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Posts archive for: March, 2007
  • Bow to the Empire, Jersey Cow!

    About the only thing that's helping me to keep going, these days, is humor.

    Oh, I'm no comic, I'm not even all that funny...but, I don't let that stop me. And, sometimes, telemarketing has its..erm...moments.

    The other day, I called a bunch of idiots. Yep, I called Texas, Kentucky and New Jersey!

    To try to butter her up to maybe make a sale, I told this person from Jersey that New Jersey is a nice state (yeah, if you like chemical plants and violent gangs)...and she got all huffy with me and said, "It's not New Jersey!"

    Ummm---did they rename it recentlY? New Jerksy? Chav-land? That Really Boring State Next to New York City?

    Anyway, I got my answer from the woman on the phone. This yuppie woman virtually yelled at me, all snotty like, "It's called 'The Garden State'!"

    Yeah, what wild optimist named it that??? I mean, have you ever seen New Jersey? I suppose there are nice bits--but I've never seen them. I think they preserve the nice bits under glass and trot them out whenever they see a tourist passing by.

    Anyhow, I had the overwhelming urge to say back to this woman, "OH YEAH?!? Well I live in friggin' New York--'The EMPIRE State'! Kneel and bow to the Empire you Jersey cow!"


    New York City skyline
    New York's southern Lake Champlain valley (my neck o' the woods)

    In the past, I've rung up people with funny names--and I'm sorry, but some of these are going to be a bit..well..rude. They are real people's names, I assure you, and it can get quite awkward, sometimes, trying to say the name--and also to verbally keep a straight face.

    Harry Balz, Joe Killer, Fred Rockstone (that's for you American cartoon fans), a Mrs. Fux, Harry Bottoms, and, for you Doctor Who fans, yes, I really did call a lady named Roseanne Dokter...cool. And, Wednesday, got to call a Martha Kunt, and a Louisa Parisa...geez, ministers must have a heck of a time, sometimes, at wedding ceremonies...

  • Lost pay, Ramen noodles, a barking Basset and Dr Who


    An old Vermont graveyard, March 2006.

    Well, my weekend supervisor says not to worry about coming in today, as it's the last day of a sales campaign, and there's not many calls being made, from the dregs of the list and all that...the good news is, (sort of), that I won't be laid off for two or three days, without pay, as planned--but will be switched to nights for Monday and Tues day--still means a 7 day work week, Mon-Sun. (I was getting Monday's off, before.) But night shift (5 or 6 pm to 10 pm) is better than no work at all. If I spend less than 40 dollars of this week's pay, and do the same next week--I may make the internet and rent...dunno'. May have to lose my internet--my only lifeline to the outside world and only real entertainment--soon. I'd hate that. I get to watch old Dr Who movies, on that...saw Curse of Fenric--brilliant! And David Tennant and Catherine Tate's CR sketch a zillion times--makes me laugh every single time..and don't I need the laughs right now?

    So, I lost another two or three hours pay--I don't get sick pay, and have not much in the way of hospital insurance and prescription coverage--the ER visit yesterday is going to leave me in a hole, financially--and I'm already in a financial hole--only now it's more like a deep dark pit of dispair. The govt. is going to take my pay checks soon, and then I...I don't know. I pray that the mental health advocate can help me, and soon. My food budget has just gone into the crapper, as well--back to Ramen noodles, hot dogs and beans on toast next week, I guess. I was hoping never to have to be in that place, again.

    Trying to cook is hell. I almost fell into the hot cooker, this morning, as I'm not too steady on my crutches, and the old vinyl floors in the kitchen are rather slick walking--even dry. But, I've not much of an appetite, at the moment, anyhow. Eh, I need to lose a few pounds, anyway.

    The pain in my foot last night--on a scale of 1 to 10 was about a 9. I was in tears a few times. But today, it's mostly just a big burning ache...which is tolerable. Hurts like hell getting up and down, tho'....this is really where I miss having someone around. My sister says, "oh that's too bad." But has no intention of driving up here from her mountaintop home in southern Vermont, to assist me, in any way. Too busy, she says...but she doesn't work, and her partner's 15 year old daughter is away for the weekend...so I'm not sure what that's all about. Ah well, it's about what I expect. My sister and I are virtually strangers...in fact sis hasn't rung me up since New Year's day--and then only to tell me her partner's mother had passed on.

    And...I am stuck at home, to boot. No tele, no one to talk to, just me, the cats and the internet. I may go to the store, later--I used the last tin of cat food, and I'm running out of Motrin for my pain. Had to take three last night--the bottle says take only one, but my prescription says I can take 600mg, and so, it's basically the same dose.

    The blasted basset hound in the next apartment is being encouraged to bark by his drunken owner, again--all morning long. He was at it around 1am last night, as well. He's not a bad guy, just a few fries short of a Happy Meal, that's all.

    So, here I am, bored and in pain and lonely--what to do? I pull out my half-finished naff old Doctor Who stories and play about with them--only, I got side-tracked by an idea, and went off and started a whole new story...not very good--I like writing dialog, but I totally suck at writing plots--all those writing classes, and I never once studied how to write a fiction story...and I'm afraid it shows, quite frankly. Anyway, I started this story...may finish it, I dunno'. Wrote a handful of short paragraphs this morning:

    Martha looked over at the Doctor, standing beside the console. His face, in the green glow of the column, seemed creased with worry. “What is it, Doctor?” She asked. He looked up at her, and for an instant, she caught a glimpse of the fear in his eyes. Then it was gone, replaced by that boyish grin she was coming to know so well.

    “What’s What?” He asked innocently--too innocently. “Oh come on,” she chided, “there’s something wrong, and you don’t want me to know about it, is that it? I’m a big girl, Doctor. If I can face the Judoon on the moon, alien Elizabethan witches and Daleks during the depression, what more is there to be afraid of?”

    For just a moment, the Doctor simply looked at her. In the space of his heartbeats, the Doctor’s eyes became suddenly filled with a seemingly infinite emptiness…then, it was gone. “Right, then!” He shouted. Let’s see just how scary, scary can be, eh?” He looked at Martha, and she almost shivered--his look for once, seemed alien and…almost insane. “You aren’t scared of being scared, are you, Martha? You humans love being scared: horror movies, roller coasters, bungee jumping, the deep South, Edgar Allen Poe--now there was a genius-- the Spice Girls…”

    Throwing off his melancholy like he would toss aside his long coat, the Doctor began playing his hands over the console switches with a flourish, muttering to himself in some language Martha had never heard before--it sounded almost like he was swearing under his breath--and enjoying it.

    Suddenly, the Tardis gave a great lurch, throwing Martha against the control room’s metal railing. The Doctor merely griped the edge of the console with one hand, and aimed the sonic screwdriver at some part, with his other hand. With a sonic buzzing, the screwdriver served to help the Tardis right herself.

    “Doctor!” Martha exclaimed, “Did you ever have to pass some kind of a driving test for this thing, or do you just make it up as you go along?” The Doctor was staring at his view screen intently and didn’t answer.

  • Oh pain and misery!

    Well, going to keep this short.

    This morning, the landlord and his prospective buyers (one assumes) were to do a walk-through of the apartments in the building--well and good--except moi hadn't washed or Hoovered her floors in nearly two weeks. I'd just been sweeping the kitchen floor, that's all. Well, last night, I had meant to do that, but was busy, during my lunch break, trying to look for jobs, and trying to make some calls--and by the time I got home, Thursday night from work, I was really knackered...just did the washing up and sorted some laundry for Saturday's trip (now postponed 'till Monday) to the laundromat. Guess I should have made the time to do the floors.

    The start time at work had be shifted up to 11am, and the walk-through was at 10, supposedly--they never did show up, at least, as far as I know. So, after quickly vacuuming the front sitting room, and my bedroom, I shifted to the kitchen and bath. Did a quick damp mop, ran a rag over the counters...went to go back into the front room, to pull a shirt out of the closet there...and took a header on the kitchen floor. My God! It hurt like hell! I felt something actually snap in two---turns out it wasn't a bone, thank God. After working the phones at work 3 hours, I found, when I went to use the loo, that walking was no longer an option--sent to the ER by the supervisor--who kept looking at me as if I was mad for even coming in to work at all----and bob's yer uncle, I went out of the office on a stretcher.

    Seems I very much may have ripped the hell out of some ligament(s) and/or tendon(s)...and got as bad a sprain as I've ever had (makes #7 for the feet/ankle area)...same foot with a permanantly distorted ankle, from a bad sprain 8 years ago.

    Well, I'm up the ol' brown creek with out a paddle--and a leaky canoe, as well.

    I'm in agonizing pain--just the simple act of turning over in bed, or walking through the kitchen to the loo, is sheer torture.

    I have to go up my two flights of stairs on my bum---found out the stairs are too narrow for my crutches--which I don't use very well, as I'm still recovering from the mild sprain to my left knee and ankle from my fall in the blizzard, 16th of March.

    As if my life isn't already becoming a living hell--now I've this to contend with. cooking for myself, laundry, shopping, banking--it's all going to be hell. And, to make matters worse, because of the cut in hours--I'm now going to have to go back to working 7 days a week. Not much chance of a rest, for me. I can't take out the rubbish, I'll have to pay someone to do it--have to pay 6 dollars or more a day, for a cab, can't afford the pain meds the ER doc prescribed to me, can't afford the orthopedist--or the cab fare there, since he's moved to the suburbs. I've still the Soc. Sec.thing and student loans to take care of, and now, seeing about getting that assembly line job--the one that pays 13 dollars an hour, full time, with benefits and pension--is completely out of the question.

    And, I can't see the new Doctor Who--least of my worries, I know, but...it's the one thing that really gives me something to look forward to--well, that and "talking" with my few friends.

    Life is fast becoming untenable, for me. How can I not see myself as a loser? How can I not feel down? How long can I keep this up, and still retain some semblance of sanity?

    There's no answering that question, I suppose.

  • So, I'm a bit like a scene in Dr Who Series 3 these days


    Warning: Series 3 spoiler.

    So, I guess, when all is said and done, the last few days, I've been a bit like Captain Jack in an upcoming Dr Who episode.

    He sees the Tardis, runs for it, grabs on to it as it de-materializes, and hangs on for dear life as it plunges into the space-time vortex, screaming at the top of his lungs in agony. Yeah, that would be me, right now--only my votex is my future, as I see it.

    I'm stuck. I mean, like I'm cemented in place. All I can do is try to ride out a storm that is promising to become a major gale--and I'm stark naked in the middle of a barren field (okay, not a pretty picture, sorry).

    It's spring, I should be light and happy. I should be out and about, humming, checking out the scenery, enjoying the sunshine--but, no. I can't. I feel like life is just crushing me into dust.

    I would give anything just to pack up the cats, some of my possessions, and just get the heck out of here. Yeah, but I'd be just carrying my problems with me. I'm not going to get a good-paying job to get me out of this dark pit of debt and despair, not going to win the lottery...just have to ride it out, and hope it doesn't crush me completely.

  • Beauty Outside, inside...not so much

    Well, it's a lovely spring day outside, not a cloud in the sky, sun shining, birds probably singing, nice cobalt blue sky.

    It's the sort of early spring day that I used to treasure.

    But...I don't want to go out. I don't want to do anything, but lie in bed, moping. I hate that.

    I spent most of this morning, pursing the want ads, yet again. Nothing. I was told there was an opening for a librarian at Queensbury Elementary. Yeah. They want a min. of 1 year experience (got 17 yrs, so that's okay)--but, they also want 2 reccomendations--well, mum's dead--as are are all three of her assistants and her friend at the library federation as well, and I don't know any other librarians, anymore. And they want my college transcripts--and you have to have a 4 year degree! I rang up the school, just now, and inquired about that--told the lady (who was rather snotty) that I had 17 years hands-on experience, and a 2 year degree--but wasn't able to get library reccomendations due to the fact that none of them were still among the living--would they take some other sort of reccomendation? Well, you think I'd asked the woman to show me her knickers! My God! She was so mean and nasty...I had to have a four year degree, plus a masters in library science--apparently 17 years experience is meaningless in New York state, without that precious degree--and I must have 2 reccomentaions from other librarians!

    Well, screw that. I moved on, called about a position at the local newspaper. You had to have Quark Express and Excel skills--okay, me an Excel--with my dyscalculia--not going to happen. I've tried to learn Excel so many times--just not. No. And Quark--what the hell is that? I know it's some kind of printing/publishing software, but beyond that, ????

    Sadly, writing skills are at the bottom of the list, when it comes to jobs in my part of America. Reading and writing aren't important in America, half as much as knowledge of computer programmes (lots of them) and math skills. We're a full bore, all out, capitalist nation, and things like writing well...not so important as math and computers..and there's so much I don't know, and am not mentally equipped to learn, quite frankly.

    I've applied 7 times for a position at the Glens Fall Hospital laundry and housekeeping departments, but get turned down every time. I suspect, even tho' it's illegal, they likely have seen that I've been a former behavioral health outpatient and are steering clear of me. They hired this teenager from our office--who had no experience--but they won't even give me--who's done laundry and cleaning---a first glance.

    There is an opening for a cashier at Aldi's---but it's 10 dollars a day by cab to get there, and I have dyscalculia--and numerophobia! I may apply for it anyway, as it pays 10 dollars an hour. What've I got to lose?

    But I so am discouraged.

    Even my recreation is being taken from me. I posted to things to an Dr Who site last night--and neither one is there this morning! Either deleted or moved, with no notice given...why bother spending half an hour doing something, only to have it chucked out? Nuts to that, I say. I quit. Move on to something else...stick to computer cribbage, ey? Doctor Who can live without me.

    And I've got a cut in hours, next week, my 689 dollar loss of income April 1st, my student lenders threatening to take my already meager salary, and social security making me pay back the three 689 dollar payments...I just don't see the point of even trying, anymore. Hope is dead to me. I have no future now--my life is just a smoking ruin. I feel like a total wash-out as a person. What chance do I have?

    I look at myself, and I see no chance at all. None. What good am I, as a worker? I guess my former boss was right, I am a bottom-feeder--an expendable drudge laborer, easily replaced, with no chance of advancement, not ever. No real marketable skills, nothing...and with outstanding loans and rotten credit (and American businesses do check your credit rating before they hire you)..no chance at all.

    The trouble is, I do see my future--and it's scaring the hell out of me.

    That's my reality.

  • Living in Purgatory

    Well, I'm not doing so hot, today...got yet more bad news heaped on me--cutting back my hours again--they just rang me up and changed my schedule on Monday, for Tues thru Sun--now they're changing it yet again, starting tomorrow! And I may not be working much at all, next week--no clue--I don't really mind having my schedule messed about with--as long as I get a decent pay cheque (as in able to pay the rent and bills and buy food), but...I don't know. Things aren't looking good for me.

    I'm NOT sucicidal, okay? But, that said, I'm not much wanting to see old age, either. I'm stuck in a living Purgatory. I've been looking and looking for another job--there just isn't anything! I don't have great computer skills, I suck at anything to do with numbers, most good-paying jobs are too costly to travel to, or just plain too far away. there's...just...nothing. A few low-wage part-time jobs...I already have that, thanks. I mean, I'm not crabbing about getting 9 dollars an hour--but working part-time, it's not great. And my hours are so crazy...how can I work a second job and still keep this one?

    The situation is...just untenable. I don't know what to do...except cry. And just keep living, from day to day, whatever happens. But sometimes, I do envy my mum. I hate to say that, but I'd be lying if I said different. She's got her peace, now. What I wouldn't give for some peace again. Just one more time...but...no. No point wishing for what's gone.

    Ah, I don't want anyone thinking I'm out for sympathy...heck, I'm too painfully aware of the fact that there's people--all over the world---worse off than me. It's just hurts so much inside, sometimes, that I'd give anything, anything in the world, just to make it stop.

    Honestly, tho', I really am trying to hang in there, through this, and keep my sense of humor--it's really the only thing left to me, now. It's just that some days it's really rough dealing with all this crap alone--I really, really miss mum. I miss being hugged and having the occaisional shoulder to cry on. It's hard. It's really hard, some days.

    Northeastern NY landscape scene, late March.

  • My Life as an Amusement Park Ride


    Painting depicting "Early Spring," in nearby Vermont.

    I do so want to thank those friends--and new folks, as well, for your very kind thoughts and wishes during this trying time.

    I am afraid that's the way it's going to be, for a while, with me. I have my good--well, really more like "okay" days--where I'm somewhat on a level flooring, and days where I'm sort of down in the old sub-basement again. I wish I wasn't like this, but, no much I can do.

    I suppose I should be on anti-depressants or something, but simply can't afford them, right now--and can't afford the co-pay at the doctor's--or the cab fare to get there. Every cent I've saved, now has to go towards my rent, with this big reduction of income.

    But, I'm trying...it's just that some days, lately, it's much harder to "try," than others. And, for some reason I'm not sure of, suddenly I'm grieving for my mum again. That was a bit unexpected. It may be the way I'm feeling, or my loneliness, or...I don't know, something going on inside me, that I"m not quite aware of.

    Sometimes--well, a whole lot, this past year--my life is a bit like some of the amusement park rides, that I used to run for Six Flags/Great Escape. (pictured)

    Full of ups and downs, corkscrews and...like the Condor (pic above)...sometimes gets stuck in mid-air! Sometimes it goes round in circles, and sometimes it just floats merrily along.

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  • The nightmare continues

    It's nearly five in the morning, I've been up for about an hour. I'm so worried sick over things, that sleep is impossible.

    I am in the place, I so very often spent most of 2006 in...worrying about making the rent, paying the electric bill, keeping my precious internet service...having enough to eat...it's happening all over again.

    And, quite frankly, I am swiftly running out of strength. I don't know if I can endure yet another year of fear and insecurity and uncertinty. I hate my life, I hate me. Living is such a nightmare.

    I don't know. It hurts so bad inside, some days I just don't know how to cope with it all. I ran into a former classmate from my broadcasting class. She was working at WalMart. Said her degree proved useless in our area. She's going back to school to be a teacher. I just don't have that option. I'm 46. I am barely going to be able to make ends meet.

    I did manage to get a little vacuum on sale today, for 23 dollars...hated spending the money, but with my injury making sweeping the carpets so painful, and the cat's shedding--no choice. Had to have one...even a cheezy one. I thought I'd have to spend 40--but did the math and decided that under 30 was the max I could handle--what with cab fare and other needed items to add to that.

    I don't know. All I wanted, since I turned 40, was to do something I was good at, and hopefully could make a living at, as well. Now--I don't know. I've only had one job I've truly loved in my life--working with horses--tho' I liked working in the library, as well--tho' I never got paid for that...unless you count mum treating me to pizza, on Saturdays.

    I wish I could sleep, but I'm too agitated. I'm scared about my so-called future, and I'm scared of being alone, and I'm scared of losing more things from my life--there's not much more left for me to lose tho--except my few remaining possessions and the three cats. Everything else is just plain gone.

    I wish I could be anywhere else but here.

  • Street Tough Girl VS Nature Girl

    I can't get the thought of "Raccoon Pie" out of my head--it brings back some memories, let me tell you--oh, not the pie--bleck!

    No, I'm remembering the raccoon's around our house, when I was a youngster.

    My sister, ah...she was always street smart--which is saying something, as we grew up on a quiet dead-end street.

    And I do mean, QUIET. It was bordered on the north by fields and the Catholic cemetery (there were three, all told in our area, all joined together, St. Agnes, Albany Rural, and Beth Empth, encompassing approx. 500 acres.) Our street was bordered on the east by more cemetery, a huge vacant lot (now a cemetery), and the Delaware and Hudson rail tracks. On the South, it was borded by State Route 378--built up onto a steep hill--the "hill" being virtually more like a wall of grass, rising out of the valley, with a four-lane divided highway on top of it--which pretty much cut us off from the rest of the village proper. To the west--more fields and trees--and a few of homes of the local "old money."

    Anyway, early on, sis developed this street-tough attitude. Which is odd, but,then sis is a bit...odd. She likes Rush Limbaugh and kisses the ground George W. Bush walks on--need I say more? She started a big grass fire at 11, ran away from home--was gone nearly a year-- at 12, dropped out of school at 14, had her first baby at 14, got married at 17, divorced at 19, hit the road with a trucker at 20...and the list goes on...a couple of years back, she got mad at her partner and fired a gun into the caravan where they were living--he wasn't home at the time, but she was arrested , anyway. When she drove a cab, she argued with a robber and got knifed, and one time mum and I took her and my then 5 year old nephew out for the day to a zoo, and sis had crack withdrawls on the way home, and tried to beat me up (one time she succeeded) and then, tried to jump out of the car while I was driving it down a mountain road--taking her son with her--sis was..and in some small way, still is...a trip and a half.

    Why am I mentioning all this, you are wondering, perhaps...and what does all this have to do with raccoons?

    Well, one time, we were all sitting 'round the living room, one summer night. I'd just taken out the garbage (rubbish), when I heard a bang, coming from outside, around our mailbox down by the road. Well, I wasn't going out there! (I was a big coward, as a kid.) So, sis was ordered by my dad to check it out. She went down there--one can was tipped over. Sis bent over to righten it--and let out the biggest shriek, I've ever heard a girl give--it was a bit like Mel, the 7th Doctor's companion--a realy girly terror scream--straight out of a sci-fi movie! I think she broke the land-speed record, bolting back into the house! Seems she bent over to pick up the garbage--and a huge raccoon popped its head out at here!

    Now, unless they're rapid, raccoons are mostly harmless--highly curious, but sort of friendly-I mean, they're kind of laid back and mellow, really, so they aren't usually aggressive.

    Now me, I'm nature-girl, the tree-hugger. I've gotten muddy, stuck with burrs, snowed on, rained on, whatever. I've spent hours observing birds and wildlife and such. I've had my surprises over the years--sudden flights of birds--great blue heron, pheasant--very startling!, fox, coyote, in Yellowstone--moose, buffalo, bull elk. So, yeah, it can startle you--but really, don't think I ever screamed like a little girl. Well, maybe with the moose--that really was a close shave, that time...as in a really could have been killed, close.

    Anyway, now that sis is living on top of a mountain in Vermont---she's all, "gee whiz" about animals. And I humor her--but I've been "gee whiz" about that stuff, for about 40 years or so--seems weird, to hear my citified sister casually talk about the black bear that hangs out near her driveway, teasing her five dogs chained up in the yard. Still, she refuses to go out there whenever there's a wild animal around--she stays inside a lot. And she HATES the raccoons!

  • Cheered Up by the Mad Priests & Strange Recipes

    Well, wasn't feeling well when I got home. Took some antacid but still a bit woozy. No clue why, as I'd not had much to eat today. Anyhow, I was still a bit stressed, so I surfed to see what I could find on the web, to cheer me up a bit.

    This is what I found. Gales of laughter--well, during certain bits, anyhow.

    So, I'm sitting here, sneezing. I've a closet in my front sitting room, and it's against the outside brick wall, and has an atmosphere more akin to a cellar--so, always rather chilly in there--which is why, on cold winter days, I had to take my clothes out of there early on in the morning, so they'd warm up a bit before I put them on. But every single time I open the door, in very short order, I begin sneezing...and sneezing. I reckon we might have a bit of a mold problem in there, or something. I have few allergies, but it seems I've developed something entirely new...or am encountering something I've never done before. Not that is bothers me much, just a mild annoyance--hard to type when your eyes keep watering.

    I wanted to find an old sandwich recipe that my late mum used to make--thought it might be in her old Meda Givens cookbook, that she got as a wedding gift, back in 1950. It's quite a read, for us modern cooks. It was geared to the country cook, partially.

    Nowadays, you want a chicken, or different cuts of chicken, most people just go to the supermarket or butchers. This book tells you to "pluck and singe" the chicken, before each chicken recipe.

    Some of the odder recipes, I will list below:

    SANDWICHES:

    Bologna Frech Toast sandwiches (I kid you not.)
    Peanut butter and watercress.
    Toasted ham and banana
    Ham and tuna fish
    Sardines with peas and tomato sauce (served open face on toast)
    cucumber, onion and pickle
    Hot prune sandwiches (ummm--you could serve this to your gran, I suppose.)
    parsley butter sandwich

    SALADS:
    Pear salad with peanut butter dressing
    Fruit salad with sour cream and olive dressing
    Tomatoes stuffed with kidney beans
    Molded prune salad
    tomato-anchovy salad
    Peach, prune and cottage cheese salad
    apple, turnip and celery salad
    Hot baked beans and sauerkraut salad--and you'd better leave the windows open if you serve this one.

    MISC.
    Opossum and Sweet potatoes
    Muskrat Fricasse
    Roast beaver
    "Ding's" Raccoon pie (I kid you not)
    Squirrel pot pie--hey, a squirrel misses that high tree limb in your back yard--dinner!
    Woodchuck pie

    FISH:

    Codfish balls (Okay, not going there)
    French-fried frogs legs (try saying that three times fast)
    Tuna fish and eggs ala king

    DESSERTs:
    Orange-buttermilk jelly
    Broiled grapefruit
    Vanilla ice cream with orange-prune sauce
    Chop Suey Sundae: Chopped chopped prunes, peaches and dates cooked in syrup and served over vanilla ice cream.
    prune ice cream (oh, bet that was a big hit)
    mincemeat ice cream
    avacado ice cream
    baked prune pudding (no need for laxitives with these old time recipes, ey?)
    corn flake kisses (cookies/biscuits)

    There's more...but don't get me wrong--there's also some wonderful old-time recipes in there, as well--especially the desserts. Today's gourmets haven't really invented anything that's truly new--it's all been done already, for the most part, anyhow, one way or another.

  • Back to the old grind, tomorrow

    So, starting tomorrow, I'll have yet another funky new work schedule---not that I mind--over the years I've worked weird hours, long hours, 7 days a week, 1 day a week...my weekly pay checques have ranged, in the past 12 months, from 22 dollars to 367 dollars (halve that for pounds)--the weird thing is...those two pay cheques that I got this year (both this summer), represent both the lowest week's wages, and the highest week's wages, that I've had, in the past 25 years.

    My new hours: Tues-Fri. 9-2 and 6-8, Sat. 2-4pm, and Sunday 2-7pm. Funky, ey? Still have all day Monday, off--if I want it, I'm told. Told them I'd think about it.

    Ah well. Doesn't leave much room to get a second job tho', I must confess. Still I've been bringing home a 172 dollar weekly pay cheque lately, so going from 22 to 35 hours will be a big help--especially in light of my 689 dollar loss of monthly income in April that I hadn't planned on--and the 3 689 dollar pay cheques the govt. is threatening to make me pay back. Man, I hate being a poor American, I hate it so much. I would give anything to be a citizen of another country.

    Social Security is refusing to even discuss my case--and won't even tell me how the hell I'm supposed to pay them back. The mental health advocates office is constantly busy--or, I get an answering machine and they've yet to return my messages. I'm scared and deeply depressed over this--but trying to "maintain" through a combination of humor, loving the cats, and a healthy dose of Dr. Who. It's all I've got, so I must make the most of it.

    I had treated a co-worker, a few weeks ago, to a soda--and Sunday, she returned the favour by bringing me some Starbucks coffee. Nice gesture--but...yech!!! You call that coffee? Well...overpriced coffee, at any rate. I am a die-hard Green Mountain Roasters user--and sometimes, Paul Delima, a commercial blend that's also available at the local convenient store, under the store's own name. I'm very picky about my coffee--I like it smooth. Starbuck's is far to bitter, for my taste--and way, way too expensive! I pay 75 cents to $1.25 for coffee, most places--Starbucks is almost $2--or more, depending on what you get. I can get a bag of freshly ground Green Mountain coffee for 6 dollars at WalMart's and get 10 to 12 cups out of it. Green Mountain Caramel vanilla creme--yummmy!
    I want to try their their other flavored coffees: chocolate raspberry truffle, mocha nut fudge, hazelnut cream, toasted almond, southern pecan..ummmm!

    Well, I'm off to WalMarts...yuck! Have to get cat food and look at vacuums--the carpet sweeper just isn't working well, now that the cat's are shedding--and with my bad foot/leg, sweeping the rug with a broom, I've found, is just a wee bit more painful than I'd like it to be. I can't afford a vacuum--but I can't not afford it, either, unfortunately.

    Well now, that's different.

    Right after I saved this entry, I happened to glance at the GoogleAds box..."Tickets to Heaven and Hell. You have to buy tickets, now? I'm screwed. Stuck in the grave or Purgatory, for me--knowing my luck, Hell will be the cheap seats, and Heaven will be full of rich neo-conservative Republicans.

    I'm guess they're a band of some sort--or a stage play, maybe? Never heard of it. Still, it took me aback, for a moment, seeing that ad.

  • Trying to feel better: Dr Who jokes

    well, to make myself get up and boogie today, I tried thinking of my favourite Dr Who jokes and lines from the show.

    Having discovered that Davros, using protein derived from dead bodies on his Funeral Planet, is supplying food to a starving galaxy)

    The Doctor: Didn't you bother to tell them that they might be eating their relatives?/ Davros: That might create what I believe is called 'Consumer Resistance.'

    Q:

    What goes bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud, bang, thud?

    A:
    A Time Lord committing suicide.

    EVIL ALIEN (TO THE DOCTOR) "Who are you?"

    DR: "That's right."

    EA: What's right?

    DR: No, 'Who's right."

    EA: Who's right?

    DR: Yes. Precisely.

    EA: What?

    DR; Who!

    EA: I asked you who you are!

    DR: Yes, I believe we've covered that already.

    EA: Covered What?

    DR: No, it's 'Who'. Who! I'm not Dr. Watt!

    EA: Doctor What?

    DR: Doctor Who!!! Oh hell, where's K-9?

    K-9: I am here, mas-ter.

    EA: Who's K-9???

    DR: Oh let's not go there. K-9? Zap him for me, will you? There's a good dog.

    K-9: *ZAP!*

    DR: No second chances.

  • Tough Monday: A depressing post about depression.

    Monday. My "day off." Yeah, right. I'm so incredibly down today. All I want to do, is lie in bed and sleep--or just not do anything. I am so frightened about what's going to happen to me--I'm in such an incredibly bad place right now--I am struggling just to help myself--I don't want to do anything but find a hole, crawl in and shut the cover for good.

    I hate feeling that way.

    Got a call from my only real close "local" friend, and she seemed agitated with me, for seeming so down--of course, I didn't tell her what was making me seem down--she is very, very uncomfortable with the notion of depression--and she rang off with a terse, "I'll call you some time, maybe."

    I miss my mum. I miss having someone around--anyone. But, maybe it's for the best. Who wants to be around a depressed person? Anybody? No.

    I've a lot to do, today, but no ambition to do it. Oh, I'll do it--some of it--anyhow, but..don't want do. I want desperately to quit and give up--but I won't. Too stupid to know when to just hang it up and let reality steam roll me and get it over with.

    I wish I had something to hope for, to hold on to...but...I don't. I've got a few good friends overseas, and my Dr. Who, and the cat's...and nothing else. It will have to be enough. But, sadly, right now, it's not. There's a great whooping space in my life, and I can't fill it. I don't think I ever will.

  • Hang-ups and David "Disco" Tennant?

    Well, today was pretty much the way I'd thought it'd be. Had a record number of "hang-up's"---calls where the person slams the phone in yer ear, right after you tell them who you are. Beat my old record by three calls.
    Oh, then there's the people who shout, "How DARE you! Why are you calling me on a weekend?"
    I dunno', I like to torture myself for five hours, talking to chav idiots? Or, "You can't be calling me today! Don't you know it's Sunday?" For which I'd really like to say to them, "Oh my God! It is???? What am I doing here at work? How'd I get here? And who are you?"

    I've got this person--nice person, but...---that's PM'ing me on a Dr Who website. Ugh! This person is a know-it-all, which is fine--but the person doesn't pay one speck of attention to what the other person (namely me) is saying, and just goes on and on and on...and on and on and on...:roll: I mean, I'm glad the person in question is taking an interest, but...honestly--I can't stand people who prattle on about stuff, when the subject has been addressed and it's more than time to move on to something else. Dang!

    On more than one PM or post, I've--I'm assuming-- stated my facts--and this person just rolls right over what I"ve said, like I've said nothing at all.

    I don't want to hurt this person's feelings by repeating myself, as then the person may take that as I'm arguing with them--when I'm not! Oh, and that's another irritating thing---this is one of those over-the-top sensitive people---the one's who take something small and insignificant, that DIDN'T pertain to them, personally--and make it personal, and get all upset and hurt over absolutely nothing.

    I love my fellow Whovians--and have tried to encourage this fan to participate more on the website--but by gosh, I am ashamed to admit this--but now I'm really sorry I did. :**:

    So, at a friend's urging, I looked at some stuff out there on the internet, concerning the Series 3 Press launch of Doctor Who--looks fantastic...'course I am a tiny bit prejudiced.

    I noticed, that Mr. Tennant had to seriously deepen his voice to say, "Judoon." Don't know if that's because he's trying to convey seriousness---or if he's overcompensating for his Scots accent. I mean, think about it--"Judoon." The name sounds very Scottish to me. Tennant's pseudo-English accent is really quite sexy, when it deepens like that. Oh great. One more thing to turn on the already turned-on drooling, screaming fangirls. Yech. :zz:

    So, if the Daleks now have "feet," do they wear trainers, too?

    And, I hear the Doctor's first snog with Martha is really a "genetic transfer." Okay then, so now, when I tell people that I'm a genuine old maid, who's never been properly snogged--instead, I can make it sound more...erm...interesting. "I've never been genetically transferred."

    Of course, the rumors are rampant--one that the mysterious Mr Saxon--played from the actor from Life on Mars, whose name escapes me at the moment (I've only seen adverts for the show, but it looks terrific, even better than Torchwood--sorry, RTD---and I hope to see it, someday.) Anyway, rumour mongers say that this Saxon chap is really the Doctor's son. Yeah, well...and I suggest that he might be the Doctor's mother or gay lover. Afterall, the Doctor is an alien. :roll:

    I've no clue when I'll be seeing Series 3, but from what little I've seen and heard, I've a hunch the Who team has once again raised the bar, leaped all the hurdles and won the jump-off. (Like the way I managed to include a horsey reference here?) :))

    I would have given anything to be at that press launch, tho'. Imagine it must have been pretty spectacular, ey?

    Anyway, check out Tennant's threads in the above photo--very disco. I can honestly say, that I've not seen a suit like that, since around 1976 or '77. Of course, I don't think it's polyester, still...wonder if David ever sings, and dances to, "Stayin' Alive" while vacuuming. Oh, hang on. That's me...sorry.

  • Dr Who: Sci-fi or Soap Opera?

    I adore Dr Who--but, that said, sometimes it gets a little too soap opera-ish / "Friends"-ish for my own personal taste. Okay yeah, I'm an unsophisticated American small town hick--but still, sometimes--not often--but sometimes, "gag me!"

    And, it seems, one British chap, agrees:

    The Doctor has a rash on his bum? No wonder the poor chap looks so cranky. And I thought he was just missing Rose.

  • Rambling--And A Very Bad Dr Who Poem

    Looking back at my posts from last week--I guess I'm doing better than I'd thought--and owe a huge thanks to my few and very very special, internet friends. I've never met any of you, but I must say, you all are the very best people anyone could ever have the pleasure of calling "friends."

    I am coping--but still only on a marginal level. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I feel like someone who is trapped beneath the rubble of a collapsed building, waiting to see if I'll be rescued or suffocate--and, I do not envision any big buff firemen in my future, that's for sure--not even Lassie or Rin-tin-tin.

    I've not only got the huge Social Security thing, looming over my head, the reduced wages, as well--my student lenders are threatening to take what tiny wages (making less than 175 a week, at the moment--about 60 pounds.) I'm sick to my stomach with fear and worry.

    The only thing keeping me floating above the raw sewage of life, is...I don't know. I'm stupid, I guess--what I really should do, is become a drunk. I think drunks have the right idea--you may be living in a cardboard box--but who cares, you're drunk. You ain't feelin' nothin'. Too bad I hate the taste of alcohol. Damn.

    Ah well, my life was getting a bit too..sedate, anyway. Mind you, wild and wooly I don't mind, now and again--but, when placed up against this kind of impending doom--boring and mundane can be quite comforting. I feel like I'm straddling the fence between Purgatory and Hell, right now. Not a good place to be...but, it beats pure Hell, hands down.

    Here's a really bad "found" poem about being a Doctor Who fan. I took the lines from posts to threads on two different Doctor Who fansite forums. I was bored and...well, it beats cleaning out the cat's litterbox, or sitting here trying to match up my odd socks, ey?

    (With profuse apologies to David Tennant, Freema Agyeman, Russell T. Davis, and et. all)

    Doctor What???

    Are you addicted to Who?
    Who are you?
    Aliens of London.
    The Doctor’s new suit.
    Harriet Jones, M.P. for Flydell North.
    Jelly babies.
    Black and gold Dalek.
    The Doctor.
    Mickey the idiot.

    The relationship: the Doctor and Rose.
    The Doctor snogs Rose--again.
    The Doctor dances--with Rose.
    How will the Doctor deal with losing Rose?
    Where…does the Doctor sleep?
    The Doctor goes to bed with Martha!
    The Doctor and Martha kissing.
    Return of the pyjamas.
    Weng-Chiang Whoopise!
    Smith and Jones: iconic ttile
    The Doctor’s son?
    Glimpse of The Runaway Bride.
    The Doctor is getting married???
    I am horrified.

    Is David Tennant really considered sexy?
    Old and boring…discuss?
    DT--funny guy.
    David Tennant is sooo-hot!
    In my pants.
    Sonic screwdriver?
    David Ten-inch???
    UFO sighting.
    David Tennat: staying or leaving?
    The fans go crazy for Freema.
    David Tennant is committed.

    Gay: Ricky and Jake?
    Daleks and Cybermen?
    Pete and Mickey?
    Is new companion a super model?
    Look at these fabulous bloopers!
    The Face of Boe’s secret: what is it?
    The Tardis wardrobe song?
    Doctor Who to die?
    Hugh Grant in Dr Who?
    Oh my God! Something freaky happened just now!
    Tardis: stolen and corrupted!
    The villain: Spiderwoman!

  • David Tennant: Mischievous or just a prat? & personal pics

    I wrote in my last post that David Tennant was being coy over whether he was staying or leaving...which is mostly a non-issue, with me--but still, I find this "maybe I will and maybe I won't business, getting just a bit wearing, by now.

    It was cute in the beginning Mr. Tennant, sir--but now it's just...old. Dunno' if Tennant has a mischievous sense of humor--or if he's just being an adolescent prat. Either way, I wish the guy would just suck it up and say aye, yes or no. I understand he must be sick of being asked that question--but I wish he'd just say it and have done with it...why do men have this serious aversion to saying "I don't know." Why is Tennant messing with the fan's heads? Who knows? (Pun intended.) Maybe it's something they put in the haggis, over there, ey? :DD

    Speaking of which, did you know that haggis costs 40 dollars a pound here? Which is why no one in the USA much, eats it--you can get a nice prime rib roast for that, and serve it with mashed potatoes with all the trimmings, besides! I tried haggis once, on a dare--before the person told me what was in it---not bad, actually. Bit rich for my tastes. But I must say I was glad that they didn't tell me what it was make of while I was still chewing, ha-ha.

    Anyway, here's a few personal photos I had burned to CD. I would LOVE to be able to show you the whole photo---but, the stinking lousy stupid blinking frickin' frackin' goldanged computer--will not allow me to! I re-size the photos on photo bucket--and they show up full size after I copy the re-sized pics! I don't know if it's this lousy Firefox upgrade, my mouse, or just the moron computer being a major pain in the arse.

    This was taken on a very scenic dead-end road in nearby Fort Ann, NY. It's about 20 minutes northwest of where I live now. The tarps are covering the pumpkin harvest to protect them from heavy frost.

    Jan. 2004, 7.30am Giza Plateau.

    Aprox. 1988, BBC Dr Who North American tour, Latham Circle Mall car park, Latham, NY (sorry, photo has been through the mill a bit)

  • Hangin' in There and Dr Who stuff

    Well, I'm still tryin' to hang in there. Feeling marginally better--well, as best as my circumstances will allow. It's a terrible way to live, knowing that at any given moment, the rug of life may be pulled out from under me---again. It's pretty scary. It's hard to be happy--or even pretend to be happy, when that happens. I was pretty good at faking it in public, most times--but I'm only human, and sometimes I could tell I was being rather tetchy with people, tho' I do try hard to avoid that--mostly by avoiding people, whenever possible.

    But I'm doing what little I can do to stay reasonable stable, but...it's a bit dicey, at best...depression is something one can't truly control--only manage. And life--well, when your life is out of control--or your control, whether through finances, relationships or other outside influences--is limited, you have one more huge concrete wall topped with razorwire, blocking your path to a secure existence.

    That's about all I can tell you, I'm afraid. I'm sad and scared and lonely--but I'm also fighting to stay positive--and slowly trying to shift myself out of my doldrums and resume my "normal" daily activites. But gosh, it's so incredibly hard.

    DAVID: "Check it out, Freema! Ol' Billie didn't call me "David Teninch" for nothing, ey?"

    FREEMA: (Muttering under her breath) "Oh Gawd! This is going to be one helluva' long nine months!"

    So, fears that Dr Who Series Four would be put on hold 'till 2009, seem to have been unfounded, as S4 has indeed been commissioned.

    I so am so severely dissapointed that the BBC has banned Americans from watching its short little YouTube video clips--with still no reason given behind it.

    Well, I suppose that's to be expected. After all BBC does stand for British Broadcasting Corporation--and the corporate mind is not geared to caring or common sense. At least, not in my experiences.

    But I do think that's a bit cheap of them--they want us Yanks to watch their programming, buy their BBC-related DVD's, tee-shirts, audios, etc...they want us to spend huge sums on premium cable so we can watch BBCAmerica--then, they begrudge us a minute or two of little video clips--clips that they asked us Yanks to subscribe to on YouTube--cheap chav stunt! Yeah, can we say "bad public relations?"

    I mean, American fans are really mad--and British fans are mad that the Americans are mad---it's not good PR. I think YouTube was a big mistake, on the BBC's part. But, then, Americans are known for their incredibly short attention spans--so who knows?

    So, Mr. Tennant may or may not be in Series Four, and may or may not be leaving mid-way on....this is not me saying that--love Mr. Tennant's Doctor, but if the man wants to stay or go, that's his business.

    That said, if he's not leaving--why the hell doesn't he just say so? All I've been able to get, is a cryptic comment from the man himself, that the Doctor "may or may not" survive though the whole series Four. Yeah, thanks for being so enlightening, Mr. Tennant. Well, if the man ever gives up acting--he'd make a wonderful politician.

  • Mum Was Right

    While looking for pics to illustrate my last blog entry, I found this:

    When I was in Emergency a week ago, I silently thanked mum for lecturing me on the importance of wearing clean knickers--now, if she'd only done the same about shaving my legs in wintertimes...ah well. Live and learn, ey?

  • Why There's no NHS in the USA

    Here's a news story that blatantly illustrates why Americans are allowed to lose jobs, homes...and lives, for lack of proper, affordable health care--why the right wing stock holding conservatives and the insurance industry fight so hard and spend so much money to prevent NHS from coming to America:

    Calif. fines Blue Cross $1 million

    Fri Mar 23, 8:30 AM ET

    State regulators fined California's largest health insurance provider $1 million for violating state law, saying an investigation found that the company systematically dropped policyholders after they became sick or pregnant, a newspaper reported Friday.

    Officials with the Department of Managed Health Care said they hoped the fine would prompt changes at Blue Cross of California. They said they planned to conduct similar investigations into other large health insurance providers in the state, the Los Angeles Times reported.

    The department's findings could expose Blue Cross to legal liability in dozens of lawsuits filed by consumers who allege their policies were illegally canceled.

    The investigation found that Blue Cross used computer programs and a dedicated department to cancel the policies of pregnant women and the chronically ill regardless of whether they lied on their applications about pre-existing medical conditions — a standard required by state law. Regulators examined 90 randomly selected cases of policy cancellations and found violations in each one.

    The report said the legal standard for cancellations is high because such action may put the policyholders' health at risk by making it difficult to obtain care. Policy cancellations also hurt hospitals and physicians by denying them payment for treatment rendered in good faith and often with prior approval by the insurer.

    "Rescinding health care coverage is a serious action, placing the enrollee at financial risk for the full amount of billed medical charges and potentially rendering the enrollee uninsurable," the report said.

    WellPoint Inc., Blue Cross' Indianapolis-based parent company, disputed the findings in a detailed response filed with the department.

    "Blue Cross has a rigorous and thoughtful process it follows in every case where rescission review occurs because health insurance is so critically important to each and every one of our members," the company said in a statement Thursday.

    Last September, Blue Cross announced a series of revisions, including new language in its applications; new written policies and procedures; the creation of a new rescission review committee that includes at least one physician; and the appointment of a consumer ombudsman for rescission issues.

    The company said it would continue working with regulators.

    Department of Managed Health Care Director Cindy Ehnes said she hoped the fine would encourage Blue Cross to change its policies and set an example for other insurers.

    Consumer advocates praised the state for its report but questioned whether the fine was substantial enough to affect WellPoint, which earned $3.09 billion in net profit last year on revenues of $56.95 billion.

    "A $1 million fine for 100 cases makes business sense for Blue Cross because of the profit levels of the company," said Jerry Flanagan, a patient advocate with the Foundation for Consumer and Taxpayer Rights. "Blue Cross is reaping millions in savings by not paying for care."

    The state investigation was fueled by a series of stories in the Los Angeles Times. The articles disclosed that Blue Cross, along with other insurers such as Blue Shield of California and Kaiser Permanente, routinely canceled coverage of individual policyholders whose medical care resulted in large claims, prompting some to lose their homes or suffer other hardships.

    IMPORTANT NOTE:

    It's significant to note that insurance companies advertise with the LA Times, who published this story.

    Why?

    Because of that last line--at the bottom, you'll note, that says, quote, "some to lose..."

    That "some"---is nearly 50 MILLION.

    A few more than "some."


  • Chicken shite and Astroturf

    So, one of the clubs I sell memberships to, is a gardening club. This month's big prize. A whopping big bag of Cockadoodle Doo--fertilizer. Yep, the name says it all. Their slogan:
    "D00--It right."

    I have this picture in my mind of a little old lady having tea with her elderly friends, exclaiming, "You'll never guess what I won from my gardening club! A big bag of chicken shit!"

    One of the big adverts on the gardening club's website is for "Synthetic lawns." Excuse me? Isn't the whole idea behind gardening, to actually GROW things? What's next? People placing those plastic flowers you see in cemetery plots, around their homes? Vinyl shrubbery? Naugahyde trees?

    Yeah, okay then...whatever.

  • Just checking in--how I'm doing and some misc. "stuff."

    Just checking in, folks. I'm still here, still struggling to deal with this horrible crisis--and, if that wasn't enough, I've hurt myself slightly, the Postal service lost my rent check, apparently..so my rent didn't go through on time...my alarm clock was set wrong the other night, and I woke up an hour later than usual...bad fortune just keeps dogging my every footstep...but I'm still here.

    I'm severely depressed--but doing everything in my power not to let it drag me down too far--to a place I can't get out of. I'm doing everything I can--which isn't much, I admit, to deal with this major crisis. But, I'm not doing too well, some days. I try to relax and find some humor, some things to keep my mind preoccupied.

    I've gotten addicted to that website with the blank statement that people fill in, the "I__________________________________." website. Got several more "found" poems out of it--it's getting to be, for me, a bit like someone getting hooked on suduko, or whatever you call it. Watching stuff on YouTube--still fed up with the petty BBC and their YouTube connection, of course.

    Well...at least the cat's have been happy. Some co-worker wants me to buy a house from her--yeah, riiight! I'll just skip out to the money tree in the city park, and pluck off a few thousands, ey? Get real! I can barely afford my rent and utilities, for pity's sake! Uh-uh, no thanks. She wants a flatmate or something, fine. But no. I've enough troubles, thanks--and this house is in the town with the highest tax base for a small city, in all of upstate NY---and it's not even upscale--it's a small chav city! It calls itself a "city" but it's really nothing more than a moderate sized town. The biggest "industry" is the County offices! It doesn't even have a major business there. Yet the taxes are out of sight, no clue why...nearly double of towns and cities with twice the population! Yeah, I'm gonna' buy a house...dream on! If I ever do buy a home--not ever likely---it wouldn't be in Hudson Falls!

    Don't get me wrong--it's a nice place, people-wise, but run down, pretty much, and not much there really--except for the historic graves of Jane McCrea--a young woman brutally murdered by Indians while escaping from a nearby fort, and a member of the Scottish Blackwatch regiment, a Major Duncan Campbell. The murder of Jane McCrea is famous, here--mostly because it fired up Americans to hot anger against the British (who's allies were these self-same natives-tho' the Brits weren't entirely responsible), and thus, the end result, as the British marched down from Lake George, through here in Glens Falls, down the Hudson River to their fateful meeting with us yanks at the Battle of Saratoga--the turning point of the American Revolution. While the murder isn't solely responsible--it was a much needed catalyst to rally lagging American morale, and actually did serve to whip up the troops to fighting fervor.

    Anyway, Hudson Falls aside, the fact that I am not crazy about the apartment--the cat's love it, tho!, despite that, not up to another move. Just not. No.

    So, I've done a bit of writing--not a lot, and have starting going back on the Dr Who website. And, as you can see, am trying to blog--'tho I don't much feel like it. Trying to start eating right again. Seems my health has gone a bit downhill, as well, of late--nothing serious, but still. Not sure why I should care, no one depends on me, personally, any longer. Oh, I'm still depressed. It's hard, knowing you're no longer really needed. When you care for another person, you get into this groove, and you get used to being needed, and to having to do for someone besides yourself--and then it stops--and then, where are you? Lost, sometimes. At least, that's the way if feels to me. I so long to have a job where I'm actually needed, useful, not just a number, a behind in a seat that can easily be filled...but someone valued by...someone. Anyone, on a regular basis--someone that truly wants me around, that needs me.

    Ah well, just a pipe dream, that. Something of which I'm all to painfully aware of.

    What I liked about the stuff I'm seeing on this odd website, is that I can take these random sentences, and turn them into little verses or poems--and in the poems, create an individual person, from just a few random lines--I suppose it's a teensy bit of a God-like complex? Making me feel empowered--albeit in a falsely petty way, I suppose--when I feel virtually powerless? Or, maybe I'm just bored and need something to do..who knows?

    So, I've written a couple more "found" poems:

    Escape

    I love to dream because I can go anywhere.
    I have a memory wall.
    I am heartbroken.
    I wish art were more important in our society.
    I wish I could fly.
    I got extremely drunk on my 21st birthday.
    I can never stop learning new languages.
    I am looking for my soul mate.
    I am living in a prison made of glass.
    I still haven’t gotten over him.
    I want to have a dog.

    Mental State

    I want to be a virtuous woman.
    I love my flip flops.
    I can hear music in my head.

    I got chased by a cow.
    I think about death.
    I still am drunk.

    I love the color blue.
    I hate being that third person in the elevator.
    I have manic-depression and it makes me giggle.

    Personality Test

    I am a tree-hugging hippy.
    I am baffled by the moral decline in the U.S.
    I love dirty, rude offensive jokes.
    I don’t understand myself sometimes.

    I work weekends.
    I am a mother of six.
    I love tequila.
    I wish I could ride on the wings of a Pegasus.

    I resent my husband.
    I went on a cruise.
    I have a weird sense of humor.
    I hate being stereotyped by ignorant people.

    I love junk food.
    I feel alone a lot.
    I want to make a difference in the world.
    I know it will work out in the end.

    Life in Reality-land

    I am glad to be leaving this job.
    I like to get pampered at the salon.
    I want to be more flexible.
    I am a gay Christian.
    I do not understand racist people.
    I love to empower others.
    I like being me.
    I live a life of fulfillment and adventure each day.
    I am a poet.

    I have had to run from the cops so many times.
    I have a crazed cat.
    I am emotional over art, music and people.
    I am really a vegetarian because I hate meat.
    I hate trends.
    I believe in angels.
    I believe in aliens.
    I am addicted to cigarettes.
    I was caught drinking and smoking by the police.
    I think the politicians should be in jail.
    I am a restless spirit.

    I am extremely paranoid and extraterrestrial.
    I had my wisdom teeth removed.
    I torture myself with sad songs.
    I collect frogs.
    I love weird facts.
    I wear a lot of black.
    I can feel things before they happen.
    I lost my child.
    I am someone you know.

  • I'm back--but not back--just some poems.

    Hi all...

    Not doing great--still have that serious issue hanging over me like the executioner's ax...and, I had a bit of a fall while walking home in the blizzard Friday night, and did a number on my legs--not broke, thank God, but sprains and pulled muscles galore.

    I was quite surprised by the outpouring of support by some of you, and I just wanted to pop in to say that I'm still here, tying to work my way through this--but I still don't want to talk about it, as I am just too upset and frightened to write about it, right now.

    But I do thank all of you for your caring and support--it means more to me than you can ever know.

    I've been trying to keep my spirits up by chatting with a few friends, and watching humorous stuff online (like the wonderful David Tennant/Catherine Tate Comic Relief skit--which did wonders for making me feel better--albeit only temporarily.) And, I went though some stuff I'd written recently, and spent my time editing and tweaking it.

    I am sort of trying to resume my normal daily activities--but it's very hard, so I'll hope you'll forgive me for not writing in my blog much, for a while.

    In light of the fact that I don't feel much like blogging, I am just going to put on some creative stuff I'd written fairly recently. It's nothing much, just some poems. I've not written a poem in nearly two years, as far as I can recall, so this is really the first stuff in a long, long while.

    They are what is known as "found" poems. A found poem is a poem where the poet has randomly plucked lines from printed sources (not poetry)--such as newspaper and magazine articles, billboard adverts, graffitti, the news scrawl at the bottom of your television screen, or, as I have done, random statements on a website, etc.

    I wrote a bunch of simple poems out of sheer boredom--and for a tiny bit of fun. They are taken from a website that asked people to fill in the following: "I_____________. And the poems I wrote are based on random responses that I found in various places on the website.

    Snapshots of Life

    A series of “found” poems, based on random individual statements on a website.

    Adam and Eve

    I have never been snogged.
    I just want to be alone.
    I want to have sex.
    I don’t know how to say no.
    I have a fetish.
    I am allergic to Latex.
    I think nudity is beautiful.
    I feel sorry for Britney Spears.
    I married a lesbian.
    I watched my boyfriend kill himself.

    On Holiday

    I am afraid of felling God.
    I am not who they think I am.
    I thong.
    I am a coolie.
    I got engaged.
    I ended a friendship.
    I feel spiritual.
    I visited Amsterdam.

    Words to Live By

    I have to go to the bathroom.
    I must not sit on the cat.
    I am not your stereotypical anything.
    I hate country music.
    I love my cousin.
    I cheated on my girlfriend.
    I love birds.
    I am an aging beauty, alive and so grateful.
    I am pregnant.

    Road Maps

    I have been in a mental hospital.
    I blow glass.
    I am a Buddhist.
    I went surfing.
    I am a web designer.
    I think about God all the time.
    I am a shopaholic.
    I hate unrequited love.
    I am a Doctor Who fan.
    I want to learn the salsa.

    Shallow Minds

    I hack.
    I pee.
    I have a dirty mind.
    I am a fashion victim.
    I hate high maintenance girls.
    I am supposed to be doing my homework right now.

    Windmills

    I am on a quest to find the real me.
    I like to read.
    I loved someone who didn’t love me.
    I write stories.
    I regret my first kiss.
    I am a medical student.
    I remember my first love.
    I lost my father.
    I had a difficult pregnancy.
    I’d rather not talk about the past.

    The World’s Shortest Sentence

    I am who I am.
    I still have no idea who I am.
    I am honest.
    I think I am ugly.
    I am not as innocent as people think I am.
    I don’t know who I am anymore.
    I am an open-minded liberal.
    I do not feel like I am a part of any nation.
    I don’t like where I am right now.
    I am sad.
    I think I think too much, therefore I am.

    Dancing in the Dark

    I love kisses.
    I want to finish my tattoo.
    I keep trying, that’s all I can do.
    I love giving women intense pleasure.
    I am drunk, drunk, drunk.
    I went to Japan.
    I love sushi.
    I am very curious about witchcraft.
    I married a blue eyed demon.
    I am craving a kiss.
    I love Alice in Chains.
    I love love.
    I love curry.
    I love tea.
    I wish I was British.
    I want to live again.
    I love a man I don’t think I truly know.
    I am a baby boomer.
    I love my cat.
    I wish he would let me in.
    I was never so shocked in my life.
    I shop and dance and drink like it’s my job.

  • Thank You

    I just want to thank all those who passed on their good wishes and kind comments to me.

    It indeed meant very much to me.

    I was just getting re-focused, after more than a year of constant upheaval, grief and worse, to deal with...and now, just when my life seemed to be very slowly returning to normal--and even that return to some semblance of normalcy, turned out to be hugely difficult to deal with--just this weekend, I felt myself backing up, taking another look, and turning around.

    And tonight, coming home from work--that all exploded in my face.

    Now, if this (the horrible news from the government, awaiting me in my mail box) was the only bad thing that had happened to me, or even one of several things, I think I would have the courage to face it---but I don't. It's just too much this time, for me to handle. Life has knocked me down so many times--and tho' I've nearly didn't get up again twice last year--I am getting up again, now...but only in a marginal sense.

    I have a choice: I can do something I promised myself back in the autumn, that I'd never do--or even try to do--ever again. No. That's not an option I want to even think about...quite frankly, it is far too tempting to.

    I don't drink or use drugs...

    which leaves me one "coping" option left: Do nothing. That's right. I am so down right now--I'm below the sub-basement. This how bad it is: Just simple things, like sleeping at night, waking in the morning, eating, doing the housework etc., are going to be a huge, huge effort for me. There's no one to push me to do these things--so I have to concentrate super hard, and do them myself. And that will be an incredible effort. I won't have time--nor am I any longer in to mood for: writing and blogging, listening to my Proclaimers and Great Smokey Mountains CD's and Virgin Radio, watching Dr Who, reading, etc.

    When I want reality, I don't have to watch TV---all I have to do is wake up in the morning. I can't cope with this well, I'm afraid.

    My life is a lot when I go for a drive. Now, I used to get joshed a lot, about my "shortcuts" while out driving from point A to point B---they actually sometimes took longer than the direct route--by my mum and dad, when they were in the car with me. I had this thing about getting jammed up in traffic---I love an open road, especially a country road--so I would, if possible, take the "back way." I like to take a different way, from the crowd--I like to make my own paths to follow.

    But now, my road is not only a dead end---I can't even make myself leave the blinking garage.

    I just...need to hibernate. At this point...just when I began to have "hope" for the first time--albeit in a very tiny way, life has again slapped me down--and this time, I swear to heaven, I am NOT getting up. Let it do with me what it will. For the first time in my life, I just plain don't give a damn any more--no longer worth the effort.

    I thought, for a brief moment in passing earlier this week, that I might once again have a future--but I was wrong. Dead wrong. So now--I hibernate.

    That's what's going on with me. I just don't have the spirit and courage any more to write or enjoy myself. I used to cherish humour---now...I've finally lost my love of laughter. Got nothing more to be happy and hopeful about, it's useless to even try.

    But I do thank you all--most sincerely thank you, with all my heart. You are all good people--more than I deserve. Thanks. "oldmaid" Dustyboots...playwrite27, etc. (aka; Nancy.)

  • My Last Blog

    Hi,

    This is my last blog. Don't panic! I'm not going to off myself...but I did get some bad news today, and I just can't deal with anything any longer---and I don't think anyone wants to hear my woes, anymore, either.

    I am giving up and giving in: whatever happens to me, from now on, happens. Oh, I will still be around, I will still keep up my struggle to survive life in America--have I mentioned how much I am hating my nation, lately? The poor don't have a chance in hell--and ice cube has a better chance in hell, then a poor person in America!

    So--I quit. I'm done. I will go to my job, eat tinned cat food, live in a cardboard box if it comes to that--but I am not going to put myself out trying. No. This weekend, for the first time in well over a year, I felt like I had a chance---albeit a very, very slim one--at a future. Now--gone. And I just don't have the strength to hope any more. I just don't.

    I'm NOT doing harm to myself. I just don't want to hope or dream any longer. Not worth it. I am going to become an automaton--just go through the motions. Life has just lost all its attractions.

    I WILL continue to respond to e-mails. But no more than that. I will no longer surf the net---well, I may not have internet service soon, anyway. I don't know what's going to happen.

    I'm tired, so I'm signing off now.

    You've all been more than kind to me--kinder than I deserve...I'm just--too weary to hear anything anyone has to say. There's nothing left. I'm just too damn tired to do anything any more...I just don't see the point.

    As I said, e-mails, yes. Everything else--I just don't want to, any more.

    Thanks to all for you friendship and encouragement--you've no idea what that's meant to me.

    (To those few with whom I correspond regularly--I WILL continue to do so, if you desire. I just don't want to talk about what's going on right now, ta. )

  • Comic Relief

    Asking all my UK friends to, if you haven't already done so, to please, please support Comic Relief.

    Comic Relief is a wonderful charity, whose goal is to educate the public, as well as put a stop to poverty and social injustice.

    As someone who, in a small way, has been on the receiving end of poverty, and in a smaller way, social injustice, I urge you to think about supporting this very worthwhile cause.

    Please, on 16th March, if possible, give what you can. Thanks.

  • Frosty Morning in the Adirondacks

    Well, it's a frosty morning here in the Adirondack Mountains--not outside. It's actually 41 F (5 C), which is quite warm, considering it was 3 to 5 below zero (minus 19 to minus 20 C)
    last week.

    No, the frost is in my apartment, this morning. First, last night, the boiler was acting up and I had only luke warm water to do the washing up and shower with (working this morning, thankfully)--now, I can't seem to get the heat to budge beyond 66. Which normally isn't that bad--but last night, without hot water in my shower--it wasn't good, let me tell you! I've had to live through winter without benefit of hot water before, and I really, really, have learned to treasure hot water--especially remembering those times, when it was minus 25 C, and I had no working furnace, either!

    Flame HATES being cold! She's only just got her fur back, poor dear, and her coat isn't all that thick. So, at the mo', she's snuggled into mum's old comforter, that I keep on the floor of the front room, next to the big ol' iron radiator. She's snuggled down into the folds, with her nose positively buried in them--she also hates, it seems, having a cold nose.

    AN ADIROONDACK MORNING

  • Coffee, UFO's, Torchwood and Continuing Education

    so, another night in my life, winding down.

    Got some Green Mountain Roasters caramel vanilla creme coffee, as I write this, it's perking away in my big tin blue enamel "butch" Adirondack mountain coffee pot, on the gas cooker. Folks can keep their ol' fancy-schmancy drip makers--I prefer the real deal--coffee made the way my great-grandparents did it. Actually, there's not that much difference. In reality, I just don't have the counter space for a drip maker--and, quite frankly, I just love the smell--and the idea--of coffee perking on the stove.

    Well, seems there was a UFO sighting here, last week. Not the first one, by any means. There's been UFO sightings all across New York state, for years. I've seen two, myself, over the years. No clue what I saw, personally speaking, except that in both cases, neither one of the "mysterious lights" that I saw, behaved like any aircraft that I'd ever seen. But...whatever. Either they are--or they aren't. That's my philosophy. Who can say, what is...or what isn't?

    Last week, it was two stationary lights--one red, one white--spotted just south of the space station (which we can see quite plainly, in our parts, on cold, clear nights), way up high in the upper atmosphere, and they weren't moving at all. No idea what they were...seems to me, if they were aircraft or even satelites, they'd have moved. Huh.

    But yeah, I've seen the "weird lights in the sky" thing, once or twice...bit creepy--'specially when one is alone--but, not that big a deal, really. Lights can't hurt you--well, hopefully not, anyway.

    There was a really weird sighting reported locally, in the town of Whitehall, the end of last July. A person was watching a thunderstorm, and reported seeing an enormous, towering, octagonal shaped object, which appeared out of the clouds, over one of the mountains--seems it hovered over this person's house--lit up by lightening flashes--for quite some minutes, before scooting off very rapidly, to parts unknown. Who knows? Could have been real, or an optical illusion caused by the storm, or the person could have been stoned (in Whitehall, that's a real possibility--just ask that bandmember from Phish), or he or she could have made it up for the attention. No telling.

    That was one of the more unusual sightings I've been told about, or have read or heard about. Most seem to be the standard oddly moving or stationary lights, oval lights, triangle shaped aircraft hovering (believe that may be stealth aircraft, but again, who knows?), weird flashes of light in the sky on clear nights, cigar-shaped craft, the traditional saucers, stuff like that. Fireballs, as well. They are sometimes seen.

    Not the first, not the last. There's been a few sightings, here, as I've said, over the past couple of years--lights hovering over low over the mountains, but producing no sounds, lights moving erratically and at unusually high speeds. A mysterious fireball, going through the sky...that could'a been a meteor. I've seen those--and heard them, as well.

    Here's a photo I found of the meteor showers:

    No, really, you can hear meteors, if either, they are low enough--or you are high enough. I used to watch the meteor showers when I was in Yellowstone, working. Old Faithful sits on a 7000 foot high plateau--high enough to hear the Leonid (I think that's what they're called) meteors, the lower ones, streaking through the night--it was amazing!

    One time, about, oh 1981 or '82, I was walking home one night, just at dusk, when it was nearly dark--but still light enough that I could see to take a shortcut through the brush, into one of my neighbour's back yards. Well, I had just stepped into his back yard, when there was a bright orangey streak of light, with a loud whooshing sound, just over my head...startled the bejeebuss outta' me, I'm tellin' ya'! I went up to my neighbour's door, and had some choice words with him, about shooting fireworks off without looking around first, to see if anyone was there. He looked at me, like I had three heads--seems he and the family were sitting in the living room, watching tele. And, questioning the other neighbours later, not one family on that end of the street, was doing anything with fireworks, flares or homemade rockets.

    And there were no meteor's reported for that night either...so, I will never know just what that was---but dang! Whatever it was, it came a bit too close for comfort to suit me--but I suppose, if it was a meteor, the closeness of it, was probably just an illusion--or, it could have been the Tardis, traveling backwards through the Space-time vortex, he-he.

    Watched my first episode of Torchwood--very good! Didn't think I'd like it, but I rather do, actually. Funny, I didn't like the character of Captain Jack in Doctor Who--but on his own, I do sort of like him--in Torchwood, I mean. The acting's really great, and the SFX aren't half bad, as well. And some nice shots of Cardiff, I must say. Seems like a lovely city.

    Think I'll give Torchwood a go, afterall. I'm interested, now, very much so.

    Hopefully, I'm going to hear soon, that I've been accepted into enrollment in some online classes--I'm aiming to improve my grammar studies--never go 'round to taking my advanced grammar course at Castleton State, so I'm gonna' bite the bullet and have another go, online. And, I'm trying to get into a press release writing class--got an A in public relations, and have certainly studied--and written--press releases--but it doesn't hurt to fine tune your skills--especially after a bit of an absence, ey?

    I'm afraid it's still a bit of a sore spot with me, being forced to drop out of college, one year shy of getting my B.A. in communications, and my minor in writing...still, I can keep plugging away on my own, without the B.A.---still have my good ol' 2 year, A.A. degree, in liberal arts/humanities, at any rate--but I worked--no, slaved, is a better word--so hard to get that second four-year dipolma...rubs me raw, it does.

    MAIN STREET OF CASTLETON, VERMONT, VT STATE ROUTE 4A, JUST SOUTH OF THE TOWN GREEN AND PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH.

    You see, moi flunked out of college at age 19..and lived to regret it for 15 years--till I talked myself into going back...then, once set on a course (mind, I changed my major three times--first it was theater management--but couldn't get enough classes, due to the case of too many students, not enough profs---and then, tried English Lit--it was okay, but decided it was too narrow--and really found, though I liked the subject, I didn't want to get into that (teaching) as a career--so, I found myself taking a "filler" course (to qualify for federal financial aid, you have to take X number of credit hours (min. 12--the average course being 3, with a lab also, 4 credits, and something like phys ed--like swimming, tennis, horseback riding (only A I ever got in Gym class, he-he) those are generally 1 credit courses--"credits" usually equal how many class hours you put in per week.

    So to get financial aid--I had to put in a min. of 12 hours of classes per week. Usually that was much more--my average was 15 to as much as 24 hours--which may not seem like much--but you have to figure in study time and work on projects--very time consuming!

    Anyway, to get that aid, you HAVE to have those 12 credits in place by the time the semester (term) starts...whether the courses you want are available or not! So, if your needed classes are all filled--or you have scheduling conflicts (don't get me started, scheduling your required classes--so you can get those manditory courses you are required to have to graduate-- can be a real pain in the ol' arse, and a major headace)--you pick "fillers"...That's actually how I chose my minor in my 2 year college--I lacked 3 credits to meet my requied aid credits, in my second semester, so I filled in the time slot with Acting I--and got hooked, wound up taking them all--and found myself "accidentally" minoring in theater!

    Same thing at Cas State--couldn't get my needed theater credits--too few classes and professors, too many students--so I switched to English Lit major--loads of classes--but kept my writing minor--but one of my lit classes was cancelled, so I found myself with a "hole" in my schedule--and filled it with the public relations courses, which advertised itself as "writing intensive." I really liked it! Got an A, and, after speaking with the prof, decided to switch to communications--journalism, broadcasting, public relations.

    Sometimes we plan how things are going to go--and sometimes we just tumble into them on our journey through life.

    OLD-TIME "BIRDSEYE DINER" IN CASTLETON, VT--VERY NOSTALGIC--BUT THE FOOD'S RUBBISH, AND OVERPRICED! THE QUAINT "WOODEN SOLDIER" IN NEARBY FAIR HAVEN'S THE 'REAL DEAL,'--FANTASTIC HOMECOOKED NEW ENGLAND FARE, AND REASONABLY PRICED.

    Fair Haven's a quaint blue collar (chav) town, just across the border from New York state. It was originally a slate mining town, populated by quite a few Welsh immigrants. Today, it's just a quiet small town--not without its problems--but still, it hasn't been much affected by the upscale people migrating from New York City and other trendy places that want to settle in "fashionably" picturesque Vermont towns like Castleton. I liked Castleton, don't get me wrong--but "pictureesque" and "trendy"--generally translate into, eventually, "expensively posh and uptight" As lovely as Castleton is, I prefer the ordinary small towns..like the town of Corinth, NY where I used to live for a bit, Fair Haven's still "normal." People are friendly, shops cater to all sorts--from low budget to moderately trendy--in other words, you can still afford to shop and eat there--those of us on low to modest incomes--and the people don't put on "airs" and are not paranoid about everything and everybody. They're....just...normal. In this day and age, where people are paranoid about they're safety, their health, they're looks, they're little cliques...normal, average, ordinary--the unhurried and non-obsessive life is just so...refreshing.

  • Home Sweet Home

    Cool! I found a site (LiveSearch) that shows me the very street I grew up on--and much of it (sadly not all) is still "green!" My beloved fields and woods are still very much intact--up to a point...there does seem to be more houses than there were, but..not an overabundance.

    I still love my old woods and fields so, you've no idea the joy it brings me to seem them again--even from a satellite photo.

    I shed tears, I really, really did! The ravene next to our house--and that very field where I used to watch the sunrises I've spoken of--still there! And the pine grove behind our house, as well! Oh, I know this sounds silly, but you've no idea the relief and sheer thankfulness I felt, on seeing the place I loved nearly as much as my own family, still preserved. I know I'll likely never walk those woods and fields again--not sure I could if that was possible, andyway--it would be rather painful, I suspect, going back to a place that was a part of your soul, and knowing you were just a visitor--be something like visiting your mum in a nursing home, or a well-loved pet that you had to give to someone else, I suppose.

    But still, it gave me great joy, to "see" it again, if only for a little while. The push pin on the photo is a bit wrong--we were more to the end of the street. If you were to look at the "street view" of the photo, there's a semi-triangle shaped field, and to the left, a tiny strip of trees at an angle--that was the ravene next to our house..that field is what I called, "the field next door."

    Here's a painting I saw online, that reminds me so much of my fields and woods--if fact, looks remarkably like "Flood's field"--an old pasture near the bishop's mansion.

    It's really hard to tell in the photo--but I'm 99 percent certain that the little blip of white, by the bottom left corner of that semi-triangle shaped field--near where the thin band of trees, meets the slightly thicker band of trees that's at the bottom of the field---that little bit of white, is our little Cape Cod style house, that my parents build in 1959. This opinion is backed up by the grove of trees behind the back yard of the white "blip." Unless I'm mistaken--and with the way developers have gone mad these last twenty-five years, I could be--but I think that thick grove of trees--the one below the big white "blip" that's gotta' be the old Episcopal bishop's mansion---those are my beloved, beloved white pines. The little grove that some wonderful person planted back at the turn of the 20th century.

    Here's the link--don't know if it will work. The "new" address of my house is 10 Sage Court, Menands, NY 12204 But, the "push pin" on the map is definiely off--wrong end of the street. The "pin" is on the south end of our little dead-end street, and ours was the last house on the northwest side of the street. There were only about 10 houses there, when I was living there. After the divorce, mum was forced to sell, and we said goodbye in November of '83. I miss it sorely, I do, sometimes, and still dream about our house and street sometimes, at night.

    I haven't had this much fun since I saw The Runaway Bride! I mean, how neat it that, that you can just Google the street--the very house--you grew up with! It's almost as good as having your own Tardis, he-he. Well, maybe not... :)

    DAVID TENNANT: "Now where'd I put that tape measure?"

    (Sorry. But this photo just begs for it...)

    I
    Here's the link

    http://local.live.com/?v=2&sp=Point.r3gkrx8vp9ck_10%20Sage%20Ct%2c%20Menands%2c%20NY%2012204-1405%2c%20United%20States___~Point.r3gkpg8vp9c0_8%20Sage%20Ct%2c%20Menands%2c%20NY%2012204-1405%2c%20United%20States___~Point.r3gmb28vp9hg_24%20Sage%20Ct%2c%20Menands%2c%20NY%2012204-1405%2c%20United%20States___~Poit.r3g8pm8vpjx6_48%20Menands%20Rd%2c%20Menands%2c%20NY%2012204-2308%2c%20United%20States___

  • New virus alert..and some misc. comments

    Hi all.

    Just a heads up, I guess there's supposedly a new virus going around, that's comes up as an e-mail "Life is beautiful"....when you open it, allegedly, it erases ALL the info on your computer and give the sender your personal info.

    I've seen this mentioned three times, now, in various places, so it may possibly be real--and I'd though I'd give ya'll a shout about it, to warn you, ta.

    Some sad guy apparently has way too much time on his hands--maybe he should try cleaning loos for a living--that'd keep him busy, ey?

    Anyway, had my taxes done, today--53 blinking dollars--and that was with a 50 percent off voucher! Took the accountant all of 20 minutes, start to finish. I'm in the wrong damn job, ey?

    Well, if all goes right, I get a bit over 300 dollars back--provided the government doesn't take it back, for my student loan payment. (Huge sigh.) Oh well, if I get it back, I can get the vacuum cleaner I so sorely need--and a few cheap fans or a cheap air conditioner, for the hot summer the Farmer's almanac (which was so accurate, last summer, as to almost seem spooky) says that we're in for a really hot one...good for tourism, bad for me, as I loathe and destest hot, humid weather. This I say, after spending last week with minus 20 C temps! Yes, I'd rather be cold than hot...I'm odd, I suppose. Given a choice between a holiday in the Bahamas or Iceland--I'd choose Iceland, hands down.


  • Monday Bues

    Well, yours truly is having a wonderful day off! Not.

    Yes, boys and girls, ladies and gents, this ol' old maid is off to have her 2006 taxes done. Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh...brother.

    Wish me luck.

    I've not had to file taxes (Seriously!) in over 10 years--for no other reason than that I was so poor, before, that I quite honestly didn't OWE any taxes. No joke. I know..it's sounds absurd, in the light that I went to college full time and even went on some overseas trips, and had a computer and all that--but believe me, moi is PAYING for it...and paying and paying and paying....for the next 30 years, actually. Well, that's why they want to garnish me wages, ey..'cause I can't re=pay, at the mo'--well, I say can't...I am, the samller loan....it's the 350 dollar a month plus one, that I can't repay...not without moving into a cardboard box and eating tinned cat food once a day.

    Talk about deceptive lending--I was told, at the time of getting the loans, that the loan would be 89.00 a month, or thereabouts---they didn't say 89 dollar times x number of loans--my papers only read: 89.00. Period. Yeah. Didn't read the fine print, stupid me. I figured, "Oh, 89 dollars per month, for 30 years, yeah, I can do that." No, I can't do that, when they bunch all the 89.00 dollars together! Geez---it's not that I don't want to re-pay, mind--I'm, in fact, very grateful for the loans. It's just that the lender was a bit shady about it--which I just got a "warning" letter about from my college honors society. Gee, thanks for the prompt heads-up, mates...I've only been out of blinkin' school for over a year, now!

    And the US government--under GWB, of course---has taken away protections for students unable to repay loans--you can't even file for bankruptcy! The only way to forgive a delinquent student loan in the USA--is to go blind! Okay, actually, I am going blind--but only a tiny bit, and not enough to qualify. Not that I want to go blind, mind...but, it would be an up side to a bad situation, ey?

    But the biggest shock was the cost! It used to run me just 25 flippin' dollars to have my taxes done! Ha! Now I'm getting quotes of about 100 dollars! What the hell? It wasn't that long ago, was it? I guess it was, ey?

    I did finally get a quote of around 55 dollars--which I can more or less manage, I suppose.

    I have dyscalculia, so there's no blinkin' way I can file it myself...not on your life, I'm not! No way.

    So, I'm off to South Glens Falls--cab fare will be about 10 bucks, round trip, on top of that--maybe more.

    But, gotta' get it done before April 15th.

    The taxman commeth...mrwwhahaha!

  • Some of my Dr Who & Misc Captions

    So, I was going to write a blog entry, and will..later.

    For now, It's my day off, and I just wanna' play... :p

    DOCTOR: This way, Martha, quickly! Run!

    MARTHA: What is it, Doctor?

    DOCTOR: It's my two worst enemies!

    MARTHA: Not the Daleks and the Cybermen!

    DOCTOR; No, It's worse than that. I just saw Mary Whitehouse and Michael Grade coming down the hallway.

    DOCTOR: See Rose, I'll prove it to you! It's bigger than ten inches.

    ROSE: (Rolling her eyes.) Ummmm--I wasn't talking about the sword, Doctor.

    DOCTOR: Oh. Sonic screwdriver?

    ROSE: Noooo---(Looking at a certain area below the Doctor's waist.)

    DOCTOR: Then what...? Rose! I can see I've got to wear my long coat a bit more.

    ROSE: So...we're lost again, aren't we.

    DOCTOR: Noooo!

    ROSE: Doctor?

    DOCTOR: No! We're not lost...we're just...temporarily discombobulated, that's all.

    ROSE: In other words, we're lost.

    DOCTOR: Um--yeah. Sorry.

    FARMER BROWN LOVED DAISY SO MUCH, THAT AFTER SHE DIED, HE HAD HER STUFFED AND MADE INTO A MOTORCYCLE.

    WANNA' BE NASHVILLE MUSIC STAR, SAUER NOTES, DECIDED TO GET THE ATTENTION OF RECORD COMPANY EXECS BY STAGING A SEMI-NUDE CONCERT IN FRONT OF THEIR CAB.

    IN DESPERATION FOR A BOX OFFICE HIT, BARELY BROS. STUDIOS REMAKES AUTHOR STEPHEN KING'S BOOK "CUJO," INTO A FAMILY FILM, STARRING BUGS BUNNY.

  • A big universe, and some Dr Who stuff...

    So, I'm really going to try hard to bury the past. Wrote the stupid angst-ridden play, talked publicly about my illness, now...time to move on, I suppose. No one want to read a depressing blog, ey? Or hear someone whine all the time about daft stuff that probably doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

    So, much as I enjoy it, I'm going to put my creative writing on the back burner, hang up the last of my dreams, and concentrate on getting a better job sometime in the (hopefully) near future--after all, I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.

    I got a lead on an online school that offers practical 2 year degrees, rather cheaply...some for jobs available right here in Glens Falls. Jobs that pay a truly "living" wage. To heck with whether I like it or not--I just want to survive, and be able to pay my bills and maybe save for a future, someday.

    Maybe, if I am ever able to actually retire, I can pick up writing again. It's not a very practical dream--there's literally millions of writers out ther, and, I'm fairly certain, thousands who are far better than I could be, on my best day.

    The dream of writing a book, or script or play--it was just a pipe dream--the manic side of my manic depression, I strongly suspect. I realized, last night, that if I really want to survive, I have to forget all that I was before, everything that meant something to me in the past, and leave it behind--at least for a few years. I have to forget and move forward--even if it's to the life I've dreaded most, when I was younger. There comes a time when even a dreamer has to give up the ghost and pack the dreams away for awhile.

    I guess, in a way, that tiny play I just wrote last week, well--it was both the beginning of something (my first truly semi-serious work--not a light one-act, or a comedy skit, or a poem or some Dr Who fan fiction, but something expressing my darker side), and the ending of something (I've decided to put my creative writing behind me for the interm).

    Sometimes I forget to put things into broader prospective. I mean, it's a big universe out there--really. It's chock full of things you or I can't even begin to imagine--not even the folks who write Doctor Who, could probably imagine all that the universe REALLY encompasses. Sometimes the sheer magnitude--the very reality--of what's "out there" staggers me. It makes me long to be a genius--but even if I was, still don't think my mind could truly take it all in. The universe makes me feel both tiny and insignificant, and at the same time, I know in a small way, I'm a part of it, and it just fills me with awe and wonder.

    Got some "scoops" about the new series--so far, despite what the rumours say, no sign of an episode named "Zog" (thank God--no clue why, but for some reason I can't fathom, I found that name a bit of a turnoff.)

    There's definately going to be a return of an old monster--quite a scary one, so I'm told.

    There's going to be a shocking ending--or so I'm told.

    And, yes, Jack's back. Whoopie. I like the actor, but his character--eh. Too..I dunno'..too soap oprea (??) for my tastes, but I supppose the character of Jack would grow on me, if I saw more of him, probably. Often that's the case. I've a feeling Mr. Barrowman is a splendid actor--seems like a witty, down-to-earth and fun kind of guy, what little I've seen of him in a few interviews--I have no idea why I don't care for the character...I should, but...who knows?

    There's more, but don't want to spoil it for anyone.

    I won't be seeing Series Three on 31st March, but will be there in spirit, that's for sure.

    Doctor Who's been a genuine blessing for me, and I certainly wish all who are connected to it well, and even more success than ever before.

    I wonder--do you think actor David Tennant practices making these faces in the mirror at home?

    You know, saying that, I had a memory. I remember playing dress up in front of our long bathroom mirror. I would dress in my cowgirl outfits from Montgomery Ward, or in mum's old posh poofy dresses from the fifties. One time, mum brought a Mexican style sombrero from some party at the vilage's firehouse hall (dad was a volunteer fireman) that she and dad had gone to. I remember sticking the sombrereo on my head, taking mum's black eyebrow pencil and putting a mustache on me and draping a little striped rug over my shoulder--voila! I was a mexican bandito. I must have spent an hour making faces and posing in front of that mirror--I remember mum poking her head in and rolling her eyes at me. Must have been a lot of old Clint Eastwood movies and other spaghetti westerns on that year, ha-ha.

    I can't believe that I just admitted to that. May delete that later, once of thought about it some. ;)

    Well, going off to bed in a bit. Just sitting here blogging and listening to The Proclaimers and looking out the windows at the city in the night, sipping some cold juice and thinking about stuff, playing with the cats...a nice quiet evening.

    I'm not going to stop writing--just going to back off for a bit--keep to blogging and maybe strive to improve my professional writing--press releases, feature articles, practical stuff--real life stuff.

    MARCH! MAPLE SUGARING TIME!

  • Lost and Found

    It's strange. All this time, there was this partial play stuck in my Word files--and I never even knew it! I don't even remember writing it! I kind remember having a writing assignment in college--a "free" assignment, meant as a treat from one of my writing profs, where the students could write any type of work they wanted--and I remember the teacher telling me I could do a short play...as I recall, we'd been labouring over some very, very dry stuff, until then, and I remember being quite thrilled to do something "fun," for a change. So, I think this is what I started--and then, mum died. I didn't write creatively again--oh, probably for about five months, after this piece.

    But honestly--I guess I was so overwhelmed with grief at the time, I simply don't remember writing this work--but by the date, it must have been that last class project. I only got as far as a page or two. Ah well...it was a huge surprise, I must say. Like finding a long-forgotten childhood toy in a dusty attic trunk, sort of.

    I have no clue why I put Ralph inside Henry David Thoreau's cabin on Walden Pond--other than the fact that they both lived in Concord, and were both transcendentalists--I assume that he would have explained that in the exposition (beginning of the play)...but guess I'll never know, now.

    Here's what I wrote, for what it's worth:

    The Contraries (Rough draft)

    A short one-act play

    2005

    Characters
    RALPH---Ralph Waldo Emerson, American transcentdalist
    RENE----Descartes, French philosopher

    Setting: Interior of a small cabin at Walden Pond near Concord, Massachusetts. There is a rustic table, a chair, and a bed, a fireplace with a few iron utensils. A journal lies open on the table, an inkwell and quill pen beside it. A simple black coat is draped over the chair. It is 4:15 AM in early June, that time between night and morning, when the sky is only a shade lighter than the inky firmament of night. An outside door is at stage right.

    AT RISE: RALPH is sitting at the table, sleeping with his head upon his arms. RENE opens the door partway and steals a look inside He spies RALPH and quietly tip-toes over to the table. RENE looks over RALPH’S shoulder, glancing at the journal. Seeming intrigued, he gently picks it up. Going over to the bed, RENE sits down and begins reading reading.

    RENE: Hmm. Oui, I see. Interesting. Pure nonsense of course (Shrugs.), but--at least the man knows how to spell. One must give a man ‘is due for trying, I think. (Putting the journal aside, he gets up and moves to the fireplace.) I suppose that it is too much to hope for, that this…peasant, would have any coffee, a good cognac or a musical instrument No, no, no. (He walks around the perimeter of the cabin, looking.) Bah! What sort of man lives like this? What does ‘e do for ‘is pleasure? Clean ze dirt between ‘is toes? Count ze cobwebs on ze ceiling? What ‘ave I done to deserve such a fate? (Louder voice, looking heavenward.) Eh? It was not bad enough to live in Breda, with all of ze pipe smoking jovial Netherlanders. At least they had furniture, and ze beautiful paintings. Not even ze Dutch were so…so, uncouth. Oui, Monsieur God? (Sulking, he stalks around the room, hands behind his back, still looking up at his maker.) You know I do not like ze people, yet you put me ‘ere in this little ‘ut with a man who ‘as no cognac and no music. (Looks around in disgust.) And no interior decorator. I ‘ope you were not expecting me to converse with ‘im. If this man is a fellow countryman, I would not only submit to ze devil’s lake of fire, I would swim ze breaststroke. I cannot abide their inane discussions over their latest love poem. If ‘e is not French, one can only pray that ‘e cannot speak my language. I would actually ‘ave to say something to ‘im! Unless, of course, ‘e can do mathematical puzzles. (Makes a gesture.) Bah! But ‘e seems to be a writer. What good are they? They should stop writing ze stories, plays and essays, get themselves some worthy employment. Be a carpenter or a baker. I do not know what you were thinking. You create ze earth in seven days, then---whoops—you put ze human beings on it. My father once said to me, ‘e said, “René, only God is perfect.” (He walks over to RALPH and stands, looking down his nose at him.) Well, I call tell you, Monsieur God, this fellow here, is living proof that my father may have been drinking too much wine when ‘e said that.

    (RAPLH stir. He stretches and looks around groggily. Looking up, he gives a start when he sees RENE. For a moment, RALPH just sits and stares at RENE.)

  • A Dr Who-less Anti-BBC Saturday

    So, it's still Satuday...day two of my BBC boycott--I know it's probably petty, and Auntie Beeb could give a flying fig what someone like me does, it's true--but gosh, it does sort of make me feel like I'm doing something--even if, in reality, it's pretty much nothing at all. It's hard tho'...I'm on strike--even Dr. Who--and do you know how hard it is for a die-hard Whovian with no life, to go all day without blinking Dr. Who?

    Anyway. Boycott ends at around 6:45pm. So I've got to find other things to do--found out the museum is closed for today..so it's just me and me dirtys, heading out to the laundromat, yet again. Think I do the one across the Cooper's Cave bridge this time, in South Glens Falls. Ah well, such an exciting life I lead--well, at least this one has a cowboy bar and restaurant, next door, and a fab Italian place, just down the way, as well.

    SOME RURAL SCENES FROM NEARBY WASHINGTON COUNTY, NY:


    NEARBY ARGYLE, NEW YORK

    New Skete Monestary, Cambridge, NY--where the monks are reknown for their German Shepherds, and the nuns are known for their famous cheesecake.


    Quaint rural town of Cambrige, NY--home of NY City artists and antiques dealers and historic buildings--currently promoting itself as a filming location.

    One of many farms in the Cambridge valley, NY--the neighbouring state of Vermont's, Green Mountain range is in the background. The milk from this NY farm, is used to make famous Vermont Cabot cheddar cheese.

    One of several covered bridges in Washington County--this one is in Salem, NY.

    The main streets of Salem, NY

    Another glimpse of Argyle, NY

    Perched high on the mountainside overlooking the town below, is Skene Manor--a historic Victorian industrial-era home, in the town of Whitehall, NY. Now a museum, it is usually open to the public, and sometimes luncheon is served. Whitehall has the distinction of being the birthplace of the U.S. Navy--being on the southern end of Lake Champlain. The Champlain canal runs through the heart of the town.

    The unique Bridge Theater--an actual theatrical venue built into a real bridge over the Champlain Canal in Whitehall, NY, with interior photo shown below.

    One of my late mum's and my favourite picnic spots: Hulett's Landing (formally a post-Victorian holiday spot on 32-mile long Lake George) Photo taken near the Washington County park beach and picnic grounds.

    On the road to this park--located between Whitehall and Ticonderoga (Which is home to the nationally historic 18th century fort on Lake Champlain), NY--, is a lay-by with a sweeping view of the southern Champlain Valley...and you pass a scenic beaver pond below Black Mountain. The drive back, on a clear day, gives one a long-range view--all the way to New York's Catskill Mountain range--in the mid-Hudson Valley, nearly 125 miles away!

  • Radom stuff written out of sheer boredom


    WASHINGTON PARK, IN MY BIRTH CITY, OF ALBANY, NY, DURING THE ANNUAL TULIP FESTIVAL, WHICH HONOURS ALBANY'S 300 YR OLD DUTCH HERITAGE.

    Well! How lovely! It's going to get ABOVE freezing, today! Hooray!!! It's been hovering around minus 20 C on and off all week--but this Saturday morning it's mostly sunny, and just a couple of notches below freezing. There's a bit of moderate snowfall out to the western Adirondack mountains--where they've had between ten and fifteen FEET of snow (taken altogether, we've had about three and a quarter feet, so far this winter) and quite frankly, if I have to spend one more weekend trapped inside this little apartment, with only the cats, the internet and Doctor Who for company--I'm going to legitimately go mad!

    I mean it! I'm sick of winter, I'm sick of Glens Falls, I'm sick of my dingy walls (can't see them in those bad photos I showed of it in the previous blog, but trust me--the apartment isn't all that, looks-wise), I'm tired of doing virtually nothing, day after day, after day--or rather, the exact same thing the next day, that I did the day before.

    I'm not used to that. I'm used to doing something--good or bad--with my life. I hate standing still. I think that has contributed a lot to my depression. But with litmited funds and not much going on here--no choice.

    But, I think writing that stupid 10-minute play has finally put some energy into me. Can't say way or how, but...doing it has made me feel better. God! I miss college! I miss the daily challenge, the work, the start of each day holding the prospect of something new. Even the hour long rural drive to my other college (I first had to go to a 2 yr local school, due to the fact that we don't have a 4 yr school, locally) in Vermont, could be interesting.

    And, of course, there was caring for mum and our mobile home (caravan).



    PHOTOS OF MOBLIE HOMES SIMILAR TO OURS.

    The thing about mobile homes is--sure, they're economical, and affordable--but, (BIG but), when most hit the ten-year mark--they basically begin to literally fall apart at the seams. With ours: The roof, the furnace, the hot water heater, the mouldings, the front door, the plumbing, the wiring....it all went in the space of two years.

    Then, there's the weather to contend with. In 2002, we lost 50 percent of our skirting (the stuff that covers the bottom of the trailer--which sits up on blocks---so you can't see beneath--in a hurricane force wind. Insurance shelled out the 1000 dollars (500 pounds) to replace it. However, our insurance company went out of business shortly thereafter--the year we had an early heavy snowfall with heavy winds, that sent the large limb of a pine tree right through the roof--over my bed--where my pillow would normally be. Fortunately, the sound of trees crashing around us, scared me a bit that night, and I moved my bedding to the living room and slept on the sofa. But, the insurance company wouldn't cover an "act of God."--yeah, right. It's nice to know that insurance company is so religious. I wonder tho' did God really say---AND I SHALL MAKE THAT BIG TREE LIMB CRASH THROUGH THE ROOF OVER NANCY'S BED--AND IT WILL BE GOOD. No. Don't think so. Anyway, we had to hire someone to cover the roof with a blue tarp, until spring, when we could get it repaired properly...in the meantime, I spent the whole winter sleeping on the two-seater sofa, because that same storm also broke a window in my bedroom, and I didn't have the funds to fix it. Living in an apartment isn't something I care for--but it was starting to look good to me.

    Oh dear! Sun's gone in. Looks like that snow to the west is coming our way, afterall. What a shame. Anyway, think I'll do SOMETHING today--besides the usual Saturday errands, I mean.

    It's cold in here. Our heating in the 150 year old building, is a bit wonky. It either blasts you with heat---or there's barely any heat at all. No happy medium. It's either 2 to 5 degrees below what the thermostat is set at--or 2 or three degrees over. NEVER the ACTUAL temperature you want it to be! I am either shivering, or sweating. Ah well...the last place, the landlord's controlled the heat--they didn't live there, mind--and kept it set below 60 (below 15 C). Which isn't so bad in nice weather, but it easily gets below minus 20 C, here--as it has done for most of this week,...and even in the summer sometimes--not often, but sometimes--, we've been known to have frost of a morning. Still, it's looking to be over 1 C, today--first time in nearly two weeks--so I really can't make my excuses becuase it's too cold outside.

    So, after sitting here blogging, having my Green Mountain Roasters java nut coffee and some shortbread cookies (biscuits), I guess I've no more excuse to lay about, so I guess I'd best be off to do my chores. Maybe later, I'll walk down to the museum. Haven't been there in ages. I do miss having something constructive, that I enjoy, to do--really do--though, I must say.


    LAKE LUZERNE, FROM ONE OF THE TOWN'S TWO LAKESIDE PUBLIC BEACHES. (THEY HAD A THIRD PUBLIC BEACH ON THE HUDSON RIVER.) THIS WAS 1 MILE UP THE ROAD FROM WHERE WE HAD OUR MOBILE HOME, FROM 2001-2006.

  • I did it! So now what?

    So, I did it! I finished the stupid play, all ten pages. So...now what? Now I've got to find something else to do...awww-shucks. Can't think of a thing. Hmmm--I do a really good redneck accent...maybe I can buy an international calling card and do my own version of "Dead Ringers," and ring up a Virgin Radio DJ and bug him....or ring up some snobby country club looking for my cousin, the one I'm about to marry...or, I can ring up the BBC and demand that they start showing The Dukes of Hazzard every night?

    I dunno', what about it, am mostly broke, so can't go out anywhere, no one to come over, no TV, so...what do I do? Write something else? Play with the cats? Dance around the room with a lampshade on my head?

    Any ideas?

  • American Democracy? Where?

    The following news story is only news to the deaf, blind and dumb...basically, a vast majority of Americans. ;)

    For all the yak-yak about "freedom" that King George and the rest of his followers blather on about..I don't know. For a man that constantly chants the "freedom" mantra, and says that dictators are "evil," he sure doesn't practice what he preaches. Since 9/11, Americans have less freedoms now, than we've had for nearly 100 years!

    YES, HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT!

    Here's the news:

    WASHINGTON - The
    FBI improperly and, in some cases, illegally used the USA Patriot Act to secretly obtain personal information about people in the United States, a Justice Department audit concluded Friday.

    And for three years the FBI has underreported to Congress how often it forced businesses to turn over the customer data, the audit found.

    FBI agents sometimes demanded the data without proper authorization, according to the 126-page audit by Justice Department Inspector General Glenn A. Fine. At other times, the audit found, the FBI improperly obtained telephone records in non-emergency circumstances.

    The audit blames agent error and shoddy record-keeping for the bulk of the problems and did not find any indication of criminal misconduct.

    Still, "we believe the improper or illegal uses we found involve serious misuses of national security letter authorities," the audit concludes.

    At issue are the security letters, a power outlined in the Patriot Act that the Bush administration pushed through Congress after the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks. The letters, or administrative subpoenas, are used in suspected terrorism and espionage cases. They allow the FBI to require telephone companies, Internet service providers, banks, credit bureaus and other businesses to produce highly personal records about their customers or subscribers — without a judge's approval.

    About three-fourths of the national security letters were issued for counterterror cases, and the other fourth for spy investigations.

    FBI Director Robert S. Mueller called Fine's audit "a fair and objective review of the FBI's use of a proven and useful investigative tool."

    The finding "of deficiencies in our processes is unacceptable," Mueller said in a statement.

    "We strive to exercise our authorities consistent with the privacy protections and civil liberties that we are sworn to uphold," Mueller said. "Anything less will not be tolerated. While we've already taken some steps to address these shortcomings, I am ordering additional corrective measures to be taken immediately."

    Fine's annual review is required by Congress, over the objections of the Bush administration.

    The audit released Friday found that the number of national security letters issued by the FBI skyrocketed in the years after the Patriot Act became law.

    In 2000, for example, the FBI issued an estimated 8,500 letters. By 2003, however, that number jumped to 39,000. It rose again the next year, to about 56,000 letters in 2004, and dropped to approximately 47,000 in 2005.

    Over the entire three-year period, the audit found the FBI issued 143,074 national security letters requesting customer data from businesses.

    The FBI vastly underreported the numbers. In 2005, the FBI told Congress that its agents in 2003 and 2004 had delivered only 9,254 national security letters seeking e-mail, telephone or financial information on 3,501 U.S. citizens and legal residents over the previous two years.

    Additionally, the audit found, the FBI identified 26 possible violations in its use of the national security letters, including failing to get proper authorization, making improper requests under the law and unauthorized collection of telephone or Internet e-mail records.

    Of the violations, 22 were caused by FBI errors, while the other four were the result of mistakes made by the firms that received the letters.

    The FBI also used so-called "exigent letters," signed by officials at FBI headquarters who were not authorized to sign national security letters, to obtain information. In at least 700 cases, these exigent letters were sent to three telephone companies to get toll billing records and subscriber information.

    "In many cases, there was no pending investigation associated with the request at the time the exigent letters were sent," the audit concluded.

    The letters inaccurately said the FBI had requested subpoenas for the information requested — "when, in fact, it had not," the audit found.

    Senators outraged over the conclusions signaled they would provide tougher oversight of the FBI — and perhaps limit its power.

    "The report indicates abuse of the authority" Congress gave the FBI, said Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (news, bio, voting record), D-Vt. "You cannot have people act as free agents on something where they're going to be delving into your privacy."

    The committee's top Republican, Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter (news, bio, voting record), said the FBI appears to have "badly misused national security letters." The senator said, "This is, regrettably, part of an ongoing process where the federal authorities are not really sensitive to privacy and go far beyond what we have authorized."

    Sen. Russ Feingold (news, bio, voting record), D-Wis., another member on the panel that oversees the FBI, said the report "proves that 'trust us' doesn't cut it."

    Justice spokeswoman Tasia Scolinos said Attorney General Alberto Gonzales "commends the work of the inspector general in uncovering serious problems in the FBI's use of NSLs."

    The
    American Civil Liberties Union said the audit proves Congress must amend the Patriot Act to require judicial approval anytime the FBI wants access to sensitive personal information. "The Attorney General and the FBI are part of the problem and they cannot be trusted to be part of the solution," said Anthony D. Romero, the ACLU's executive director.

  • The Heart and Art of Morning

    I know I can't bring back the past--nothing will, in this life, I'm afraid.

    But it's good for me to remember...especially the true moments in which I was blessed with feelings of joy or serenity.

    The mornings seemed an especially blessed time for me.

    The way the mist would hang low over the Hudson River, over my low rolling sad gray hills. The silence, the magical silence, where even the wind seemed stilled by the awe of the daily miracle we call the dawn.

    The soaring, gliding red-tailed hawk, swooping down low over the field, then circling, circling, circling...higher and higher, into the far reaches of the pale blue morning sky...until...she shrank to a tiny dot, and disappeared into the heavens altogether, like a magical creature--and I suppose, to me, she was, in a way.

    The exultation of seeing the sky changing before my very eyes--a living work of art...the stillness of the moment, that imparted itself, impressed itself, forever into my soul. The joy of morning.

  • The BBC are nothing but a bunch of chav snobs!!!

    Okay, now I'm truly ticked off. For about a week now, I've been able to view certain Doctor Who related videos released by the BBC on YouTube--through an agreement with YouTube. I thought "Oh, how lovely and thoughtful!" And, I made the mistake of subscribing to the BBC vids.

    Now, I am banned from seeing these videos--NO REASONS GIVEN---thanks very much! NONE. I'm just no longer allowed to view these videos!

    BBC, you are a bunch of chavs pretending to be decent, civilized human beings! YOu give someone like me, who has NO OTHER WAY to see these lovely videos, a week of treat--then you just yank it away, without so much as a courteous "sorry." I love Doctor Who...and this kind of puts a damper on one of the very few genuine pleasures I still have left to me. It really was a rotten thing to do, and totally discourteous!

    I totally adore the BBC programmes, but after this little childish stunt, I must say, if it weren't for Doctor Who, I'd totally boycott all BBC programmes and merchandise as of right now.

    We have more than enough money-grubbing nit-picking chavs in America--don't need you as well, thanks. I've heard this is not the first time you've yanked shows without reason. I really loved being able to see the video diaries from Season Three. But I guess if you don't like us American fans--and you've proved that nicely, time and again, over the last three decades...! What with the ultra-high costs for American PBS stations, running roughshod over PBS stations and American fan clubs, and now giving us shows and previews, and then just yanking them off for no good reason--I am, of course, assuming if you had a GOOD reason, you tell us--but since you chose to ignore us, your reasons probably are rather lame. Oh sure, you treated us to a traveling Who exhibit in '88--and that was nice, I admit---mostly, you either ignore us or treat us like the dirt beneath your feet. Enough!

    I got stuck behind a fully loaded manure spreader once, on a very hot summer's day, on a winding two-lane country road, with "No passing" signs, and a broken air conditioner in my car. And I must say, Auntie Beeb, it didn't smell half as bad as this little stunt you've pulled.

    YO! BBC!

    Oh, and also:

    CHEERS, MATE!

  • Farewell to a lovey man and a great comedian

    I've just learned that actor John Inman has passed on. Oh how sad. He gave me and my late mum, so much joy, in his portrayal of Mr. Humphries in Are You Being Served?

    I can't tell you how fantastic it was, to see my mum, who sometimes was so ill, that she could not make herself tea or coffee, or use the loo alone--to see her falling all over herself in peals of laughter, at the antics of Mr. Humphries. Of course, she loved all the cast of that show, but Mr. Inman was her especial favourite...and mine, as well.

    So, to his family, his partner and his friends, I do express my most heartfelt condolences. He truly had a wonderful gift, and I'm sure that many, like myself, will sorely miss him.

  • Pondering in Public

    Well, it's true, I've been a bit under the weather, mentally speaking, of late. But, I'm trying to use it to my advantage, when I can.

    I'm using it to to slowly re-examine my position in life--tho' I must say, I'm not really liking what I'm envisioning--still, I've come to realize that it could be--and in fact, very much has been, much, much worse.

    For the first time ever, in the whole of my existence, I'm deeply examining my inner-self. I'm dialoging (yes, I did just make up a word) with both myself, and, through both this blog and the play I'm writing, the world at large (or, at small--don't have all that many readers, afterall), and it's been difficult, yes. Very much so.

    I've never in my life been so candid with anyone--perhaps even myself--about what's going on inside my life--and my head.

    Oftentimes, I feel quite awkward, like a new born foal taking it's first steps when it's just minutes old:

    That's how I genuinely feel, when I'm talking about something so incredibly personal and private. I wasn't joking about how people with my disability are treated, here in the states. I really have no outlet--except a state-run clinic, which is not a good place, in most cases.

    So, I'm slowly coming out--in a manner of speaking--something that was not an option to me before. But it is, very hard, to put it mildly.

    The play? Well...I've been asked by two people now, if they can see it when I'm done. Normally, I'd be pretty shy about showing my work, but I've learned to bite the bullet, and publicly face either the kudos or the humiliation rather stoically. But this play is different. It's personal. I mean, very. Some of it is how I've felt, how I feel. Things I've experienced. And, some of it is just made up, of course, to fill in the blank spots...just like a painter uses pastels or whites, to fill in the background of a painting, I suppose.

    But I'm not sure if I'm THAT ready for people to see that part of me. And, I wouldn't want to, additionally, alarm or distress any of my friends. Most of sad stuff I've written into the work, I'm not feeling now, but...I was feeling in the not-so-distant past. I'm not sure my friends are ready for this, either.

    It's not that the work is especially deep--and it's really not totally dark, either. I mean, how deep and dark can an ametuer like me get, in a ten-minute play format? I've written, maybe, five or six short plays and/or skits in my whole entire lifetime--maybe one or two more, can't remember now. That hardly qualifies me as a playwright, or even as a writer, for that matter. So, it's nothing earth-shattering. It's just...personal.

    Anyway, learning to speak and write about the things that I'm going through, has been really good for me. I don't think--no, in fact, I know---that I wouldn't be alive today, if I hadn't taken that one tiny step, and simply publicly expressed myself.

    Of course, I had the help of a few good friends, as well--never met 'em, but gosh, I really love you guys. (Huge hug!)

    THE "HAPPY FACE" CRATER: MARS

  • Pics of my home and the street I live on

    I apologize for the poor quality of these photographs--the disposable camera I was using had a non-functioning flash, and also the place I took it to be developed didn't have a photo editor function on their CD, like the place does where I usually take the film to be develops--plus, I'm not that great shakes at photography. So, sorry for the poor pics--several simply didn't come out at all, and many are very dark, but...here are the one's that are at least a little bit legible.
    THIS IS MY STREET, LOOKING SOUTH TOWARDS DOWNTOWN GLENS FALLS, NY. TAKEN SATURDAY 3RD MARCH.

    THESE ARE PICS OF MY FRONT ROOM--THE LIVING ROOM:

    HALF THE BEDROOM PICS DIDN'T COME OUT, BUT HERE'S WHAT I HAVE (IT'S A SMALL ROOM ANYHOW):

    " alt="" title="" />

    AGAIN, SORRY FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE PICS--SOMEDAY MAYBE I'LL GET ANOTHER KODAK EZ LOAD AGAIN (DROPPED MINE IN THE SEA, SADLY--WAS A GREAT CAMERA, TOO)...BUT FOR NOW, 'FRAID THESE WILL HAVE TO DO.

    HERE'S THE KITCHEN (EXCEPT FOR ONE CORNER THAT DIDN'T COME OUT AT ALL)

    I LEFT OFF THE BATH--AFTERALL, A LOO'S A LOO'--MINE'S GOT A SLIGHTLY NAUTICAL MOTIF, BUT REALLY, IT'S JUST A SINK, A LOO, AND A SHOWER STALL...LIKE I SAID, A LOO'S A LOO.

  • Some Video Anti-depressants

    A little something to temporarily chase away the winter blues:

  • Stop! Reading this entry while operating heavy machinery may be dangerous...

    Yes, boys and girls, it yet another boring blog entry. And yes, that's me. I was outside of work on Sunday, getting some fresh air during our ever-so-generous 10 min. break, leaning against the sign, waiting for my co-worker to figure out how to work the camera, when she started shaking her bootie and singing "Stop! In the name of Love." As I was cracking up, she snapped the photo--last one on the roll, so there's the end result above.

    It's another boring day, here in Glens Falls. It got up to a whole 8 degrees F, today. Wow, talk about a tropical heat wave--yes, I'm being very sarcastic, so sue me.

    Nothing much happened in in the city of Glens Falls today. Some people with heart conditions had to be rushed to the ER at the local hospital, due to breathing in the extreme cold. The multi-state lottery (which includes NY) Mega-Millions, is up to over 370 million dollars (half that to convert to pounds)....ah, let's see there was some news outside the city...there was a water main break in the nearby town of Fort Edward...in South Glens Falls, parents are up in arms because the school district there failed to appoint a girl's soccer (football) coach. A woman falsely reported an abduction attempt, and a fire destroyed a family of six's 100 year old home in the rural town of Fort Anne--no one was injured but it was a total loss for the family, sadly, and in West Fort Ann, a fallen tree caused a two car accident, with only minor injuries. Ummm--and that's about it, I reckon.

    Me, I'm a bit tired and bored--and I am in a lot of pain, from my joints. The weather. It'll clear up, but it makes things a bit miserable for me, at day's end, sometimes. Tough gettin' old, ey? Too much physical labour and hard play, when I was younger, and too much time in the cold, as well...takes its toll on you once you get over 40, as any farmer or horseman or contruction worker or outdoorsperson can tell you. You just take some Ibuprofen, hot showers or baths, a little liniment, and you just live with it. No big deal.

    I'm going to write a few lines to my play in a bit--got an idea last night, jotted it down, but haven't felt like writing, until now. Three or four more pages, and that's done and out of the way. Not that I'm not enjoying it--but I'm also glad when a piece is finish--tho' to me, a work is never really finished, no matter how good or bad it may be. And this play is pretty bad, I must say. It is deeply personal, but, in reality, not very deep. I've never quite mastered the art of digging deep into my angsts--not in public so much, at least. Wish I could--but never was much at abstract or philisophical thinking, really. I'm not even bothering to edit or re-write this play...just running off the dialog as I go. That's the nice thing about when you write just for you--no pressure to nail it, to get it perfect, or nearly so...just the pleasure of the words and the action as you see it in your mind...no worry about whether someone will really hate it, or at best, not understand what you are trying to do.

    Took some more pics of the cats--as well as my apartment. I will post the pics of the cats--but will only post pictures of my home, if my friends request it--and it will be strictly a "friends only" post, at that. Anyone from the general public wanting to see my apartment's interior, will have to e-mail me a request, please.

    So, without further ado, here's the cats:

    That's a nosy Flame staring into the camera--Boots is in the background.

    This is His Royal Highness, Bonnie Prince Charlie, taking in the view of the street down below--watching for birds or snowflakes, I suspect.

  • This is why I love horses

    Well, I would have liked to show this video on my site, but still haven't come up with how to do it.

    So here's a link to a few YouTube videos, that shows you EXACTLY why I love horses.

    LORENZO: THE FLYING FRENCHMAN AND HIS LOVELY CAMARGUE HORSES:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9_mdwvU1Gc

    PATCHES: THE HORSE THAT THINKS HE'S HUMAN!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teHfyby_veU

    We used to have a horse in the barn where I worked, that was a lot like the black horse in this video--only the one in our barn was dark bay...but his paddock was next to the road, and cars would stop and watch him prance and dance around his enclosure! He was well worth the watching, proud boy!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chBUJWtTHtM

  • "Do you KNOW what time it is in ARIZONA!!??!!"

    Well, I'll be heading off again, this morning, to begin working the day shift again. Chav-tastic. Calling really nice people who'll be slamming phones down in my ear, Screaming stupid questions at me and generally throwing assorted maledictions in my direction. I love my job! Well, at least they're throwing a new phone script at me this morning...we'll see how it goes. This place uses the most half-arsed, way too lengthy and hopelessly verbal phone scrips. I mean for pity's sake--I fall asleep halfway through the pitch, most times--it's no wonder we have so many hang-ups. I mean, the writer who writes this junk must think he's out for a Nobel Prize or is trying to write the telemarketing version of War and Peace. Geez---

    Well, there's frost on the inside of the front window this morning, just checked the outside temp--about minus 3 F, that's about minus 19 C to you folks on the other side of the pond. It was snowing a bit, earlier, but seems to have stopped. Looks like we might have clear skies, this morning, at any rate.

    You lot may have flowers coming up over in the UK, but here in northeastern New York we're still in the deep freeze. Ah well...wanna' trade?

  • Oh well...at least I tried....

    Oh well...I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to jinx it, but I took a chance and submitted an article to what I thought was a legitimate UK travel e-zine.

    Ha! I got this formal looking e-mail--looked like the real thing, even referred to a former article I'd written last spring that had been published online in several places...

    I got the e-mail, and it said it was from some travel e-zine in the UK, and it was offering a 100 pounds for travel articles from outside the UK. Okay, so I had written two tourism-related articles, and the offer sounded legit--they even had a website link.

    So last night, with the deadline approaching, I type like mad to finish the brief article I'd written on New York's two major canal systems. Got into their website at 3.10 am this morning--sleep aids take a while to kick in with me, so I was still somewhat awake--anyhow, I got a response tonight--yeah.

    Seems they are going to pay 100 pounds (that's about 200 dollars, to me, which I sure could use)--but...oh yes, there's a but....to "qualify" as a writer with their "publication" you also had to be a subscriber! Ah--a new scam. Fan-frickin'-tastic. All that work for nothing. Well, I can re-submit it elsewhere, and may, but I won't see any money for my efforts. Darnitall! I'm usually so careful about avoiding these types of scams--why me?

    Oh well, live and learn. This is similar to the old poetry contest scams--they'll publish your poem--even give you a certificate of "honor" but...then they'll try to sell you a 45 to 75 dollar poetry book--with your poem in it, of course.

    Live and learn, live and learn...

  • Monday Winding Down

    So, it's Monday, going on half past eight in the evening. Didn't get half the things done today that I'd planned on--including the laundry.

    Some days are like that. My depression is back, sadly. (Pun unintended.) About all I accomplished today was the washing up of my supper dishes and I wrote two more pages to my rather boring play.

    Actually, today I've felt a bit like an empty stage--after the audience has gone, the actors have gone off to learn more lines, and the lights are turned off. Just a flat barren space in a deserted hall.

    I wish I could say why, but...I dunno'. I just really don't. Just four walls echoing back my random thoughts at me.

    Monday didn't start out too well. Last night, came home from work with a bit of a headache--talking to nasty people on the phone for five hours steady will do that to you..anyway, I took what I thought were two regular pain relievers--only to realize too late that I'd taken the pain relievers with the sleep aid in them instead--the full dose, at that, instead of the half-dose I sometimes take. I try to avoid taking sleep aids unless I really need them desperately--mainly because they do put me to sleep, eventually--but then, I wind up wanting to sleep the whole next day, as well. Not good.

    Woke up very late--nearly 11.00am--never sleep that late, unless I am quite ill with pneumonia or something. Get up, have my breakfast, am about to climb into the shower--yesterday I'd tidied the apartment--but left off the kitchen floor and bath for today. Well, wouldn't you know it? Without warning, the new landlord's show up--with their building inspectors! And here I am, looking like rubbish, not having even had a cup of tea or a wash, yet. The bath was a disaster--filthy! Dirty laundry piled up, dirty loo, dirty litterbox, dirty floor--I'd not cleaned the loo in nearly a week, and forgot to clean the litterbox the night before....ugh! Mind you, legally, they broke the law, as they are not allowed to enter apartments without first giving 24 hours notice--barring a genuine police or fire emergency, that is. And did we get notice? No--second time they've done that. Gawd! I was mortified! I was so embarrassed! So I've got four people wandering around my apartment with me looking like a street person, and my apartment's loo looking like it hadn't been cleaned in two months.

    And if that wasn't bad enough...after they left...I looked down to discover that my zipper of my jeans was unzipped. Lovely.

    Well, the play's coming along, at any rate. I'm actually up to page six--only a few more pages to go (I'm trying for a ten-minute play format), it's not very riveting, but I'm enjoying messing about with the dialog--it's only two characters, so it's not very difficult, in that respect. But it's totally different from anything I've ever written before--because some of it comes from my own life--not all, but enough. It's proving good therapy, as it's keeping me from just moping about the apartment all day. Don't know what I'll do with it, when it's done. File it and forget it, like the rest of my stuff, I suppose. But, at least I'm not lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Wish I was manic--then see me work! I hate feeling like this, tho. Mom used to accept it--or, she'd learned ways of trying to snap me out of it--although sometimes she'd get impatient with me, which tho' it sometimes hurt, I always understood. There's no one to pull me out of this, anymore--I'm on my own, and I just have to learn to adjust.

    I think maybe, not sure mind, but maybe part of the problem is that before--things were just happening so fast, tumbling in on top of one another, that I didn't have time to think much about what was happening--I was too busy trying to survive through another day, another week--there was no pause, no let-up. Now, there is. And it's been difficult, to say the least, dealing with the "all stop" when your Titanic has been zig-zagging through life's storm-tossed ocean for so long.

    Well...it's not easy, but I'm trying. Some days tho', trying doesn't seem enough. Some days I don't feel like writing, or blogging, or watching Doctor Who, or reading a book--or even eating or sleeping. Some days, I just sit, look out the front windows, and wish I was somewhere else.


    No, no no, Tex! I said "an empty stage!" Not "empty the stage!" Geez---
    :)

  • I Wish...

    I wish...

    I wish I could go for a drive in the country with a friend and some really good music for company.

    I wish I still had my Shamrock (my half-collie dog I had in my teens) and could just walk out the door again, into the woods, free as the hawk soaring above us.

    I wish I could see Series three of Dr Who.

    I wish I had a career...or a job that I loved.

    I wish I could meet my internet friends.

    I wish it were summer and I could go on a picnic...and maybe fishing or something, too.

    I wish I could take riding or (horse) driving lessons.

    I wish I could be a real playwright or something similar.

    I wish I had someone to hang out with, or someone who could come over and hang out with me, once in a while.

    I wish I could belong to a group again--one that accepted me for me, and didn't judge me by my income or my attire, or whatever.

    I wish I had loads of Doctor Who stuff

    I wish I could collect antique saddlery again.

    I wish I could put a nice stone on my late-mum's grave.

    I wish I had a camera and knew how to take pictures, so I could show the world all the neat things I see.

    I wish I could cook for someone, again--and maybe have someone cook for me, as well.

    I wish I had a really good pair of hiking boots--and a cowboy hat, and woods of my own to walk in, so I could feel more like myself again.

    I wish I knew how to be "part of the crowd."

    I wish I had a quiet place to live, that was all my own, so I could write--and never worry about losing my home again.

    I wish I had a model train set--and room to develop my own little "town" for it--and, of course, the money to do it.

    I wish I could afford to lease a horse for a day--and ride wherever I want--so I could pretend for one day, that I really did own a horse of my own.

    I wish I had a family--a real family, that cared about me, that would notice if I was missing.

    I wish I could just walk into a book store, and buy any book(s) I wanted.

    I wish I could see a play at a theater again--or even better, help with a production again.

    I wish it was Spring.

  • Some More Reflections on Writing

    As much as I love it, writing doesn't come easy for me--especially when I'm really going deep, and getting personal. In a nutshell, I don't like opening my own Pandora's Box. It's why I wasn't often tapped for parts in acting class in college--well, that and my lousy memory--but I hate going below the surface--there's a lot of unpleasant stuff under there, that I've never shared with anyone--tho' I'm trying more now.

    Blogging helps. Less then a handful of my readers know my true identity, so that's a big plus...no pressure worrying that I'll lose friends, or be treated differently, for being myself, or stating my true problems and/ or feelings.

    Writing is good therapy for me. I write leaning on every word for support. Words are my ideas that have been locked inside me, shoved out into the open air. The blank page is the door, and the pen or keyboard, are the keys that unlocks that door.
    But it's not easy--and I'm constantly trying to find ways to challenge myself--without the guidence of a teacher, it's hard for me to progress all on my own, but I try--I try to, every once in a while, change my thinking as I write, from just the horizontal and the vertical, to also encompass the diagonal and the zig-zag and the circle. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm a pretty simple, straightforward person, and thinking abstractly is really quite difficult for someone like me--but I do try, once in a while, to keep myself "fresh," as both a thinker and a writer. But, it's very, very hard. I find I often miss having an instructor, or a group, to toss new ideas at me, to challenge me to go the next step beyond.

    My writer's voice was influenced, mostly in my teens and late twenties, by works of the poets and other writers of the 18th century. I was never taught this stuff in school--I never formally studied anything by Shakespeare until I was 44 years of age---, but somehow, I managed on my own, in my late youth, to gravitate towards the wonderful writings I found in various poetry and plays, and also in 18th century and early 19th century school books that I had found in a used book shop. I adored the sound of the words, the music of the language of the 18th century--it was something entirely out of my ken--never even knew this stuff existed, before I was 15 or so. Beautiful words, lovely words--paragraphs rolling off the tongue, flowing from the page...I was just gobsmacked. And, I fell in love with the written word.

    Additionally, mum got a copy of Essays by Ralph Waldo Emerson in her library. I found his essay on nature, and fell in instant love with the trancendentalists--even tho' I'd no clue at the time, what they were about. From Emerson, I progressed, quite naturally to Thoreau's Walden--which I found stiff going, but still, a great read. And I also discovered 19th and early 20th century poems.

    I think, as well, the time I spent in nature had certainly, a huge influence on me as a writer. It was about the late 70's that I first started keeping a journal. Often this journal would record my thoughts and observations while outdoors. I often referred to it in later years when writing poetry or essays.

    Being in nature did a lot for me. Being outside helped to form whom I was to become--who I am--inside. Sitting alone on a sunny hillside under a graceful pine and spruce, or in a shady glen alongside the singing stream, helped my mind and soul relax to to the point, where I stopped observing, and became a part of the life around me. It opened me to more esoteric thoughts and gave greater depth to my voice as a writer. And for that, I will always be grateful.

    THOREAU'S WALDEN POND, CONCORD, MASSACHUSETTS.

  • I am a Fun Blog Entry

    I Am a Fun Blog Entry

    Whoopie!
    Pop the cracker,
    Blow your horn,
    Dance around the room.
    Conga my words, baby!
    Put a lampshade on my head!
    Pound those keys, sweetknees.
    Fly pen, fly!
    I'm a fun blog entry,
    hooray for me!
    Aren't I fun?

  • Myself as Writer: Speaking my Soul

    I don't think--probably never will--that I'm anything special, so far as my writing goes. That said, Writing is not something that I take lightly. Words are far more precious to me than all of the diamond rings in Tiffany's display cases.

    I believe that Cervantes was right, when he wrote: "The pen is the tongue of the mind."

    When I speak, I don't always have the opportunity to think about what it is that I'm going to say. It's different when I write. Whether it's a work by Thomas Paine, or directions on how to perform the Heimlich maneuver, words have changed history and saved lives.

    Writing is as much of an art form as painting, or acting or composing a musical score. The picture pleases the eye, the actor enlightens the heart and soul, the music charms the ear--and words, words inspire the mind.

    Whenever I pick up a pen, or my fingers touch the keys of my keyboard, it's like my soul is being laid out on a cold hard slab, under the harsh lights of the world at large. I feel compelled with to make every paragraph count for something. Each word is like a brush-stroke, every sentence or phrase is like layering melodies into the complex song of my life--of who I am inside. It's the flaying open of the very core of my soul.

    People have been imprisoned for writing about their feelings and observations, for writing the truth about themselves and the world around them. Others have died--and continue to die--for hastily written graffiti scrawled upon a prison wall, in a last ditch effort to let the world know the truth buried in their heart and soul and mind.

    My words may not be as important or vital as those who came before me, and those who will come after--but still, there's always this urge in me to write something--anything, and it cannot be stilled. And I'm not sure I'll ever want it to be.

  • And now for a bit of cow humor...

    Cows are funny creatures--dumb as the dirt they stand on, but funny.

    Ever watch a milk cow run? It's a hoot! I was driving down a country road one day, alongside a cow path--and this Holstein heifer decided to run uphill--You should'a seen those teats fly! Flopping merrily back and forth in the breeze--oh, they really should make bras for cows, I'm tellin' you! It was one of those times one wishes one had a camcorder.

    There were these two dairy cows, chatting across the fence to each other. One says, "I'm really worried about this Mad Cow thing that's going around. The other cow merely swishes her tail and says, "Oh I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's not going to effect us sheep."

    I hear NASA is sending a cow to the moon--the first cow in udderspace. (Okay, that was lame)

    What do you call a cow with no head, legs or tail? Roast beef.

    One day, I was wearing a leather jacket. A yuppie woman came up to me. Jabbing a finger at my jacket she said, "Did you know a cow was murdered to make that coat?" Doing my best imitation of a nutter, I said, "I didn't know anyone knew...oh dear, now I'll have to kill you too."

    A professor at a college in the state of Colorado has been studying cow farts for 20 years. I wonder how that works out at cocktail parties: "And what do you do for a living...?"

    A yuppie couple moved their family out to a ranch in Montana. A friend from back east came to see them, and commented on the fancy branding iron they choose to mark their cattle with. "Yeah," says hubby. "We couldn't decide on a brand. I wanted the Bar-X, the wife wanted the Lazy Y, our son wanted the circle A, and our daughter wanted the rocking B and my mother-in-law demanded that it be the diamond G. So we had the blacksmith make us a branding iron that reads the Bar-X, Lazy Y, Circle A, Rocking B, diamond G." The friend then asked where all the cattle were, having not seen a single one on the place. The yuppie shook his head sadly, "None of them survived the branding."


    Instead of a teddy, Herbert takes Daisy to bed with him.

  • Rainy Day Thoughts

    It's a gloomy dark day, here. The big storm's turned into a bit of a joke--oh, we got about 2 inches of snow (instead of the 5 to 10 inches predicted), plenty of ice from the freezing rain (which has mostly now melted)...now, it's just a rainy winter day. How dreary. Rain in winter....can't get more depressing than that.

    Oh don't get me wrong--I really do like the rain. But somehow, for this part of the world, rain just seems so...wrong, for this time of the year. Maybe in the UK it's normal--but we should be getting at least some snow until mid-March, at least--if not clear into early May. March 3rd seems just too early for mild weather.

    There's been years when the first snow fell in late-October, and the last snow fell in nearly mid-May. Of course, that doesn't happen every year. This year, we were in a virtual snow-drought until February--unheard of ever before--but it made up for it, as I've mentioned before, by dumping 3 feet of snow on us in one 24 hour shot.

    Still, there's something so nice and natural, about snow on a winter's day. Rain--in winter, it's just...rain. No promise of spring, no feeding the crops, no heralding in Autumn--it's just...I dunno', not the same. But then, March is always a bit of a depressing month, seasonally speaking. I mean, it's no longer the heart of winter, but it's not really anywhere's near springtime, either. Ah well. In 5 or 6 more weeks, the buds'll be on the trees, and the new grass will be tryin' to poke it's head up outta' the brown stuff.

    Still, it's going to be fairly warm for a few more days--by "warm," I mean actually above freezing--something we've not seen in about 4 weeks, now.

    Albeit, we're predicted to get an "arctic blast" come next week--back to near sub-zero F temps. Oh joy. Something to look forward to, then.

    But, the weather's depressing, today, that's for sure.

    Or maybe I'm just depressed. I can't always tell. And yes, this blog's about to take a deeply personal turn, so if it makes you uncomfortable, here's your one and only warning not to read further.

    I'm sure my talking about my mental illness must make some readers uncomfortable--and I'm sorry about that...if it makes any difference, I've never really been comfortable with talking about it, myself.

    So I write in my blog--personally, it's much easier for me than talking to some overworked, totally indifferent state health plan therapist, who can barely remember your name, and can never remember what was discussed in the last session, and who gets snarky if you run over your time, or are so much as five minutes late.

    Manic-depression can be difficult to live with--but I'm finding it's not as bad living alone, as when I had someone around me all the time. It's hard, living with my illness--but doubly so, when sharing your life with someone. There's always the worry that you'll do something or say something to make that person unhappy, or angry or uncomfortable, or, vice-versa. And I don't have that worry on me, now. And it's hard, for anyone who's "normal," to understand what this is like. The depressions, especially. Sometimes, depression is taken for laziness. That only serves to make me feel worse. Sometimes, the manic stage--and espeically, the tempermental periods, are horrible, as well. The restlessness, the being easily distracted, the fleeting obsessions--I wouldn't want someone to live with me, anymore. I don't like myself much, if the truth be known, when I'm like that--and I wouldn't dream--can't even imagine--having someone share that with me. It's something I could never ask anyone to do--and I no longer believe that there will ever be anyone that would want to be that close to me. Who would? If I don't like being me--how can I ever expect someone else to want that?

    So, I talk a lot about being physically alone--but the hard truth is, the reality is, that I HAVE to be. There's really no other choice. I'd rather be alone to the end of my days, than have someone I care about get hurt because of what I am.

  • An Oxy-Moron Museum?

    Okay, tell me I'm not the only one: Who out there finds it really ironic, that the United State's number one city for murder rates (over 350, I believe, in 2003), is now going to play host to a national law enforcement museum?

  • Truth, or Peace?

    Today, coming back from the wonderful world of WalMart, as the Taxi was going out of the suburb back into the city, there is this one spot--where there is a broad sweeping view--for nearly 100 miles--on a clear day such as we had, this afternoon. If you can get past the traffic, streetlamps, trafficlights, big intersections, stores and muffler shops and all that life in suburban sprawl entails--the view was magnificent.

    The photo above are the very mountains I could see---and even the mountains beyond this mountain range. Of course, I was viewing these from a good 60 miles off--so not so picturesque--but still, it was a nice--if brief, break in my dull routine.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson once said something to the effect that man could choose between truth and repose.

    Facing the truth--our own realities, whatever they may be, is sometimes quite harsh. To be self-aware can be both a blessing and a curse. So, is it any wonder, I so often choose to spend time in the peace of nature. In nature, I can be myself, truly myself--but at the same time, my realities all slip away from me, when I'm out there. I know it's not good to stay away too long from your real life--harsh and unforgiving as it can sometimes seem, but still...the pause, the repose of nature, is like a healing balm for a sore heart and soul.

  • Arrgh! I did it again!

    Okay, said I wasn't going to air out any more of my "Oh poor me," angsts--sorry. I was in a bad mood, last night--6 hours of constant talking, five hours saying the same 10 to 15 minute script over and over again--7 1/2 times, in all--and loads of snarky nasty people--one yappy poodle-ish woman shrilling in my ear, "Do YOU KNOW what time it is in ARIZONA??!!??"

    No, I'm on the east coast--and Arizona is moronic when it comes to US time zones--the state doesn't reckognize daylight savings time, or time zones or whatever--so I've no idea if she's two or three hours behind me. And anyway, what am I, Big blinking Ben? Geez---. :roll:

    Anyway, sorry if my last blog was stupid and self-pitying--just re-read it, and realize how lousy it reads. Not what I intended writing--shouldn't write when I'm tired and/ or not feeling up to par, I guess--and in a bad mood, to boot.

    By the way, I did post a link to one of my plays--just to prove that I really am not joking about being a bad writer. I won't say where the link is, but those who I've recently sent comments to, should be able to find it, if they look, I hope--and they are curious, I suppose. My plays really are rubbish--this I know for fact, as I've had a couple of bad critiques from two people in theater--both of whom I greatly respect. It hasn't stopped me from writing, but it has cooled my enthusiasm for having a reading of one of my plays--but sure, I still daydream about it--but it really is only a misty distant daydream, and nothing more. And that's fine--I'm really okay with that.

  • If Image is everything--then I'm nothing.

    Gah, I'm knackered again. But, the weather's a bit warmer--actually made a few degrees above freezing, today, and it was sunny--too bad I was too ill this morning to enjoy it. But the afternoon lie down did wonders and I'm actually feeling a tad ambitious...thinking that if I ever get my hands on some nice--but cheap..well, okay, very very cheap...paint, I might just paint the trim around some of the doorways and maybe the front windows, in a contrasting colour--if I can reach that high, that is--very high ceilings, here in my building. But, I'm still feeling a tiny bit off-colour, so think I'll wait a bit before I try my Michaelangelo impression.

    And, I wrote--or to be more specific, completely re-wrote--my play. Very dark and depressing, and completely rubbish, but when has that ever stopped me, ey? Got the opening monologue down at any rate, and the dialog up to halfway of page 2--not a very auspicious start, but...it's something, anyway. No clue why I'm doing this play--just bored, I guess. I don't need to write plays--even if they were halfway decent, there's no real venues for non-pro playwrights--not unless you are a student, I mean. There's lots of small venues for established playwrights, but...I don't have the proper credentials--I've no clue how things are done in the UK, but here in the states--image is EVERYTHING.

    And the harsh reality is, I'm nobody...I'm not trendy, or fashionable, nor do I have an impressive degree or job, I'm not particularly attractive--not by American standards--I've belonged to various little groups before, over the past 30 years--theater, politics, poetry, history--and to a last one, was not taken seriously, only because I didn't fit the group's perceived "image." I'm serious.

    There were people in these groups who's ideas and work--and attire--were much better than mine--and they let me know it at every opportunity. And it's a bit intimidating, when people you want to work with, and hopefully, form working friendships with, have a bad (snarky, snobby, stuck-up, superior, etc.) attitude towards you, right from the get-go. When I was a volunteer at the National (antique) Bottle Museum, years ago, the museum's secretary had a sudden medical problem and they would be without him for two months--I was asked to step in as temporary acting secretary--because I was, at the time, secretary of a local fan club, Doctor Who Northeast--this was around 1987 or '88, I think. Well, two days after being asked, I get a call one night, by this really snarky sounding guy--no clue who he was, other than he was on the museum's board--- questioning me about my about my secretarial abilities--first question: "Can you read?" Answer (as I recall): Better than you can--my mum's a librarian." I think I politely hung up on him, after that---I was a bit shocked, angry and hurt, to say the least. And this attitude, I'm sorry to say, is rather typical for my part of the USA. If you're not "in," you're rubbish. And that's just the way it is.

    So, I just do stuff quietly at home, write my little blogs, play a little online cribbage-have to let the computer do the pegging, I'm lost at scoring in cribbage--listen to some music. I have a co-worker who ordered a CD and doesn't like it--so she's selling it to me half price, rather than ship it back. Funny, it's one I've heard selections from on an internet station--but never thought of buying myself. It's an instrumental album--I guess it would fall into the 'new age' music category....Music of the Great Smoky Mountains. It's nice, the few tracks I've heard of it. Good for writing to, at any rate. And I get it for only 4 dollars. So now my CD "collection" numbers a grand total of two.

    THE GREAT SMOKY MOUNTAINS OF TENNESSEE

    Not a very interesting blog entry--sorry, still a bit "down"--I fight depression tooth and nail--but sometimes it gets a wee bit stubborn, and insists on hanging on--but I'm tryin'.

    Yup, I'm just plain old heavyset, dumpy ol' me...and that's that. Never gonna' get any Hollywood makeovers, or wear posh suit dresses or be invited to tea. Not that I wouldn't say no, but, truth to tell, I'll always be more at home in jeans and hiking boots, plaid shirts and all...it's just who I really am. I like dressing posh now and again, but...I'm just a sorry old overgrown tomboy at heart.

    My David Tennant fan friend e'd me this morning--seems she got an autograph of the guy. She's over the moon, and I'm quite happy for her--she's sounded kind of down last time she's e-mailed me. Seems her family is moving away from England for the Middleast somewheres, this Spring. Seems her dad took her to Cardiff, and she got to watch them shoot the series--from a distance, and her dad wrangled an autograph out of Mr. Tennant for his daughter--that's really nice, I think, and very courteous of Mr. Tennant, as well.

    She asked me if I had any autographs of any Doctor Who stars. No. I used to have one of Adam West from when he was doing a promo tour for the old Batman series when I was a little kid, and one of the guy that played the Threepio on Star Wars and the lady who played Uhura on Star Trek--from sci-fi conventions I attended years ago, and also two of John Denver, and one of Danny Kaye, but they're long gone. I'm not much into autographs, I'm afraid.

    My young friend now is urging me to get an autograph of Mr. Tennant. What on earth for, I can't say. It's just not that big a deal to me...besides, why would he give someone like me an autograph, when there's hoards of screaming fans over on his side of the pond asking for them? I'm not anybody--and even if he knew who I was,I'm quite sure he still wouldn't give a flying fig--and that's fine. Meaning no disrespect to the actor, but I'm just not spending 80 cents on a stamp and another dollar or two on a card, that won't be read or responded to, for pity's sake--and even if I did, what would I do with the blessed thing? I love the guy--great actor--eh, well, just not the fawning over celebrities type. Now, meeting the Queen or the Dali Lama--that's different.

    But I must say, I'm really pleased for my DT fan friend, though--I think it's just what she needed, right now. It can't be easy being 16 and being dragged to a strange country, away from all your friends. I'm willing to be half her suitcase is packed with David Tennant stuff, he-he.

    Anyway, if image is everything, and I'm nothing special--then...okay. But...I'm still ME. And, even tho' I'm physically alone--I've got my life behind me, and my life today--I'm still alive, thanks to some very speical friends---what the heck more do I need? So my life has turned out to be the life I didn't want--happens to a lot of people...I've just got to shake myself out of this inner-prison I've built myself and figure away out. And if I'm not accepted by society--so be it. It's nothing new --in fact it's very old...and I will just carry on as usual.

    WINTER IN VERMONT

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