Can't sleep. My mind is racing like an out of control freight train. I have to face reality. There's just no way I'm going to make the rent in October..no, way, no way. I'm stuck.

I still owe the security deposit on this place...no where to move to, won't be able to take most of my possessions with me...either my sister will take them..or, I don't know. I don't even know how the hell I'm going to move, without transport. The Salvation Army can't help me, until I'm actually out on the streets...and by late October, the streets will be damned cold.

God only knows what I'll do about the cats---that's really breaking my heart. I'm trying hard to keep my sense of balance and sense of humour..but tonight...even though I just wrote some humourous stuff for the Teaspoon website...I did it more out of sheer boredom, than for any other reason. I love my cats so much, and they will be scared. What will likely happen is that the dog warden will come and take them to the shelter to be put down.

People tell me, "things will get better someday." I don't believe it, anymore. How can I? Hope and faith are dead things to me, now. All I can do is try to survive here, for as long as I can. It won't be a very happy birthday for me, though. Not by a long chalk. Last year was a terrible birthday..mum was dying. This year promises to be not much better. I will never celebrate my birthday--or any other holiday ever again...not worth it. Just not.

Sorry this blog is so depressing...but, I'm just very depressed.

And I'm still getting stupid e-mails from that fake reporter. He told me a couple of e's ago, that he was with some paper called, Daily Star. Checked with the paper...no. Or at least, they've not anwsered me, which tells me the guy's phony as a three dollar bill. So, besides the ersatz David Tennant...oh yeah, he's baaack. And more annoying than ever. I sent him one last e-mail saying I know he's not DT and that he should get some therapy and I don't read his e-mails but automatically delete them. Now I'm thinking that the phoney "reporter" and the fake DT are likely the same person...different addresses..but same providers. It's not really that big a deal..I get stupid e-mails constantly...but it is rather annoying, and I could do with one less problem, however minor and insignificant.

Gah. All I wanted was something...productive to do with my life. Well...I wanted a decent-paying career...or just a career...but now..I just want to work and survive..but it's not really working out that way, is it? I keep lowering my standards and lowering my standards, and still, I'm at the bottom and sinking deeper every day. It's beyond fustrating...It's...impossible.