I'm a bit under the weather today--no, don't drink or party, but my dinner last night of New England pot roast with all the trimmings (including chocolate cream pie and my infamous "butch" coffee for dessert), anyhow, seems it was a bit too rich for the old tummy. So, until the Alka-Seltzer kicks in, I'm doing something "easy" for my first official post of the New Year.
Also, can't go out today--period...not with my rotten old cranky knees, anyhow. The snow-rain mix of last night as turned to ice--and ambulances have been busy, this morning (the fire dept's paramedic unit just went screaming by--again)...the ice is slowly melting, but still, after spending a couple of months in 2006 with a fractured foot and sprained ankle, why the heck take any chances (especially since I walk to work and elsewhere), right?
Surfing the net, I found some news items from last year, that didn't quite make it to the front page--but are sort of interesting, nonetheless:
It turns out that size does matter, at least to some species. Males of animal species in which females are more promiscuous tend to have larger testicles. They also tend to have smaller brains. Scientists postulate that this is because in order to pass on your genes, when you are competing with your female's many other love interests, you must have more sperm than your competitors. In "successful" members of such species, more energy goes into making bigger testicles and less goes into brain development.
WHAT MOST EVERY WOMAN ALREADY KNOWS--OBVIOUSLY THESE SCIENTISTS WERE MEN!
The New York Daily News reports a patient man received his due. His car was stolen some time ago and recently it was returned to him. The car, a blue Corvette, was found during a homeland security department review of cars set to be exported. The car had some modifications made to it since its theft. It is painted silver, has a red interior, new transmission and engine, but has no gas tank and doesn't run. But heck, it is being returned to the original owner. Oh, the car was stolen Jan. 22, 1969, almost 36 years ago!
NOW IF HE COULD ONLY STILL BE PAYING THE SAME FOR GAS AND INSURANCE--THAT REALLY WOULD BE SOMETHING!
An 11 year old Michigan City, Indiana boy was said to be suffering with a headache for days after a little minor accident. According to the Associated Press, Cameron Schuette said Tuesday he did not remember much about the accident, other than the sound. The sound he described was one of the bones in his skull breaking. There's a good reason he heard that sound, his grandfather had just run over his head with a pickup truck.
The boy was riding on the tailgate of his grandfather's pickup truck as it backed down the driveway. At first the grandfather thought he'd run over a piece of wood but then he got out of the truck and saw his grandson lying in the gravel. A visit to a couple hospitals revealed the boy had a slight skull fracture and a laceration on his ear canal. He's now taking tylenol for the headache and is apparently no worse for the wear. The grandfather concluded, "Maybe he has an exceptionally hard head."
OUCH!!! AND I THOUGHT I'D HAD SOME ACCIDENTS!
Two burglars made off with a woman's purse, after one of the burglars impersonated a dog.
They broke into the house of an elderly woman. One burglar then dropped to his knees and began barking. The elderly woman, shocked at the scene, remained mesmerized while the other burglar found her purse.
The two burglars then fled the scene.
WELL, AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T IMPERSONATE A LION!
In DeKalb County, Georgia, a county health inspector found a frozen guinea pig tucked in a freezer at La Sabrosa restaurant, 2857 Buford Highway. According to the inspector's report, the chef said the guinea pig was for his personal consumption, but he could not remember where he bought it or produce a receipt.
The restaurant scored an 87 on the December inspection, up from its previous 79.
Janice Buchanon, the director of DeKalb's food protection program, said later that the restaurant owner had to throw out the guinea pig.
OH YUMMY! BBQ GUINEA PIG--JUST WHAT I WANT TO SERVE AT MY NEXT PICNIC!
Prospective buyers of an office building in Indiana discovered a sealed off floor which had become a time capsule of sorts which included "a stack of canceled checks, all dated between June and December 1930." The "secret" second floor had three doors with frosted glass panels and overhead transoms labeled: "Receptionist - Come In," "Consultation Room. Private," and "Chemical Laboratory."
The couple plan to live on the newly rediscovered floor
HOPE THEY DON'T FIND FRANKENSTIEN IN THERE!
Bank tellers in Japan must now pass an orange ball throwing test in order to get hired. Details are sketchy but an inside source says you have to use an orange ball (filled with water) and throw it at the target of a burglar. Ms. Yin Kim (a perspective bank employee) is quoted as saying, “You get three shots and two must hit the cardboard target or you can’t be employed by the bank.”
The “orange ball” as it is referred to (even in different colors) is a special plastic ball that has dye in it and is used by banks or stores in case they are robbed. You throw the ball on the robber or on their vehicle and it explodes leaving permanent dye on them. The dye also contains a special pheromone that Japanese police dogs are trained to sniff out.
WELL, GUESS THAT LETS ME OUT--BESIDES BEING HORRID WITH MATH, I CAN'T THROW WORTH A DARN!
Advertisers recently installed posters in several San Francisco bus shelters that give off the scent of freshly baked cookies, this ploy is designed to get folks thinking about drinking more milk.
The technology that creates the scent is identical to that used in magazine ads for perfume and other scented products. Adhesives coated with the scent are placed throughout the interior of the bus shelters, including under the benches.
“As long as they are not harmful chemicals, it’s OK,” one somewhat confused elderly woman said as she pondered the cookie smell in one of the shelters. “They are trying to sell milk? Is that it?”
The effort at five bus shelters is part of a campaign cooked up by the California Milk Processor Board, whose iconic “Got Milk?” campaign has adorned famous figures from around the world with milk moustaches for 13 years.
There is a rumor they will be trying this type of advertising in New York but first they have to figure out how to get the smell of urine out of the bus shelters. An un-named source in the New York government is quoted as saying, “Cookies and pee don’t mix too well, we don’t want folks puking while catching their morning bus”.
(NANCY (OLDMAID) SINGS NY'S STATE SONG: "I LOVE NEWWW-YOORRK!"
Jumping onto the reality show bandwagon, Scooby and the rest of the crew from Mystery Inc. are set to have some real life adventures. Unfortuanately one of these involves Scooby and a ‘close friend’ having a homosexual relationship!
Already children’s groups are screaming for this game to be sent to the trash. Religious spokesperson Jane Hiblard is quoted as saying, “If Scooby becomes gay it might as well be the end of the world”. She continues, “There is no place in children’s game for this type of sick activity.
I am not sure exactly what kind of relationship this game would depict but I don’t know if Sat. cartoons are ready for same-sex adventures.
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO THINK I'M VERY OPEN-MINDED, BUT THAT'S JUST PLAIN WEIRD!
Famous American Game Show host, Bob Barker has annouced he's retiring. Barker has been the host of the CBS game show, The Price is Right, for over 30 years.
This quote seems to say it all, “I will be 83 years old on Dec. 12,” he said, “and I’ve decided to retire while I’m still young.”
Barker is of course famous for hosting the game show “The Price is Right”. But is also known for his lust for hot young models. It is rummored that the real reason for his leaving television is because of the over 22 previous and 9 pending sexual harassment lawsuits. A TV executive (that wanted his identity withheld), states….”Mr. Barker has cost this network 7 million dollars in out-of-court settlements so far and we just can’t afford it anymore.” “Some of us thought with age he would slow down but with drugs like viagra on the market, well we just can’t afford it anymore.”
Nice going Bob, keep it up, and I mean….keep it up!
NO COMMENT...OKAY, WELL, AS A FORMER MEALS-ON-WHEELS SENIOR MEAL HOME DELIVERY VOLUNTEER--ALL THE LITTLE OLD LADIES OVER HERE WATCH THE SHOW RELIGIOUSLY. 'NUFF SAID?
The FBI searched two produce companies Wednesday for evidence of a crime in the countrywide E. coli outbreak that killed one person and made another 191 others ill.Agents from the FBI and the Food and Drug Administration used warrants to search a Natural Selection Foods LLC plant in San Juan Bautista and a Growers Express plant in Salinas to determine whether they followed food safety procedures. Workers were shocked when the FBI and FDA kicked in back doors with their guns drawn.
Federal health officials said early in their investigation that deliberate contamination was not likely but could be possible. In a statement to reporters senior agent Williamson said, “We must take measures to protect ourselves, if someone is doing this purposely they might be prone to other types of violence.”
An agent that wanted to remain anonymous said, “I doubt we would open fire on someone but I sure feel better having my gun out and ready, just in case.”
Local Church leaders have stated that they will not put up with this excessive show of force and will be taking this issue up with the Mayor.
KILLER VEGGIES??? OKAY, THEN--AMERICA IS JUST GETTING TOO STUPIDLY PARANOID, EY? IT'S LIKE THE CONGRESSMAN FROM CONNETICUIT, WHO INISISTED WE WERE IN DANGER FROM TERRORISTS BRINGING CONTAMINATED SARS CHICKENS INTO THIS COUNTRY. AM I THE ONLY AMERICAN OUT THERE WHO THINKS THESE PEOPLE NEED A GOOD DOSE OF TRANQUILZERS AND A SLAP UPSIDE THE HEAD?
At the Kansas State Fair teams of sheriff’s officers, media personalities, firefighters and grocery clerks competed in this year’s hot dog eating contest, which drew a totoal of 28 competitors.
Some were looking for entertainment. Others wanted a free lunch. But for Pat Garety there was a very specific reason he was there.
Takeru Kobayashi, who on July 4, 2004, ate 53 1/2 hot dogs and buns in just 12 minutes was the winner and afterward when he went to rid himself of his full stomach he saw Pat Garety blocking his way to the bathroom. Garety held in his hand five one hundred dollar bills and requested Takeru deposit his vomit in a special “clean” bag. Takeru obliged and left $500 richer. It appears Garety is planning on selling his bag of hot dog chunks on Ebay and expects to net a quick two - three thousand dollars for the mess.
ALL I CAN SAY IS, "EWWWWW!"
A recent approval to proceed with a controversial new type of traffic offence in Texas has enraged some local folks and even had some doctors quoted as saying it is the wackiest law they have ever heard.
The local H.A.C (Health Advisory Committee) approved the new traffic offence based on 3 years of research done at the University of Texas done by the Mycology department. The new offence will be officially called “driving while under the influence of a severe cold”.
The original hypothesis was that someone suffering with a bad cold would be as equally impaired as a person who consumed 4 drinks and attempted to drive (within the hour). The research did not stop there, recently a special type of breath analyzer of sorts was invented to test mucus for levels of cold causing bacteria. This prototype has already earned nicknames inside the University, such as the Snotalyzer. The way it works is you blow your nose into the plastic chamber and it tests the number of cold causing germs per 100th of a milliliter of mucus, if the number is over 20,000 particles per million you would be considered intoxicated by your cold and will face the same legal penalties as a drunk driver.
It has been argued that most people can’t tell how badly they feel from a cold and they should not be punished by the law for say, driving to the doctor? The M.A.M (mucus analyzing machine), will go into production next month and be ready for trial use at the beginninng of 2007.
We spoke briefly via phone with officer Scot Crewns of the Texas State Police and he said, “I don’t know about this, I just can’t imagine pulling someone over and asking them to blow a wad of snot into a machine, I just re’ckon I would feel silly.” THIS IS THE STATE OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT HAILS FROM: NEED I SAY MORE?
And on that note, forget "HAPPY NEW YEAR!"....I will settle for "NORMAL NEW YEAR!"
