Beauty Outside, inside...not so much

Well, it's a lovely spring day outside, not a cloud in the sky, sun shining, birds probably singing, nice cobalt blue sky.

It's the sort of early spring day that I used to treasure.

But...I don't want to go out. I don't want to do anything, but lie in bed, moping. I hate that.

I spent most of this morning, pursing the want ads, yet again. Nothing. I was told there was an opening for a librarian at Queensbury Elementary. Yeah. They want a min. of 1 year experience (got 17 yrs, so that's okay)--but, they also want 2 reccomendations--well, mum's dead--as are are all three of her assistants and her friend at the library federation as well, and I don't know any other librarians, anymore. And they want my college transcripts--and you have to have a 4 year degree! I rang up the school, just now, and inquired about that--told the lady (who was rather snotty) that I had 17 years hands-on experience, and a 2 year degree--but wasn't able to get library reccomendations due to the fact that none of them were still among the living--would they take some other sort of reccomendation? Well, you think I'd asked the woman to show me her knickers! My God! She was so mean and nasty...I had to have a four year degree, plus a masters in library science--apparently 17 years experience is meaningless in New York state, without that precious degree--and I must have 2 reccomentaions from other librarians!

Well, screw that. I moved on, called about a position at the local newspaper. You had to have Quark Express and Excel skills--okay, me an Excel--with my dyscalculia--not going to happen. I've tried to learn Excel so many times--just not. No. And Quark--what the hell is that? I know it's some kind of printing/publishing software, but beyond that, ????

Sadly, writing skills are at the bottom of the list, when it comes to jobs in my part of America. Reading and writing aren't important in America, half as much as knowledge of computer programmes (lots of them) and math skills. We're a full bore, all out, capitalist nation, and things like writing well...not so important as math and computers..and there's so much I don't know, and am not mentally equipped to learn, quite frankly.

I've applied 7 times for a position at the Glens Fall Hospital laundry and housekeeping departments, but get turned down every time. I suspect, even tho' it's illegal, they likely have seen that I've been a former behavioral health outpatient and are steering clear of me. They hired this teenager from our office--who had no experience--but they won't even give me--who's done laundry and cleaning---a first glance.

There is an opening for a cashier at Aldi's---but it's 10 dollars a day by cab to get there, and I have dyscalculia--and numerophobia! I may apply for it anyway, as it pays 10 dollars an hour. What've I got to lose?

But I so am discouraged.

Even my recreation is being taken from me. I posted to things to an Dr Who site last night--and neither one is there this morning! Either deleted or moved, with no notice given...why bother spending half an hour doing something, only to have it chucked out? Nuts to that, I say. I quit. Move on to something else...stick to computer cribbage, ey? Doctor Who can live without me.

And I've got a cut in hours, next week, my 689 dollar loss of income April 1st, my student lenders threatening to take my already meager salary, and social security making me pay back the three 689 dollar payments...I just don't see the point of even trying, anymore. Hope is dead to me. I have no future now--my life is just a smoking ruin. I feel like a total wash-out as a person. What chance do I have?

I look at myself, and I see no chance at all. None. What good am I, as a worker? I guess my former boss was right, I am a bottom-feeder--an expendable drudge laborer, easily replaced, with no chance of advancement, not ever. No real marketable skills, nothing...and with outstanding loans and rotten credit (and American businesses do check your credit rating before they hire you)..no chance at all.

The trouble is, I do see my future--and it's scaring the hell out of me.

That's my reality.