I wish I had a TARDIS. Then, I could go somewhere back in my past--or just back in the past, anywhere, and escape all this...stuff.

So the cable company guy called me tonight--claims he called this morning, but I didn't leave until quarter to, and they were told that I would be leaving then, that I worked from 9 to 7 right now, but I guess it just didn't sink in, as in: "Oh, you really do work those hours?" That was a direct quote, by the way. Do I have to say this? Okay yeah, I do: "Duh."

They still are messing about with me, with their oh-so-obvious psycological wordy-nerdy hoy-paloy. Here's an example, "So you think that when you plugged in the cable, you lost your monitor?" My response: "I don't 'think' that, I know that' (with the mental phrase, "you dolt!" added in silently).

Anyway, the company is sending someone over first thing Thursday morning (I'll believe that when I see it), with a spare monitor. Yeah, okay. They aren't bringing the bad cable with them, or the original monitor, so what's that going to prove, ey? But anyway, it's a start...of what I fear will be a long, drawn-out battle with Time-stinking-Warner Cable. That's just what I don't need, right now.

On top of that, I'm still going round with the Social Services people: To keep me from getting my heat and electricity turned off, I have to provide them (and quickly) with: A copy of my lease, my last four pay stubs, my bank statement, my social security card, my NYS drivers lic., the bill...and probably my complete family lineage, on mum's side, going back to the first Featherly to step foot in Jamestown Settlement, and on dad's side, the first G____ to hop off the boat at Ellis Island a hundred years ago. And maybe a few drops of my blood, as well, for all I know.

Once more, loads of yelling at work today--it's a really noisy place to begin with, literally dozens of people all talking at once, on different call programmes...add into that, the people on the other end of the phone yelling at you---from irate wrong numbers to people who loathe and hate the club you are trying to get them to re-join---Aspirin and Acedimediphrin (can't spell it, but I can pronouce it, and made some in chemistry class once) are very popular items where I work--they should put it in the vending machines downstairs. I've been keeping a bottle handy on my desk, since breaking my two teeth, and I've become the doll of many a person in my row of cubicles lately, as I'm starting to shell the darn things out like candy...started with a 120 two days ago, between me and my co-workers, I'm lucky if I have 50 left! I'm not the only one getting toothaches and headaches--we have a very sick office, let me tell you. Always someone with an illness, ache or pain in there.

I was told, once again, that I had a lovely voice, by a lady this time, not some poor old lonely geezer, so that was rather nice. Especially since I wasn't feeling well. I often work hard at being patient and tolerant with people, but I must admit I was a bit touchy, today, and more than a little grumpy. Turns out I was sick. I wasn't feeling great this morning, but I got sick and dizzy quite suddenly, and went home four hours early--of course, now I have to make up the time, darn it. I don't work, I don't get paid, simple as that. So, long hours will become even longer hours, now. Nothing for it, though. I need the money. I don't hate my job or anything, but it does get boring and tiring. It's a million times better than cleaning offices and hauling garbage, though. Not as easy, surprisingly, as doing motel laundry all day, 7 days a week, but still, no complaints--it's work, and I'm getting my highest wages ever: 8.75 an hour. Of course, that will mean less after January 1st, when the minimum wage in New York state goes up to 7.50 an hour.

The cost of living since Bush hit the white house, has climbed astronomically. My sister thinks 600 dollars a month for an apartment is expensive! Most decent apartments run 650 to 850...without utiilities. You want one for less, you have to go with a cramped studio or an absolute dump, or one that's in the middle of nowhere, or on in a bad part of town...as a general rule, anyhow. There are some exceptions, of course.

Even tho' I don't have much to be happy about, I don't want to become some miserable, bitter old maid. I don't expect to be some happy-go-lucky cheerful old spinster, but neither do I want to be a crank. I do fear I am getting a bit cranky, these days. And bitter...well, maybe not as much as I was, but yeah, I guess I still am, just a wee bit. I'd rather not, but neither can I deny my true feelings.

I'm doing my level best to ignore Christmas--when someone tells me, "Merry Christmas" I return the greeting, but do my best to ignore my feelings on the subject. It's sounds odd, I suppose. I love the season and all, but I have to deny those feelings, because they only make me feel worse inside. I did get two Christmas cards today--both total surprises, to me. One was from an aunt I'd not heard of since the day of mum's graveside service. I did sent her a Christmas card, a while back, but didn't get one from her last year, so didn't expect one this year, either. She sent me a nice card with a long update on her gall bladder (what is it with aunt's and their gall bladders?) and a ten-dollar bill, which was nice. She's never sent me a gift before--and she's known me literally since the day I was born-- which is odd, but I'm not looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. I will write her as soon as I can find some nice stationary, and thank her. I got another surprise card from a former classmate. Seems she's done exceptionally well for herself in Hollywood, and has remembered me recently (we met in a store last month, as I recall), and she thanked me for something I did for her eons ago (which I'd long since forgotten about, as I didn't think it was any big deal--goes to show), and sent me a ten-dollar gift certificate to the Chinese takeaway here in town, which was really great of her. I had expected no presents at all this year--as I can't give any, and I was raised that if you receive, you should give in return, so I didn't plan on buying anything (you know, if you buy gifts, you have to buy wrapping paper, ribbon, etc) I couldn't even sign up for the 5 dollar Secret Santa at work, as it would not only cost for the gift, but you have to wrap it as well (and the cab fare to the store to buy it). I've resigned myself to not being able to give this year (the one thing I loved the most, was giving gifts at Christmas--I was incorrigible, couldn't wait for Christmas some years, and sometimes just HAD to give mum her gift early--especially if it was something she really needed badly.) So I kind of feel bad, on top of everything, that I can't really give anything in return, except my best wishes--and that seems rather lame. I can't even make anything this year...my cross stitching is on hold at the moment--but it's pretty awful, anyway, as I'm a terrible sewer (only kid in the history of Menands Common/Elementary School Home Economics sewing class to be sent to nurse/hospital twice in one with sewing emergencies) so I can't do that...and the only other "crafts" I know are beyond my purse...silk flower arranging and cowboy belt making. Don't own the supplies/tools for either, any longer.

Ah well. I loved Christmas, and I don't think I'll ever hate it, but...maybe someday those feelings will return again, who knows what the future may bring...maybe a big rock will fall to earth and none us wil be around to celebrate, maybe Bush will grow a brain and admit there is such a thing as global warming, maybe Santa will come and slide down my non-existant chimney, ha-ha. Have I mentioned that I hate the word, "maybe?"

So, despite the carols blaring out of every conceivable ediface, the christmas trees and lights, and all that other stuff...I'm just making it another day. And I think that's the best thing I can do, this year. But, it's nice to be remembered, I must admit, very nice indeed, by people you thought had long forgotten you. Christmas alone is hard, very hard. But knowing that others are thinking of you--especially relatives you'd thought had forgotten--that makes getting through the day a wee little bit easier.

I am so incredibly grateful for finding my new friends. They've been such a huge help to me, and also, have made me realize that I'm not as alone as I'd thought. I was so very literally isolated, for so long...outside of co-workers and people I'd pass in the stores, I'd see no one for days on end, speak to no one. No one came to visit, and I had no one to visit...I was just utterly and completely alone. No one who has not had that, can even begin to know how awful that feels. My friends took away much of that pain, and I am thankful.

I watched a bit of Doctor Who tonight..the first Cyberman one, Age of Steel/Return of the Cybermen (or do I have that backwards?). Doctor Who has been a real blessing for me, this year. It's given me so much, not just entertainment...it's made me smile, and made me forget my loneliness for awhile. I know the people who make Doctor Who mostly likely could give a fig how I feel, but I wish there was a way I could thank them, for all they've given me--and other people like me. I'm no TV hound--I haven't had television in years--but I'm afraid I am rather fondly attatched to Doctor Who. It's exactly like an old familar friend to me, a comfort for the long hours alone.