I'm sorry to be distressing my friends so. You've no idea, how much I hurt to know I am hurting you. I shouldn't have made that last post. Then you'd never know--you'd have thought I just went away somewhere.
But in a way, letting go would be such a relief to me. To live in near-constant pressure from all sides, never knowing from month to month if you will make the rent, have enough to eat, have a job, pay the bills, be homeless...you may try, but you cannot know the pain and despair I so often feel...and actually don't talk about as much as you may think.
Your friendships have been my safety valve thorugh the last couple of months...but now the pressure is such, that nothing I know can relieve it.
Truth is, I'm not such a hot person...I have tons of faults, and loads of emotional baggage. I fancy, in reality, if any of you met me in the street or on a bus or train, you likely wouldn't give me much thought.
I'm stuggling, even as I write this, to find hope...but I can't feel much at the moment. I don't really care, anymore. Not about myself, or my possessions or my interests--like reading, or writing, or Dr. Who or anything like that. Suddenly, they don't seem so important, anymore.
I do care about you...and quite frankly, right now that's the only thing that's staying my hand.
Right now, I feel like a pathetic moron. No, really. I do. I feel like my life is racing towards an eternal self-destruct button, and that no matter how things get better--in the end they only get worse. Things are not going to work out for me, no matter how hard I try.
The problems I'm facing are not simple: they are horribly complex. A crack team of people couldn't solve this.
1. I have very little money--and have to pay the electric bill and phone bill.
2. I have to do something about my cats--whom I love so dearly and whom are such a vital part of my life. And I have no money to put them to sleep, and the local shelters aren't taking cats--in fact, they are actually giving cats away for free, or putting them in the gas chamber, because they are so overloaded right now. The gas chamber is a horrible way to kill an animal, and it's killing me, seeing the love and care in their innocent faces and knowing what's about to happen them, and how frightened, confused and alone they will be. And that's killing me as much as losing my home again. I don't have a car, so I've no idea how to get the cats to a shelter or the vets.
3. With this job, I'm simply not home 6 days a week--gone from early morning to late night. How will I call about apartments? I'm not allowed to use the office phone, and I only have 30 minutes for lunch--not really enough time to take the lift down and run across the street to the a store's pay phone and make calls.
4. I live in Lake George, because rural apartments are all I can afford. City/suburb apartments are way out of my price range--even one's in bad neighbourhood's. The only place would be a welfare motel--and having lived in one for a few weeks when I was 34, I never ever want to do that again--it was worse than living in a cardboard box..trust me on that.
5. I have no car. I can't look at apartments, and I can't move without transport. A moving van--even if I could find one--would cost a minimum of 100 dollars--and usually a whole lot more than that, as I live out of the city.
6. The big one: Not only would I need first months rent, I'd need a security deposit and possibly an additonal month's rent as well.
7. Rent in this part of the world ranges from 600 a month to 1000 dollar or more, depending on location.
(That's 300 to 500 or more pounds).
8. Many, many places insist on checking your credit rating, and mine, quite bluntly, is below the bottom. They also want references--and my landlord's said they won't give me one.
9. I'm so out if it, I don't know if I've the energy to even pack. No clue what to do with the few things I have left. When would I ever find the time to pack? I only get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day as it is?
10. The other big one: I just don't want to try, anymore. I just totally lack the energy. What many people don't know is, that this new job ends after the New Year holiday. I will be switched--if they keep me on---to 4 or 5 hours a night, so I would have the pressure of spending the big Thanksgiving holiday coming up, getting rid of my pets, and moving and settling in--then have to plunge right into finding a full-time day job during the Christmas hols--just like I did last year. The holidays totally, pardon the language, suck.
Another Thanksgiving and Christmas, alone and broke and...physically--alone--totally alone, this time? No cats to love me and lick my face and give me physical comfort?
I love you guys, but no thanks. Pardon me if I want to pass on repeating that experience, again this year.
No. Too much. Way, way too much, for me to deal with.
I will, as I said, not do anything until Sunday or Monday...that's the best I can say, at this point. I wish I'd never gone online--then I'd never have hurt anyone but myself. But, am I really so important? I'm not anyone. Somebody has to be nobody, and that's me. Really, I'm not such a great person as you may think...it's not as big a deal as all that. One less Dr. Who fan in the world...so what? I mean, knowing you has been great, and in some few ways, changed my life--but in the end...I will never change anyone's life. I'm not anything special, and I know this. My loss will largely go unoticed, in this part of the world, and that's a truth I can't run away from.
GoingSomewhere
I want you to know that you are important. And it is a big deal.