Well--it's happened. My ultimate worst nightmare--twice in one year.

My tub leaked downstairs and the landlords entered the apartment while I wasn't home--wandered around and found out I had 7 cats...now, IF I pay the rent for November, I have 30 days--if I don't I have until the 20th to get me, my cats and all my stuff out of here.

I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sorry to all my friends, but there's literally NO PLACE for me to go..I won't go into any welfare motel! I won't! I'd rather die. And I have to put my cats to sleep or give them away, so I'm not just losing my home--which I love--but losing my "family" as well--I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE!!!

Life is just too cruel for me. I will collect my pay on Friday...make arragenments for the cats and I'm done.

I'm sorry if I've let my friends down...but I just can't live through any more heartache...I just can't...death is very much preferable to this.

I have no car, I have no where to go...and even by some..no...no more hope. There's no way out this time..no way, no way, no way.

It's funny...just a few short hours ago, I was ignorant of the disaster awaiting me...I was reading some good books: Heritage, a Dr. Who novel and also a thin novel---"The Woman Who Loved Clean Rest Rooms"--a story that was somewhat amusing, until the end, when the character's plight and feelings, began to mirror my own...art imitating life. Then, bothered a bit by what I'd read, I moved on to a safer book--A Mulligan for Bobby Jobe--a novel about rednecks and golf--can't get any safer than that...later I joked with someone, and on the street going to the bus station, passed the time with a woman, chatting about the weather. So normal a night...a quiet bus ride home--I was the only passenger, and the taciturn driver was silent, just the whining of the wheels on the roadway. I get off the bus, say goodnight to the driver, cross the street-puzzle over the fact that my lights are on--and get acosted by the landlady...and, my world comes to a crashing end.

But disasters are like that, aren't they? Death is like that. One minute, everything normal and fine--the next...it just ends. Like driving along a peaceful country road--only to suddenly plow head on into a huge concrete wall. Everything you've ever known, everything you've ever had, ever been....gone in the wink of an eye...and there's nothing you can do.

This is my last blog. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to think or feel or care anymore. I'm sorry.

ADDENDUM FOR ANY US NORTHEAST COAST READERS:

My cats, if not taken to the shelter and put to sleep right away, are up for adoption:

Bonnie Prince Charlie ("Charley"): White and ginger neutered male, very large. Quiet and affectionate, likes to play with string and feathers. 4 years old

"Boots (Bootsie): Charley's brother.Large ginger tom with white paws and face. Shy around men and strangers, but very very loving and gentle. 4 years old

Miss Kitty: Calico female. Very loving, sometimes shy. Must go with Smiley, her grandaughter. Kitty is dumb but sweet. 5 years old.

Smiley: Buff coloured female. 3 years old. very small. Thinks and acts like a kitten. sometimes love bites (tries to nurse on hand/arm/nose) eats ONLY beef or chicken. WILL NOT EAT FISH OF ANY KIND. Adores her bit of milk now and then. Very, very shy, but also very loving.

Flame (Flamey): Dark ginger female. Has skin condition (alergy) that sometimes leaves her with thin hair, is also partly blind in one eye and slightly cross-eyed (no joke). Very loving, super curious, very vocal. Does not like to be crowded by other cats. Tends to get stuck in high places and needs help getting down...otherwise a very super intelligent and caring cat.

RED (Redcat): 17 years old, ginger and white neutered tom. Very shy around men/strangers. has special needs due to his age (he's my best friend).

J.R. 17 years old (Red's sister) Black and white, ambedextrous (extra toes on both feet). Very very shy, but very quiet. Has special needs due to age.

If you or anyone you know can adopt any of these cats within a few days, let me know via e-mail. Even though this is, effectively, my last entry, I will check my e-mails for the next three or four days.