Where do I find myself, now?

A long-term existence of constant pain and loss and upheaval..well, it's like when I was working 7 days a week, for weeks on end--you get into the groove, this mindset. You just keep going, don't you? Or in my case, I nearly stopped. Forever. But that's past me, now, I believe.

And here I am. I have an office job. Enough money to pay the household bills and rent--and for food. No more peanut butter on a spoon (and just for the record, I HATE peanut butter), and tinned peaches and cold cereal and boxed macaroni with ersatz powdered cheese. I've got the New Doctor Who on video, the cats are happy...why aren't I?

What's wrong with me, lately?

It's like my life has just...stopped. Stood still, stuck in a void, and limbo of maddening munndaneness.

I feel, so empty, and I couldn't begin to say why.

There's always been this need in me, ever since I can remember, to see new places, new things--even if it's only in my own backyard.

To learn new things, to discover, to explore, to observe and simply enjoy the world around me. That's mostly lost to me, for the moment at least. And, until now, I never realized how vital this was to my existence. I can deal with the loneliness--it's being glued to one place that hurts my soul.

I long for an open road. For a moment shared with someone. For an hour or two learning and growing.

But all the longing in the world, won't change a thing. And until the day dawns where I can finally be in a position to change things myself--I'm just plumb dumb outta' luck. Oh well. There's worse things, I very much know. At least the bad things have stopped, for the time being. That's something, anyway, ey?