It's nearly five in the morning, I've been up for about an hour. I'm so worried sick over things, that sleep is impossible.
I am in the place, I so very often spent most of 2006 in...worrying about making the rent, paying the electric bill, keeping my precious internet service...having enough to eat...it's happening all over again.
And, quite frankly, I am swiftly running out of strength. I don't know if I can endure yet another year of fear and insecurity and uncertinty. I hate my life, I hate me. Living is such a nightmare.
I don't know. It hurts so bad inside, some days I just don't know how to cope with it all. I ran into a former classmate from my broadcasting class. She was working at WalMart. Said her degree proved useless in our area. She's going back to school to be a teacher. I just don't have that option. I'm 46. I am barely going to be able to make ends meet.
I did manage to get a little vacuum on sale today, for 23 dollars...hated spending the money, but with my injury making sweeping the carpets so painful, and the cat's shedding--no choice. Had to have one...even a cheezy one. I thought I'd have to spend 40--but did the math and decided that under 30 was the max I could handle--what with cab fare and other needed items to add to that.
I don't know. All I wanted, since I turned 40, was to do something I was good at, and hopefully could make a living at, as well. Now--I don't know. I've only had one job I've truly loved in my life--working with horses--tho' I liked working in the library, as well--tho' I never got paid for that...unless you count mum treating me to pizza, on Saturdays.
I wish I could sleep, but I'm too agitated. I'm scared about my so-called future, and I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of losing more things from my life--there's not much more left for me to lose tho--except my few remaining possessions and the three cats. Everything else is just plain gone.
I wish I could be anywhere else but here.
Hey, mate,
I know I can't be on here much for the next few days, but still thinking of you
*hugs*
Gary xx