I Ain't Afraid of No Daleks

Well, the toothache is about as bad as it can be--but I'm still standing and slugging away, ey? It's intermittent, which makes it bearable--those few minutes when it subsides to a dull ache are a true blessing.

Here's what some others had to say about pain:

Nature knows best, and she says, roar!
Author: Maria Edgeworth

The pain and hurt which i feel, go as deep as it is real; to be around and yet unseen, takes the water out of the steam.
Author: Jay T

Ah yes, I do indeed remember these! Cow pants! When they stampede, are they then, "sin-cow pants?" Ouch! That was lame, wasn't it? Ah well, misery loves company.

I've figured out, that all this continual bad stuff that keeps harrying me, is the result of a curse I must have brought back from Egypt.

Oh, I'm kidding, of course...or, am I? No, really though--it really feels like I'm cursed. I don't believe in curses...but then, I didn't used to believe in ghosts, either. Beats me. I think I'm just a target in the shooting gallery of life.

TAKEN FROM THIS WEBSITE: http://www.everythingunderthemoon.net/spells/protection-banishing-curses.htm

Knot Spell
To rid yourself of problems or a troublesome situation.

Take cotton yarn in the appropriate color of the problem (green for money, red for love, etc) and pour out your fears and problems in to the yarn. Tie it up in knots to symbolize how "tied-up" you feel. Take it outside and let the wind blow it away along with your negativity. Go back inside and take a ritual bath or shower cleansing.

Spell to Reflect Negativity

Best done during the full moon

if you are feeling uneasy, nervous or threatened, try repeating this chant quietly to yourself.

Divine Goddess, Goddess Divine,
Divine God, God Divine,
If evil dwells within this place,
Please make it leave my space.

And just in case you're being bothered by those pesky vampires (they can really ruin a good date), here's this spell:

pell to Rid yourself of Psychic Attacks
Spell to Ward off Psychic Vampires

USE CARE WHEN DOING THIS

This is a fairly straight forward spell to rid yourself of psychic vampires (you'll know if you've got one, trust me!)

Repeat this 3 times, then allow the incense and candles to burn themselves out.

So I just got a phone call, more runaround. I am soooo-tired!

First, the social worker won't help.

Then, the charity won't help.

Now, I got a call from the mental health advocacy place, and they can't help--but, they did give me a phone number for a lawyers (barristers) referral service--which gave me the number for a local Soc. Security attorney.

Big catch: If I can't pay my rent, how the hell can I pay a flipping lawyer????

Got a 2nd call--no dentist. He wants a 25 dollar co-pay just to see me today. Ain't got it.

I've said it before, I'll say it again: life sucks, and then you die.

I'm trying to hook up with a dentist--can't pay him now, so not sure if I can go--if he wants a co-pay before I leave, that nixes it.

The pain comes in bursts: deep kettle-drum throbs, with sharp little tendrils, white-hot, flaring up the nerve endings on that side of my face. All I can do is bend down, plant my palm on my forehead, grab a fistful of my hair, close my eyes, rock back and forth and just breath slowly, until it subsides--which truly is a relief and a blessing.

I have to go in late to work--I can''t call in sick, and can't really even afford being late, but I don't know what else to do, I just don't. I'm waiting on a phone call now. If I can't afford the dentist, I'm just going to have to buy more alcohol and headache pills...it's the only way. This is worse than when I sprain/broke/bruised my foot a month ago, make no mistake.

I wish I could be someplace else, someplace, anyplace...

Ah, if only there was a Dr Who...I'd ask him to whisk me (and the cats) away in his Tardis to somewhere where I could afford to live in peace and security (security as in being able to pay the rent on time).

If only there was a superman, I'd ask him to yank out this tooth.

If only there was a fairy godmother--or even her friend, Buttons--I'd ask to give me a good-paying steady job, that I'd be good at, of course.

If only there was a magic genie, I ask three things:

1. Make Social Security stop screwing around with the incomes/lives of the low-income disabled.

2. Give America NHS

3. Make it so every politician in the USA has to live on food stamps and public assistance funds for two weeks.

Since I'm unwell today, I thought I'd do something rather light and easy for my blog this morning.

I am rather dreading today, if I didn't need the money so badly, I'd stay home and suffering in peace...but no hope for it, gotta' do the telemarketing thing, so if nothing else, the cats will eat. Going to be a long, tortuous, blinking miserable day for me, though, make no mistake. It honestly feels like someone's taken a sledgehammer to my jaw!

Anyhow, these aren't my best, but here goes:

David Tennant balks when it's announced by the Russell T Davies that his co-star, Freema, is being replaced in this episode, by Bob the Builder.

"And I'm telling you, I am not moving from this spot until you get that moth out of my caravan!"

"You want me to what? Now I have to save England from the Daleks, Cybermen AND the Eurovison voting bloc...isn't that asking a bit too much?"

Well, it's nearly 4 in the morning on this side of the pond, and I would dearly give anything to be sleeping. My bad tooth has gone abscess and the agony of pain is my despair. ..no, the excruciating pain, and knowing there's naught I can do about it. Nothing. I just have to take it. My face is swollen to twice its size and the incessant throbbing is so bad, that it's upsetting my stomach as well, now. And there's nothing I can do. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I've not a dime for cab fare emergency, and certain no money for a dentist--I have no dental coverage any longer, or so I'm told.

I'm trying hard not to cry from the pain--and I have to talk on the phone for the better part of 9 hours today.

Okay. I admit it. To quote Henry: ..."my wages taken, and in my heart some lark singing, let me be gathered to the quiet west, the sundown splendid and serene, Death."

Yeah, if I were walking down the street, and someone tried to mug me at gunpoint--well, I'd let the SOB just shoot me. I'm serious. It hurts that bad. You're not supposed to take more than 1200 mg of ibuprofin a day--I think I've taken 1500 and counting..and a half a bottle of Seagram's cooler.

I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. What other little hand grenades is life going to lob at me now? Isn't it bad enough I can't pay the rent that's due on Sunday? That I have to give up my cats next month? Lose my possession? My phone/internet service? Oh, I forgot, tonight, just before bed, I was walking over the wood threshold between my bedroom and the kitchen, when I got a splinter in my foot--wasn't the splinter, but the wrenching motion--I seem to have re-injured the side of my bad foot, as that hurts like hell as well, tonight, and I can barely hold my weight on it...and I have bad heartburn, besides.

I am thinking it's a damn good thing I don't own a gun, right now. If I were a horse, I'd be shot--but being human, the world just makes me suffer. I'd rather be the horse.

PS DON'T be alarmed! This is just what happens to me at stupid o'clock in the morning when I'm desperately tired and in horrible pain--I start banging my head, verbally. I'm doing what I can--warm salt water rinses and pain meds, and crossing my fingers and hoping I can get through the day without riding the elevator to the 10th floor and jumping (just kidding). There is, sort of, no tenth floor--at least not for us white collar lackeys--it's the maintenance floor and off limits...but if there was...

Tho' my experience of professional standardbred harness racing was strictly county fairs and pony harness racing at a small private country race track as a child--I remember this race on the television news, and clipped his photo from the newspaper-or rather, mum did. I think I was about 8 or 9 years old, at the time.

It wasn't until my early teens, that I stepped foot on the grounds of the raceway.

The great NEVELE PRIDE--one of the best standardbreds--trotter or pacer-- to ever hit a track. In this case, the track was Saratoga Raceway--changed to Saratoga Equine Sports Center in the late 80's, and now known as Saratoga Gaming and Raceway.

(A pacer is a horse that trots both (same two) legs forward on one side, and both (same two) legs back on the opposite side, usually helped by special devices called pacing hopples, but some horses pace naturally, for some unknown reason.

A trotter trots with a diagonal motion--

PACER

TROTTER

Nevele Pride's record in this race was not beaten on this track for four years. The rules and procedures of American harness racing differ from those in Europe. Personally, I think the Europeans have it right. The biggest difference tho', that I'm aware of is that I don't think they have pacers in Europe.

Stanley Dancer was a fantastic driver--one of the best that Saratoga had ever seen. Although 1.56.4 is not quite the unbelievably fast time today, as it was over 35 years ago, it's still not too shabby--and I wonder, if that great horse had access then, to the ultra-lightweight racing sulkies (bikes) and synthetic harness, super fast track and other racing improvements we have today-just how fast he'd really go.

I was recently told that I shouldn't be afraid of succeeding. I am? I mean, just because I'm on the down and out, doesn't equate with my being afraid to succeed. Still...I started to wonder...so I found a test online, that measures how afraid you are of succeeding, on a scale of zero to 100--100 being that you're petrified of succeeding. My score: 20.

Here's my evalutation:

According to your score, you seem to have very little fear of success. It may lurk in the corners of your mind from time to time, but for the most part, you keep it pretty much under control. When opportunities come your way, you rarely hesitate to jump on them, even if this means you’ll be taking on extra responsibilities. When climbing the ladder of success, you tend to forge ahead with little hesitation, giving it your all. Although fear of success may seem like an odd concept, it’s actually fairly common. People who fear success will often sabotage their chances for it and become underachievers. You, however, seem to possess a healthy attitude when it comes to success.

You can find this "success likelihood" test online @:

http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=729

I have been in England--but decided a 3-hour layover inside Heathrow doesn't count, really, as I wasn't visiting, but just stopping by, for a bit . The same holds true for the state of Maryland.

This is where I've been, from the time I was born to January, 2004.

own visited countries map:

vertaling Duits Nederlands

create your own visited states map

create your own visited countries map

Home early from work. My toothache is worse tonight, than it's ever been, and the right side of my face is so swollen, I couldn't talk properly on the phone. Which is no big loss, as I didn't make a single sale--and, in two hours, only talked to three people...no one home, tonight, and the calls were molasses-slow coming in.

The right side of my head feels heavier than the left--odd sensation, that. Guess I can write off eating dinner, then--ah well, good for my figure. Thank heaven's I've got a dozen ibuprofen left--no cash for any tooth pain remedies, and my temporary filling stuff is about done. So, I have some Seagram's cooler before bed, to help me sleep.

I surpassed my sales goal today, so was offered day shift again, tomorrow, thankfully. I'd like to say it's becuase I worked harder, but honestly, tho' I did tailor my approach and manner a bit, really, they were just jumping at me to pay their bills--one of those freakishly lovely days when you get good calls all day--happens about once every couple of months.

So more in my pay than I had anticipated--not enough to save me, but it will help stave the nightmarish inevitable from happening. Losing three homes in a bit over a year--I can only shake my head and wonder how I ever thought things would get better. Yeah. Nice try. I don't want to lose my cats--really, they're the only family I have left, for all intents and purposes. They are so happy here. It hurts worse than anyone reading this can possibly imagine, makes my severe toothache seem like nothing at all--and sometimes I think all this year and a half of constant pain and hardship is just going to eat me alive--hence, the breakfast metaphor in the other post.

Incidentally, no. I don't have anywhere to go--I love my sister, but firstly, she lives on top of a mountain in Vermont--so I'd literally be stuck there, with nowhere to go, and, more importantly, we love each other but otherwise are virtually total strangers. And, our moral, political and other differences are so wide apart, that quite literally, the only safe subjects we can talk about are gardening, and the weather. No joke, really. She's ultra-conservative, bigoted, right-wing. I'm a far-left, open-minded and liberal. Living examples of oil and water.

I'm told, as well, that neither government or charity services can't assist me, until I'm actually legally homeless. Nice, ey?

So, I can say that I'm doing my best to keep from just...well..and trying to survive what to me, is the #1 worst thing in the world that can ever possibly happen--I have to do this physically alone, with no human comfort here. My only comfort is my cats and my handful of internet buddies and a few close friends that I've never even met, and a bit of Dr Who, now and then. And, that's enough, for now. It has to be.

I can't be upbeat and positive--I'm not Mary Poppins or Superwoman, for God's sake! I've had nothing but pain and hardship for over a year--rarely a let up of more than a month or so--and it has, and is, taking it's toll on me. I'm only human. That said, I am trying, very hard, to stay sane and stable, and not do what I most want to do (I'd be lying, if I said otherwise), and just give in and give up. I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do.

Not to belittle others who are down--honest I'm not, but...this isn't a depression over not getting to go on vacation (holiday), or not getting to go to the pub with my friends. This isn't about not getting those hot new designer shoes, or that someone is prettier than me, or that I can't get a date, or that the dinner party didn't go as planned, or get what I wanted for birthday/Christmas, or that rain kept me from playing my favourite sport.

This is like being told that you are definitely going to die in three months. This is like having your foot caught on a train track with the express roaring down on you. This is being trapped in an elevator (lift) while the building is on fire. This is being told you are going to spend the rest of your life strapped into a bed with feeding tubes running into you. This is, for all intents and purposes, like a slow-motion emotional rape. This is your life--everything you hold dear, and that makes life worth living--being stripped from you. Molly bar the door, it's too wet to plow.