Well, I must admit, sometimes I really wish I were someplace else. Not here. Not this. Okay, I am learning to accept this, finally. The months of my innerself screaming "NOooooo!," like a Doctor Who villan who's been foiled yet again by that trusty old sonic screwdriver, have more or less passed. I'm moving on, albeit, somewhat reluctantly.
I must admit, it was beginning to seem as if my life had gone from this (mostly) innocent and naive existance, to this evil alter-ego. I mean, I had known heartache and hard times in the past before, certainly. But not all at once like this--and most definately not all piled up, one after another like one of those old train wrecks you see, with the wooden cars all telescoping into one another, until the lives inside--and everything else, are all crushed to bits into nothing.
My life, in the last month, has--again, sort of---returned to normal. And it's hard for me to just stop the constant proverbial looking over my shoulder, in fear that my whole life will be once again swept away from me, that I will yet again, be left with nothing. Become nothing.
How do you stop feeling that? I don't know. I'm trying to ignore that pesky little fear, scratching away at the base of my brain...but..I don't know.
Maybe that's the thing, ey? Maybe it's the uncertainty, the unknwoing, that strikes its icy cold hand of terror into the heart of my quaking soul.
But life is a journey, isn't it? Full of detours and dead-ends, yes. But you know, the one thing I always liked when on a path or driving down a new road--is, you never know what's waiting 'round that bend, do you?
Sure, in my case, it's often been a deep dark pit of despair to fall into (again), but, there've been times, in the past year or so, when I've also had some lovely surprises. I've made new friends, for one thing. The most wonderful surprise of them all.
Yes, I miss the ability to just get in the car and go for a drive over the hills and valleys of northeastern New York and western New England. I loved the living tapestry of the landscape, the mini-adventure of what I might see around that next bend...but, here I am, stuck at home, day in and day out, in the city--where I'd never thought I'd ever live, not me, the dedicated small town girl---but, alas, here I'm stuck. Maybe forever, maybe not. Guess I'll just have to see what's around that next bend, ey?
So here I am, tonight, nearly half-past five in the evening, nothing much to do, and no one to do it with. Got a big ol' cat asleep on my shoulders, purring away in my ear. Was listening to part four of the Doctor Who concert--until the video decided it couldn't find me part 5. Ah well. I did find out that my number one favourtie actor, Derek Jacobi (sorry David Tennant fans--DT is #2 on my list, I'm afraid) is playing a part called The Professor on Doctor Who this year. Fantastic! Don't know what or whom this "Professor" is...a Time Lord, the Master, the Doctor, The Doctor's son, just some character in a lab coat, or the guy from Gilligan's Island...who knows. Well, I suppose "Who" does know, actually...but, you know what I mean. The Whovian rumour mills are flying with this little revelation, let me tell you...
