So, someone asked me today, out of the blue, someone I hardly even know, "what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"

I...had no answer.

My first thought, was simply to survive--to someday find a place in this life for myself, where I no longer have to have nightmares (often literally) about homelessness, or worry about poverty. To feel "safe" again, like when I was much younger.

But of course, that's just a pipe dream, and well I know that. You get in this life, what you get. Sometimes you're lucky and things just click--just come together, and all is, mostly, well and fine...and then, sometimes life just pisses on you continually, and there you stand under the deluge, without an umbrella.

I thought I--sort of--knew what I wanted to do with my life, and in some small ways have done it--very small ways, mostly. Not too long ago, I believed in myself, had faith and strength and kept my eye clearly on the ball...made a few reality adjustments, but was essentially moving in the right direction--writing, creativity, a decent wage, a gosh-darn future.

But, the ball disappeared in 2005--smacked out of the ballpark by, what is now, a long series of unfortunate circumstances.

My confidence, my self-belief, even my very faith, has fled me. I've no clue where to go to even find them, anymore.

What do I want for myself? To live. To live without the constant fear, and worry, pain and loneliness, to not be condemned to the very existence I'd dreaded all my life. Wither away in a shell, in a prison of my own making, a miserable, bitter, lonely person, like my dad was. But, I fear, that's where I'm going.

I know--oh yes, I truly do know, that the only one who can change your life--is you. But one needs a catalyst, and inspiration, security, knowledge, confidence--faith. Trouble is, those things no longer exist for me.

I feel...empty. My muse not only left me, she took the last ship off the planet. She's out there, somewhere, floating around the solar system.

What do I want for myself?

I would love to feel inspired again, free again--I'd love to believe again, have faith, have that wonderful confidence, feel wonder and curiosity again.

Will I ever?

Again, I don't know. Who can say what will be, and what won't be? Who can say what is, and what isn't? Life is part of the universe--and the universe is continually changing, evolving...I simply don't know what the future holds for me: homelessness, success and security, or just this empty life, this continual withering of the spirit and soul...or death. I don't know, and no one does, I'm afraid.