Yup. I'm an idiot. I honestly went through half the day yesterday, seriously thinking it was Thursday. Even after I saw the word "Wed" on my Yahoo mail, I thought, "geez, my mail's slow catching up to me, today."
Actually, I think my little brain explosion yesterday, was partly due to a mixture of serious pain, lack of sleep, and one too many pain killers. I take on average, with this bad tooth, about 2 to 4 aspirins or Tylenols a day--the other night, it was, I think, 6 extra-strength Tylenols in about a 4 or 5 hour period..so maybe between being awake half the night, and that, I was a bit stupid, yesterday...not a good feeling, I may add.
I hate feeling stupid, more than anyone could possibly know. My 8th grade math teacher was always telling me how stupid I was, and my dad, sometimes, as well. Feeling stupid really hurts. It easily makes me feel like instant rubbish. Which is why sometimes I get a big shock when someone tries to tell me I'm smart. Hell. No. No frickin' way. My IQ is, in reality, rather on the low side. I just try very hard--I've had brain damage as a baby, and it messed up a lot of stuff--my emotions, my math/musical skills, corodination, memory. On top of that, I can't do stuff backwards--I actually have to stop and think before doing anything in reverse--seriously. Doesn't matter if is simple subtraction or backing up a car.
If I appear to have any intelligence at all, it's just dumb luck (pun intended). I'm naturally very curious. I love learning, but am, in fact, not a good learner sometimes (memory sucks, and I'm slow to learn new things), and often people don't realize that. So they aren't very patient with me. I get flustered easily, and that just makes things worse, because it makes me feel even more lowly.
So I compensate by trying very hard. There's some things I do okay. And some things I just do well at, once I've feel like I really know what I'm doing. When I've got confidence in myself and/or what I'm doing, I can shoot the moon, do anything, just about.
But, sadly, that doesn't happen very often. And when I don't have any confidence in myself--especially if I'm feeling stupid--and feeling that way will always intimidate the hell out of me--I just am a complete and utter idiot. No way to sugarcoat it--yup, I'm a moron that could really give George Bush a run for his money.
