It's hard, you know? Sitting here, night after night, Sundays, mornings..alone. No telling how many times I've gone over to the big front windows, the one's looking out onto Glen Street (the city's main street) and just stared out the window--at other people's windows, at people walking the streets, cars passing by, the moon, the snowfalling, the rain and frost the sunset, the branches of the trees swaying in the wind...sometimes, at nothing at all. Sometimes, my mind wanders to happier times, but that's only breifly.
I realizie now, that I'm in a bad depression...a very bad one. The kind where you literally have to force yourself to do anything--write, watch a DVD, listen to music, read, do the wasshing up, even feed yourself. It's hard...and it's even worse in an empty room. You've no idea how bad it really is...unless you've been alone and depressed yourself, that is.
I mean, I shouldn't be feeling this way, should I? God knows things have been a lot worse, gawd yes, so much, much worse. So what am I so sad about? Couldn't begin to tell you.
What happens to us, the day when we grow up and realize that our personal wishes mean absolutely nothing, that one's dreams have withered and turned to dust? I'm tired. I don't know why, but I am.
I should be happy, shouldn't I? I mean, in the moment, now? Bad things most certainly haven't stopped happening to me--no one will ever convince me of that...I'm not going to meet Prince Charming, or win the big lottery or be "discovered." I have a sort of decent job, at least, telemarketing beats cleaning toilets, or washing hundreds of pounds of dirty towels every day, hands down, ey? So why am I feeling so sad and empty for? I wish I knew.
I wish I had a purpose in life. I wish I'd been able to finish college--have a real career. I wish I at least had a job where I could either be sort of creative, or help people...but wishes are worthless for someone like me. They no longer hold any meaning.
Why? Because, I realize now, that I'm in that place that I've tried 40 year to avoid being in: a dead-end life, a dead-end job, dead dreams, dead in all but name.
But, there's still some spark of life in me--one of the plus's of being a nutter, we can bounce back like a rubber ball. Maybe soon I'll "bounce" and get myself out of this funk I'm in. But it's rather sobering, to wake up one day, and find yourself in the place you never wanted to be.
There's always tommorrow--maybe something good will happen. I am not totally ungrateful. I do appreciate my friends--and anyone who takes the time to think of me, to remember me, to talk or write to me--that's such a gift, you know? It's something to be grateful for, something I didn't have much of, for a while, last year.
So...I'm stuck with a nothing life at the mo', but...I'm also stuck with that "maybe" nagging at me, that makes me take that one more step into tommorrow, to want to wake up just one more morning--with the promise that maybe "things will get better."
You know? Maybe I'm just crazy enough to start believing that, soon...
The_Walrus
Pro 
I believe life has no meaning and no purpose. That keeps me cheerful, as I know I am not messing up stuff I will be punished for by deities...