Huh. If wishes were TARDIS's, I could escape this dodgy ol' life of mine and go somewhere else...somewhere, ANYWHERE!!! Back to a happier time in my life, to a secluded cabin somewhere, to Great Britain, Netherlands, Iceland...WW I...anywhere. But...

I'm stuck. I'm stuck and well and truly trapped in this life I have, and will just have to live with it, from day to day, week to week, until my time is done.

I had hoped that someday I'd have a job that was above poverty-level wages, but I guess that's never going to happen. At least, not around here at any rate. I could manage beautifully on 20,000 a year...could even do okay on 18, even. But, I'm stuck at 12 or 13, and that's at the high end of the poverty level scale, here in the states, for one person.

But I do get so very tired---literally, lately, it seems that the more ahead I get with my life, the harder I work, the worse things get...the more I make, the less I have. Is it supposed to work that way? I honestly had more when I was making 750 dollars a month on disability, then now when I'm averging 1100 dollars a month...it's stupid, but it's very true, I'm afraid.

Today, I make one last-ditch effort to keep my heat and electric going...shut off date is Jan. 2nd. I just don't have the money. Well, I do...if I don't pay my rent--that's not going to happen--not if I can help it. I will go without lights and heat in the dead of winter. I've lived without heat in winter before. And the hallway of the building is heated, so if temps drop to the sub-freezing level outside, I can always go out into the hallway--and maybe buy a kerosene heater later. I can buy a flashlight and eat tinned food...I will survive this, most likely...but it won't be easy. They want to put me on a "payment plan"...but the payment is way over my head, financially. Way, way over. It would leave me without money for food, quite literally, if I went with National Grid's plan. I truly hate National Grid--with a passion. A passionate hate? Is there such a thing?

Anyway...I'm resigned. I will do all I can, but if it's not enough...then, it's not enough. I will just have to live with it. Of course, if I'm shut off, it means no more internet at home. But, that's life. No magic genie is going to appear. I'm not going to win the lottery, I'm not going to magically find a high wage job, I'm not going to inherit anything, I'm just...totally screwed. I've no more chance of being well off, financially secure I mean, then I have of taking a trip in the TARDIS. Just not going to happen, ever. And I am learning to accept that. The best I can wish for (hope is a lost word to me now) is that someday I will make enough money to pay all the "main" bills, and have enough left over for food. Ha. Yeah, right.