in games, like bowling, etc. Often looses track of whose turn it is during games, like cards and board games. Limited strategic planning ability for games, like chess. (I can only play cribbage on the computer, because I haven't a clue how to peg the scores. Have to let the computer do it for me.)