Well...day's shot again. I had just bagged the laundry this morning, bent over to pick it up, got dizzy and fell over...thankfully not far. Hurt my bad foot, slightly, but other than that, I seem to be okay--but, means another day of taking it easy...which I'm sick of doing! I had weeks of taking it easy with the blasted foot, now, I've got this mystery illness...I don't know. I broke down and made a doctor's appointment--three weeks I have to wait. And, then, don't know if I'll be able to keep the appointment, on account of the cost of cab fare--no buses go to that part of the city--and the cost of the co-pay, which has gone up again--and if I need medication--forget it. I'm still unsure about making the rent, and I can't pay the internet bill, for June, so I'm likely going to lose my phone and internet service, by the way. No more blogging for me. I will miss my friends. I dread this, because without the internet--I really am, very literally, completely alone--morning, noon and night, 24/7/365. Having been there for months and months, after mum's death, that was my situation...and it was a very dark place to be in...I don't want to go there again, but fear, unless a miracle happens--or just some unusual good luck--that's just what will happen.

Anyway, I found one last outfit to wear to work today--pays to rummage about one's closet, ey? So, laundry tomorrow. I am still a bit light-headed, but the dizziness is gone. I had breakfast, and in a bit will do the washing up--I'm being cautious moving about the kitchen, for obvious reasons. But, the laundry's mostly bagged and ready to go, bed is made, bath is half-cleaned. Just going to take things nice and easy.

Well, I'm getting--possibly, a one-year deferrment on my student loan--which will keep the wolves away from my door--and my pay cheque--for a while--however, the big catch is, if I make so much as 1 dollar over poverty level, I'm screwed, and have to pay several hundred dollars at once. It's the old damned if I do, and damned if I don't. America sucks. They don't like us to be poor--but when we try to better our lives, they put all these clamps on us, and bog us down right off the bat, and don't give us a chance for breathing room.

I'm relieved over the potential deferrment--but at the same time, worried. The situation is so utterly precarious...I mean, my life, it's like literally living in a house of cards, all the time, day in and day out, month after month. I hate this, I hate living like this so much. I would give anything--sell my soul to the devil--for just a little stability and financial security...but, that's a pipe dream. I may be a fool, but I'm not a blind one. I see things as they are, and it's not a happy future, I'm seeing.

Now, I don't know what to do! Do I apply for that job with Time-Warner--and risk being right back where I am now, by having this loan come down on my head right off? Or, do I stay where I'm at, and risk homelessnes? Or will I be homeless, no matter what I do? I've figured it out. In order to keep afloat in this life, I'd have to make at least 23 to 25 thousand dollars a year--I make less than 12,000 (6000 pounds)--and the Time-Warner job would (maybe) boost that to 15,000 or maybe, 16,000...maybe. But even then, I don't think that would be enough...I don't know. I'm scared. No, I will never be afraid of death again, not ever.