Back to Reality: bad vibes and bad dreams

I know, at least for a little while, that my life has improved quite considerably. I have plenty to eat--and can even purchase some food items (mainly things like small inexpensive steaks, my favourite brand of spaghetti and spaghetti sauce, my favourite brand of frozen ready made mashed sweet potatoes, etc.) And, I've been able (thanks in large part to those wonderful 40 to 75 percent off January sales) to get some new clothes that I needed (I've lost nearly 50 pounds since I last went seriously clothes shopping and have dropped down a size to a size and a half, and much of my clothing--while still seriviceable--looked all baggy and the pants can't be worn now with out a very tight belt) so I bought a new dress and a couple of pairs of jeans and a new pair of trousers and some blouses..all very cheap. Thankfully, I live in a huge resort area, and there's tons of fashion outlet stores that sell the same top name brand stuff you see in the better department stores and boutiques, for less then what you pay for the low budget chav fashions at WalMart. Last time I went, I got two 28 dollar (14 pounds) blouses for only 6 dollars.

But I'm hardly going on a spending spree. I did treat myself to two Dr Who books and a Queer Eye video, and a miniature model horse (half price)...but mostly I've been putting what I can by, for the hard times I live in constant fear of.

Yes, even though things have been going smoothly and my life, for the first time in well over a year, is finally bearing some semblance of normalcy again, I have this continual, sobering fear in the back of my mind. Lurking like a stranger in the gloom of a shadowy alleyway.

I really work hard to forget it...but, I can't. I'm scared. I'm always scared. I've nearly been homeless twice in the last year. I've lost most of my close family members, I did lose my home, I lost some of my beloved pets, I've lost some long-treasured family heirlooms and other possessions, I've gone hungry, I've been totally alone, I've lived in sub-zero farenheight (think of -15 to -40 below C) tempertures in one room, with only a small space heater to keep me warm--and no hot water whatsoever to bathe with. Only a small electric skillet and toaster oven to cook with, lost my car, lost jobs twice--before I even found a job, I went two months unemployed, lost my college education one year shy of graduating...it hasn't let up, much.

I've been bombarded and bombarded with so many bad things, that my inner soul just can't bring itself--no matter how hard I try to ignore the feelings---my inner self just can't believe that the bad things have stopped. I just can't stop worrying about what bad thing is going to befall me next. I just can't seem to convince myself that the bad times are over. Of course, I've so many debts hanging over me--and no money to file for bankruptcy--and my huge student debts don't have any legal protections--unless, of course, I go totally blind or die.

What does it feel like? It's a sick, sobering feeling, nagging at you continually. It's a sack full of cannon balls, weighing down your soul. It's a crawly little fear that climbs up your back where you can't reach it. It's...well, It's just plain terrible.

To make matters worse, I've been having disturbing dreams, of late. It started with the tornado dream--have had two now, a week apart. I've also dreamed about dead pets--both recent and my dog Shamrock, who died in '83. I've dreamed of both my parent--most especially my dad--who I've NEVER dreamed about before! I even dreamed of a dead uncle--one whom I'd never even met--because he died before I was born--I never even think about him! I also dreamed about the bakery my late mum used to take me to when I was a child--and again, hadn't thought of it in years. Some of the dreams are genuinely frightening, and I often have to turn the light on, and lie awake on my bed, reading or petting the cats--or mostly, just staring at my ugly nicotine-stained ceiling. Some are just...weird. But all of them leave me a bit disturbed, as while I have, at times, dreamed about my childhood home/street, my pets, my mum and tornados..I've not dreamed about Shamrock in years and years...and never dad or any member of his highly distant and disfunctional family.

I just don't know what to make of it. Mum would have probalby rolled her eyes and told me they were just dreams and to go back to bed--still, to me they are beginning to feel more like bad omens--the buildup of clouds before the storm.