I've come home from work tonght, hating my very existance. I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate me.
I suck at my job. I loathe and destest selling. Like--I'm assuming---most people, I am happiest at work when I feel like I'm doing a good job. I suck at telemarketing! I totally and absolutely suck. There's no other way to put it. I try and try and try--but I'm just no good. Collections, yes. Surveys, piece of cake. Pledge drives--not bad. But selling, no way Jose. I HATE it! Every single flipping minute of it! It wouldn't be so bad, if I believed in the product--in this case, club memberships--except that these "clubs" are just big business money machines owned by some European trust or other, and their business practices--despite what my bosses say--are less then savory...it's a chav whore pretending to be a royal dutchess--forgive my bluntness, but it's true.
Oh, they are legit, and would be really terrific--if the morons who ran the clubs would be more forthright about payment plans and stopped double billing people and billing people for stuff they never got, and the like. It's the seniors who get ripped off a lot, and the disabled as well. And knowing that really hurts me sometimes--but I'm stuck. It's the highest paying job I've ever had--even if it's only part-time--9.00 an hour (about 4 pounds 50) and it's a million times better than cleaning toilets and slinging dirty heavy bin bags into dumpsters all night long. It's not like I have a lot of choice, Glens Fall isn't exactly a Mecca for high-wage jobs for people like me (chavs) --and, regrettibly now, I did want this job. But then, how was I to know? I must say tho' sometimes I don't always like myself much, at the end of the day.
I don't like me. I'm a crotchey old woman at the tender age of 46. I'm looking down the barrel of a very bleak and meaningless future--if you can call it that.
I try to ignore being alone--and I really am used to it--but at the same time, I hate it so much. Sometimes, it just really gets to me, you know?
I miss going for a drive--always made me feel better, really it did. Places like the Adirondack and Vermont foothills, near the town of nearby Granville, NY, pictured below:
How can one feel bad, when surrounded by such scenery, ey?
And here's the 150 plus year old Battenkill Covered Bridge, near Salem, NY, that I used to visit:
The ever mysterious turn of the bend.(Been down this road, btw)
The drop dead gorgeous scenery around the soutern end of Lake Champlain (Been down this road, as well--lovely!)
But don't have a car, don't have anywhere to go. Please don't suggest the blinking library! I grew up in mum's library--and mum used to drag me to all sorts of other libraries--I love libraries, but to be quite honest, the thrill is gone by now.
Been to the mall--once a year is about my limit of that stuff, the museums? Expensive, but maybe will have a go, one of these days. Not into the bar scene--never have been, never will be. Church is way to posh for a low-budget chav like me, no friends, locally, not much going on this time of year, in the city--not anywhere I'd fit in.
It's weird--I'm not chav enough to fit in with the bar and bowling alley crowd--but I'm not posh enough to fit in with the lecture and theater crowd...I'm in a social no-man's land. Hate it, but not much I can see to do about it. I am who I am.
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